Every parent has moments with their kids, that they wish they'd been better prepared to handle. If they'd only known. This cleverly designed book published in conjunction with Focus on the Family shares heartwarming and vulnerable experiences from well-known moms and dads. Readers will love the upbeat, surprising, sometimes humorous stories of their toddlers, grade-schoolers, tweens and teens. All parents can relate.
Every parent has moments with their kids, that they wish they'd been better prepared to handle. If they'd only known. This cleverly designed book published in conjunction with Focus on the Family shares heartwarming and vulnerable experiences from well-known moms and dads. Readers will love the upbeat, surprising, sometimes humorous stories of their toddlers, grade-schoolers, tweens and teens. All parents can relate.
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Overview
Every parent has moments with their kids, that they wish they'd been better prepared to handle. If they'd only known. This cleverly designed book published in conjunction with Focus on the Family shares heartwarming and vulnerable experiences from well-known moms and dads. Readers will love the upbeat, surprising, sometimes humorous stories of their toddlers, grade-schoolers, tweens and teens. All parents can relate.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781617951381 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Worthy |
| Publication date: | 10/01/2012 |
| Sold by: | Hachette Digital, Inc. |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 192 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
The Best Advice I Ever Got on Parenting
By Jim Daly
WORTHY PUBLISHING
Copyright © 2012 Focus on the FamilyAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-61795-138-1
CHAPTER 1
Parenting with Grace
Tim and Darcy Kimmel
Sometimes the best advice we get isn't about what to do, but rather what not to do.
Picture this: you're sitting in church with your family. The pianist is playing some quiet background music. The senior pastor and worship leader are in a side room just off the platform. Both have on their wireless microphones, but there are three things these men don't realize:
1. Their microphones are hot.
2. The techie who's supposed to be manning the sound booth is nowhere to be found.
3. The volume on their microphones is turned up.
What you overhear goes something like this: light banter ... some final instructions ... then one of them making a critical observation about the other. That person fires back a caustic putdown. This is trumped by a toxic insult, accented with profanity. The best you can figure, it sounds like it's the senior pastor who makes the first physically aggressive move—shoving the worship leader into a wall. The worship leader responds with a haymaker that drops the pastor to his knees. Not to be outdone, your dear, sweet pastor lunges forward, toppling the worship leader to the floor, and then you listen in as these two pillars of your church cuss, bite, kick, punch, and knee each other into oblivion.
Meanwhile, the pianist plays on.
Finally, some big guys from the choir head through the door, pull the two apart, calm them down, and help them quickly put their disheveled clothing and hair back into place. The side door opens ... and the pastor and worship leader enter as if nothing had happened. The pastor peeks inside his Bible to make a quick, last-minute review of his sermon notes as the worship leader moves to the podium, inviting the congregation to join voices in a powerful song of praise to God.
So, what's your next move? Most likely, you look around the auditorium and count your options. There are six of them. Exit signs, that is. So you grab your Bible, pick the closest exit, and head through it as quickly as possible—refusing to look back. One thing's certain: you never, ever want to hear another spiritual insight from these two men again.
OUR EXPECTATIONS
"But," you may ask, "can't pastors have a bad day?" Of course they can, but this was more than a slip of the tongue or a flare of temper. "But," you might then point out, "this is one of the best worship and teaching teams in our community. They always draw a crowd." you may attempt to rationalize their behavior based on their crowd appeal, but your kids—ex officio members of the postmodern "Don't tell me; show me" generation—will have nothing of it.
The most important reason why these men had, with their words and actions, discredited themselves and forfeited their right to be heard is the role they play in the lives of their congregation. They're in a "character profession." People don't hold the same measuring stick up to pastors, worship leaders, lay leaders, and missionaries that they use for almost everyone else. Instead, these people lift up the Bible and proclaim, "Thus sayeth the Lord." Church members know their leaders aren't perfect and don't expect them to be. But church members very much expect their leaders to generally live according to what they teach and what they say they stand for. Such is the cost of being in a character profession.
