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CHAPTER 1
SETTING THE SCENE
This story is a bit different in that there is no beginning, no middle and no end. The beginning is a hazy memory, the middle sometimes seems to last forever while the end - who wants to talk about the end!
At the moment I am at the nice stage, where my kids actually like me, pay me compliments, boast about me (how sweet); even though saying my mom is bigger than yours, isn't exactly what I want to hear as a compliment!
Of course, they want me to live forever, as opposed to wishing me dead. Long may that last, because I am sure, there will come a time that I will simply drive them mad by being around at all! Even sharing the same air will be enough to send them gagging, so I might as well make the very most of this moment in time. No doubt it will pass all too fast.
The way I see it, it is really a hands on, dive in there, plenty of deep breaths, count to 10 and do your best kind of job. It is also about survival, and sometimes taking a gamble, working against the odds and all that!
Now that I have said all the above, let me just set the scene for where we live, and our typical or atypical day - depending on how you look at it.
We live in a little town, near the coast of Ireland, in what would be termed 'a nice place to live'.
Kids travel freely, calling to their friends' houses, no invitation needed.
We live in a modest sized house, which looks onto a nice green area, where we can safely keep an eye on our kids from such a distance, so that our presence isn't obvious, but we are still there in the background to step in if needed.
Anyway, a little bit about us. We are a family of four. My husband Tim is the sensible one in the family. He leads a double life! The first is when he goes to work every day, the other when he comes home to us!
People think I am the glue that holds this family together, but in reality I think he does. He makes everything possible. They say opposites attract. Yes I can confirm that for sure!
He helps me take life more seriously and I help him take life less seriously!
Then there is my daughter Emily 8 and my son Patrick who is 6. They are like chalk and cheese, but I know they love each other. This is especially evident when they have a falling out with a friend, and the other will stick up for them, share their sweets with them and say all the right things they want to hear.
Of course, me being the parent, I try to rationalize everything, calm things down and assure them that this is a temporary blip in their childhood or words to that effect, that a child will understand. Otherwise they would look at me, as if I was speaking a new language. 'Talk sense Mom' I can almost hear them say. 'What is a blip?'
Then there is me, Clare. What can I say about myself?
I work part time from home, working for an international best-selling artist. I handle all his queries, I have the flexibility and freedom to come and go as I please. He is a bit quirky and eccentric like me, so we get on just fine being thousands of miles apart! I think any closer and it definitely wouldn't work.
He sent me a stuffed parrot for my fortieth birthday, with a 'thinking of you' note. I am still trying to figure out the significance of that note, combined with the stuffed parrot! Is it a deeply philosophical gesture or just something someone quirky and eccentric would send? Probably so! At least the kids think it is a cool present and like to play pirates with it.
Well enough said, you will get to know me a whole lot better as you read on, so I won't form any opinions on myself. I will let you do that!
Anyway welcome to my home, my life, my adventure towards a Ph.D. in Parenthood.
CHAPTER 2
HOW THE DAY BEGINS
Okay, how the day begins, of course differs between school days, weekends and holidays. The reverse happens in our house. Kids rise early at the weekend and on holidays but sleep in on the school mornings!
I kid you not!
Monday to Friday of school days, my kids need a number of types of wake up calls. First, I make some noise in general and open their doors, and then I open the curtains. Get out their clothes. Say good morning, kiss them and then gently move the covers off them. All this is done in stages, so they can gradually wake up!
To them, it seems like the middle of the night, even if it is bright, and so I safely escort them down the stairs, through half opened eyes, and guiding them to the sofa, where they collapse again.
I give them a few minutes to make the transition from the land of sleep, to the land where school is on the agenda, before asking anything of them. Believe me; I learned this the hard way.
Ph.D. Notes to Self
Seriously, could I possibly admit this caper to anyone without being ridiculed? This is insane. Need to source 'rise and shine' multi-vitamins to kick start their day, so I can eliminate half the steps or just let them get on with it, while I get on with everything else I need to do too!
Anyway the million dollar question comes next. 'What would you like for breakfast?' It's not a trick question, and it is not like I ever asked that question before. Yet I get 'the look'.
'What can we have?'
Now breakfast doesn't change that much in my house. We have cereal, toast, milk or fresh juice on a school morning. We have time on our side at weekends to be more flamboyant at breakfast time, so for five mornings a week during the school term, I am still asked 'What can we have?'
I rattle off the list of foods available for breakfast, and am met with disapproving, unimpressed glances. Thankfully, they do settle on something edible, easy to rustle up and moderately healthy.
Phew off to a good enough start!
