My Life in Secret

by K. F. Mueller

Overview

My Life in Secret is a memoir of an adult child of an alcoholic parent and how she finds her light; realizing it was always within her.

Whom It May Concern:
It’s not easy being me.
My heart has been broken.
I’m living in hell.
No one loves me.
No one cares.
I fear. I fear. I fear.
What’s with all the stares?

To Whom It May Concern:
Having no friends is no easy matter.
For the sake of my well-being, please, please, please be kind.
Yes, I’m going to try.
It seems I’ve been frozen in time.
I get queasy wishing it were all so easy.

To Whom It May Concern:
My soul has scars.
People are cruel.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m all alone, often put in a corner for all to see.
I cry and cry and cry and cry, even though I don’t know why.
If God is real, why can’t I heal?

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781452583419
Publisher:	Balboa Press
Publication date:	10/24/2013
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	166
File size:	314 KB

Read an Excerpt

My Life in Secret

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By K. F. Mueller

Balboa Press

Copyright © 2013 K. F. Mueller
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-8340-2

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CHAPTER 1

My Intention

* * *

My intention for writing this book is to be a beacon of light for others who are struggling in their darkness, letting them know they are not alone. I can feel the hearts of people crying out. There is hope for those who live in the painful world of loneliness.

Who I Am

* * *

First and foremost, I'm an adult child of an alcoholic parent. You wouldn't believe how many times I have said that out loud—the answer is only two or three times. You don't know what you don't know. No one spoke about the alcoholic in the family. It was what it was. Growing up you think your family is normal, just like everyone else's family. That is, until you realize different.

It was normal to see a parent "fall asleep" at the kitchen table in the middle of the afternoon. Everyone simply walks around the passed-out drunk.

At a young age I learned how to shut off my feelings. Feelings simply created more disruptions in a chaotic environment, and by distancing myself from feelings I was able to keep myself safe. It became an extremely lonely existence. It was painful for me to be with people in general. I stayed invisible—completely invisible to the world around me. I learned not to talk unless spoken to, not to trust anyone—not even myself.

When I came into contact with people, they had no idea who they were dealing with. In simple terms, I continued all the behaviors I learned in childhood. I did what I knew. For decades and decades I suffered in perpetual silence. Finally, the suffering ended when I realized my suffering was self-imposed.

And So It Began

* * *

Everything changed during my very first class at Delphi University, a school for psychic development and spiritual growth. Delphi University was founded by Patricia Hayes in 1974, and it is located in the Blue Ridge Mountains in McCaysville, Georgia. Delphi University offers classes in spiritual training, energy healing, intuitive development, transpersonal psychology, and self-enlightenment studies. The teachers and healers at Delphi University create an indescribable experience for the students. Classes at Delphi University are highly concentrated. So when taking a class at Delphi, you stay on the campus twenty-four hours a day. You never actually leave Delphi during classes. Each class usually lasts between five and seven consecutive days. With an abundance of spiritual energy running around at Delphi, it's an extraordinary place to grow, heal, and transform.

I was told about Delphi University when I asked a psychic reader about where to go to learn more about my abilities. The reader suggested a couple of places, and one of them was Delphi. I liked what I saw on the website, so I decided to jump in with both feet, and I signed up for in-depth channeling. Not knowing what to expect didn't seem to bother me. I was open to whatever was going to come.

In the beginning my only intention in going to Delphi was to learn psychic development. Growing, healing, and transforming were not even on my radar screen at the time. It was at Delphi University where I learned the unthinkable. I learned I am worthy of love. Honestly, I never ever knew that I could be loved—believe it or not!

It was an absolute stranger who touched the deepest part of my soul. That's when the miracle took place. An emotional breakthrough of gargantuan proportions touched the innermost core of my being, sparking a light within me to burn ever so bright! The kindness shown to me I will never, ever forget. During the in-depth channeling class, the students gave readings to each other, and the teacher paired up the students. Why was I paired up with this particular student? I don't know. Obviously, the teacher definitely knew what she was doing because if that pairing didn't happen, well, none of the rest would have ever occurred. That student showed me kindness, genuine kindness. "It" happened during the student readings. I was completely caught off guard when that classmate told me that I was beautiful, and a loving person. As the student continued stating more caring and thoughtful personality traits; I began to cry. What I was expecting? I don't know, but I definitely wasn't expecting to get what I got.

It was a seamless flow of events that transformed my entire life without me even being conscious of what was happening at the time it was happening.

