Once upon a time, prank phone calls were the best way to procrastinate, but in 2015, they're so passé. Instead, Matt Andrews has mastered the art of prank texting. What happens when you offer to barter two sub-sandwiches for a used motorcycle? Who do you call when you want to build a mysterious man cave in your basement? What do you do if you need a knight in shining armor to deliver you to your high school reunion? If you've ever left a "contact me" pull-tab at your local grocery or posted an ad on Craigslist and received insane and unbelievable text messages in response, Andrews is very likely to blame. We'd be mad at him if we could stop laughing long enough to hit "send" on the exceptionally witty come back we thought of...too bad he's already moved on to his next target and deleted us from his phone, now only to be remembered in these pages of his laugh-out-loud funny book.
Once upon a time, prank phone calls were the best way to procrastinate, but in 2015, they're so passé. Instead, Matt Andrews has mastered the art of prank texting. What happens when you offer to barter two sub-sandwiches for a used motorcycle? Who do you call when you want to build a mysterious man cave in your basement? What do you do if you need a knight in shining armor to deliver you to your high school reunion? If you've ever left a "contact me" pull-tab at your local grocery or posted an ad on Craigslist and received insane and unbelievable text messages in response, Andrews is very likely to blame. We'd be mad at him if we could stop laughing long enough to hit "send" on the exceptionally witty come back we thought of...too bad he's already moved on to his next target and deleted us from his phone, now only to be remembered in these pages of his laugh-out-loud funny book.
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Overview
Once upon a time, prank phone calls were the best way to procrastinate, but in 2015, they're so passé. Instead, Matt Andrews has mastered the art of prank texting. What happens when you offer to barter two sub-sandwiches for a used motorcycle? Who do you call when you want to build a mysterious man cave in your basement? What do you do if you need a knight in shining armor to deliver you to your high school reunion? If you've ever left a "contact me" pull-tab at your local grocery or posted an ad on Craigslist and received insane and unbelievable text messages in response, Andrews is very likely to blame. We'd be mad at him if we could stop laughing long enough to hit "send" on the exceptionally witty come back we thought of...too bad he's already moved on to his next target and deleted us from his phone, now only to be remembered in these pages of his laugh-out-loud funny book.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781466852082 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | St. Martin's Publishing Group |
| Publication date: | 02/17/2015 |
| Sold by: | Macmillan |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 192 |
| File size: | 7 MB |
About the Author
MATT ANDREWS is a reformed loser and full-time hooligan. It started during an exceptionally boring shift at the smart phone kiosk where he used to work in the mall. With ample time to procrastinate, Matt decided to check out Craigslist. He saw an ad requesting the reader to text a personal cell phone number for more information, and thus his prank text empire was born. The public have taken to the blog like moths to the flame on sites including BuzzFeed, Reddit, The Huffington Post, and others.
MATT ANDREWS is a reformed loser and full-time hooligan. It started during an exceptionally boring shift at the smart phone kiosk where he used to work in the mall. With ample time to procrastinate, Matt decided to check out Craigslist. He saw an ad requesting the reader to text a personal cell phone number for more information, and thus his prank text empire was born. The public have taken to the blog like moths to the flame on sites including BuzzFeed, Reddit, The Huffington Post, and others.
Read an Excerpt
Textastrophe
A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks
By Matt Andrews
St. Martin's Press
Copyright © 2015 Matt AndrewsAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4668-5208-2
CHAPTER 1
The Manager
Is this Mark the manager from TGI Friday's?
This is Mark.
Who is this?
My name is Don Winfield, I hate to text you so early in the morning but I thought i'd let you know that I came to your restaurant last night and I think the food prepared by your establishment gave me food poisoning.
First, I would like to apologize on behalf of myself and TGI Friday's.
Second, when did you come in and do you remember what you had?
Came in around 6pm and started off with a couple coconut colada margaritas and some Tostado Nachos.
Was that all? When did you get sick?
I probably had about 14 Coors Lights after the nachos and I got sick when I got home probably around, I dunno, 2am?
14?
Maybe 15 but who's counting lol ;)
Anyway, came home and spewed all over the place.
Puked all over my couch and a pair of my wife's new shoes. Figured I could swing by and pick up a check from you so I can get this couch cleaned and get the wife a new pair of shoes.
