Naked Republicans: A Full-frontal Exposure of Right-wing Hypocrisy and Greed
240
Naked Republicans: A Full-frontal Exposure of Right-wing Hypocrisy and Greed
240eBook
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Overview
——Rachel Maddow, Air America Radio
Naked Republicans is the exposé you’ve been waiting for. From Cheney to Condi, from DeLay to the Dukester, from Newt to Rummy, these are the weasels, wackos, and wingnuts who turned the party of Lincoln into a five-kegger blowout.
For the first time, in one hilarious roundup, Shelley Lewis reveals the naked truth about the fiscal conservatives who spend money like they print it themselves (oh, right–they do); the pious pols who regard the institution of marriage so highly they’ve moved on to their second and third wives; and the deceitful dissemblers who’ve earned a place in the Hall of Shame. In these troubled times, when you don’t know whether to laugh or cry, Naked Republians puts the hip back in hypocrisy and restores the fun to fundamentalism!
“If you crave a hilarious exposé of the weasels who need to be sent home from Washington, you need to buy this book!”
——Katrina vanden Heuvel, editor and publisher, The Nation BACK
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781588365729 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Random House Publishing Group |
| Publication date: | 09/19/2006 |
| Sold by: | Random House |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 240 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
INTRODUCTION
APOCALYPSE NOW, DAMN IT
So much has been accomplished in the six years since George W. Bush (the Decider) ran for president promising to restore honesty and integrity to the Oval Office. He phonied up a reason to attack Iraq and dragged us into a war he can’t get us out of; his top adviser, Karl Rove, became the target of a grand jury investigation; the vice president’s chief of staff, Scooter Libby, was indicted for lying, and Bush turned out to be the guy who authorized Libby to leak; his chief of procurement was arrested on corruption charges; and his former top domestic policy adviser was arrested and accused of ripping off Target and Hecht’s department stores. Oh, and Cheney shot a guy in the face.
At the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue, things are no better. The Senate majority leader is under investigation for possible insider trading involving family stock; Tom DeLay got indicted, got demoted, and then got out; a powerful congressman was sent to jail for accepting (no, make that demanding) bribes; and a corruption scandal is spreading like toxic ooze through the Republican House membership. No wonder they pray so much.
Look, we’ve waited six long years for the Rapture to come and take all the Republicans up to heaven where they can’t hurt us anymore. (Well, maybe not all the Republicans—we’re pretty sure the Bush twins aren’t going.) But every day we check the skies to see whether Tom DeLay, Rick Santorum, Sam Brownback, and the rest of them are floating away, leaving only their pajamas behind in a crumpled heap on the floor. And so far, bupkus. No Apocalypse. No Rapture. The closest we’ve come is kooky Pat Robertson warning that God is going to smite a town that voted out a creationist school board, and then make it rain on Gay Day at Disney World.
It’s so frustrating: They want to go and we want to be left behind. It would be so perfect. We’ll take our chances with the Beast as he walks among us, creating hell on earth for the nonbelievers. (We’ve survived Cheney, after all. Hey, wait a minute…) Anyway, the Rapture just isn’t happening, and we can’t wait any longer. Work with us, people. What Would Jesus Do?
We’re confident in saying he would vote to throw out the whole pack of crooks, unless he had to vote on a Diebold machine, and then he’d end up voting for the Republicans. But at least he’d try.
How did it come to this? We hate to point fingers, but some of you voted for the guy you thought you’d rather have a beer with, not realizing his corporate frat brothers would drop a roofie in your glass. When you came to, the environment had been raped, your wallet was empty, and gas cost four dollars a gallon.
If you picked up Naked Republicans expecting to see hot man-on-dog Santorum sex, or young, muscular self-flagellating Opus Dei priests, we’re afraid you’re going to be disappointed. The best we can offer is Denny Hastert cavorting with beautiful sweatshop workers on a Mariana Islands beach. (Kidding! That so didn’t happen—and if it did, we’d spare you the picture.) No hot sex here, unless you get turned on by corruption, in which case you’re probably a lobbyist. And if so, why are you reading this when you could be bribing some Republican congressman?
