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Silence of Pain
By Cheryl Tolliver
AuthorHouse
Copyright © 2012 Cheryl Tolliver
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4772-1311-7
Chapter One
My Family History
A small country town in Louisiana is where I was born and raised. If you tried to look my town up on a map, you would need a magnifying glass to find it. When you have found my home town on the map and had followed all of the directions you probably would pass through unaware of the small town. The speed limit on the highway is 35 mph. The citizens drive slowly and carefully so there is no way you could cause an automobile accident. If an accident was about to occur you could avoid it. If folks didn't have cars for transportation they would use horses to go to work or drive into town. Some African Americans would have wagons attached to their horses in case they needed supplies from up town.
The population is about a few thousand peoples who lived in my home town. I grew up in a town, where the African Americans and Caucasian people were divided. All Caucasian folks lived on one side of the town in middle class houses. The majority of the African Americans lived on the other side of town. I never have seen one Caucasian person that lived in our neighborhood. Although we were divided from the rich and the poor sections, there weren't any racial prejudice amongst us. We were one happy town. Everyone was friendly. No matter where we met as a sign of hello we waved our hands to each other.
I have seen and heard of the Caucasian having a better way of living and a better education for themselves than African Americans. Some of our African American people did not have a good education. Education was not pushed among them. As African Americans they were forced as young as five years of age to work in the cotton fields to help take care of their families. The middle class African Americans who had enough resource to live on had better education and good jobs. Don't get me wrong, there were some poor African Americans who had graduated from High School and found a good job.
Years ago, I didn't see one African American working behind a register. Some African Americans had no other choice but to work for others as cooks, maids or baby sitters. The majority of the African Americans were on welfare, because some could not find suitable jobs to take care of their families. The African American men found jobs working in saw mill's, cotton gins, railroads, or working on a construction site while their wives cleaned houses and some were stay at home moms.
In the old days some folks where I had lived farmed or raised their own crops. The grocery stores profits were low when it came to vegetables and meat. The colored folks grew, picked, canned and sold their own vegetables to make a living. They raised their own cattle to kill. To you, those days may seem complicated, but to us it was a way of survival. Although my family was poor, they were rich in spirit and were satisfied with what they had and always were thankful to God no matter what the circumstances at hand may have been.
It was a captivating interval for Ann and Charles with their four children Sam, Carol, Charles Jr and Pam. Sam the oldest son was conceived by a man named Jake from Ann's previous marriage. Ann divorced Jake when Sam was eight months old due to a conflict encountered between them. Charles and Ann didn't have an education. The two of them were forced to work at an early age. At the age of five years old, Charles was forced to work in the cotton fields to help provide for his family. Charles was chosen to work in the field not because he was the oldest, but because he looked more mature than a five year child should look. There were three girls and five boys in Charles family. He was the tallest and the biggest amongst his siblings. Charles family was poor and having difficult times trying to make a living. Having financial problems wasn't the only problems in Charles family, he had witnessed men abuse and mistreat his mother and became intimidated by what he had witnessed. As Charles grew older he started looking for a better opportunity for himself. He wanted to find a suitable job to better his life and soon raised a family of his own. Charles faith came sooner than he expected and was offered a position working for a sawmill making more money.
Ann came from a troubled family in which she had witnessed abuse and was abused herself by her mother and stepfather. Ann's mother and father were married, but they later separated due to the violent nature of her mother's attitude. Beth was Ann's mother's name. Beth had borne three children two girls and one boy. I've heard of stories of my great-grandmother Beth becoming a dangerous person when she became intoxicated. We gave her a nickname of Big Mama, because she was on the heavy side and said whatever came to her mind. Big Mama didn't care about how she spoke or if she hurt anyone's feelings. I have heard stories of a couple of instances where Big Mama made one of her lovers drive her behind a levee, while she was intoxicated and shot him in his hip. The man walked a few blocks to get help to take him to the hospital. Once the hospital had taken care of him, he went back to Big Mama house as if nothing had happened. Another incident happened while she was drinking and playing dominoes with a lover which escalated into a heated argument that led Big Mama into shooting her second boyfriend. The man didn't die. He seeks medical attention and returned home to her. Big Mama never was arrested for any of the crimes she had committed. I guess that's why Big Mama continued to do what she did, because she always got away with her crimes without going to jail. Big Mama was a victim of abuse herself and carried it on to her generation.