I'm sorry Mr. Winfield I don't think I can pay you for your couch. It sounds like you just got drunk and got sick.
I don't know if you can pinpoint that it was the food that actually made you sick.
I'm pretty sure it was those nachos because that's what I threw up.
Oh! I think I had some mozzarella cheese sticks at some point too, because those things were all over the couch.
I think a check for $200 should cover it.
I'm sorry it sounds like you had too much to drink. I can't help you with the couch.
Well my wife gets back today around 3 and if she sees this couch and her new shoes covered in vomit she will know I've been drinking again and she is going to kill me.
So we gotta get this cleaned.
I can't help you.
What do you mean you can't help me?? I've been true blue TGI Fridays since day 1 and now you're gonna leave me up a creek?
Seriously Mark, if Peggy sees this mess she is going to leave me for sure!
I'm sorry there is nothing I can do.
The bar tender shouldn't have even served you that much.
Oh I snuck a few cold ones in.
Drank 'em in the bathroom.
That's illegal.
I would have not let that go on if I knew you were doing that.
So you're saying you can't cut me a check?
No.
Can I get a free meal or something?
No.
Free beer? I'll take anything but Coors Light.
No.
Please stop texting me.
Think these could have got me sick?
I must have tore into this old box of fish sticks when I got home.
They expired when Space Jam was still in theatres, so I'm pretty sure that's what made me barf.
Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
CHAPTER 2The Manager II
Hello, is this Brandon from Joe's Crab Shack?
Yes hello! Who is this?
You don't know me but my name is Donny Nuggets, for what it's worth.
Don't mean to text you so late but I just left your establishment with my wife and we thoroughly enjoyed our crab dinner! Just thought you'd like to know!
Well, I'm glad!
Please come back and see us again!
Oh don't you worry about that. I saw that sign outside.
I'll be back with whole family tomorrow!
Haha, glad you like our marketing strategy ;-)
Thanks again Mr. Nuggets!
Brandon, you can just call me Donny.
Thanks again!
I text him the next day ...
Brandon, we got a problem. Are you at the restaurant?
No, I'm currently not. Is there anything I can help you with though?
I brought the entire family up to your establishment, like I said. All we ordered was some dinners with Crab in them. Now the waiter is telling me I have to pay for the meal.
ok
I showed him the photo I took last night but he's telling me the sign is a joke.
It is a joke Donny.
Well if it's a joke, I don't get it.
That has been painted on our building since we opened 9 years ago. We have not had a single complaint or confusion yet ...
So I'm gonna have to pay for this free food?
It's not free. It was never free.
I'm sorry you misunderstood the joke, Donny.
Well first off, give me some respect and call me Mr. Nuggets.
And B) Is that how you run your business?
You lure people in with signs saying "Hey, you want some free shit" then drop a bill on their table?
I'm sorry you misunderstood.
You know what I think?
I think I'll be paying your establishment a little nightly visit and "fixing" your sign.
Catch my drift?
So basically you're admitting to a potential crime of vandalizing the building?
Ok
I don't know a few of those words but just know I'll be "handling the situation"
Listen Mr. Nuggets, if you do anything to the building, I'll have to notify the police.
I'm sorry you were confused by the sign outside but I can't just give you and your family free meals. If you'd like to talk about the issue tomorrow, I'll be here when the doors open.
Not if I see you first.
If you catch my drift.
Right
Well like I said, I'll be here tomorrow if you would like to further discuss the issue.
I text him early the next day ...
Fixed your sign
What the hell is wrong with you man!
Just doing what's right.
I'm on my way there right now you asshole!
This conversation is going straight to the police!
He texts me 20 minutes later ...
ok dick. I'm here and the sign is fine.
Who is this really?
It's Joseph
Joseph who?
Joseph Crabshack.
CHAPTER 3The Dog Treats
Coincidentally, they have a snack section (for humans) next to the check-out register.
Is this Rhonda of Pet Shop?
Yes
I got a bit of a dilemma on my hands.
I'm sorry, who is this?
My name is Dwayne Bumpus. I was over at your pet shop earlier today.
The sign next to the door says to contact you if any of the products aren't up to par.
