My questions to you are, Is it better to know the truth about something or is it better to have never known the truth? Once you learn the truth, what different choices would you make, or would you change anything about the situation? If you do not make any different choices, were you better off not knowing the truth in the first place?
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My Smile Was My Cover - Up
By Albertina Leonard
AuthorHouseCopyright © 2015 Albertina Leonard
All rights reserved.
Our First Meeting
As I sit here on my bed crying and writing in my journal, I am reflecting about how I met the man of my dreams fifthteen years ago. At least that's what I wanted to believe. Oh, by the way, my name is Angie and this is my story. As I ponder back on the last fifthteen years of my life, I wonder if I made the right decisions in life not to mention I will be turning 45 next month, I'm not getting any younger. I have been in three verbal, mental and physical abusive relationships. I thought I would never find Mr. Right, since it appeared that I always found Mr. Not Right Now a few times. I was at a point in my life where I was ready to meet someone and give Love a chance again. After being betrayed by so many of my so called good friends/sister's/BFF's, there was one friend named Tina, we have known each other since we were thirteen years old. I considered her to be my sister, she has never betrayed me, we had our disagreements but they were so small it only made our friendship stronger. We would apologize to each other at the same time most of the time. I really didn't associate with a lot of females. I would rather be alone than to be around people who didn't have my best interest at heart. My daily routine consisted of me going to work, and making sure my clients were alright with my consulting business. There were days where I would go shopping after work and buy myself some nice shoes and an outfit or two. I always looked as if I was walking out of a magazine, you could never catch me without my hair or nails done. My face was always BEAT ... I had my own house, the two vehicles I wanted, my E500 black on black Mercedes and my white Range Rover with tan leather interior with my initials engraved on my headrest. I'm very intelligent, and independent, I couldn't understand why the men I seem to meet were Creeps, I didn't need their money all I wanted was their love. It seem like they couldn't give me that and love is free. Oh well it was there loss, I did know I had it going on. I had everything I wanted and needed except for a companion, and that was lonely at times. I was invited to a 4th of July cookout by my best friend Tina, which could not have come at a better time. I knew her husband had some single friends and was hoping at least one of them would be there, (smiling.) When I arrived at Tina's house, one of her husband's co-workers was there, and he was a very attractive guy and single. I will admit I was still bitter from my previous relationship, where my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with one of my so called "good girlfriends", after catching him cheating I told him it was over. He proceeded to beat me up badly, and put a gun to my head. He told me that he would rather see me dead than to see me with someone else. Remind you he cheated on me, he was later arrested and I haven't seen him since that incident, nevertheless I was open to dating again. I was enjoying myself at the cook-out, eating all the hotdogs and hamburgers I could eat (laughing), while watching the fireworks. Meanwhile Tina came over and introduced me to her husband's co-worker Robert. We both said "hi", at the same time, with goofy looks on our face, he was so fine (smiling). We began to talk and came to the realization that we had so many things in common. Robert seemed to be a really nice guy, not to overlook he was light-skin, (just like I like them), handsome, tall and slim with light brown eyes, well dressed and smelled good. We watch the fireworks together as it got dark, it was a very nice evening. Before we left the cookout we exchanged numbers, and as soon as I got home Robert called me to see if I made it home safely and we stayed on the phone talking relationships, church, marriage, sex, family, what I wanted in a man, you name it we talked about it until 2:00 a.m. in the morning. I was very up front with him, I told him that I was looking for a relationship, and I explained to him how I was hurt in my previous relationship. I felt so comfortable talking to him, that it didn't even cross my mind that he could possibly get scared away by my directness. He assured me that he would never hurt me if I was his woman. I said to myself (now how many times have I heard that)? Robert would call me every day after we met at the cookout, which I thought was a sign that he was interested in me. He finally asked me out on a date after a week, I told Robert I would meet him at the restaurant. It was actually one of the best dates I've been on in a long time, as we sat across from each other, we couldn't stop smiling or blushing. He kept telling me how pretty I was, and of course I believed him, (smiling.) I wore my black dress with the leather on my left sleeve, it showed off my size nine coke bottle shape well. I had on my red pumps, I just did my hair over (laughing), my makeup was flawless, and I put my nude lip gloss on that made my lips look even fuller. He was dressed real nice too, he had on some black tailored pants and a black and red collared shirt. I love a man in casual attire and not jeans and tennis shoes all the time. We were colored coordinated, what a coincidence, I thought to myself. He was very good-looking especially with the light above our table shining on his eyes. I tried not to stare right in his big brown eyes, so I kept blinking as if something was in my eyes. We talked so much that our food got cold. Not to mention we stayed at the restaurant until they closed. Neither one of us wanted to leave each other, when he walked me to my car, he asked me if he could sit in my car and continue talking to me? Of course I said yes. Robert got in on the passenger side and we talked some more. We both were getting sleepy, and would doze off on each other while the other one was talking. It was so adorable, when I looked up the sun was coming up, it was a beautiful site. At that point we both knew the date was over, Robert gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek and got into his car and drove off. I think I fell in love with him after our first date, I knew he would be my husband one day. I truly believe the slogan, "when you know, you just know".CHAPTER 2
As Robert and I continued to talk on the phone and go out on dates, we became very close friends. I would constantly remind him that we were just friends even after the first year of dating. I had a big brick wall up, I guess I've been hurt so much. I really did not want to get hurt by another man, no time soon. I felt like if I could just remain his friend, then my feelings wouldn't get involved and I would be ok. That was very hard to do because Robert was a very nice and attractive guy. He opened doors, he pulled my chair out for me, he cooked for me, and he brought me nice gifts. What more could a girl ask for? The great thing I loved about him was the fact that he Feared God. He was faithful in church and he tried his best to live according to the bible. He didn't frequent the clubs, he didn't drink and he didn't use profanity. Those were qualities I wanted in a man, I use to go to clubs and I'm sure things haven't changed that much. I knew that if I dated a man that went to clubs there would always be someone there to catch his eye, or vice versa. To me that would be an easy outlet for a man to cheat, In my previous relationships, I was use to getting cursed out if I got into an argument with a man. I thought it was supposed to be like that, because that's what I was use to. Although I grew up in a Pentecostal church and knew right from wrong, I stopped going to church after my previous abusive relationship. I felt as if there was no one there to help me; not even God.
