A frequent outlet for Twain’s wit was in letters to the editors of various newspapers and periodicals. Sharing his thoughts and opinions on topical issues ranging from national affairs to local social events, with swipes along the way at woman suffrage, potholes, literary piracy and other scams, slow mail delivery, police corruption, capital punishment, and the removal of Huck Finn from libraries, Twain never hesitated to speak his mind. And now thanks to Gary Scharnhorst, more than a hundred of these letters are available in one place for us to enjoy.
From his opinions on the execution of an intellectually brilliant murderer, to his scathing review of a bureau he perceived as “a pack of idiots” running on a currency of doughnuts, Twain’s pure, unbridled voice is evident throughout his letters. Mark Twain on Potholes and Politicsgives readers a chance to delve further than ever before into the musings of the most recognizable voice in American literature.
A frequent outlet for Twain’s wit was in letters to the editors of various newspapers and periodicals. Sharing his thoughts and opinions on topical issues ranging from national affairs to local social events, with swipes along the way at woman suffrage, potholes, literary piracy and other scams, slow mail delivery, police corruption, capital punishment, and the removal of Huck Finn from libraries, Twain never hesitated to speak his mind. And now thanks to Gary Scharnhorst, more than a hundred of these letters are available in one place for us to enjoy.
From his opinions on the execution of an intellectually brilliant murderer, to his scathing review of a bureau he perceived as “a pack of idiots” running on a currency of doughnuts, Twain’s pure, unbridled voice is evident throughout his letters. Mark Twain on Potholes and Politicsgives readers a chance to delve further than ever before into the musings of the most recognizable voice in American literature.
Mark Twain on Potholes and Politics: Letters to the Editor
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Overview
A frequent outlet for Twain’s wit was in letters to the editors of various newspapers and periodicals. Sharing his thoughts and opinions on topical issues ranging from national affairs to local social events, with swipes along the way at woman suffrage, potholes, literary piracy and other scams, slow mail delivery, police corruption, capital punishment, and the removal of Huck Finn from libraries, Twain never hesitated to speak his mind. And now thanks to Gary Scharnhorst, more than a hundred of these letters are available in one place for us to enjoy.
From his opinions on the execution of an intellectually brilliant murderer, to his scathing review of a bureau he perceived as “a pack of idiots” running on a currency of doughnuts, Twain’s pure, unbridled voice is evident throughout his letters. Mark Twain on Potholes and Politicsgives readers a chance to delve further than ever before into the musings of the most recognizable voice in American literature.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780826273390 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | University of Missouri Press |
| Publication date: | 01/23/2015 |
| Series: | Mark Twain and His Circle , #1 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 224 |
| File size: | 1 MB |
About the Author
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Mark Twain on Potholes and Politics
Letters to the Editor
By Gary Scharnhorst
University of Missouri Press
Copyright © 2014 The Curators of the University of MissouriAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-8262-7339-0
CHAPTER 1
As a local reporter for the San Francisco Morning Call in 1864, Mark Twain had been on amiable terms with Chief of Police Martin J. Burke (d. 1906) and his officers. However, by early 1866 Twain had charged Burke with cronyism and his men with a variety of high crimes and misdemeanors, and the chief in turn had encouraged one of his officers to sue Twain for libel. According to Twain's official biographer, Albert Bigelow Paine, Twain "really let himself go" in his "San Francisco Letter" in the Virginia City Territorial Enterprise for January 23, 1866, condemning "the city's corrupt morals under the existing police government" of Burke. This piece opened by announcing, "The air is full of lechery, and rumors of lechery." Paine adds that it "continued in a strain which made even the Enterprise printers aghast." Lamentably, this letter does not survive in its entirety, because no file of the Enterprise is extant. Most of Mark Twain's frequent, sometimes daily contributions to its pages during his stint as San Francisco correspondent between July 1865 and March 1866 are lost save only for excerpts reprinted in other papers. On February 5 the San Francisco Examiner, a Democratic paper opposed to Burke's populist politics, excerpted Twain's famous philippic. As a correspondent of the Mariposa Free Press explained, some "leather-head" had (mis)interpreted Twain's column to mean "that Burke kept a mistress. An explanation was demanded, and they got one which made things worse." In his ostensible apology two days later, Twain disingenuously protested his innocence even while continuing to heap scorn on the chief.