THE CONNECTION BETWEEN FAITH AND PRACTICE
Well, guess what? Parenting is also a character profession!
Dads and moms are the pastors of the smallest churches out there. In fact, the best definition we've ever heard for a family is "the domestic church." If you are a follower of Jesus, you're a point person for your kids. You hold up the Bible for them, and throughout their childhood, you say, "Thus sayeth the Lord." your kids know you're not perfect (hey, they live with you!), but your kids do expect you to generally live according to what you say you believe and to maintain the standards you have established for them.
It should come as no surprise that kids have a difficult time embracing a faith that we parents preach but refuse to practice. Further, we can't fool ourselves into believing that there isn't a direct connection between what we model for our kids and what they ultimately embrace as a way of life for themselves.
As parents we must never forget that our microphones are always hot. We simply can't have huge discrepancies between our Sunday suit and our Monday through Saturday lifestyle. Cheat anyone out of anything—be it something tangible or something intangible, such as taking credit for someone else's efforts—and don't be taken aback when your kids cheat in school. Let video games and Facebook run your life, and don't be surprised that they master your kids' lives too. Speak disrespectfully to each other or about someone else, and assume you'll hear the same attitude coming back at you.
Dad, make cheap or lewd comments about the professional cheerleaders who dance across the TV screen at half-time or, Mom, live for the next installment of TV's version of soft sexual fantasy shows, then don't be surprised when your teenage son or daughter goes looking for the wrong kind of love in the wrong kind of places. Our kids' behavior reflects the very things that the most influential people in their lives—Dad and Mom—value most.
Keep in mind too that not only can our disrespectful way of treating others backfire on us, but it can also sabotage our relationship with our kids. In fact, we parents can cause many of our children to wonder whether our spiritual values are even worth embracing.
Fortunately God, who is a Father Himself, laid a path for us when it comes to our children. He knew that we'd struggle as parents and that we'd sometimes get it wrong. That's why God put everything on the line on our behalf—and not because we deserved it. It was because it was our only hope. God reached out to people who have minds of their own and long lists of failures, and He rescued us. It's called grace! And without God's grace, we don't have a prayer for our parenting efforts.
GRACE-BASED PARENTING
Grace encompasses everything good about God's plan for humanity and is therefore the perfect context for raising our kids. We call it "grace-based parenting," and it is profoundly simple: treat your kids the way God treats His kids—with grace. Grace-based parenting is an others-oriented/others-first relationship strategy that encourages and equips dads and moms for their character profession.
We'd like to share a practical and very effective way we ensured that our kids experienced grace in our home. It was grounded in our desire that our sons and daughters never suffered due to our shortcomings and mistakes: we gave them the freedom to be candid with us.1 Our children must have the freedom to tell us what's weighing heavy on their hearts—even if it's something we've done that ticked them off or, in their opinion, an example of our not practicing what we preach. In the Kimmel home, both of us parents figured out early on that we were capable of doing things that irritated and hurt our children. We didn't want the root of bitterness to find its way into the soil of our children's souls (Hebrews 12:15). That's when we instituted "What's your Beef?" nights.
WHAT'S YOUR BEEF?
The first part was simple. Each of the children could order anything they wanted off the Kimmel menu. If one wanted Chinese; another, Mexican; another, Italian; and the fourth, ribs, it was no problem thanks to the miracle of fast food.
The next part was harder but critical to the effectiveness of this night. We would let each child tell us anything we had said or done that embarrassed, disappointed, or hurt him. But here was the key: we couldn't defend or explain our words or actions. All we could do was sincerely say that we were sorry and ask for forgiveness.
It was often painful to hear things we'd done, either intentionally or unwittingly, that had caused our boys and girls hurt or sorrow. But it was a relief for all of us that these things didn't have to maintain their toxic position within our relationship. It's what people in a character profession do: we take responsibility for our actions and ask for forgiveness.
