Passing Judgment: Praise and Blame in Everyday Life

by Terri Apter

Overview

Terri Apter reveals how everyday judgments impact our relationships and how praise, blame, and shame shape our sense of self.

Do you know that praise is essential to the growth of a healthy brain? That experiences of praise and blame affect how long we live? That the conscious and unconscious judgments we engage in every day began as a crucial survival technique? Do you think people shouldn’t be judgmental? But, how judgmental are you, and how does this impact your relationships? “Keenly perceptive” (The Atlantic) psychologist and writer Terri Apter reveals how everyday judgments impact our relationships, and how praise, blame, and shame shape our sense of self.

Our obsession with praise and blame begins soon after birth. Totally dependent on others, rapidly we learn to value praise, and to fear the consequences of blame. Despite outgrowing an infant’s dependence, we continue to monitor others’ judgments of us, and we ourselves develop what relational psychologist Terri Apter calls a “judgment meter,” which constantly scans people and our interactions with them, and registers a positive or negative opinion.

In Passing Judgment, Apter reveals how interactions between parents and children, within couples, and among friends and colleagues are permeated with praise and blame that range far beyond specific compliments and accusations. Drawing on three decades of research, Apter gives us the tools to learn about our personal needs, goals and values, to manage our biases, to tolerate others’ views, and to make sense of our most powerful, and often confusing, responses to ourselves and to others.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780393247862
Publisher:	Norton, W. W. & Company, Inc.
Publication date:	01/09/2018
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	320
File size:	625 KB

About the Author

Terri Apter is a writer, psychologist, and retired Fellow of Newnham College, Cambridge. Her ten books include The Sister Knot, Difficult Mothers, and What Do You Want from Me? She lives in Cambridge, England.

Table of Contents

Introduction 11

1 The Beginnings of Human Judgment 23

2 The Chemistry, Economics, and Psychology of Praise 38

3 Blame: The Necessity and Devastation of Guilt and Shame 59

4 Family Judgments, Family Systems 86

5 Just Friends: Praise and Blame Between Peers 113

6 Intimate Judgments: Praise and Blame Within Couples 144

7 Professional Dues: Praise and Blame in the Workplace 174

8 Social Media and the New Challenges to Our Judgment Meter 211

9 Lifelong Judgments 236

Acknowledgments 251

Notes 253

Index 305

Editorial Reviews

09/25/2017
Praise can be as dangerous as blame in personal relationships, according to this exhaustively documented, uneven study from psychologist Apter (What Do You Want from Me?). Apter spends the book’s first half building the case for how blame and praise shape individuals. She walks the reader through child development, in a section that reads like an exhaustive psychology class with excellent explanations but little storytelling. The more reader-friendly second half details how judgments play out in intimate, work, and social-media spheres. For instance, a workplace compliment of a woman’s shoes sounds innocent but has demeaning undertones. Even the phrase “you’re so thoughtful” isn’t always as warm and fuzzy as it sounds. Such observations school the reader in the multilayered world of praise. Apter does the same for blame by detailing two negative performance reviews: one employee learned from criticism and the other wholly rejected it. Her insights into social media are some of the book’s most interesting, such as that people constantly checking Facebook aren’t feeding a device addiction but looking for “satisfactory feedback.” But this isn’t a book with answers. Readers who make it through the hard-going first half should profit from Apter’s message, which isn’t to avoid judgment, but to “understand and reflect” on it. (Jan. 2018)

Publishers Weekly

"Readers interested in psychological theory will be compelled by this book, as will all readers who just want to be better versions of themselves."

Booklist

"In her latest book, Terri Apter once again helps us to better understand ourselves and others.… She illuminates and explains an often ignored aspect of relationships, that which is informed by the judgments driven by both negative and positive evaluations, even in our smallest interpersonal exchanges."

Liba Taub

"Passing Judgment deserves heaps of praise. Terri Apter has drawn on contemporary neuroscience and the best of social psychology to illuminate how we are captive to judgments of others from our earliest days through our adult years. In lucid prose and with many examples drawn from her research, she offers the opportunity to reflect on our lives and suggests how we might make more responsible judgments of others. Everyone can learn something meaningful from this book."

Ruthellen Josselson

"Passing Judgment achieves a remarkable balance of scholarly insight and readable anecdote. Not only does it perform a masterly diagnosis of the many ways in which our endless exchange of praise and blame in everyday life can reinforce or undermine social relationships, but it offers practical insights without ever preaching. It shows how scientific research based on behavioral observation can add real value to common sense."

Paul Seabright

"In Passing Judgment, Terri Apter—the go-to person when we want to see into the everyday and understand what we’re doing and why—turns her astute eye to the judgments that permeate our lives. . . . I guarantee you will come away from this book with a strong sense of recognition and also perhaps with the question: What happens if I replace judgment with curiosity?"

Carol Gilligan

2017-10-30
Examination of how our inherent need for appreciation and acceptance can be sabotaged by incrimination and criticism.Personally and professionally fascinated by relational judgments for over three decades, British psychologist Apter (Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power, 2012, etc.) explores the nature of praise and blame and how our predisposition to be judgmental of ourselves and others stems from the evolution of the human brain and the progression of interactive social discourse. The author writes that our sensitivities to praise and blame begin as infants able to "mindsight" and detect purpose and feelings in facial signals. She analyzes the importance of praise in reinforcing confidence in early child development and how it can aid in building brain circuits via the natural highs induced by oxytocin and endorphins. Apter dutifully acknowledges that teenagers can be the toughest to praise, as motivations and perceived patronization come into play, and she provides evidence with her observational research case findings. Conversely, the side effects of blame are painful and emotionally and physically burdensome for individuals of any age as well as for family members. The simple pursuit of praise and the careful avoidance of blame can be emblematic of larger social issues, Apter notes, especially in the context of social media engagement and the competitiveness between siblings or co-workers. In more thoroughly described studies, the author discusses the dynamics of friendships differentiated by gender, or how rejection, a lack of positive reinforcement, and mismanaged blame can foster infidelity in romantic couples. "The demand to be the best ushers in a cascade of anxieties," she writes, offering an interesting assessment of the various judgment systems active in many contemporary families. In noting that "we live, day by day, in the constant company of our judgments," Apter counsels that mindfulness and inward reflection can lessen the encumbrances of judgment.Thoughtful discourse on the workings of praise and blame that will be particularly helpful to readers sensitive to scrutiny.

Kirkus Reviews