"Explanation of a Mysterious Sentence," San Francisco Examiner, February 7, 1866, 3.
EDITOR EXAMINER:—You published the following paragraph the other day and stated that it was an "extract from a letter to the Virginia Enterprise, from the San Francisco correspondent of that paper." Please publish it again, and put in the parentheses where I have marked them, so that people who read with wretched carelessness may know to a dead moral certainty when I am referring to Chief Burke, and also know to an equally dead moral certainty when I am referring to the dog:
I want to compliment Chief Burke—I do honestly. But I can't find anything to compliment him about. He is always rushing furiously around, like a dog after his own tail—and with the same general result, it seems to me; if he (the dog, not the Chief,) catches it, it don't amount to anything, after all the fuss; and if he (the dog, not the Chief,) don't catch it it don't make any difference, because he (the dog, not the Chief,) didn't want it anyhow; he (the dog, not the Chief,) only wanted the exercise, and the happiness of "showing off" before his (the dog's, not the Chief's,) mistress and the other young ladies. But if the Chief (not the dog,) would only do something praiseworthy, I would be the first and the most earnest and cordial to give him (the Chief, not the dog,) the credit due. I would sling him (the Chief, not the dog,) a compliment that would knock him down. I mean that it would be such a first-class compliment that it might surprise him (the Chief, not the dog,) to that extent as coming from me.
I think that even the pupils of the Asylum at Stockton can understand that paragraph now. But in its original state, and minus the explanatory parentheses, there were people with sufficiently gorgeous imaginations to gather from it that it contained an intimation that Chief Burke kept a mistress! and not only that, but they also imagined that Chief Burke was in the habit of amusing that mistress with an entertainment of the most extraordinary character! I grant you that if you can make the sentence mean that it was the Chief who amused "his mistress and the other young ladies," it must mean that the same individual went through the truly surprising performance alluded to. I was sorry to learn that any one had placed so dire a misconstruction upon that sentence; I was genuinely sorry, but the idea was so unspeakably funny that I had to laugh a little, in spite of my tears. Certain friends of the Chief's were really distressed about this thing, and my object in writing this paragraph now, is to assure them emphatically that I did not intend to hint that he kept a mistress, and to further assure them that I have never heard any one in the world intimate such a thing. I think that is plain enough. I have written hard things about Chief Burke, in his official capacity, and I have no doubt I shall do it again; but I have not the remotest idea of meddling with his private affairs. Even if he kept a mistress, I would hardly parade it in the public prints; nor would I object to his performing any gymnastic miracle which might suggest itself to his mind as being calculated to afford her wholesome amusement. I am a little at loggerheads with M. J. Burke, Chief of Police, and I must beg leave to stir that officer up some in the papers from time to time; but M. J. Burke, in his capacity as a private citizen, is a bosom friend of mine, and is safe from my attacks. I would even drink with him, if asked to do so. But Chief Burke don't keep a mistress. On second thoughts, I only wish he did. I would call it malfeasance in office and publish it in a minute!
MARK TWAIN.
At least some of the mud Twain flung at the San Francisco police during these months seems to have stuck, because Burke was turned out of office in the next municipal election. In November 1866, however, he had a measure of revenge. Two years earlier Twain had signed as bondsman for a friend who then fled to Nevada. When he "endeavored to reform the Police force of this city," according to the Morning Call, police officials "looked not with kindness upon his efforts" and he "was rewarded for his services by being sued on the bond." The house receipts for his November 16 lecture in San Francisco on the Sandwich Islands were garnisheed to satisfy part of the judgment, and he was compelled to admit in court the next day that, despite his recent successes on the boards, he was unable to pay the balance of the bond. "If the person who let loose the dogs of law" upon Twain "can gain any comfort from his action," the Call editorialized on November 18, "he is welcome to it. We feel satisfied that 'Mr. Twain' will not lose the respect of any one by being forced to acknowledge that he is short of funds." The prediction proved true, of course: Twain sailed in December for New York and in the spring of 1867 to Europe and the Holy Land aboard the Quaker City. Meanwhile, ex-Chief Burke became a real estate agent.