I almost lost my faith. I didn't know how a real man was suppose to treat me, so I accepted anything from men. Robert, showed me that a man who really cares about and respect you, will show you that. As much as I tried not to fall in love with Robert, I did. I thought it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Robert had a great personality, and he would laugh at all of my jokes, he had a quiet disposition, but he would keep me laughing all the time, we had so much fun together. He would call me every day, while I was at work, he listened to me as I complained about my job, and how I felt like I wasn't appreciated. He would always tell me that he appreciated me, and would always be there for me no matter what. Robert introduced me to his family and they loved me and the feeling was mutual. They were very nice people, I started going to all their family gatherings, it felt good to be a part of his family. When I introduced Robert to my four sisters, all they could talk about was, how nice looking he was, (smiling.) Things were going great for us, he asked me to come to his church with him one Sunday. I went and really enjoyed myself, so I began going to church with Robert every Sunday. We would even go to bible study together, we did everything together, it was like we were already married. We just didn't live together and I didn't have a Ring On It. Our families and friends started to ask us when were we getting married? They asked us so much, I started questioning it too, (smiling.) Robert was the type of man who would buy me a pair of shoes, just because it was Wednesday and he was thinking about me. I didn't have to wait until Valentine's Day or my birthday to feel special, he always made me feel Special and I loved that about him. There were days he would come over to my house with at least two pair of heels (at least 4 inches), two nice purses, and a couple of outfits. He knew everything I liked, and was very observant to my style. Oh did I mention Robert was a great cook, he would cook for me all the time. Now what woman doesn't love a man who cooks for her? Sometimes I felt like I was on the TV show Punk'D. I know I wasn't suppose to think negative but he was everything I wanted in a man. He never pressured me about having sex with him, he was always a perfect gentleman. He loved shoes, whether they were tennis shoes or casual shoes. I would buy him shoes and spoil him just as much as he spoiled me. I was told growing up never buy a man a pair of shoes, because he would walk out of your life with those same shoes on. As I got older I realized that a man would leave you if you told them you were pregnant, if you wanted a relationship with them, or because they were done with you. In my opinion shoes had nothing to do with a man walking out of a woman's life.CHAPTER 3
Even though we had our minor disagreements, we both knew that we loved each other very much and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. One Saturday evening Robert called me and told me to be ready at 7:00p.m. because he was taking me out to eat. That was very surprising to me, because he liked to cook for me, so we didn't go out to eat much. At 7:00p.m. sharp there was a knock at my door, when I opened the door, there stood a man dressed in all black. He pointed towards a black Mercedes limousine and there was Robert with two dozen of roses in his hand. I walked to the car with tears in my eyes, I was so happy. Robert opened the car door for me it was so romantic, I asked him where were we going to eat, and he said it was a surprise. I was so happy that he wanted to surprise me, I didn't ask any more questions, on the way to the restaurant. Robert began to ask me questions like, if he got sick would I take care of him? He asked me if I really loved him? He told me how I make him feel as a man. I had no idea why Robert was asking me all those questions. I asked Robert was he sick? He started laughing, and told me that he was not sick, he just loved me so much and wanted to do something special for me. When we arrived at the restaurant, he got really nervous for some reason. I could see the sweat on his forehead, I thought he was going to break up with me at the restaurant, that way I couldn't get loud because we were in public. The waiter took us to another section, it was a lot of tables and chairs in there. It was just Robert and I in there, which I thought was weird but I didn't question it. There were candles all over the room it was very romantic. After the waiter took our food order, Robert told me that he loved me very much and didn't want to live without me. I told him that I loved him too. Robert asked me to stand up and give him a hug, as I extended my arms to hug him he got down on one knee and asked me would I give him the honor and pleasure of being his wife? Then he said Angie I love you with all my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy, will you marry me? I said Yes! Yes! I will marry you! Then I started crying, and as I looked up, I started to recognize some of our friends and family members. I was so surprised, happy, and emotional! Everyone started hugging and congratulating us, it was one of the happiest days of my life. I could not even eat my food when they brought it to the table. Oh I forgot to mention the ring was a huge four carat yellow and white princess cut diamond, (smiling.) Which made the engagement even better....