As our children got older, an interesting phenomenon evolved. They assumed they had the freedom to share what was on their hearts anytime they needed to. Our kids would occasionally pull us aside and say something like, "Dad/Mom, may I have a private 'What's your Beef?' moment with you?" As we look back, we see those moments as gifts to our family's closeness and some of the most powerful opportunities we had to model God's grace to our kids. (By the way, as time went on, we needed to have the meetings only three or four times a year.)
GETTING A SECOND CHANCE
We parents—who are, by definition, in a character profession—don't always get it right. But our God of grace is the God of the second chance, the clean slate, the new day. No matter how old our children are, we need to jump at that second chance to receive God's grace and then extend it to our children.
Here are a few encouragements to get you started on that second chance:
• Develop a fresh relationship with God. In Psalm 51:10, David prayed, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."
• Don't be passive. Take the initiative to clean the slate between you and your kids.
• If family forgiveness is an ongoing struggle, talk to someone and get help for your specific problem.
• Maintain an attitude of brokenness, forgiveness, and responsibility for your actions when it comes to your children.
Basically, it all comes down to parenting the way our heavenly Father parents us. With His guidance and blessing, we are to treat our kids the way God treats His: with grace.
CHAPTER 2A Child's Number-One Influence
Dr. Kevin Leman
One spring several years ago, Bill Cosby and I were in Oklahoma City together to share in a presentation about preventing violence. Before the program, I spent a half hour alone with Cosby backstage. After a while, our talk turned to the topic of the evening—the influence of families on today's youth.
Cosby, whose son had been violently murdered, wanted to know my thoughts about what is happening to families in our society. The answer we discussed backstage emerged time and again that evening in our interaction with the audience: parents—not drugs, not movies, not peer groups—are a child's number-one influence.
That conclusion came as no surprise to me. Although we complain about all the influences on a child's life, we parents are what make the difference. More than any aspect of today's culture, your words, your silence, your presence, your absence, your example—both good and bad—all matter more in the life of your child than you may ever realize.
NINE PARENTING MYTHS
There are, however, nine myths about parenting that are prevalent in our culture today and that can sabotage our best efforts. See how many you've bought in to—probably without even realizing they aren't true.
Myth No. 1: "It's not the quantity of time with my kids that matters; it's the quality."
"Great news!" a husband calls to his wife as he heads out the front door with his golf clubs slung over his shoulder. "The Smiths have agreed to videotape Clovis's piano recital while I'm on the course with the new client. I'll be back this evening to tuck Clovis in!"
Trust me: when nervous little Clovis looks into the audience before his recital and sees the reflecting glass of the video-camera lens instead of his father's caring eyes, it's not going to be much consolation. Dad doesn't realize that although he may have felt he was there, his absence felt like a huge black hole for Clovis. It was a screaming statement of noninterest and poor priorities.
Generally speaking, the more your child spends time with you, the more stability and less uncertainty there will be in his life. This doesn't mean you should make your child the center of the universe, but your regular physical and emotional presence, even in small ways, makes a big difference. Quality time does not make up for quantity time. If you believe that myth, then you're doing so to rationalize your own selfish behavior. For a child, the quantity of time you spend together is part of what makes it a quality experience.
Myth No. 2: "I'm a good parent if I make many sacrifices for my child."
I was on the phone with one seven-year-old's parents. They'd given their son the world. Unfortunately, he was relishing his role as a tyrannical little Julius Caesar. They'd given him every opportunity on the face of the earth and even prepared him for one or two beyond—space camp, for example, when he was only four years old. They couldn't understand why their son, rather than embracing the ambitions of a future astronaut, was hatching into a little alien. In school he didn't finish any work, and at home he was beginning to mouth off to Mom and Dad. As I talked with them, it quickly became evident that the problem wasn't that they'd been uninvolved in his life. Instead, they'd overdone it.
Fully half of the parents who've walked through my counseling door have overparented—either because of perfectionist expectations or simply because they've been revolving around their child as if she were the center of the family's universe.
