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CHAPTER 1
Miriam was dead.
I tried saying it over to myself, Miriam's dead — she died — her death occurred at ... It made a flat, jagged sound that lost more of its meaning each time I said it.
I stood alone on the city street where the morning split the air in shafts of sharp, lemon light. The crowds parted and moved around me like jetsam carried on the tide. Nearby a man sat on a wall eating a sandwich and reading his newspaper — just as if nothing had happened. The glare of the sun stung my eyes, already red and gritty from lack of sleep. I don't think I had been crying; I didn't believe it enough to cry. I can remember feeling a sort of detachment, as if an invisible mantle separated me from the rest of the world. Everything seemed distant and subdued; the voices of passers-by were muffled, students cycled past on silent wheels, cars droned and purred. A bus rasped a sigh of air brakes as it swished along the curb, causing the few, early-fallen leaves to skitter across the pavement. I stood, hovering on the edge of the city, holding onto a deep emptiness for fear that something more dreadful would take its place.
So, what was I supposed to do next? There were things I ought to see to but I was too exhausted to even think about them. Then suddenly I was aware of the day. She always loved this time of year, the thinning of the summer sun into a paler light, the subtle pungency of decay in the cooling air. But this time she would not be sharing it with me. This was my first day without Miriam; and the first time I saw him.
I'm making this sound as if it all happened a long time ago and to me it feels almost like another lifetime, but in reality it's only been a few weeks. Early September it was, and the leaves had started to turn from gold to flame. Even now the last of their kind, the most determined, are still clinging to the trees. I'm trying hard to keep the image of it in my mind. I must take each memory and polish it clean like a pebble, collect them all safely in a secret place. But already the picture is fading. I suppose that must be all part of it, some sort of enchantment that steals away every memory that would lead me to him.
And I wonder how much, if anything, he'll remember of me?
Just a few steps away there was a small, French style cafe and a rich miasma of freshly ground coffee thickened the air. There were miniature orange trees in wooden tubs either side of the swinging doors. I thought the oranges must be plastic. Oranges wouldn't grow on an English street, would they? And this piece of trivia took on such heightened significance that I found myself walking towards the doorway to investigate. Yes, they were plastic, but the menu in the window was handwritten although, at that moment, I doubted I could ever eat or drink again. Yet I walked inside and sat down, studying the grey and white swirls of the marble table-top. Coffee was placed in front of me, though I could not recall ordering anything. I lifted the spoon and traced lines in the creamy foam.
The three of us, that's how it had always been. Miriam is — was — my grandmother, Hannah her daughter and my mother, and then there was me, Chloe. Mother — daughter — child. Three slivers of brittle glass, edging and grinding away at each other. And then there was him, although up until that moment I didn't know he existed. He must have known some of it. And Miriam? Of course, Miriam knew everything. What about Hannah? I'm still not sure how much she was aware of.
I, of course, knew nothing. They all made sure of that.
My hand was hurting. I found it grasping the pendant, holding on to it so tightly that red and purple marks were scored across my palm like stigmata. My eyes were hot and sore and I could feel tears pricking the corners, but I was determined not to cry. Grief is a private matter, Hannah would say. My mother never approved of public displays of emotion, would never be seen to lose control. Miriam pitied her for that and many other things. A strange thing to feel for one's own daughter — not love nor pride, but pity.
There was flurry near the door, a swirling of brown and black, a long dark coat, ebony hair slicked back and caught into a smooth tail, the scraping of a metal chair against a tiled floor.
'You won't mind if I join you.' It was a statement, not a request for permission. I didn't need this and whoever he was I wished he would go away. Instead he sat down opposite me, the hem of his coat sweeping the floor, and leaned his head down sideways to peer up into my face.
'It is, indeed, a beautiful morning. You are Cliohna, aren't you, though of course you prefer to be called Chloe?'
I swallowed back the tears. My voice came out in a broken whisper. 'Yes. Do I know you?'
'Miriam, I know ... I knew your grandmother, Miriam.' I looked up into eyes that were more gold than brown, a sweep of black lashes and black brows arched like wings on a pale forehead. He could have been my age, early twenties, but it was difficult to tell; his age seemed to change from moment to moment. He lowered his eyelids, his mouth pulled taut. Like me he seemed to be bearing the sorrow of a loss and struggling to maintain a public face.
'I don't know you, do I? I don't think we have ever met.' I knew we hadn't. He was not someone to be overlooked. 'You say you knew Miriam?'
He looked directly into my eyes and nodded.
'Yes, I have known her a long time. A long time.' Then his gaze drifted to the window and he was silent for so long I thought he had forgotten about me.
Suddenly, without looking back but with a voice so clear that I was startled, he said, 'You could say that through her I have known you, also.'