CHAPTER 2Twain contributed to the Californian, edited by his friend Bret Harte (1836–1902), from October 1864 until spring 1866. But both of them left the literary weekly when it began to fail. Twain facetiously applied for the editorship a few months before it suspended publication.
"The Moral Phenomenon," Californian, August 25, 1866, 9.
Farallones, August 20, 1866.
Publishers Californian:
Gentlemen:—You had better hire me to fill the vacant editorship of The Californian. What you want is a good Moral tone to the paper. If I have got a strong suit, that is it. If I am a wild enthusiast on any subject, that is the one. I am peculiarly fitted for such a position. I have been a missionary to the Sandwich Islands, and I have got the hang of all that sort of thing to a fraction. I gave such excellent satisfaction in Hawaii nei that they let me off when my time was up. I was justly considered to be the high chief of that Serious Family down there. I mention here—and I mention it modestly—I mention it with that fatal modesty which has always kept me down—that the missionaries always spoke of me as the Moral Phenomenon when I was down there. They were amazed to behold to what a dizzy altitude human morality may be hoisted up, as exemplified in me. I am honestly proud of the title they have conferred upon me, and shall always wear it in remembrance of my brief but gratifying missionary labors in the Islands.
What you want is Morality. You have run too much poetry; you have slathered—so to speak—(missionary term,)—you have slathered too many frivolous sentimental tales into your paper; too much wicked wit and too much demoralizing humor; too much harmful elevating literature. What the people are suffering for, is Morality. Turn them over to me. Give me room according to my strength. I can fetch them!
Let me hear from you. You could not do better than hire me. I can bring your paper right up. You ought to know, yourself, that when I play my hand in the high moral line, I take a trick every time.
Yours, "Mark Twain" Surnamed The Moral Phenomenon
CHAPTER 3Twain burlesqued the Byzantine politics of the French-Mexican War as it was concluding in 1866–67.
"'Mark Twain' Explains the Mexican Correspondence," San Francisco Alta California, December 10, 1866, 1.
Editors Alta: I wish, now, I hadn't advertised to lecture to-night on the "Sandwich Islands," because everything seems conspiring to discompose my mind. The telegraphic despatches about that Col. Perkins tangled me up a good deal, and now, right on top of it comes this dreadful correspondence between Secretary Seward and Minister Bigelow—and yet, whether I got that straight in my head or not, I have got to preach. Do you know what Bigelow is driving at? Do you know if Bigelow drinks?
As I understand it, Bigelow says the Mexican troops have countermanded the order conveying to Austria the power to centralize her authority in the interim, and meanwhile we are to receive the policy of the French Government as pointing to ultimate repudiation of Enclosure No. 3, and the resumption of the principles set forth in Enclosure No. 1—and this in the face of the intimation that "Gen. Almonte, who was appointed to replace M. (Mike?) Hidalgo at this Court, has arrived." Also, as I understand Bigelow, per Enclosure No. 2, there are some Austrian troops in question, but they are not Austrians now. They were Austrians formerly, but Austria has had no difficulty in explaining to Motley that they are partly Mexicans now, because they are serving in Mexico, and partly Frenchmen, because they are fighting in the ranks of the French auxiliaries. Next she will be wanting to convince Motley that they are horses because they live on barley, in the condition of soup. Here we have Austrian volunteers and enclosures so-and-so, and old Almonte, and Mike Hidalgo all mixed up together, and as if that were not enough, it appears that Princess Carlotta, General Grant and Marquis de Montacion have got a hand in it. And Drouyn de Lhuys says he has been speaking with Bigelow, who has been spending some time at Ems! Our Minister cavorting around in that way, and such infernal questions as these to be ciphered out! I don't know who Em is, and I don't care—she is not any better than she ought to be, though, I expect—but I do know that Bigelow might be in better business.
