The Perfect Baby Handbook: A Guide for Excessively Motivated Parents

by Dale Hrabi

Overview

New parents are hipper, more educated, and more sophisticated than ever, but they're also highly competitive--a lethal combination when turbocharged by the anxieties of raising a baby. And for many couples, it's not just any baby, but the perfect baby. These “excessively motivated” parents will not sabotage Junior's future by denying him Mandarin lessons, a nursery chandelier (just like the one Gwyneth's kids enjoy), or advanced infant yoga. A hilarious, highly visual satire of childrearing manuals, The Perfect Baby Handbook provides much-needed comic relief from the pressures of modern parenting, and gives comfort to moms and dads who can say with a sigh of relief, “At least, we're not this bad.”

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780061924750
Publisher:	HarperCollins
Publication date:	12/15/2023
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	268
File size:	11 MB
Note:	This product may take a few minutes to download.

About the Author

Dale Hrabi is a New York based writer and magazine editor who's held top positions at Details, Us Weekly, and Radar magazines, and contributed to ELLE, Wired, and The New York Times, among other major publications.

Read an Excerpt

The Perfect Baby Handbook
A Guide for Excessively Motivated Parents

Chapter One

Preparing for Perfection

Although there's no guarantee that you and your partner will get the chance to raise a perfect baby, considering your level of commitment (and the indisputable fact that one of you once shone at competitive Wiffle ball), the chances are certainly high.

As expectant parents, your first job is to establish that your fetus is, indeed, a potential "miracle" (a common synonym for "perfect baby"). There are a few telltale signs. Most likely, the baby will kick in what could easily be Morse code. Dads-to-be may find that their wives' "pregnancy glow" is so blindingly pronounced it disturbs their sleep. In certain cases, a fanfare of trumpets bursts forth from the womb sometime around the seventeenth week. But this is rare.

Once you're reasonably sure you've conceived a miracle, you'll need to make a few sacrifices to maintain your focus. Moms-to-be should give up housework so they have ample time to ponder unpronounceable Welsh middle names. Future fathers are strongly advised to resist the distractions of sports and irony. None of this is easy. Luckily, the process of preparing for a perfect baby also involves a tremendous amount of joy. For other specific ways to groom yourselves for your miracle's imminent arrival, turn the page.

The Perfect Baby Handbook
A Guide for Excessively Motivated Parents. Copyright (c) by Dale Hrabi . Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

What People are Saying About This

Miranda Purves

“Brilliant! Must-read comic relief for anxious new moms and dads, and all the people who lovingly put up with us.”

Christie Mellor

“The perfect guide for all those new parents and parents-to-be who are starting to realize that the “perfect baby” may not, in fact, exist in nature. Delightfully absurd, thoroughly imaginative, and very funny.”

Douglas Coupland

“Hands down the funniest book about children that Spy magazine never wrote.”

Stefanie Wilder Taylor

“This hilarious, satirical look at super-parenting had me laughing so hard, I almost spilled my wine.”

Editorial Reviews

The perfect guide for all those new parents and parents-to-be who are starting to realize that the “perfect baby” may not, in fact, exist in nature. Delightfully absurd, thoroughly imaginative, and very funny.” — Christie Mellor, author of The Three-Martini Playdate

“Hands down the funniest book about children that Spy magazine never wrote.” — Douglas Coupland

“Brilliant! Must-read comic relief for anxious new moms and dads, and all the people who lovingly put up with us.” — Miranda Purves, Living Editor, ELLE

“This hilarious, satirical look at super-parenting had me laughing so hard, I almost spilled my wine.” — Stefanie Wilder Taylor, author of Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay

“Dale Hrabi’s Perfect Baby Handbook: Advice on ‘elevating your baby’s mind with unattractive Dutch toys’ and more.” — New York

“The Perfect Baby Handbook is a satirical look at raising kids and the perfect antidote to your anxiety (since heavy drinking is out).” — Daily Candy Kids

“The Perfect Baby Handbook is just what you need when the crushing sense of responsibility you feel when creating a life gets you down. This spoof on traditional baby guidebooks...[will] make you laugh out loud.” — Curve Magazine

“In this age of competitive parenting, how do you make sure your baby comes out on top — and in the best outfit? . . . This not-so-serious approach to the all-encompassing baby guide gives anxious parents a little breathing room — and a laugh.” — UrbanBaby.com

“In researching his satirical manual, The Perfect Baby Handbook...[which] details yuppie parent phenomena, Dale Hrabi found that sometimes the slightest intervention can help moms and dads see the absurdity of their ways.” — W Magazine

From the Publisher

In this age of competitive parenting, how do you make sure your baby comes out on top — and in the best outfit? . . . This not-so-serious approach to the all-encompassing baby guide gives anxious parents a little breathing room — and a laugh.

UrbanBaby.com

In researching his satirical manual, The Perfect Baby Handbook...[which] details yuppie parent phenomena, Dale Hrabi found that sometimes the slightest intervention can help moms and dads see the absurdity of their ways.

W Magazine

The Perfect Baby Handbook is just what you need when the crushing sense of responsibility you feel when creating a life gets you down. This spoof on traditional baby guidebooks...[will] make you laugh out loud.

Curve Magazine

Brilliant! Must-read comic relief for anxious new moms and dads, and all the people who lovingly put up with us.

Miranda Purves

This hilarious, satirical look at super-parenting had me laughing so hard, I almost spilled my wine.

Stefanie Wilder Taylor

The Perfect Baby Handbook is a satirical look at raising kids and the perfect antidote to your anxiety (since heavy drinking is out).

Daily Candy Kids

Hands down the funniest book about children that Spy magazine never wrote.

Douglas Coupland

Dale Hrabi’s Perfect Baby Handbook: Advice on ‘elevating your baby’s mind with unattractive Dutch toys’ and more.

New York

The perfect guide for all those new parents and parents-to-be who are starting to realize that the “perfect baby” may not, in fact, exist in nature. Delightfully absurd, thoroughly imaginative, and very funny.

Christie Mellor