Oh yes!
What product are you having trouble with?
Well I fed one of your doggy treats to my pug, Professor Dreamsicle.
Now I got a dog that won't stop horking the hot chowder.
Horking the hot chowder?
Vomiting?
Yes mam
He done just about blew his groceries all over my apartment.
Oh my, I'm so sorry!
I brought him in the bathroom and told him to aim for the commode. But he don't understand.
Because, you know, he's a dog.
yes
I'm sorry
The way I see it is, you sold us the dog treats, so this is your problem. Of course.
Well please come back to the store tomorrow. I will fully refund your money.
We open at 8am.
Believe me, I plan on it.
I'm sorry to hear about your pug. We rarely have animals get sick from the treats, but some can have a reaction.
Professor Dreamsicle has never gotten sick from a treat before.
Then I feed him one from your establishment, now I got a dog spewin' every 15 minutes.
For quality control purposes, which treat did you give him?
I'll take note of it and forewarn the treat's manufacturer and the rest of my employees for other possible dissatisfied customers.
Hold on, let me get the package out of the trash can.
He gobbled up about 3 pretty quick. I figured 3 was enough cuz of how big they are.
You bought that from my store?
That's a Butterfinger candy bar.
Yes mam. Sitting right next to the cash register at the check out.
Oh now I realize what happened.
Those are meant for human consumption. We sell them with a few other food and drinks as refreshments when you leave the store.
You're gonna sell people food at a pet shop?
I apologize for the misunderstanding.
I'd seek treatment from an emergency veterinarian if he continues to vomit.
Oh I already did that.
He told me to let you know that you shouldn't include chocolate as an ingredient in your dog treats.
Well, yes.
But just so we're clear, those aren't dog treats. That's a human snack.
Listen, you can call it a snack or a treat, but I'm gonna need a refund for it.
Of course.
And about $1200 for these vet bills.
Ok that's not going to happen.
You think I'm gonna pay for this mess?
I'm certainly not.
Hey lady you're lucky I don't make you pay for my autographed "3 Doors Down" poster.
Some of your "human snacks" caught some major air on the way out and basically ruined the thing.
That thing is basically priceless.
I'll be happy to refund you for your purchase but that's it.
You should know better than to feed a candy bar to your dog.
Well can you at least answer a question I've been having trouble with?
Sure
What kind of dumb ass pet shop owner sells human food in their store?
Ok Jackass
I'm not the person who fed their dog a candy bar. Who the hell doesn't have the intelligence to know that you shouldn't feed your dog a butterfingers?!
How about you call and apologize to Professor Dreamsicle.
I can put you on speakerphone.
Screw you.
CHAPTER 4The Restroom
I stumbled across this sign posted on the door of a restroom at a gas station along the highway.
Is this Sebastian?
Ya who is this?
Are you the guy responsible for the restroom at the Gas Station?
Yes
Have you checked the cleanliness of the restroom recently?
Yes
I was there yesterday
I'm in here now.
It looks like someone asphyxiated your toilet with an amount of feces that would gag a large animal.
Ok I'll have to go look. Sorry about that.
Also, it looks like somebody took your sign, wiped their ass, then replaced it to its original spot.
Can you alert the attendant working?
I informed the staff and he told me to "deal with it".
You better make this right, Sebastian.
Of course
The bathroom will be dealt with immediately.
Can I get a free jerky or something?
I'm sorry
I do apologize for the experience but I can't give you merchandise.
I can assure that the bathroom will be kept clean upon your next visit.
I text him 20 minutes later ...
Sebastian!
I tried walking out of your gas station with 2 Slim Jims and a grape soda.
Your employee called the cops on me!
You stole them?
I told them you said I could take them
I told you NOT to take anything.
You said you would I make it right Sebastian!
And I believed you!
Oh God
You ask me to make it right and I apologized for your experience.
It's your bad. Think before you commit a crime.
I was trying to help you do your job and now I'm going to jail.
Now I'll probably have to go to community college and end up managing some shitty gas station in the middle of nowhere.
Hey go fuck yourself asshole
Sebastian! Make it right!
Sebastian?
Sebastian!?!?
Wanted: Items
CHAPTER 5The Satellite Dish
I text him at 11pm ...
