Making Believers: Connect to the Light within...

by Linda Amato

Overview

Abuse needs to end in relationships by the simple transformation of discovering that God is within all. Gracie and Amanda live as a mother and daughter filled with their demons on a daily basis. However, Amanda has the gift of unconditional love, which she shares with all. When Gracie dies and leaves her a gift, she discovers her truth and passion. In doing so, she transforms her life.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781452535449
Publisher:	Balboa Press
Publication date:	07/14/2011
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
File size:	297 KB

Read an Excerpt

Making Believers

Connect to the Light within ...

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By LINDA AMATO

BALBOA PRESS

Copyright © 2011 Linda Amato
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-3543-2

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Chapter One

Fear

Amanda noticed that she was trembling as she stood in her mother's empty room. She turned around slowly, trying to imagine living like this for an entire life. Confused, sad, and hurt she let the tears fall. She sat on the bed and cried for the loss of her mom. She was filled with an ache inside her heart. Pain that she never realized she would ever have. Her life today at this moment seemed upside down and inside out. A jumbled mess that had come to a screaming halt!

She hated coming to visit her mother all of these years. Fear stayed with her as the nightmares came. The smell of sick, dirty adults and the cries and sounds of unloved people tormented her. Through the years though, she could not not come. After all, Gracie was her mom. In her own way she loved her craziness too. She found her to be wise in her knowledge and beliefs. Just to accept to live in this world for thirty years considered by society and doctors as a mentally ill person had to stand for something. This belief even at times amazed Gracie. Amanda didn't visit because she was her mother. She visited her because she was a human being that was hurting and in search of love. Amanda didn't love her because she was her mother solely; she loved her because she simply could not. The mother part and the daughter part they fell into through the years.

Amanda never feared like her brother that she too would become sick in her mind. This was because she didn't believe Gracie was sick. Gracie simply loved too deeply. She believed in God and she showed and taught Amanda to love unconditionally. Her reason for being was love in her life, truly, madly, and deeply.

With the back of her hand and sleeve from her shirt Amanda wiped the tears from her face. A smile slowly fell onto her lips from within. The hours she had spent talking and discussing life with her mother was beyond normal. Their belief always was that God gave only each of us what we could handle in life. There was actually a reason for everything in life. Life was a test Gracie taught her, and in the end she would pass because she had Gracie as her teacher.

She glanced towards the dresser and saw something yellow. The two top drawers were empty. At the bottom she found a stack of papers inside an envelope tied with a yellow ribbon and a crumbled-up picture. On a piece of paper she recognized her mother's shaky handwriting. She had written, "SAVE ALL MY WRITINGS! A BOOK IS IN THE MAKING THROUGH MY DAUGHTER." Amanda trembled as she hugged the papers to her chest. She sobbed for herself because she knew down deep that Gracie was at peace.

She placed the envelope in a bag that was empty as well, for there was nothing of Gracie for her to take except this envelope. It seemed that Gracie had left her a "gift." One final look around the room and she closed the door and left. A part of her was aware that she was stepping now onto a new path in life. She realized that her life was to be quite different without Gracie in it. How she would react to this change and accept what was expected of her she would learn eventually.

The memories she had collected throughout the years were like photographs in her mind. Amazingly she was not even surprised to learn that Gracie believed she was capable of writing a book. This had always been her dream and Gracie actually introduced her to people as "her daughter, the author." For years Amanda wrote poetry and little stories but she never believed she was good enough to actually write an entire book. Growing up in a home that was torn and empty turned her towards the written word. An avid reader she toyed with writing as a release of her own fears. To be afraid all of these years that she was not educated enough to ever accomplish her own dream to become a published author. Now Gracie leaves her a note with some papers stating she is to write a book. Amanda smiles and thinks that Gracie is definitely laughing at her now.

Once in the car she just sits and feels the heat of the sun on her face. Her body shakes as she sobs at the realization that life will be without Gracie. How does she accomplish continuing on without her? For years they had spent hours together just talking. No one ever knew the Gracie that she did and she believed no one would cry for her either. For the loss of a life that was confused, misjudged, in search of love, and labeled by society today filled her with pain. This was the truth of life that saddened Amanda the most. A mere fact that was true, Gracie had been alone in life except for her.

Amanda believed that she would never feel as special as Gracie had made her believe she was. The shedding of tears will be for her because she had no regrets or guilt. She knew in her heart she had been a great daughter. As a child of a mentally ill parent she accepted life always and never was embarrassed of who she was. She was never embarrassed by Gracie or felt that she could harm her in any way. She accepted Gracie, as long as she could remember, as just being her mom. She was not aware of what they call today a dysfunctional household. She felt love and experienced sadness growing up and accepted that this was life. She knew of no other way to be. Growing up she learned that no one deserved to be alone or forgotten about. The truth about Amanda was that she, like Gracie, loved deeply.