'Oh,' I scratched around for something to say, 'perhaps she spoke about you. I'm afraid I don't remember. I'm sorry, this is embarrassing. You seem to know who I am but I don't know anything about you.' To be honest, I didn't care who he was, I just hoped he would go away and leave me alone to nurture my misery. I thought that if I maintained a cool politeness it would somehow sustain the distance between us. As a strategy it failed.
'My name is ... It is difficult to pronounce. It would be easier if you called me Iolair. That is what she called me.'
'Iolair? That's easier, is it? What sort of name is that?'
'It's Celtic, like your own Cliohna, from the Gaelic. I know you prefer Chloe, but didn't Miriam sometimes call you Little Wren?'
This was too much, too intimate, this closeness from a total stranger. Who was he to know my name? What else did he know about me? I felt exposed, undefended, a small animal trapped by the intensity of those golden brown eyes. As if he sensed my unease he straightened, pushing backwards in his chair to break the spell.
'I'll have some coffee. Dark and sweet and very strong. That's what is needed at moments such as this,' and he smiled at me and before I could help it I had smiled back. He raised a long, slender hand in the slightest of gestures and a waiter, busy at a far table, his back towards us, turned from his task and walked over to our corner. At the time my thoughts were too jumbled to register the significance of this. Nor was I concerned when, having brought a second cup to place next to mine, the waiter failed to place with it the slip of paper for the till. My mind was too full of momentous events to be concerned with the activities of restaurant staff. It is only now, knowing what I know, that all the tiny shards of abnormality begin to fall into place.
'You managed to get some sleep.' Again it was a statement.
'Yes a little.'
I had slept, but fitfully. Paul had pressed some tablets into my hand, insisting that I go home and try to get some rest. I had drifted in and out of dreams filled with images of my grandmother weaving her magical stories and Hannah, tight faced and weeping. And there was a bird, a large, brown bird with a vicious beak and talons and the saddest of sad eyes. Its outstretched wings beat against the rushing of wind. Images of Miriam were pierced by its sharp eyes and its strange cry, a scream of pain and despair that was so real it woke me several times.
'I didn't think I would sleep,' I said, 'but I managed to catch a few hours. I woke early. There seems to be so much to do and I don't really know where to start. It's all very confusing. I've just come from the undertakers. What an odd word that is. When I was little I thought they were the people who took you under when you died. You know, under the ground. I'm still not sure why they're called that.' Oh, God, I thought, why am I blathering on like this? I sound like an idiot.
The doors continued to open and close. The room was made hot and humid by the polished chrome machines constantly exhaling gasps of aromatic steam. Iolair, sipped his coffee, watching me, unblinking, unerring, forcing me to prattle on.
'The man there was very solemn and respectful. He talked in whispers, and minced around me as if I were an invalid. He reminded me of an old fashioned butler, the sort you see in a Noel Coward play. He kept asking me all sorts of questions about what sort of funeral it was to be, where it would be held and how many cars did I want. And I kept saying that I didn't know. At one point I said that I'd have to ask Miriam. I felt so stupid. He kept referring to her as "the deceased" and talking about "the arrangements". I wanted to shout at him, tell him that her name is Miriam and that she's dead and I just have to bury her that's all. He was a kind man and he was only trying to be helpful and I felt like punching him in the face.'
'There will be a lot of that, I'm afraid — people using the correct words, making the proper gestures. It's all part of the ritual, the process of grieving. You will have to make allowances.'
I picked up the spoon and stirred my unwanted coffee while he took a sip of his, then another, his eyes closing and the tip of his tongue circling his lips.
'You know, this is an excellent blend, strong on flavour but gentle on the palate. A slightly nutty taste. It's got quite a zing to it. You should drink yours — it will kick some life back into you.'
'I gather you're not one of those people are you?'
'One of who? Or is it "whom"? I'm never quite sure.'
'People who go through the ritual, say all the correct words. Try to give comfort.'
'Would you like me to? I'm willing to give it a try, though I've not had much practice.'
'No, I couldn't bear that.'
For something to do I picked up my cup and took a few sips. He was right, it was good and it did what he said it would do. Then I felt guilty about enjoying it.
'You know, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling.' The line of his eyebrows flicked up in question. 'I mean, I'm all hollow and empty. Waiting for it to start hurting. They say that at first you forget that it's happened, especially first thing in the morning. I had a friend lost her boyfriend in a car accident. She'd wake up looking forward to meeting John for lunch, or thinking she'd get him to look at a faulty plug on her kettle. Silly things like that. Then she would remember that he was dead and it would all come flooding in again. It was like she lost him over and over again each day. I wonder how long it will be before I understand that Miriam has gone.'
'She loved you very much, you know, in a way she could not love Hannah.'