Hello, are you still looking to buy big satellites?
Yes, but did you not read the ad??? I said no calls or text after 5pm!
I know. But I have a deal that I had to tell you about. It's just way too good to pass up, man.
Ok? What you got?
My name is Nwabudike and I am a Nigerian prince. Please I would like to keep this proposal as a top-secret and delete if you are not interested and get back to me if you are interested for details as regards to the transfer of $24,500,500.00 US dollars. I seek your good assistance to invest these funds into a profitable investment in your country. During this dispensation please I count on your absolute confidentiality, transparency and trust while looking forward to your prompt reply towards a swift conclusion of this transaction. Many thanks and blessing remains with you.
If you contact me again I'm calling the cops!
CHAPTER 6The PT Cruiser Wheel
Is this the guy looking for a PT cruiser wheel?
Yes. Do you have a 7 spoke 16 inch cast aluminum?
Yeah, she does. How much you want it for?
Call me and we can talk about the price.
Sorry, I'm in class. I can only text.
How about $40?
Cool, that works. Do you know how to take off a tire?
Why?
Not trying to be a smart ass but I would pay 8 bucks not to mess with it.
It's my grandma's car.
We're gunna have to sneak into her garage and get it. I don't know how to take a tire off cuz I'm only 15. I can't even drive.
Your grandmas car?
Ya. She drives it like once a week. She will never know it's gone.
You got a jack?
I aint stealing a wheel!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Stealing? Nobody said anything about stealing. Here's how it's gunna go down. I can take my grandmas garage door opener today after school, so I can get you in tonight. You pick me up, pay me the $40. Then you just go in and rip the tire off her car.
No
She's an old lady. She's asleep by 9 at the latest.
She won't even know the tire is gone. Like I said, she drives like once a week.
Your an idiot
Coming from a guy that drives a PT Cruiser ...
So, I used to be a private investigator. I should track you down and let your grandma know what a piece of shit you are.
So do you want the tire or not?
NO
How bout I get the tire off and you pay me $80?
Fuck off
CHAPTER 7The Gift Cards
Hi are you still looking for gift cards?
Yes what do u have
I have a lot. I just had my Bar Mitzvah last week and I have a bunch of gift cards I received as gifts. I have cards from all over.
Have walmart macys or target cards? how much r u looking to get?
I have a $100 Wal-Mart one. You want that?
Sure how much r u looking to get
Make me an offer.
I can do 65
Ok, I'm cool with $65 Deal?
Can u meet me downtown?
I'm only 13. I can't drive. I can probably get my mom to drive.
if u can do that let me know
Ok, do we have a deal for $65?
yes
Cool, the card still has like 19 bucks on it. I only used it a couple times but the card is in great condition.
Huh?
Yeah, it had $100 but since I spent some of it, it now only has $19 left.
u mean the wal mart card has 19 bucks on it??
Yeah
What
That's cool you're paying me $65 for it.
I've heard of people collecting baseball and basketball cards, never met anyone into collecting gift cards.
You know any other collectors? I have tons of gift cards with only a few bucks left on them. (all in good condition, of course)
Ok, my mom said she can drive me, when do you wanna meet?
You there? Let's make this happen.
no thanks
I dont collect fucking gift cards maybe u should go waste some one elses time
Maybe you should be more specific on your ad and say you're not a collector. My mom is driving me over there at 3 after school and you better have the cash or she's gonna be pissed because you'll be an Indian giver.
Just do the right thing and pay me $65 for the gift card.
goodbye
CHAPTER 8The Mitsubishi Eclipse
Still looking for that Mitsubishi Eclipse for your daughter?
Yes I am.
Pretty sure I can help you out.
I got a white 2007 Eclipse. Runs great.
Sounds good.
Can you tell me a little more about it? What condition is it in?
Fairly good condition. A couple of scratches here and there, but nothing too noticeable.
Ok, what's the mileage?
About 55K
But it's been a good 55K. Hadn't had a problem with the engine yet.
Great.
And how does the interior look?
Interior is perfect.
Got the original manufacturer's tan leather seats, a 5-disc CD changer with an auxiliary plug-in, a court ordered intoxa-lock, and an upgraded Panasonic stereo system with top-of-the-line speakers.