Her mind was swirling around with the past and the years of spending time with Gracie. The many laughs they enjoyed even while she was institutionalized. Visiting her Amanda became aware of the abuse and neglect in our society. The forgotten lives that she imagined children lived through like her but could not cope with the pressures of seeing their parent ill. To Amanda life was about the journey and what one can learn. The choices we get to make daily. She could have chosen to walk away from Gracie but she would not be able to live with herself. She had memories of Gracie not being ill and looking up to her with the eyes of a loving child. The hardest part for her now will be to accept that she has a life of her own to live.

Amanda calmed herself with a silent prayer to the Blessed Mother to give her the strength to do what is expected of her. The next few days will be about planning her funeral, then she will sit and read Gracie's words. At this time her heart deeply ached and she knew it was not the time to look into the precious "gift" she had been left. There were arrangements to be made for the final goodbye to be given.

Gracie's body lay now in a sealed coffin. The funeral home was packed, full of people who did not know Gracie. There were a handful of close family that years ago were part of Gracie's life. The rest were friends of Amanda, her husband, and children. Respect for her loss on their faces and in their whispers to each other, today they offered time, prayer, and flowers to console her in the loss of this woman that they had never met. Everyone heard of Gracie at one time or another only because of the curiosity of a parent being mentally ill and institutionalized. It almost could make someone famous! Amanda was silent and calm as she looked around and wondered what Gracie would be thinking.

Gracie would chuckle and be proud that Amanda knew so many people. That she lived a life that Gracie always craved. Last night her father had called and asked if she needed him there. He felt since he was remarried that he would be out of place. At first Amanda was shocked; then she realized that she didn't want him there either. It was better only because for thirty years he had nothing to do with Gracie. People would hug him and comfort him at the loss of his wife, only because he was Amanda's father. A long time ago she had accepted that he had made a new life for himself. She knew about the pain and guilt that one feels from betrayal and he had to live his life with what he had done in the past to Gracie. It didn't matter that Gracie was dead because his nightmares were not. In the end, Amanda believed that Gracie was a much better human being than her father because she was capable of forgiveness.

As she knelt in front of the coffin to say her final goodbye, she realized she did not know how to say this. Fear gripped her throat and heart as the thoughts attacked her mind. Did she forget to tell her she loved her? Maybe she could have gotten another opinion from other doctors? If only she had listened to Amanda and lived with her! The biggest question was that she was really gone now. That is the realization that haunted Amanda and brought sadness into her existence that she feared the most.

As she looked around at her own children's tears at the cemetery, she felt proud that they loved their grandmother. Through the years they accepted Gracie and wondered like her if she was really ill. Would life for everyone now return to normal after the burial? Amanda believed no one would be as affected as she by the death of her mom. She felt scared of tomorrow and existing in this life without Gracie. An emptiness inside that she never realized would be there now suffocated her. There was no relief in Gracie's death for her.

It was evening now and her house was silent and still. A different life would present itself in the morning. She knew it would be a life without Gracie, mentally ill people, institutions, and doctors from now on. A life without a mother!

A pain in her heart awakens her again as it has for the past three months. She feels foggy as if she is forgetting something. She remembers this feeling and calls it the memory of death. She does not want to rise but knows she must. She sits at the table with a hot cup of coffee remembering Gracie. Her thoughts are stumbling all over the place requiring that she recall every detail. She is afraid of moving forward and forgetting. Her feelings are exposed on her face and in her eyes for all to witness. She laughs out loud as she wonders if it is possible for one to crack under the pressure of death.

The sun warms her face as she tries to begin her day. Like a vice her heart is gripped by the knowledge that Gracie is gone. She knew she was dying but she still was not prepared for this feeling inside. Why is it so hard to say goodbye? Through the years she wrote poetry to ease her own troubled mind. A release of her fears that would be put on paper as a confession and belief. For when these words would be read later Amanda would realize the strength and comfort she found in them. A journal and pen worked wonders in her life as a companion and tools to live by. She notices that her face is wet and tears are falling from her eyes. She opens her journal and there on the first page is a poem she had written four months ago. It is like seeing into her mind and reading her fears. She cannot remember writing this poem but that happens most of the time to her. She has journals upstairs and downstairs in her car and jots down simple words from her heart whenever she can. When she opens a journal and comes across her own words she is surprised and believes: wow, I guess that is how I felt back then. Unfortunately, she does not have that feeling upon reading this poem and struggles with reading her own words. Ironic, she thinks to herself, as she begins to read the title with a tear in her eye.

