The Divorce Hacker's Guide to Untying the Knot: What Every Woman Needs to Know about Finances, Child Custody, Lawyers, and Planning Ahead
296
The Divorce Hacker's Guide to Untying the Knot: What Every Woman Needs to Know about Finances, Child Custody, Lawyers, and Planning Ahead
296eBook
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Overview
What women often face in a divorce: Feelings of loss, grief, and rage are common during divorce. But one of the most debilitating feelings women going through divorce experience is paralyzing impotence. While a woman may act forcefully to protect her children during the process, she is less likely to be as vigilant about her own well-being. Sadly, many divorce professionals ─ lawyers, mediators, forensic accountants, and therapists ─ prey upon women who are dealing with this life-changing experience.
Enter family law attorney Ann E. Grant: Ann Grant, author of The Divorce Hacker’s Guide to Untying the Knot, began her career as a corporate litigator specializing in unfair business practices and consumer fraud. After her divorce, she created her own firm, focusing on family law and a holistic approach to this life transition. She lives and practices in Manhattan Beach, California.
“My purpose is to help you not just survive divorce, but to obtain what you need to thrive as you begin to create your new story.” In The Divorce Hacker’s Guide to Untying the Knot, Ann Grant will help you take back your power by clarifying your rights concerning finances, home, children, and work life. She does this with a combination of empathy and practicality, recognizing how difficult some actions may be. Her step-by-step assessments, checklists, and to-do lists are always broken down and made manageable. Grant’s goal is to give readers what she provides her clients: Insider information that will not only make their divorce “successful” but also establish their own lives firmly and successfully on a positive, fresh new standing.
- Take action
- Learn what you need to know
- Take back your power
- And, create a new and better life
If you have read Divorce Poison, A Parent’s Guide to Divorce, or Putting Children First, you will want to read The Divorce Hacker’s Guide to Untying the Knot.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781608685615 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | New World Library |
| Publication date: | 08/20/2018 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 296 |
| Sales rank: | 912,370 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Preparing to Get What You Need
"A crisis is a gift, an opportunity, and perhaps a manifestation that life loves us, by beckoning us to go beyond the dance we presently perform."
— Leslie Lebeau
As soon as you learn that your marriage is in trouble, take some key steps to protect yourself. While you may be hoping that things will work out, there is simply no substitute for being prepared in the event that they don't. Do not be lulled into complacency if you are working with a marriage counselor or clergy in an effort to save your marriage; don't expect that things will somehow magically get better if you wait long enough for your husband to "come around." While it's fine to hope for the best, you need to prepare for the worst.
In the legal system, knowledge is power and money is key. Set aside money and gather information now, before you or your husband file for divorce, so that you are in the driver's seat when it happens. Once the divorce is filed, everyone retreats to their separate corners, and it becomes much more difficult and costly to obtain the information and the money you need. The odds are high that, if your husband is anticipating divorce, he is already taking action to prevent you from accessing your money. I see this happen in virtually every divorce case I handle.
I had a client, Cecilia, who is a perfect case in point. Cecilia fell in love with Jeff, a handsome professional athlete, and they married when she was young. She became pregnant shortly after they married, and since Jeff traveled frequently with his team, she stayed home with first one baby, then two. When Jeff's career as a player ended, he became a coach for a professional sports team in Los Angeles. He made good money, and their family had a great life. Cecilia didn't have to work and devoted herself to raising the kids and enjoying the perks of being a coach's wife.
But then came the signs and the alarm bells — which Cecilia chose to ignore. Even after Jeff left the home and was openly having an affair with another woman, Cecilia believed that everything would be fine and that Jeff would "do the right thing." She remained in denial, hoping that Jeff would return to the family. Despite all the signs that her marriage was ending, Cecilia did nothing to prepare for the inevitable, until it all came to a screeching halt. One day, Cecilia and the kids arrived home from dinner while Jeff was traveling with the team. When they pulled into the garage, they found it empty. Their teenage son's Jeep was gone. They frantically called the police. Only after the police located Jeff, driving the Jeep, did the family realize what had happened: Jeff had returned early from the trip, loaded the Jeep with his belongings, cleaned out the joint checking account, and taken off. When Cecilia arrived at my office, she had $238 in her bank account. Jeff had taken over $300,000 from the joint account and transferred it to a separate account of his own — so she couldn't hire a lawyer.
In my work, Cecilia's story is not an isolated incident. Inevitably, as I unwind each woman's story, I find that financial infidelity often accompanies sexual infidelity. And virtually every woman is stunned to discover this. Don't let this happen to you. Take the following steps now to protect yourself and your children, and do not be naïve. Your husband may have pledged to look out for your best interests financially and otherwise during your marriage, but when your marriage is in trouble, it is up to you to arm yourself with money and information so that you have an edge. These are the first steps to take control of your future.