Alright. That sounds good.
Sorry, what exactly is the court ordered intoxa-lock?
Oh nothing too fancy.
Just something you breathe into so the car will start.
I'm not following you
You just blow into it.
Then the little gadget does a math equation to see if you drank alcohol or not.
Then the car starts up.
So it's a breathalyzer ...
Well, if you want to look at it like that.
Ok.
Well just get it removed and I think we can work out a deal.
You don't think I've tried that?
The police have that thing sealed on tight. trust me.
Right
Well if it can't be removed, I'll have to pass on the car.
Just tell your daughter to make sure she doesn't hit the sauce before driving it, problem solved.
That's ridiculous. I'm not having my daughter blow into that thing every time she wants to drive ...
Tell ya what I'll do. For a small fee I'll get my grandson to come over when your daughter gets all liquored up. He can just blow into the thing.
You're joking right?
No sir. How else you think I've been driving around? After crashing this thing into a CiCi's Pizza last month, I've had to get a little crafty.
Right. Well this is definitely not going to happen.
Sounds like you deserve to be in jail.
Sounds like you need a drink.
Say, why don't you come pick me up and I'll let you buy me a beer.
This conversation is over.
CHAPTER 9The iPhone
Hi, is this the person who is looking to buy an iPhone?
Yea
I think I can help you.
I got one I'm trying to get rid of.
What kind of iPhone?
Not really sure.
I told her if she failed her English test, I would take it away ... and she did.
I'm really only looking to buy an iPhone 5 or 5-S.
I can take a photo of it and you can tell me if it's the one you're looking for.
That will work.
That's the one I need.
What are you looking to sell it for.
Hey buddy, don't try to rip me off.
The last guy said he would only give me $15. I wanted at least $25.
Ok I'll take it for $25
Can I meet you somewhere, or you can swing by my place?
I can meet you on the Starbucks on 31st street in about half an hour.
Does that work?
Perfect
I'll text you when I get there.
I text him half an hour later ...
Hey, you play Angry Birds?
No, why?
I'm 2 minutes away btw.
Oh man, you should play
I just started playing, it is really fun!.
Yea I've played the game before.
You should start playing again.
Are you there already? I'm looking for a spot.
Not there yet.
I'll be honest with you man. This Angry Birds game is a really great.
There's this one bird that spins back around, kinda like a boomerang.
That makes the price $30.
That's fine.
I'm on level 27 right now and this game just keeps getting better and better!
Just call me when you get here
Or just look for the guy wearing an orange shirt.
I'll be there in about 5 minutes.
Hey can you do me a favor and order me a white chocolate mocha latte?
Really?
I just want it to cool off a little bit before I get there. They always serve them so hot!
I'll pay you back.
No worries
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Textastrophe by Matt Andrews. Copyright © 2015 Matt Andrews. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Introduction,Management & Leadership,
The Manager,
The Manager II,
The Dog Treats,
The Restroom,
Wanted: Items,
The Satellite Dish,
The PT Cruiser Wheel,
The Gift Cards,
The Mitsubishi Eclipse,
The iPhone,
The Fireworks,
The Pepper Spray,
The Ten Speed,
The Baby Fence,
Wanted: Services,
The Baseball Team,
The Guitar Lessons,
The Coffee Shop Show,
The Graphic Designer,
The Custom Costume,
For Rent,
The Moon Bounce,
The Margarita Machine,
The Boat Storage,
For Sale or Trade,
Subs and Amps,
The Autograph,
The Chili's Gift Card,
The Painting,
The Sexy Cop Uniform,
The Batman DVD,
The Cotton Candy,
Services: Skilled Trade,
The Wifi Guy,
The Man Cave,
The Computer Repairman,
The Computer Repairman II,
The Pool Repairman,
The iPhone Repairman,
The Vending Machine,
The Rabbit, A Taxidermy Tale,
The Plumber,
Services: Education and Learning,
The Math Tutor,
The Pitching Lesson,
The Airbrush Painter,
The Writer,
Services: Gigs,
The Christian DJ,
The Halloween DJ,
The Personal Driver,
The Epic Party,
Lingo the Clown,
The Songwriter,
The Horse Carriage,
The Cable Installer,
Thank-Yous,