When you overparent, you weaken your child's self-image, often suffocating her to the point that she comes to believe she can't do anything without your help. Some parents think they're sacrificing when they overparent. What they're really doing, though, is hovering.
Imagine a hovering boss with impossibly high standards. After a few months of working for him, you'd sink into your chair when his shadow crossed your shoulder. You'd dread new projects. A hovering boss's attitude says, "you'll fail without my constant supervision." The "sacrificing" perfectionist parent sends the same message.
Overdo it enough and you'll reinforce habits you don't want to instill in your child. After all, children are born thinking about me, me, me. It's your job as a parent to help them begin to consider others before themselves. You don't want to create habits that last into your child's graduate-school education or marriage.
Myth No. 3: "Children should be free to express themselves any way they want."
My wife, Sande, and I were in a restaurant with a woman we hadn't seen in years. She'd brought her two little boys with her, and they were cuter than cute—the kind you'd find in a breakfast-cereal commercial. But like stereotypical child stars, they were unmanageable. The four-year-old was clearly trained in torture techniques. He began digging his fingernails into my leg under the table. Perhaps it was my contorted face that caused Mommy to try to divert his attention. In response, he started hitting her. "Oh, that's boys for you!" the woman said as she tickled her son to make light of his behavior. Lady, I thought, boys are different from girls. But boys and girls alike need discipline!
All kids need lines drawn in the sand to know what is simply not acceptable. I'm all for nurturing kids' personalities and gifts, but boundaries have to be drawn. Kids draw strength, stability, and self-esteem from boundaries, because boundaries help define what is safe and what isn't. Whenever kids take the reins, families end up in a mess. Yes, when their parents finally set boundaries, kids who have been in control will be unhappy and then test them. But as I say in my book Have a New Kid by Friday, "An unhappy child is a healthy child." If your kids have been in control, it's time to stand up and be a parent!
Myth No. 4: "My child deserves the things I didn't have growing up, the things most kids today have."
When our daughter Lauren decided to try out for the school softball team, we didn't jump in and drop hundreds of dollars on the latest equipment and lessons with a softball pro to get her through the tryouts. She used her older sister's mitt, and since there was already enough aluminum leaning against the dugout walls to build an entire house, we figured she didn't need to own a bat.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Best Advice I Ever Got on Parenting by Jim Daly. Copyright © 2012 Focus on the Family. Excerpted by permission of WORTHY PUBLISHING.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Introduction Jim Daly,Chapter 1: Parenting with Grace Tim and Darcy Kimmel,
Chapter 2: A Child's Number-One Influence Dr. Kevin Leman,
Chapter 3: "It Was Like He'd Never Existed" Gary Thomas,
Chapter 4: Reassuring Your Kids of Your Love Shaunti Feldhahn,
Chapter 5: Know Your Kids! Dannah Gresh,
Chapter 6: Talking to Your Kids About Sex Ted Cunningham,
Chapter 7: Setting Up Your Child to Succeed Amy and Michael Smalley,
Chapter 8: The Joys of Ditch Digging Fern Nichols,
Chapter 9: Joy That Money Can't Buy Randy Alcorn,
Chapter 10: Garden-Variety Parenting Phil and Heather Joel,
Chapter 11: Our Godly Pediatrician's Best Advice Gary Smalley,
Chapter 12: Learn! Cynthia Ulrich Tobias,
Chapter 13: Let's Faith-Talk! Mark A. Holmen,
Chapter 14: Parenting from the Inside Out Vicki Courtney,
Chapter 15: Kids May Hear What You Say, But They Believe What You Do Jerry B. Jenkins,
Chapter 16: The Challenge of Parenting as a Team Juli Slattery,
Chapter 17: The Truth Concerning Children—and the Truth Concerning Marriage John Rosemond,
Chapter 18: The Greatest of These Is Love Stormie Omartian,
Chapter 19: Be the Parent! Mark and Jill Savage,