It was like a fairytale, I fell in love with a wonderful man, whom loved me and showed me that he loved me. Not only that, he wanted me to be his wife. He never hit me, cursed me out or mentally abused me. I was so happy and finally knew what I wanted in a man. On top of that, I trusted him. For me to trust someone, was a big deal. That is something that I didn't do at all, (give my trust away). I couldn't believe Robert rented out one side of a restaurant to make our night special. We celebrated all night at the restaurant, I couldn't stop crying it was a very emotional night for me. I was thinking to myself, after all of the abusive relationships I've been in, God finally sent me Mr. Right. Robert told me that I was a good woman, and he knew that marrying me would mold him into becoming a better man and husband for me. He also told me that I deserved all the happiness in the world. Then we hugged and cried together, there is nothing like seeing a man cry and show his true feelings. That was another reason for me to love him. I was ready to get married that night. If he would have asked me to fly to Las Vegas to get married that night, I would have.CHAPTER 4
The Wedding Planning
Now it was time for us to plan our wedding, which was very exciting and stressful at the same time. Robert was not the type of guy that you would tell to just show up. He was very hands on in our wedding planning. I loved him so much, that he even went dress shopping with me. We were just that close. We paid for our wedding with our own money. We both got part-time jobs to make sure we were able to pay everything off by the time the wedding date came. We didn't want to incur any extra debt. We were also house hunting at the same, not to mention I had to sell my townhouse. Therefore, you can imagine the amount of stress we were under. Then we started having other issues that brought more stress into our relationship. Then one of his ex-girlfriends started coming to church to cause confusion between us. She admitted to me that she still had feelings for Robert and told me he shouldn't marry me, because he was still calling her. At first I was ready to give up on our engagement, I broke it off several times because of our disagreements. I told Robert he needed to work on his old relationship with his ex-girlfriend and any other female that was causing problems in our relationship. I didn't feel like that was my responsibility to deal with any women he use to date, unless I had to. I grew up in a rough neighborhood in Washington, District of Columbia area, and my first reaction was to beat somebody down. Then I started to think, why would I fight any female over Robert, not knowing if what she was saying was true. I should be mad with Robert not her, I know many females who would get mad at the other woman and let their man off the hook. Not me, I have been hurt so many times by men that I didn't know what to believe. I really didn't want to look like a fool, therefore I told Robert to deal with the situation, he assured me that none of it was true and he was only interested in me. Robert called his ex-girlfriend and asked her why was she causing confusion between us, her response was "because I could" she also told Robert that she was not interested in him and she was only trying to break us up because he didn't ask her to marry him when they were together. Robert told her to never contact him again and that he loved me, and he was not going to let her cause him to lose me. Robert also told her that I was on the phone and I heard everything. She called Robert a liar, and asked him when could they hook up? I immediately let her know that I did hear everything she just said. I asked her why would she try to pursue a man that doesn't want her? She yelled in the phone and told both of us that we were crazy, said goodbye! and hung up the phone on us. We haven't heard from or seen her since. The engagement was back on again! As I sit here and think about that situation. It is very unfortunate that women could be so thirsty, to try to come between our relationship, when they knew Robert and I were engaged. We loved each other so much, that we made a vow to never let anyone come between our relationship no matter what. When we made that vow, neither one of us thought that we would come between our relationship. From that point on we would always talk about any and everything so we could keep our relationship stronger. We were engaged for a year and did not have sexual relations. In the midst of us planning our wedding we talked about us having kids, I told Robert that I didn't want any kids, he asked me if I would have one child for him? I told him I would have a child for him, Robert said he wanted a child to carry on his legacy and I was fine with that. Everything was falling in line together. We found a house, and put a contract on it. Our plan was to go to settlement before the wedding date, and after the wedding we would have our own house to live in. We were able to go to settlement, two weeks before our wedding. What a blessing that was. We were able to paint, and fix the house up somewhat before the wedding. I was also able to sell my townhouse before the wedding, I made about $70,000.00. We were able to get everything we wanted for our wedding day.
Excerpted from My Smile Was My Cover - Up by Albertina Leonard. Copyright © 2015 Albertina Leonard. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
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Table of Contents
ContentsChapter 1 Our First Meeting, 1,
Chapter 2 The Courtship, 6,
Chapter 3 The Engagement, 10,
Chapter 4 The Wedding Planning, 13,
Chapter 5 The New Beginning, 17,
Chapter 6 The Baby is Born, 20,
Chapter 7 The Arguments, 22,
Chapter 8 The Change, 25,
Chapter 9 The Questions Arise, 27,
Chapter 10 The Pain & Shame, 29,
Chapter 11 The Divorce, 32,