But the most tanglesome paragraph in the whole lot, is the one where Seward says to this libertine Bigelow, that he "has written to the Emperor Maximilian that the Austrian volunteers being only a contingent, and not a necessary interregnum within the meaning of international law, and the violation of treaty stipulations not virtually depending upon the acceptance or dismissal of a proposition so fraught with vital consequences to both nations, whether of the Old World or the New, he does not so consider it."
I copper that document. It is altogether too many for me. I sort of got the hang of what Bigelow was driving at (though really I don't know, yet, what he was trying to worry through his head), but Seward is entirely too lively for me. I shall be tangled hopelessly for a week, now. But this shall be a lesson to me. I will never bother my head with diplomatic correspondence any more.
MARK TWAIN.
CHAPTER 4While on a visit to his family prior to his departure on the Quaker City tour to Europe and the Holy Land in June 1867, Mark Twain responded in the next three letters to the petitions filed with the Missouri state legislature by suffragists who demanded the right to vote and hold office. While his satire of so-called petticoat tyranny is ambiguous, on balance the twenty-nine-year-old Twain seemed unconvinced by the arguments in favor of suffrage. Not yet married, he caricatured a shrew ("Mrs. Mark Twain") who is ostensibly his wife and mother of their children.
"Female Suffrage / Views of Mark Twain," Missouri Democrat (St. Louis), March 12, 1867, 4.
Editors Missouri Democrat:
I have read the long list of lady petitioners in favor of female suffrage, and as a husband and a father I want to protest against the whole business. It will never do to allow women to vote. It will never do to allow them to hold office. You know, and I know, that if they were granted these privileges there would be no more peace on earth. They would swamp the country with debt. They like to hold office too well. They like to be Mrs. President Smith of the Dorcas society, or Mrs. Secretary Jones of the Hindoo aid association, or Mrs. Treasurer of something or other. They are fond of the distinction of the thing, you know; they revel in the sweet jingle of the title. They are always setting up sanctified confederations of all kinds, and then running for president of them. They are even so fond of office that they are willing to serve without pay. But you allow them to vote and to go to the Legislature once, and then see how it will be. They will go to work and start a thousand more societies, and cram them full of salaried offices. You will see a state of things then that will stir your feelings to the bottom of your pockets. The first fee bill would exasperate you some. Instead of the usual schedule for judges, State printer, Supreme court clerks, &c., the list would read something like this:
[TABLE OMITTED]
You know what a state of anarchy and social chaos that fee bill would create. Every woman in the commonwealth of Missouri would let go everything and run for State Milliner. And instead of ventilating each other's political antecedents, as men do, they would go straight after each other's private moral character. (I know them—they are all like my wife.) Before the canvas was three days old it would be an established proposition that every woman in the State was "no better than she ought to be." Only think how it would lacerate me to have an opposition candidate say that about my wife. That is the idea, you know—having other people say these hard things. Now, I know that my wife isn't any better than she ought to be, poor devil—in fact, in matters of orthodox doctrine, she is particularly shaky—but still I would not like these things aired in a political contest. I don't really suppose that that woman will stand any more show hereafter than—however, she may improve—she may even become a beacon light for the saving of others—but if she does, she will burn rather dim, and she will flicker a good deal, too. But, as I was saying, a female political canvass would be an outrageous thing.
Think of the torch-light processions that would distress our eyes. Think of the curious legends on the transparencies:
"Robbins forever! Vote for Sallie Robbins, the only virtuous candidate in the field!"
And this: "Chastity, modesty, patriotism! Let the great people stand by Maria Sanders, the champion of morality and progress, and the only candidate with a stainless reputation!"
And this: "Vote for Judy McGinniss, the incorruptible! Nine children—one at the breast!"
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Mark Twain on Potholes and Politics by Gary Scharnhorst. Copyright © 2014 The Curators of the University of Missouri. Excerpted by permission of University of Missouri Press.
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