Thank you, thank you, thank you God for putting this extraordinary, exceptional angel of a human being in my path.

By the end of the class, I was overcome with sadness at the thought I would have to leave Delphi and go back to the real world. That one class completely changed me in every way possible. I was beginning to feel! My journey had begun. My world was shifting and so was I. I would remain positive, and not let all the idiots of the world stop me.

I have always been told not to listen to what people say to me, about me. However, being thick-skinned is difficult for me. How exactly am I supposed to stop being overly sensitive?

Breaking down the beliefs, limitations, and barriers from my childhood is what I need to concentrate on to become strong. I grew up not having many choices. Basically, I was told what to do and what not to do. When one of my siblings did something he or she wasn't allowed to do, I would get yelled at. I would get in trouble for stuff I didn't even do. It seemed as if my mother enjoyed yelling at me, because she did it so frequently. Looking back now, I don't think she enjoyed much of her life. In less than three years she had three children and was married to an alcoholic husband, whose idea of support was bringing home a paycheck and little else. Most of the time, it was as if she was a single parent—except, of course, for that alcoholic component.

My family life was chaotic all day every day. Growing up I seldom spent time with my father. He was very self-absorbed. His family always came second to him. When you asked him for help, he would say yes, then never show up. I learned not to bother asking for help because it never came.

Consequently, I spent most of my life doing what was expected of me regardless of my feelings or opinions, because that didn't matter. I didn't matter. My opinion was seldom sought out. I was told what to like and dislike. I was not allowed to be me, not allowed to have a free thought of my own. There was no reason to say what I was thinking. Even if I did speak up, no one listened to me. My speaking had the same effect as talking to a brick wall.

I was bullied everywhere I went. I was bullied at school. I was bullied at home. There was no safe haven for me—nowhere to go to feel safe, loved, and protected.

Being so different sidetracked me for a long time as I lived in my world of nowhere.

Today is the first day of my new life. It is time to live. I am willing to do whatever it takes. I have spent years waiting for someone to show up and rescue me from my life of hell. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was treating myself the way my parents treated me. I was simply repeating the patterns I had learned as a child. It's only now that I realize I have the ability to help myself.

Silence Is Worse Than Yelling

* * *

Eventually, I came to assume everyone I came into contact with was going to be cruel to me, bully me, or just plain hate me. I did the only thing I could do to protect myself from all the people around me. I acted as if all the ugliness thrown at me didn't matter. I pretended that it all had no effect on me whatsoever. Since I had no control over other people, I couldn't stop any of the hatred. I had no power. What's a little kid supposed to do when her family is being viciously cruel?

My options were extremely limited. Many adults saw what was going on. Teachers witnessed my being bullied by fellow students and did nothing. How any adult can witness such cruelty on a regular basis and do absolutely nothing is beyond my comprehension.

Therefore, over time I built a strong and exquisitely beautiful fence of protection all around myself, though I wasn't conscious of doing it at the time. At a still very young age, the fence was built, and as the years went by it grew stronger and stronger. Originally, I built it to protect myself from the outside world. I built it for one reason, but it stayed for another. It has become a fence that keeps me locked in, and no one can get to me. I'm trapped inside with no way out, and my fence is no longer protecting me.

It's time to tear down my fence and let people into my world. I need to make new choices, to open my heart to people and new experiences. Obviously, what I've been doing isn't working. I hate my life and everything about it. Maybe—just maybe—I need to start doing things differently if I want a different outcome.

Not everyone I come in contact with is a moron. There are some genuinely kind and loving people in the world. Maybe, just maybe, some of them will find their way to me. Fingers crossed for luck.

Change isn't going to be easy, but my persistence will pay off, of this I am certain. My energy is strong and getting stronger every day as I realize I'm not stuck any more. If I don't like my life, I can change it. I'm aware that possibilities exist, and I no longer have to settle. With each passing day I willfully choose what I want in my life, what's acceptable and what's no longer acceptable.

Forgiveness includes accepting that the past should have been different. I will stop reliving the past as if it happened yesterday. Doing so is toxic to my soul. I beg for the strength to heal; I long to find my place in the world.

Unconditional love is powerful. Last week everything changed when I had a psychic reading by a classmate and learned that I can have anything I want. I cried when I heard those words for the first time. Who knew I would ever hear those sweet words? Not me, that's for sure. I have been waiting a lifetime for love to come my way. It made complete logical sense that I would never hear those words, because when I was growing up, my parents never said, "I love you." Words like those were never said in my house.