While they eat, I prepare the school lunch. Yes I know I should do all that stuff the night before - will I ever learn? The problem is, the night before I am still tackling the night before stuff and that does take up the night before, you follow?
Each of them likes different things (no surprise there) so I pull things from the fridge and cupboard that they like, but which meets the school criteria for lunch time snacks. Thankfully the school has a ban on certain foods. One less battle I have to deal with because whatever the school says, they know there is no negotiation!
Next hurdle is for them to get dressed! They have done it themselves for years, but on school mornings it seems to be a real struggle. The clothes are too tight, too stretchy, too itchy, shoes too small overnight, socks have prickly things in them, that I can't seem to find and their hair is sticking up. All the while this is going on; I do not have time on my side.
Tick – tock – tick – tock.
The clock face mocks me as I try to negotiate, problem solve, multi-task and stay calm through it all.
Finally it's down to brushing teeth and praying toothpaste doesn't spill on their clothes. Yes, another success! Clothes intact and no white stains to have to rub off today, just plenty of toothpaste to clean from the sink area!
At last, out the door, school bags loaded up but no, not quite yet! A pit stop to the bathroom is called for - by at least one child. It usually starts with Patrick, and I think he falls asleep in there with the door locked, so I cannot do a sneaky check. While Emily is waiting to go to school, she realizes, just as he is flushing the toilet, that she needs to go now.
Tick – tock – tick – tock.
Then it's the last minute protest: 'Why do we need to go to school anyway?'
Where do I start!
We take the short cut again and run through the field. So much for trying to straighten down their hair! It is sticking up again, in the bracing, westerly breeze that frequents this island of ours.
At last, they get to school, re-tie the laces that have come undone, and wipe the grass from their shoes. Another success, they arrive on time. An unusual occurrence for us all; and a bit embarrassing seeing that we only live a field away as the crow flies. Of course, I am still trying to explain to the kids about the meaning of the crow flying!
I continue on for my walk, after dropping them off at the school gates, more to gather my thoughts and take a breather, before facing back to a house left in chaos.
I would love to be one of those parents to say to another, 'oh do come back to mine for a coffee', but if I do invite someone back, I almost feel I have to give a disclaimer and apologize for the mess. As if it's a once off bad day at my house as opposed to the norm!
People say they find my house homely. Thanks (I think!).
No, you won't find clear spaces, vases of fresh flowers on the counter tops, sparking windows and the like, but I will always find a place for you to sit down (I may have to move something) and you will always be welcome!
Ph.D. Notes to Self
Try to get kids up fifteen minutes earlier. Note: This will only work if I keep the pressure on them to eat, dress, toilet, teeth etc. with a few minutes to spare (seriously who am a kidding?).
Try to get kids to the bathroom sooner. The thing is, if they go too soon, they will need to go again. Run trials and take notes! Don't make it look obvious I am taking notes in front of kids or we will definitely be late - or even later!
Print off list of breakfast items and give them one minute to tick what they want otherwise tell them I decide. Novelty should last all of 1 week but at least it will buy me another week until I think of something else. Or just have 2 cereals, thus halving the choice. Why didn't I think of this sooner? Am I for real? Just reading back on my notes, I seriously question my sanity!
CHAPTER 3
FEEDING TIME AT THE ZOO
I get everything done in time for the 'meet and greet' of my kids, as they trek home from school. Their class mates accompany them part of the way, until they spilt the journey finally going home to their own houses.
As I see them approach, I generally go out to meet them, and carry their heavy bags. They look world weary, except on Fridays then they know they have the whole weekend ahead of them! Some days they may get home a little earlier and I may not always be outside to meet them.
It always amuses me, when my kids come through the door, and with their first gasp of air, they shout 'Mom where are you?' Sometimes, I am tempted to shout 'I am on the third floor, west wing darling'. Our house is not that big that I can't be tracked down in a matter of seconds, let alone minutes!
If they both come through the door at the same time, they split up, to track me down faster. If I happen to be in the bathroom, then they just sit on a bed and watch the door waiting for me. No pressure!
When I do appear, they both talk together. It's like a competition for attention, and not an order of whose request is more important that the others. In their eyes, whether it is 'where is my scooter?' or 'where are my boots?' are vitally important in their eyes and need an answer right now!
I know I have two ears, but it is still quite hard, to make out exactly what both of them are asking of me. Sometimes it's not so much of asking, as opposed to a demand, with a sense of grave urgency.
When I do make it out of the bathroom, it's like a race between them to see who can get down stairs first. I keep reminding them, the shortest way down the stairs is not to jump, skip steps of the stairs, slide down the banisters or trip the other person.