Although, my grandmother Ann history of abuse outweighed her she didn't boast about the bad often. Ann better known as grandma claims all of her good days out weighed her bad days so she would rather boast about the good days. My grandmother spoke happily about her childhood for a brief moment. As grandma and I sat on the porch one day, she told me a brief story from her birth to five years old. She lived with her mother Beth from birth to five years old. Beth had shown favoritism towards the baby girl Dawn, while she was abused. Tommy, Beth only son was killed in an automobile accident. Tommy was driving drunk and steered off the pavement to his death. My grandma and her family lived on a farm and grew cotton to make a living. Grandma and her male cousin used to jump and play on the cotton while her parents were in the field picking cotton. Ann's parents used the sack they bought flour out of to put the picked cotton inside. Grandma recalls her parents picking the cotton to sell to different vendors. They would sometimes trade the cotton for food. When my grandma parents picked the cotton and put it on the front porch, my grandma and her cousin Henry would jump up and down on the cotton. One day while jumping on the cotton, Henry cut his tongue bad on a cotton stalk. My grandma said that Henry tongue was bleeding all over the white cotton. My grandmother uncle saw that they were playing and jumping on the cotton; he came over to the porch and whipped them both. When the uncle saw that Henry was bleeding, he said "that's what you get from jumping up and down." He took each one by the collar and threw them through the window of the house onto the bed. After her uncle whipped them, they were back out there playing on the cotton once again. Grandma said nothing stopped them from playing on that cotton. When Big Mama would tell my grandmother and her cousin Henry to stop playing on the cotton, they would keep jumping, until they were content. They weren't worried about getting a whipping; they were having fun playing on that cotton. "Jumping on the soft cotton was more exciting than to picking it," she said.
Working at an early age and abuse was handed down from generation to generation; the oldest son, Sam was put to work in the field at the age of five years old to help support the family finances. Sam witnessed his stepfather abuse his mother. The scenes of his stepfather abusing his mother played throughout his mind, as he grew older. He wanted the abuse to stop. Since, the abuse continued Sam grew weary of his mother paying the bills instead of the stepfather who should have been paying the bills. Resentment of Sam stepfather beating on his mother begins to kick in as he became a teenager. Sam took his family's frustration out on other children as they picked at him. When he would fight, he fought to kill, but he never killed anyone. If anyone bothered Sam and thought they had gotten away with it, they may have gotten away with it for that moment, because Sam never forgot to get even with anyone. When Sam victims think he has forgotten about the incident, Sam gets his revenge on his victims by hitting them when they least expect it.
One day Sam and his stepfather Charles had gotten into a conflict about hitting on his mother Ann. Sam begins to check the guns in the house for bullets to kill his stepfather, but Sam was talked out of the killing plot by his mother Ann.
Although, Sam worked from a child to adolescent he strived to continue his education. Sam became involved in working hard to help provide for his family. Sam began to miss too many days from high school. Before he could make up any days that he had missed due to working, the teachers failed him in the twelfth grade. Sam didn't let this failures discourage him, he continued to work and when school began he tried hard to graduate from high school. Sam was supposed to graduate in 1966, but he successfully graduated in 1967. After graduation, he packed his things and moved out of town where he is now resigning with his wife, Marge, and their three lovely children Ted, Tim, and his daughter Donna.
Charles Jr dropped out of school and left home at the age of fifteen years old due to the fact that he grew tired of seeing his dad beat on his mother. The witnessing of his mother's abuse by his dad led Charles Jr into plotting to kill his biological dad. One day while Charles Jr dad Charles was fighting his mother he intervenes and began fighting his dad in the defense of his mother. Charles moved away from his parents' home after that fight he and his dad had over his mother.
The baby girl Pam graduated from high school and got married at the age of seventeen and moved out of town where her oldest brother Sam lived. She and her husband Arthur were settled in an apartment and lived out of town for a year. The two of them decided that living out of town wasn't a place to raise a family. Pam held her silence of what she had witnessed as a child and never spoke about the past. Pam and her husband Arthur lively hood didn't go as well as expected out of town, so they moved back to their home town where they had three lovely children, two boys Shawn, Damon and a girl named Sarah.
