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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781575677125 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Moody Publishers |
| Publication date: | 06/14/2010 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 176 |
| File size: | 4 MB |
About the Author
JOY DOWNS is a 1979 graduate of Indiana University in Journalism. After graduation, she joined the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ where she served as a radio writer and producer and helped direct the Communication Center, a communication training facility of Campus Crusade. Joy and her husband, Tim, have spoken at FamilyLife Marriage and Parenting Conferences. Together they have co-authored two books entitled The Seven Conflicts: Resolving the Most Common Disagreements in Marriage and Fight Fair!: Winning at Conflict without Losing at Love. Joy lives in Cary, North Carolina, with her husband and three children.
Read an Excerpt
One of us Must be Crazy ... and I'm Pretty Sure It's You
Making Sense of the Differences That Divide Us
By Tim Downs, Joy Downs, Cheryl Dunlop, Pam Pugh
Moody Publishing
Copyright © 2010 Tim and Joy DownsAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-57567-712-5
CHAPTER 1
SECURITY: PROTECTION AND PROVISION
Tim: Our son Tommy learned to ride a bicycle without training wheels at the glorious age of three. I couldn't have been prouder.
Joy: I was proud of him, too, but three was a little early. I wanted him to be safe.
Tim: To see my son racing off down the sidewalk at only three was a real thrill for me. It was a part of my dream—kids who were free to go where they want, when they want. As I said in the last chapter, I grew up with a lot of freedom myself.
Joy: Sure, Tim had a lot of freedom, but what he's not telling you is that he's only alive today because of the sheer grace of God. Did he mention that he once set his pants on fire by mounting model rockets to his handlebars?
Tim: Batman's bike had those. It was very cool.
Joy: I imagine all the moms grabbing their children when Tim went riding by, scrambling into the house, and bolting all the doors. He had more visits to the emergency room in his first six years of life than Jackie Chan.
Tim: It was mostly for head injuries. Believe me, Joy's gotten a lot of mileage out of that.
Joy: Tim once burned down two of his father's prize evergreens in their front yard. He once shot a hole in his father's shoulder with a bottle rocket gone astray.
Tim: Now that you mention it, Dad did seem to be angry a lot.
Joy: I could write pages. When I grew up, I had a mother who always knew where I was going and who I'd be playing with. Is it any wonder that with Tim's history of freedom and independence, I would value security more than he does? I didn't go through twenty-one hours of labor with Tommy just to have him perish in his first adventure with his dad.
The Two Sides of Security
In your own marriage, one of you will instinctively place a higher value on Security. Security is the need to be safe, the desire to know that you and yours are first of all protected from harm. Several responses from our survey revealed a desire for Security ...
• I like to spend, and she likes to save.
• When we have a major purchase, he wants to buy new and the most expensive quality. I would prefer to spend less but still get the job done.
• I want to feel secure—in his love, in my home, in our marriage, with him versus his family, financially—and I would like him to lead us spiritually (I long for this).
• Why does he feel the need to spend the extra money we have instead of saving it?
• I always wait until he's in bed and then I double-check the door, because sometimes he forgets to lock it.
• Why am I always the one who tucks the kids in at night?
• Why does he have to save everything? Why can't he throw anything away?
Dangers come in many forms—physical and emotional, real and imagined—and so the dream of Security is a tree that puts out many branches. There are two chief offshoots from this tree: the desire for Protection and the desire for Provision.
Protection: Safety First
Protection in its most basic form is the instinct for survival, but it covers a lot more. Protection also includes the longing for safety, stability, and even comfort. Commercials that air at Christmastime show families snuggled together around the fireplace, images of warmth and love and Security. A protected family is one that has everything it needs to be safe, warm, dry, and happy.
Provision: Preparing for Future Needs
Provision is the desire to make sure everyone has enough, a desire that makes it necessary to both collect and save. Provision is concerned not only about the present but the future. Sure, we have enough now—but what about tomorrow? "Look at an ant," Proverbs advises us. "Watch it closely; let it teach you a thing or two. Nobody has to tell it what to do. All summer it stores up food; at harvest it stockpiles provisions" (6:6–8 THE MESSAGE). If you value Security, this may be your life verse.
Because Security looks to the future, it would rather save than spend. "Do we have to spend that much? It would be nice—but if we spend it today, we won't have it tomorrow."
Because Security wants to provide, it would rather collect than throw away. "I know we no longer need this, but what if we get rid of it and then we need it again? If we save it, we have it, and it'll be there just in case."
Because Security wants to protect, it has an aversion to risk. "Why do you want to try that? There are a lot safer things we can do that are just as fun." It isn't that the one who dreams of Security doesn't want to have fun—it's just that she's valuing something more. A dream isn't simply a matter of preference; a dream is a nonnegotiable, an essential priority. She's willing to take risks, to seek adventure, and to seize the day—as long as everyone is safe. Security comes first.