DIVORCE HACKS
Get Money Wise
You will need funds to retain a lawyer and support yourself for several months until you can either negotiate support or obtain a court order. Take these steps to set aside the financial resources you need.
Open a bank account in your name
Open this account at a different bank than the one where you and your husband share a joint account.
Set aside money for living expenses and to hire an attorney
Did you know that you can take half the money out of your joint account and put it in a separate account in your own name if you live in one of the nine community-property states like California? You may not want to take out half the money all at once because it will alert your spouse to your intentions, and it may cause checks to bounce. At first, take out smaller amounts and put them in your new account, so that when the time comes, you can hire an attorney and cover your living costs for several months.
Secure your assets
During a divorce, I've seen valuable wine collections disappear, coin collections go missing, and money evaporate. Do not be surprised when your husband tells the judge that he has no idea what happened to the silver coins your grandfather left you — and the judge shrugs and moves on. Take steps now to protect what is yours; remove or hide valuable items. It is much easier to return items you have removed in order to protect them than it is to locate items someone else has spirited away.
Check your credit score
You need to build your own credit. Few numbers in life matter as much to your financial outlook and well-being as your credit score (known as the FICO score). A good credit score is crucial for financial success. It is one factor used by lenders to determine your creditworthiness for a mortgage, loan, or credit card. Your score can affect whether you are approved for credit and the interest rate you are charged. Prospective employers often check your credit score when you interview for a job. It is important to know what your credit score is and to improve it if it's not in the "good" range.
The three major credit-reporting agencies are Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion. You need to check your score with each agency because your score may differ between them. This is because some lenders report to all three credit agencies, but others do not. Since your credit report can contain errors that adversely affect your score, you need to check all three to make certain that they are accurately reporting. Further, in 2017, Equifax suffered a major data breach, so if you have a credit report with them, check out the Federal Trade Commission's website for what to do.
You can easily access your score online for free and track your credit-building progress on sites such as CreditKarma.com or AnnualCreditReport.com. A "good" credit score is generally considered to be 720 or higher. Lenders, however, have different standards for what they consider to be a good credit score, and so it is important to keep building your score to receive the most favorable interest rates and the highest rates of credit approval. Later, I'll provide concrete tips for building your credit. For now, simply take the first step to find out what your credit score is.
Open two credit cards in your own name
You need to be the primary cardholder on at least two credit cards, if possible. You can have a wallet full of credit cards, but if your husband is the primary cardholder and you are the secondary, he can cancel those cards without your permission. So get at least two cards in your name now, while you can use your combined credit score to get approved. Once you are divorced, it may be harder to get credit in your own name if you don't have substantial income of your own.
Copy Financial Documents
When you meet with your attorney, he or she will ask for your financial documents. Save yourself time and money by collecting these documents now.
Gather and copy all financial documents, even those in your spouse's name
Copy anything with a dollar sign attached to it, such as bank accounts, investments, and retirement plans. Many women tell me their husband insists he is going to keep "his" 401K or pension. Wrong. If you live in a community-property state, half of any pension or retirement fund earned by your husband during the marriage is yours. If you live in an equitable property state, you are entitled to your fair share of his 401K or pension. Here is a checklist of documents your lawyer will want when you meet:
• Employment information: Paycheck stubs for you and your spouse for the last twelve months (or at least the last three months to the current date).
• Tax returns: Include the last three years of state and federal income tax returns.
• Pension and retirement programs: Copies of 401Ks, investment programs, stock, stock options, and bonds provided through the employer for you and/or your spouse.
• Insurance: Documents regarding insurance provided through the employer for you and/or your spouse.
• Real property: Deeds showing the legal description of any real property owned individually or jointly with your spouse, escrow papers from the time of purchase, current mortgage statements, current real property tax statements, homeowners or fire insurance policies on all real properties, and tax assessor's statements.
• Stock portfolio: List of corporate stocks and/or stock certificates owned by you and your spouse, individually or jointly, and the name and address of stock broker(s).
• Cars, boats, trailers: Copies of pink and registration slips, encumbrance (what's owed), and monthly payments.
• Life insurance: Current policies with statements of any loans against them.
• Promissory notes and/or deeds of trust: Copies of such records that name you and your spouse as beneficiaries.
• Credit cards and loans: Credit cards; creditor's statements showing names, address, account numbers, and balances presently owed, plus creditor's statements showing balances owed at separation date; financial statements of net worth prepared by you or your spouse to secure bank loans or for any other purpose; and any other information that will help establish your net worth individually or jointly, for you and your spouse.
• Household furniture and furnishings: Take pictures of significant items with your opinion of the estimated value. You may be asked to list those items that you wish to keep and those that you wish to give to your spouse.
• Bank or credit union accounts: Most recent statements showing balances, particularly at date of separation, held in individual or joint names, savings passbooks, and certificates of deposit.
• Wills or trusts
• Written agreements: Premarital written agreements with spouse.