We’re going to give you the who, what, why, and where of weaseldom. And believe us, it’s only a sample of what’s out there. We think of this book as a public service, a voter’s guide to the corrupt, the liars, the hypocrites, and the dim. Please, this time, make them go away. Without further DeLay.
1
WITH GOD ON OUR SIDE
(and You Know Which God We’re Talking About)
RICK SANTORUM
Senator from Pennsylvania, 1995–present
R-Vatican
b. May 10, 1958, Winchester, Virginia
CAREER HIGHLIGHT: Blames liberals for priest sex scandals
CAREER LOWLIGHT: Compares abortion to slavery, homosexual acts to bestiality
NICKNAME: Man on Dog
ADMITS TO: Never having read the Bible all the way through
DENIES: Well-documented connection to K Street Project
THEME SONG: “How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?”
It’s amazing that so many kids turn out to be fairly normal, considering the weird socialization they get in public schools.
—RICK SANTORUM, It Takes a Family
It often seems that the junior senator from Pennsylvania should be on career-suicide watch. Nearly everything he’s said or done in recent years, including writing a book, appears to be a desperate attempt to destroy himself.
When Rick Santorum began his national career in 1991 as a moralistic, way-holier-than-thou member of the House of Representatives, he probably had no idea that his name would become the punchline of a thousand kinky jokes. He was part of a group of conservative freshmen called the Gang of Seven who turned their righteous indignation on the Democratic House leadership. Like a pack of rabid accountants, they were fixated on the shoddy bookkeeping practices in the House. By today’s standards, it seems petty—representatives were allowed to overdraw their accounts in the House bank, and some of them (quelle surprise!) took advantage of the system to bounce checks right and left. As far as we know, no civilian homes were bombed, and nobody was killed or maimed.
Riding that victory, Rick made it to the Senate, where at first he was simply a reliable tool of the lunatic fringe. But then he began to draw attention to himself with clumsy attempts to impose his moral worldview on the reality-based community. In 2001, he tried to force the teaching of “intelligent design” (also known as “magic”) through an amendment to the No Child Left Behind Act. It failed, but he continued to support efforts to teach creationism while tub-thumping against gay marriage, abortion rights, SpongeBob SquarePants, and the rest of the evil liberal agenda.
Still, most casual observers of the theocracy-in-waiting thought of Rick as just another pinhead—until he gave his infamous interview to the Associated Press and achieved cult status as the cartoonlike mascot of the Christian Taliban. Here’s the big moment:
SANTORUM: In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality—
AP: I’m sorry, I didn’t think I was going to talk about “man on dog” with a United States senator, it’s sort of freaking me out.
And that’s when the downward slide began. The butt (pun intended) of a thousand man-on-dog jokes, Rick saw nothing funny about it. Love the homosexual, hate the homosex, that was his motto. From there, it was an easy trip to authoring a book that blamed working mothers for most of the nation’s problems. And who brainwashed them into abandoning their families?
The radical feminists succeeded in undermining the traditional family and convincing women that professional accomplishments are the key to happiness.
Another key to happiness would be having a job to earn enough money to provide food and shelter, but maybe that’s just us. As for the earlier quote expressing his surprise that kids in public school can turn out to be normal, well, we’re guessing he was speaking as a guy who’d been wedgied and stuffed into a lot of lockers in his public-school days.
And there was more. Rick blamed the Catholic pedophile priest scandal on liberals in Boston. Soon he made matters worse by flip-flopping on intelligent design.
When last we left Rick, he was urging voters to put Santorum bumper stickers on their cars to show their support for the troops. We know he’s thinking about running for president, and we can only pray that he does. The nation needs to laugh more.