The sweat is nearly out through me and stress levels rising, as I make my way downstairs. Will the challenge continue, to see who can make it to the kitchen first? Sometimes they say 'whoever gets to Mommy first wins' and then I am faced with two charging kids, hell bent on only stopping, when they actually collide with me.
'Stop' I shout but the race is on! All I can do is brace myself, and ensure my center of gravity is such that I am not floored and flattened!
Great fun for them of course!
Ph.D. Notes to Self
See if I can change the 'race' mentality, so they will simply walk and not try to ambush the other. Am I expecting too much? Was I this way when I was their age? Can I even remember back that far?
When they do calm down, they realize they are hungry, no STARVING! Yes, as if I sent them to school with no breakfast and no packed lunch and they came home to face mice dancing in an empty shell of a fridge!
'Okay guys,' I say as I get my breath back. 'What would you like for lunch?'
'What can we have?'
I list out a few options and am met with bored, vacant faces.
'Anything else?'
I rack my brains, and come up with another possibility. My youngest may then say
'What can we have again?' and so the list is revisited!
Sometimes there is agreement, sometimes not. Food they liked two days ago may be 'I hate that' kind of food today!
At last a consensus is reached, and the count-down to getting lunch ready begins. I sometimes feel I am on a timer. From the moment they tell me what they want, I feel I am given what seems like milliseconds before they expect it to be ready!
'Mom I am starving, when is lunch ready?'
When I have the energy, I explain the real definition of starving, to prove they are in fact not starving, but sometimes this uses up valuable seconds in food preparation time!
'Kids, go jump on the trampoline, and I will call you when done' sounds like a logical comment to make, doesn't it? However you would think I was asking them to walk on burning coals. 'But we are starving!'
I borrow more time. 'Just five minutes, see how many jumps you can do in five minutes' and so the competition begins. I'll have to deal with the problem that creates later!
Although I get the food prepared in record time, allowances are not made for the actual cooking time, if they want something cooked!
'Kids, it is out of my hands and in the hands of the oven now' I say. They look at me like I am mad.
'What do you mean in the hands of the oven now, the oven has no hands.'
At least it buys me time while I explain what I meant!
The countdown to having the lunch cooked begins. I kid you not! Of course, I can't serve it straight away. It is too hot! They state the obvious, and look at me accusingly.
'Mom it's too hot now' - as if I did that on purpose!
'Yes dear that is what cooking does'. I say masking a touch of sarcasm.
So the countdown begins again to cool it down amidst cries of 'when is it ready? I am so hungry?'
As I call them in for lunch, they scramble out of the trampoline, racing to see who gets in first. Of course, sometimes there are tears and shouts of 'that's not fair, he pushed me' or 'she pushed me'.
I check the clock, it is only 3 pm. I just have to hang in there, three more hours before reinforcements and back up come along, i.e. my husband!
Silence at last as they eat. I sit to eat also, not sure if I am hungry or not, but I eat none the less.
I need to stock up on energy supplies and rest a while, before the afternoon session begins!
Ph.D. Notes to Self
Just cut out all this nonsense! This is a continuation from the messing around at breakfast time. Seriously it isn't a hotel I am running. Just make something they normally like and say lunch is ready. Have as an alternative something they like even less that I won't have to cook. Yes! Is Mommy finally getting a grip and getting devious!
CHAPTER 4
HOMEWORK HEADACHES AND HOUSEWORK HASSLES
After lunch, they are free to play a while, before school homework needs to be done. I use this time to tidy up and do the jobs I have been avoiding all day (like most of them) ... Snigger!
Some people find housework therapeutic. Personally I find it soul destroying. It's like making a lovely sandcastle that someone comes along and trashes, kicking sand everywhere and all the lovely time, energy and effort you invested is gone, gone, gone!
Especially on the days I make an extra effort to clean those things the sun never shines on or the things normally hidden from view that no one notices only me. It's not like my husband comes home and says 'wow where my shades everything is sparkling white and glowing' or something to that effect. If he did, I would probably thump him, thinking he was being sarcastic!
Ph.D. Notes to Self
Try to see housework as exercise. Put on loud music and bop around with a duster in my hands. Hold in belly when vacuuming and consider retrieving stuff from under the sofa, the beds and tables as a way to do deep stretches.
Ooh and aah at all the wonderful little surprises my kids leave me to tidy up or throw out, instead of getting annoyed and frustrated. This involves some serious mind games on my part to change my way of thinking, but I aim to give it a try for a few days.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Mommyville: On The Road To A Ph.D. in Parenting"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Orla Kelly.
Excerpted by permission of Prodigy Gold Books.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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