One chapter of my life is ending as another is beginning. The door to my past is closing. Never again will I let my past control my future. Finally, I believe I am worthy of all the goodness and happiness the universe has in store for me. No one is going to stop me; I will not let them. The only limits are the ones I put on myself.

What Happened Was Unimaginable—A Prison of My Own Making

* * *

Hell on earth. Who knew that would be my life? Growing up I was picked on, made fun of, and bullied from morning to night: bullied from my classmates and bullied from my family. It seemed as if I was bullied by anyone and everyone possible. Most of the time, I was the scapegoat for the group. There was no sanctuary for me, no place to feel safe and loved. Did anyone care whether I was alive or dead?

Looking back, I still can't believe all the ridiculous things I did simply to survive from one day to another. When walking into a room, I assumed that I was invisible to everyone in the room as I had been to my family growing up. However, I was the only person who thought I was invisible. Everyone else could see me, and unfortunately, they immediately judged me as mean. To this day, I still don't understand how not talking to someone is considered being mean. If we are in a room together, and you don't talk to me and I don't talk to you, why am I the mean one? I didn't do anything—not a single thing. Why am I the mean one?

I was in my forties when I first heard the words abusive childhood. I was searching for answers to as why I was the way I was. I turned to the holistic world for answers. I found a life coach who combines the healing power of energy therapy with life coaching skills. I went to the life coach four or five times. "You really had an abusive childhood," this life coach said out loud to me. No one had ever said that to me before. Here was a total stranger revealing to me that she knew about my childhood, the black hole I was trying to escape. Finally, I had been given validation for my lifelong feelings. How such absolute cruelty can be targeted at a child is beyond my comprehension.

I cannot tell you how many times I wanted just a warm embrace or a simple smile in my direction. Loneliness is debilitating. It is like being in a straitjacket. You can't get out; to do so requires help. I cannot tell you how many times I screamed for help. No one ever came. I learned how to do everything by myself and not depend on anyone. There are only so many times you can ask for help. The other person says yeah, sure, I'll help you. Then days turn into weeks and you realize that you're still waiting for help that never comes. Something else came up, or you were simply forgotten about. Some words often said to me were: "You weren't really waiting for me, were you?" As if I was foolish for actually believing someone would help me. Broken promises time after time taught me to stop asking for help of any kind.

I learned at a very young age of all the cruelty in the world. Living in a dysfunctional family, you tend to grow up fast and to depend on only yourself for survival. I went through a period of total darkness. Children ought to grow in innocence. How sad it is to have learned these things at such an early age. Painful occurrences only grew in strength as time went by. It is going to be extremely grueling to undo years and years of damage, but I feel I'm ready for change.

I need to change my approach to life to move out of my comfort zone, or more appropriately, my acceptable discomfort zone. Even though I don't know what I am going to find, I am willing. I will ask for what I want, and be clear in my intention. I don't need to be attached to the outcome.

Love doesn't hurt! Growing up, all I felt was pain. It's incomprehensible the hurt done to me with such blatant intent and abundance of cruelty thrown in for good measure. My mother would often say, "If you don't have anything kind to say, don't say anything at all." Too bad she didn't follow her own advice when it came to me. Words are powerful. A kind word goes a long way. But words can create both extreme happiness and extreme pain.

Since my in-depth channeling class, I have learned so much about myself, even though I thought I was going there just to learn about psychic stuff. Life is precious. I will treat myself with care and love. I have a deep and profound heart and a loving soul. My body aches to be held even if only for a moment. Why do some people have an abundance of love while others have none?

I have good days; and I have bad days, when I'm confused and don't know which way to turn or what to do next. Life could be so easy if someone would tell me exactly what to do. I just need a simple list of tasks. I could go down the list step by step. Life is confusing and requires a lot of concentration at times. It's hard to know what path I'm supposed to walk on. I need a new direction. The old way just doesn't work for me anymore; it hasn't for a long time. I was doing things out of habit, not because I really wanted to do them. The doing became automatic throughout the years. Patterns repeated day after day and year after year, but I never stopped to ask myself why. It's easy to get into a rut. Unless you stop and think about your life, how can you realize that there might be something better? Maybe this is all my life is ever going to be. Maybe I wasn't meant to be happy. Maybe this is as good as it gets. New life requires new direction. I must be dismissing the signs spirit is giving me. Spirit is our sensitivity, a loving force from within. Spirit is the vehicle for God's love. I need a bigger and more profound sign, a sign I cannot miss. Maybe it will come soon. I'm so tired of being tired. Day after day nothing seems to change.