'How would you know? Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to be ... No, you are right. I think it's because I can enter her world, you know, the stuff she writes, the stories and folk tales. Hannah always hated all that. Besides, they've hardly spoken for years.'
'That made things difficult for you.'
'Well, it's not easy. It's like I'm trying to be two different people. There, see. I'm doing it already; talking as if Miriam were still here. I'll have to get used to saying was. It was difficult. She did love me.'
The stranger said nothing. He leaned across the table and covered my hand with his. A sudden rush of salt-hot tears gushed down my face. I rummaged in my pocket for some tissues, trying to disown the helpless sobs and gulps that shook my body. A few people fidgeted, embarrassed, and politely turned away. It was easier to study the pattern of fine blue veins that traced his wrist bone and the delicate curve of the thumb. He waited, still and silent, until the storm had subsided. I began to apologise and search for more tissues.
It was as I bent down to retrieve my bag that my jacket fell open and the pendant swung forward, clinking against the rim of my cup. The man, Iolair, jolted violently, as if a surge of energy had coursed through him. He stared at the silver ornament and for a moment stopped breathing, his body held rigid.
'It suits you well, the talisman.'
'Talisman? Is that what it is? I'm not sure what that means. It was Miriam's.'
'Yes, I know. She always wore it. And now you seem to be in possession of it.' His fingers gripped the rim of the marble table. 'An intriguing design, Celtic obviously. Do you know anything about it?'
'No, only that she wore it constantly. She gave it to me last night.'
'Did she, indeed?' his voice falling to a whisper, 'did she?' His arm reached out across the table. 'May I?' Delicate fingertips took hold of the silver shape, tracing the interwoven lines and knots of the pattern. His hands were shaking. How pale they were almost silvery blue, long and tapered with a delicate webbing of skin between each finger. 'I would like to see it more closely. Would you mind just slipping it off for a moment?'
It was a reasonable request, a harmless curiosity, and I responded accordingly. Or was it the habit of obedience? 'Do as you're told, there's a good girl.' I took the chain in both hands, about to lift it over my head. Then something held me back, something Miriam had said as she gave it to me. I thought at the time she must be delirious and I should humour her. But I had given my word, hadn't I? It was a promise, the last one I ever made her. I hesitated then let go of the chain, allowing it to fall back into place.
'No. No I'm sorry but I'd rather not if you don't mind. It's very special. I don't want to take it off, well not yet anyway.'
He sighed heavily.
'Of course not. How insensitive, I should never have asked. I apologise. I know how very precious it must be to you.'
'She told me never to part with it. As you say she always wore it. Perhaps I will too.'
'Perhaps.' He looked suddenly weary and defeated, slumping back into the chair, his head thrown back.
I thought of the bird I had seen in my dreams, its cry of despair. I watched the angular line of his throat rise and fall as he struggled to hold down his own distress. Why should Miriam have meant so much to him? We had become very close, my grandmother and I, over the last few years. It was strange that she had not spoken to me of this man.
He looked at me again and his expression softened into a gentle smile. 'I have intruded upon you long enough.' His departure was as abrupt as his arrival and for a moment I almost asked him to stay. But then didn't. 'We shall meet again soon, Little Wren.' He stood and turned from his chair and his long black coat swirled around him like a cloak. At the door he turned and looked back to me. 'Try talking to Greg Uson. I'm sure he can help.' Then he was gone.
The cafe subsided back into normality and all the mundane noises of dampened conversation and clinking china sank in to fill the spaces where he had been. The only evidence of his presence was a half- finished cup of coffee.
After a few moments I began to wonder if he had ever been there at all.
CHAPTER 2
Greg Uson was the obvious person to talk to, so why the hell hadn't I thought of him myself? Within half an hour I was sitting on the leather chesterfield in the outer office, waiting for him.
I've known him forever. He's not exactly my uncle. One of the strange things about our family is how we call each other by our first names, (or, perhaps it's one of the least strange things, now I think about it.) Anyway, I'm sure that was all Miriam's doing. David and I have always called our mother Hannah behind her back, following Miriam's example of course, although Hannah would have been furious when we were young. Now we use her given name most of the time. Everyone called Miriam, Miriam. She made it clear that was who she was and didn't require unnecessary labels. Yet, despite his being no relation to us, we all call him our 'Uncle Greg'. He'd always been there for us and in the old days he used to come to our house often. I'd been coming to this office for as long as I could remember, though not so much in the past few years and I realised, as I entered the outer room, that I'd kind of lost touch with him. All part of growing up I suppose, but I felt sad about it all the same.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Miriam's Talisman"
by .
Copyright © 2014 Elenor Gill.
Excerpted by permission of Diversion Publishing Corp..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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