Carol, who is my mother didn't like what Charles her father had done to her mother. Carol and her dad had numerous arguments about her mother. She had her share of abuse from her father, but Carol didn't let that stop her. Soon Carol became disinterested in school and became interested in boys. The situation had gotten out of hand. In the year of 1965, my mother was sixteen year old. My grandma would send my mother to school every day. She would skip school to meet men at the club. Someone told my grandmother that Carol had been skipping school to go to the club. The folks around town told my grandma where Carol would be found on a day she wouldn't be at school. Wherever the folks would say Carol could have been found sure enough, she would be in the club. She was drinking and associating with a man. Grandma walked up to my mother without her noticing she was in the club. "Since you are not going to school go find a job," grandma replied to Carol. After grandma made this comment to Carol she turned around and walked out of the club with anger and disappointment of how her daughter chooses to live her life and not get her education. Carol would rather be around drunken old men than to get her education. "It was important for Carol to get her education. It was important for Carol to get an education, because I didn't get my education," grandma said. Grandma wanted all of her children to get their education and grow up to be somebody. She wanted a better life for her children that she couldn't have when she was their age. Carol had made her mind that she wasn't going to return back to school, because the club scene was more exciting than going to school. Carol thought to herself that getting a job wasn't a bad idea. "I can get out of my parents' house," were her thoughts.
Carol had a ninth grade education and found a good job working at a garment factory. Upon dropping out of school, Carol parents were strict. At the age of sixteen, she had a job. Carol wasn't attending school any longer, she felt as if she was grown and no one could tell her what to do. She didn't want to listen to anything her parents had to say or anyone else for that matter.
My mother was 18 years old when she became involved with a man name Mike. My mother was in love with Mike, but Mike had my mother fooled. He told my mother that they were going to be together. He had filled her head up with all kinds of sweet nothings. Mike was married to a woman name Rita. My mother became pregnant in March of 1967. She was happy about her pregnancy with Mike. My mother had hopes that now she was pregnant that it would be a matter of days before she could have Mike to herself. My mother worshipped the ground my dad walked on. As my mother was joyful of the news she was with child, my dad was devastated with the fact my mother was pregnant.
He thought it would cause a catastrophe in his marriage. Mike didn't want his wife to find out about his little affair with my mother, so he asked my mother to keep quiet about the baby, until he can figure out what to do.
There were never any talks about abortion. I figured he wanted me, but he didn't want to mess up his relationship with his wife. My mother couldn't find words to tell her parents that she was pregnant by a married man. Eventually the relationship between my mother and Mike had gone sour. My mother was distraught over the breakup. My mother began to have resentment toward Mike. To keep my mother's parents' from finding out she was pregnant, she moved out of town with her cousin. Her parents didn't know why she was moving. They thought she was moving just to be mischievous. She really left town, because she feared her daddy Charles would have beaten the baby out of her. To protect the baby she moved. My mother cousin treated and took care of her well. My grandparents' relatives never told my mother's parents' that she was with child. My mother cousin made sure she ate the right food to nurture the fetus.
A couple of weeks before I was born, my mother returned to her hometown in the middle of January 1968. My mother returned from out of town, her parents were shocked to find out their daughter was expecting a child. It was too late for fussing, cursing or a beating from my mother's dad Charles. My mother dad just looked at my mother and rolled his eyes and grandma called Jesus name. They could either accept her as she was or turn her away. They accepted the fact she was pregnant.
Two weeks later on February 2, 1968, a baby girl was born. My mother told my dad about the precious bundle of joy that had been born into this world. My dad and mother would argue about what my name would be. My mother was happy with conceiving her baby girl. My mother named me after her favorite soap opera star. My dad wanted to name me Denise, My mother wouldn't hear of naming me Denise. She named me Cheryl.
My mother learned that my father's wife was pregnant. She was devastated about the news of this wife pregnancy and was angry with my father. She was deeply hurt and started to cry. My mother took her frustration out on me when I started to cry. Grandma told me that my mother had me in the bathroom and was trying to flush me down the toilet. Thank God, my grandma walked in on her when she was trying to flush me downs the toilet. "What are you trying to do to this baby?" my grandma asked my mother. This incident escalated into an argument between the two of them. If you don't want her give her to me!" my grandma told my mother. They exchanged words back and forth. My mother was so upset, she packed her clothes and without notice she moved and left me with her parents'.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Silence of Pain by Cheryl Tolliver Copyright © 2012 by Cheryl Tolliver. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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