By the way, in case you're getting the wrong idea here, the dream of Security isn't gender specific. We don't mean to suggest that men are always the risk takers while women are always seeking to Protect and Provide. Our dreams are influenced by our family of origin, our built-in temperament, and the culture around us. Men who were born in the Great Depression era are often far more security oriented than men and women of later generations—and today's difficult economy can produce the same effect. If your childhood home was unstable, you may have an increased desire for Security as an adult. If your childhood home was especially warm and secure, you may long to reproduce that environment in your own home. It's difficult, if not impossible, to ascribe our deepest longings to a single cause. The point here is that either one of you may have the dream of Security.
But there is one variable that tends to tip the scale of Security toward women—the arrival of children. As Joy said earlier, "I didn't go through twenty-one hours of labor with Tommy just to have him perish in his first adventure with his dad." Women have a greater original investment in children, and they often sense that the greater burden of the children's Security continues to be theirs. Marriage is where life gets serious—but parenting is where life gets critical. Children are like a lens that focuses and magnifies the fears and longings of parents. We value our own Security, but we can get frantic about our children's safety. We may have only a minor desire for Security as a single person or as a young married, but when children come along, we sometimes find that our minor desire has blossomed into a full-blown passion.
Differing Priorities
Security comes at a price. It often requires you to limit your freedom in some way—and that's how the argument begins. If Protection and Provision are not your natural priorities, then your Security-minded partner can seem like a killjoy. Why can't he lighten up? Why can't he stop worrying about everything? You have to take some risks, or what's the point of being alive?
But if Security is your priority, then your risk-taking partner seems just plain irresponsible. After all, it's safety we're talking about here, and surely that comes before everything else. Fun is good, risk is good, but let's not get carried away. We are responsible here. Let's not enjoy today at tomorrow's expense.
When you discuss these issues in your own marriage—and you undoubtedly do—you may have never realized that it's Security you've been discussing all along. That's because Security is a hidden issue, remember? We fail to recognize the Security issue as such because it comes to us in the form of a dozen smaller, seemingly unrelated arguments. They don't look like conflicts about Security—they look like arguments about money and irresponsibility and overprotecting the kids. The goal is to look behind the apparent disagreement and ask, "What are we really fighting about here?"
Let's observe a few disagreements from the marriages of couples we've interviewed and see if you can spot the root of Security underneath.
He: Isn't this a great vacation?
She: Yeah. Great.
He: How did you like the parasailing? Wasn't that incredible?
She: Uh-huh. How much did that cost, anyway?
He: Only forty bucks. She: Each?
He: It was worth it. Where do you want to go for dinner tonight?
She: I was thinking maybe I could cook tonight. There's a little kitchenette in the room ...
He: What's your problem, anyway?
She: What problem?
He: I went all out to plan this vacation—first-class airfare, beachfront hotel room, four-star restaurants—and all you do is drag your feet.
She: Does everything have to be so ... expensive?
He: There you go again! You never want to have fun anymore.
The husband in the scenario above thinks they're disagreeing about their approaches to fun. He fears that his wife no longer wants to be his recreational partner, something that's very important to him. She's no fun anymore ... Maybe she's getting older. Maybe she's just getting dull!
Before long all she'll want to do is lie around the house and watch TV.
He might also conclude that they're fighting about money. All she wants to do is hoard money! What's the point in saving money if you never get a chance to spend any of it? We're not going to be young forever. By the time she's ready to spend some money, we'll be too old to enjoy it.
But they aren't disagreeing about having fun, and they're not disagreeing about money. Those are just the apparent conflicts. Underneath it all, they're arguing about Security. She needs to know that this no-limits vacation won't put them in debt for the rest of their lives. She wants to enjoy the present, too, but not at the expense of the future—not at the expense of Security.
He: Look what I found in the trash can. Our toaster!
She: It's our old toaster.
He: You weren't going to throw it away, were you?
She: Of course. We just bought a brand-new one.
He: But it still works. Look, I'll plug it in ... See?
She: Why would we save the old toaster when we have a brand-new one? We don't need two toasters.
He: What if the new one breaks? It's good to have a backup.
She: Greg, our attic is filled with "backups."
He: Why would you throw away a perfectly good toaster?
She: If it was "perfectly good," why in the world did we buy a new one?
He: I just don't like to waste things. I guess my family didn't have money to burn like yours did.
The husband's desire to save a worn-out toaster even after they've bought a new one seems downright irrational to his wife—and he has a hard time explaining it himself. He tries to offer a logical rationale—the need for a backup, the moral responsibility not to be wasteful—but deep inside, all he knows for sure is that it feels wrong. He doesn't want a toaster; he wants Security. If one toaster breaks, now they have another. They're Protected. Now they can Provide, even if it's only half-browned toast.
But the argument is about to get ugly. In his desperation to provide a rational explanation for his desire, he suggests that it's really all his wife's problem. His wife is wasteful, and, worse than that, she picked up the bad habit from her family. "The best defense is a good offense," the old saying goes, and this man has put it into practice. But he has forgotten another ancient piece of wisdom: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1).
This couple couldn't see the forest for the trees, and now they may spend the rest of the evening arguing about anything but Security.
She: Alex forgot his umbrella again.
He: You 're kidding. Again?
She: Now I'm going to have to drop it off at his school.
He: Why?