I've been wondering what compassion, if offered to me, would look like. Having received very little compassion, ideas that seem basic and simplistic to others are completely foreign to me. There is so much in life that is unfamiliar and strange to me. I need to find like-minded people, people who are open and who are not instantly judgmental. But where are they? I have no idea where to look for them.

I wish I knew why my life has to be so hard. Why can't I have an easy life? Daily struggles are getting the best of me. I have to keep going forward. Warm and loving feelings are always around. They might not be easy to notice, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I have to stay positive and stop focusing on the negative. It's easy to say but hard to do. My journey is a life-changing, essential part of my soul.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from My Life in Secret by K. F. Mueller. Copyright © 2013 K. F. Mueller. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

My Intention, 1,
Who I Am, 2,
And So It Began, 3,
Silence Is Worse Than Yelling, 7,
What Happened Was Unimaginable—A Prison of My Own Making, 9,
A Garden of Love, 13,
Just Breathe, 14,
Living?, 15,
What Others Think of You Is None of Your Business!, 17,
A Spiritual Path, 19,
Under Construction—Proceed with Caution, 21,
Pain And Joy, 25,
You Transform You, 29,
It's All Clear?, 32,
Everything Happens For A Reason, 34,
Today Is A Great Day!, 35,
What Do You Mean Dead?, 36,
It's Me?, 37,
Signs, 38,
Rational Thoughts No Longer Intrigue Me, 40,
Why?, 44,
Like A Ninja!, 48,
An Unnecessary Act of Kindness, 50,
Whatever!, 52,
What Did I Learn Today?, 53,
Patience, 55,
What Am I Doing?, 57,
Being Fine, 58,
Feeling Feelings?, 59,
I Don't Get It, 61,
Let Me Be, 62,
Layers of Love, 64,
Wounds, 66,
I Love You and You Love Me; We're As Happy As Two Can Be, 68,
Inner Sanctuary, 69,
My Beautiful, Exquisite, Magnificent Wings, 72,
Moving Like a Freight Train!, 74,
Crying, 76,
Looking Through a Fractured Mirror Makes It Virtually Impossible to See, 77,
As My Heart Opens, Love Spills out into All the Corners of the Room, 79,
Hidden Within?, 80,
Love Myself Enough to Take Care of My Soul, 82,
What I Know for Sure, 83,
Healing, 84,
Delighted and Thrilled to Be Here?, 86,
Whatever It Is, 88,
One Life Touches Many, 89,
A Healer, 91,
A Bridge of Compassion, 93,
You Are Not Alone, 94,
I Am Love?, 96,
Reinventing Normal, 98,
It's Simple—Relax, 101,
Worry, Worry, Worry, 102,
Drama, Drama, Drama, 104,
Warm and Fuzzy, 105,
I Have Walked a Million Miles—A Million More to Go, 107,
All My Little Ones, 108,
I Am All That I Am, 109,
What's Going to Happen?, 111,
It's About Time!, 112,
Been There, Done That, 113,
Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained, 114,
I Am Officially Weird—Yeah for Me!, 115,
From the Heart, 116,
Running Around—Trying to Fit In, 117,
Whatever Happens ... Happens, 118,
Hang On Tight, Baby—This Is Going to Be a Dark Ride, 119,
The Magic Within, 121,
Standing in the Light, 122,
You Are Lost Only When You Forget Who You Are, 123,
Ask and Believe, 125,
I Can Have It All, 126,
Another Day, 128,
Simple Things Aren't Simple, 129,
I Am All I Need to Be, 130,
Spring Has Sprung, 131,
I Laugh Because You Are All the Same, 132,
You Can; You Will; You Are, 133,
What a Concept!, 135,
Tarot, 136,
I Don't Have All the Answers, 138,
Bully, 139,
Assume Not Everyone Is Going to Be Hurtful, 141,
It Was Only a Smile, 142,
Lies, Lies, and More Lies, 143,
What's Inside Always Comes Out, 144,
Follow the Love Energy, Not the Fear, 146,
No One Said You Had to Like Me, 148,
It's Never Too Late, 149,
The Power of Spirit!, 150,
Prisms of Joy!, 151,
Sludge, 152,
I Am Going to Be Somebody, 153,
Acknowledgments, 155,