Raising the Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation

by Elizabeth Beckwith

Overview

A hysterically tongue-in-cheek, parody parenting guide by “a wonder writer and an expressive, hilarious comedian” (Zack Galifianakis).

Raising the Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation is not one of those traditional, all-too-earnest parenting guides that, for generations, have sucked all the fun out of child rearing. The foundation of Elizabeth Beckwith’s Guilt and Manipulation family philosophy is simple: We do things a certain way, and everyone else is an a**hole.

Is that something you should put on a bumper sticker and slap on your minivan? Of course not—that would be trashy. But in the privacy of your own home, you can employ these essential components of Guilt and Manipulation to mold the little runts ruthlessly yet effectively into children you won't be embarrassed to admit are yours:

• Creating a Team: “Us” vs. “Them”
• How to Scare the Crap Out of Your Child (in a Positive Way)
• Don’t Be Afraid to Raise a Nerd
• Mind Control: Why It’s a Good Thing

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780061939686
Publisher:	HarperCollins
Publication date:	12/15/2023
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	256
Sales rank:	426,927
File size:	768 KB

About the Author

Elizabeth Beckwith is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actress who lives in Los Angeles with her husband, Patrick, and her children, Michael and Frances.

Table of Contents

Introduction ix

1 Creating a Team: "Us vs. Them" 1

2 Sweep It Under the Rug 21

3 How to Scare the Crap Out of Your Child (in a Positive Way) 39

4 Don't Worry About the Mean Kid's Feelings, Make Your Own Kid Feel Better 59

5 Don't Be Afraid to Raise a Nerd 77

6 Mind Control: Why It's a Good Thing 95

7 Disciplining with Meaning Vs. Meaningless Discipline 117

8 All for One and One for All 137

9 Spousal Indoctrination and Other Related Things 155

10 Guilt Is a Two-Way Street 177

11 Grandma Guido and the Evolution of Guilt and Manipulation 197

Frequently Asked Questions 223

Thank You and Good Luck 229

Recipes to Keep Your Children From Running Away 231

Elizabeth's Childhood OCD Prayer Ritual 237

Acknowledgments 239