I Don't Know How to Say Goodbye

She comes into my dreams at night, a woman I loved all my life.
Fear fills my mind, even though I know she is kind.
Sweat on my brow from the night, I awaken ready for a fight.
Confused and angry I cry for the need to understand, so I try.
To come to terms with her fate, the unknown is what I hate.
These nights are turbulent and long, tossing
and turning I am no longer strong.
I pretend during the day to be all right!
Even though I know fear will come in the night.
A woman I loved all my life awaits the Angel of Death to appear.
I wonder if she is filled with fear.

Amanda paces back and forth in her kitchen thinking how powerful her own words are. She will begin with this poem. She sits down and turning the page begins to share her emotions from the depths of her soul.

I learned to show no pain. I can hide the sorrow within. No one can hear my thoughts. My feelings belong to me. I do not need to share them with anyone. I feel as if I am in a moment that I cannot escape. I see the world moving forward, but I do not comprehend how to move with it. I am strong and I shall ease myself out somehow. I need time to sit and think. It seems as if I am about to fall off a cliff but something always makes me not plunge forward. I amaze myself at the ability I have to draw strength to live on in this world filled with pain.

The pain is the strongest at night. In the darkness, as the tears fall, no one sees. No one can hear me sob. I might be having a nervous breakdown, I think to myself. Yet, no one is aware that I suffer. I lay for hours in my bed at night as I pray the rosary to distract my mind and search for peace. If I close my eyes tightly I picture God above me guiding me through the night. There is a whisper of a voice in my head, "I can do this." I toss and turn constantly, wanting to dream of happy times, but nightmares come instead.

During the day a black cloud hangs overhead, waiting for me to arrive, waiting and watching from above. I feel there is no escape from this black cloud. If I were to go into the cloud my pain will be there for all to see. Their response will be that she's having a difficult time. All around me they will become uncomfortable and I know the questions I would be asked: "What's wrong with you? Can't you get on with your life? Are you that depressed? You are not acting yourself, why?" I can answer all the questions with four words, "My heart is broken." If I was no longer capable of hiding the pain, then I will be considered weak. A person who is not strong and not able to get on with her life!

I am not asking for years or just a few more months, maybe a day or two more, possibly a week longer is what is needed to heal my sorrow. How do I start to cry and shed this pain through my tears? How do I show that I suffer within? How do I make them understand? I feel in my heart that I need time. The problem is, I don't know how much time I need. Does anybody know how much time is needed to say "goodbye?"

I function daily but it is a struggle. I must go on, I tell myself. I push forward because of the responsibilities of my life. To give up would be too easy. To stop my thoughts is what I desire. How does one shut off their mind? If I can capture the pain and sorrow and place it on paper with my blood as the ink, I believe I shall escape. I can then say, "Read my pain, touch my words that came from my mind, now do you understand?" I doubt they will. I want silence in the world around me. I want to stay in this moment and feel my pain. I want to hurt. I believe if I get the chance to feel the pain and bleed, then I can be cured with the healing of my purpose in life as my band-aid.

I have a job to do as a wife and a mother. I just need time to sit back and contemplate this change, for it shall be different from now on. I have pushed the pain to the darkest corners of my soul but it sits waiting for me. This loss that will last forever has awakened me to reflect on the world all around. No one really cares, why? Many titles I carry and some have now been erased because of death, and this I feel is my greatest loss. In reality, I am not alone for there are people all around me who mean well but do not understand. I have my husband and children. I have my friends and people I work with. My pain has not affected their world. My sorrow lies within me and I have learned to hide it well. The realization that life does go on is the saddest part. To love and then hurt from loss has to be the hardest experience of life.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Making Believers by LINDA AMATO Copyright © 2011 by Linda Amato. Excerpted by permission of BALBOA PRESS. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Gratitude....................vii
Introduction....................xi
The Mansions of the Mind....................1
Fear....................3
Searching....................15
Belief....................22
Acknowledge....................27
Escape....................36
Acceptance....................55
Encourage....................71
Create....................90
Realization....................96
Peace....................103
The Passions of the Mind....................115
Beauty....................117
Faith....................127
Forgiveness....................143
Awareness....................152
Fulfillment....................161
Insight....................167
Love....................175
Nourishment....................190
Balance....................203
Satisfaction....................211
About the Author....................223