She: Because it's supposed to rain this afternoon, that's why. I don't want him to get soaked to the bone on the way home.
He: Anne, we live a hundred yards from the bus stop.
She: It's far enough to get drenched. I don't want him to catch a cold.
He: Stop coddling him. Let him catch a cold; it's the only way he's going to learn to take his umbrella.
She: And when he catches a cold, who's going to take care of him all day?
Not you, that's for sure. I swear, I don't think you'd put him out if he was on fire.
Conflicts over Security can be difficult because, to both partners, the issue seems so obvious. To her, the argument boils down to: I care about the kids' welfare and you don't. For him, the bottom line is: If you don't stop babying the kids, they'll never grow up. Both have good goals in mind—good dreams—but they're approaching the situation from opposite sides. They see the flaws in their partner's position, but they're completely unaware of their own blind spots. Why doesn't he care about Alex? Why won't she stop smothering him?
To make matters worse, the husband just used a loaded word. "Stop coddling him," he said. The word means "to treat indulgently; to baby." His wife doesn't need a dictionary to know what it means—and she knows exactly what he's intending by it. In response, she suggests that his attitude is not only callous but selfish, since she is the one who will have to take care of the sick child. It's easy to be the risk taker when you're not the one who has to pay the price for it.
This couple began by talking about a forgotten umbrella, but in less than one minute they arrived at the root of the conflict, the issue of Security. The argument is a familiar one, but they've never been able to give it a name. They disagree, but they're not really sure what they're disagreeing about.
She: Here's one more bag. We need to put this in too.
He: Jane, we're only going away for three days. You've packed enough stuff to last us a month!
She: We've still got some room. You can squeeze it in over there.
He: That's not the point. (Pokes at the bag) What is all this stuff?
She: (Crossly) Things we need.
He: We can't possibly need all this. Just once I wish we would set a one-bag limit. One bag for each of us, and that's it.
She: And what would you do when you got there and you forgot something?
He: I'd just do without it. Or I'd go to the store and buy it.
She: You'd go to the store and buy things we already own. Now that makes sense. Stop making such a fuss over a few suitcases.
He: That's easy for you to say; you don't have to fit it all in the trunk.
Every time they prepare for a trip, they end up in an argument. She over packs—at least he thinks so. Each time a vacation approaches, he tells himself that this time he's just going to bite his lip and hold his tongue—but there always seems to be "one more bag" that sends him over the edge and sets the argument in motion.
He wants his wife to explain the need for "all this stuff." She is not about to have to justify every item she's packed. She wants to make sure that wherever they go and whatever circumstances arise, they will have everything they need. At this point, he would just as soon go naked and hungry—at least until he needs something she brought, and then he's glad she packed it.
He would have a hard time explaining why this situation bothers him so much. He dreams of a vacation where he doesn't have to bother with all this. His wife reminds him that if he doesn't bother with it, he won't have it. "That's okay with me," her husband would say. "Maybe it's okay now," she would respond, "but wait until you don't have it."
When it comes time for vacation, he just wants to go. She wants to go too—she just wants Security to go with them.
Do you recognize yourself or your mate in any of the scenarios above? They typify four areas where the dream of Security commonly surfaces. We could discuss many more, but now it's time to see how you relate to the issue of Security. Consider the following questions, and decide whether each one is truer of you or your mate ...
Finding the Root
On a scale from one to ten, how important is Security to you? Place an X where you think you belong. Now put an O where you think your mate belongs.
Are there recurring arguments in your marriage that you think might be driven by the desire for Security? What are they about?
Do you think there is something from your past that makes your desire for Security especially important to you? Have you ever discussed this with your mate?
Do you think there is something happening in your life right now that could be heightening your desire for Security?
Dreaming Together: Security
The desire for Protection and Provision is an excellent dream—but when it goes too far, the dream has a dark side too.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from One of us Must be Crazy ... and I'm Pretty Sure It's You by Tim Downs, Joy Downs, Cheryl Dunlop, Pam Pugh. Copyright © 2010 Tim and Joy Downs. Excerpted by permission of Moody Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgments
Part One: Different People, Different Dreams
Introductions
For Husbands Who Didn’t Plan on Reading This Book
For Wives Who Didn’t Plan on Reading This Book
1. The Four Stages of Marital Conflict
2. I Have a Dream
Quick Take
Part Two: The Seven Conflicts of Marriage
3. Security: Protection and Provision
4. Loyalty: Faithfulness and Priority
5. Responsibility: Obligation and Expectation
6. Caring: Awareness and Initiative
7. Order: Structure and Control
8. Openness: Sociability and Energy
9. Connection: Communication and Decision Making
Quick Take
Part Three: Resolving the Seven Conflicts
10. What Are We Fighting For?
Quick Take
11. Taking the First Steps
12. Taking the Next Steps
Quick Take
13. Moving Toward the Fence
Quick Take
14. Speaking the Truth in Love
Quick Take
15. Revisiting the Seven Conflicts…
Security, Loyalty ,and Responsibility
16. Revisiting the Seven Conflicts…
Caring, Order, Openness, and Connection
17. Marriage to a Difficult Man-or Woman
Notes
Biography