If your spouse owns a business, copy financial information about the business
You must prove your husband's income to obtain support, and it is more difficult to establish cash flow for a spouse who is self-employed than one who receives a W-2. If your spouse is self-employed, he will probably understate his earnings and overstate his business expenses to decrease what he owes in spousal and child support. Before the divorce is filed, obtain whatever information you can about the business and its finances. Your lawyer will want the following:
• Corporate or partnership federal and state income tax returns for the past three years.
• Copies of recent financial statements prepared to apply for credit or business loans of any kind.
Document your monthly budget for household expenses
Gather information on all household expenses, for you and your children, including mortgage/rent, property taxes, homeowner's fees, car payment, insurance (home, car, medical, and life), utilities, personal expenditures, travel, education expenses, health care, and so on — everything, in other words, that you spend to maintain your standard of living on a monthly basis. This information will determine the amount of child and spousal support you will receive or pay. I recommend that for expenses that fluctuate (like the water and gas bill), you gather expenditures over the past twelve months and divide each category by twelve. It is important to include everything, since once support is ordered, getting it modified is costly and time-consuming, and can only be accomplished in certain circumstances. For example, if you do not include the expense for the children's summer camps in your calculation before the divorce is final, you may have difficulty getting your ex-husband to share that expense after the divorce.
Know the Three Ways to Get Divorced
In order to get what you want in your divorce, it is imperative that you understand the different ways you can get divorced and select the best path for you. Understanding the pros and cons of each method will enable you to make an informed decision that will alleviate stress and save you time and money. There is a movement toward resolving divorce through mediation and collaboration, rather than litigation, which is generally a very good thing. However, if you take the mediation route, it is extremely important that you understand your rights, so that you get what you need and are legally entitled to. Many women enter mediation assuming their rights will be protected — but that is not the case if you are not represented by an attorney.
Recently I received a call from a panicked woman with four young children who finalized her divorce through the mediation process. In doing so, she gave away many of her rights just to obtain "peace." Right after the divorce was finalized, she learned that her husband had had another child with his girlfriend while the mediation was under way! She was furious and wanted to "undo" the divorce. But sadly, it was too late.
Consider the following ways to get divorced and decide which makes the most sense for you.
Mediation
In mediation, you and your spouse meet with a mediator (usually an attorney or a retired judge) who will help you work toward settling the issues in your divorce — property division; division of debts; spousal support; and custody, visitation, and child support if you have children. Mediation is a voluntary process where the parties work with a neutral mediator to try to resolve their disputes without court hearings or a trial. Mediators help the parties work out voluntary agreements that promote individual and common interests through understanding and cooperation. Mediation is generally less contentious, less expensive, and sometimes less time-consuming than obtaining a divorce through the legal system.
However, not every divorce can be mediated. A couple of prerequisites must be met for mediation to work. First, both you and your spouse must be able to set aside your emotions and treat the divorce like the dissolution of a business partnership. And second, you both must be willing to cooperate and compromise. If there is too much acrimony or either of you are unable to work cooperatively toward a reasonable compromise, then mediation will not work. If one person is incapable of being reasonable or is using the process to stall or to vent their emotions, then mediation is a waste of time. Sometimes the parties must blow off some steam before they can mediate; therefore, the timing of when to engage in mediation is very important.
The mediator's neutrality means she or he does not represent either you or your spouse. The mediator is looking for ways for both parties to compromise, to meet in the middle, and if either person is unwilling, mediation will probably not work.
Frequently, in divorces where the husband is the primary breadwinner, he is eager to mediate because he knows that if his spouse is not represented, he can wear her down through the negotiations. I am often sought out by husbands to advise them in advance of and during mediation to help them obtain what they want. Do not assume that the mediator is looking out for your best interests and that your husband is unrepresented. This can be a trap for the unwary.
Some mediators will have you and your spouse meet in the same room and work with you toward resolution. This process may be frustrating and nonproductive if you feel you cannot be in the same room as your spouse. As one client told me after dropping out of the mediation process, "If I could sit in a room with my husband and work things out, I wouldn't be getting divorced."
Mediation is completely voluntary. If the mediator makes recommendations that you do not agree with, you can stop the mediation and have an attorney represent you. Many couples try mediation because they assume it will be less costly and contentious, but for a variety of reasons, mediation can fail, and couples end up hiring attorneys to handle their divorce.
A common complaint is that the mediator is "ineffective" because she or he does not move the case along or push the other side to settle. Remember, the mediator is neutral and does not represent you or your spouse. Also, the mediator is looking for ways to get you and your spouse to compromise. Plus, since mediators do not go to court, if your spouse stalls as a tactic (which unfortunately happens often), there are no "teeth" to compel compliance or move things along. Many people find mediation to be frustrating, time-consuming, and expensive, and they end up hiring a lawyer when their divorce drags on indefinitely because their spouse refuses to settle and the mediator is powerless.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Divorce Hacker's Guide to Untying the Knot"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Ann E. Grant, JD.
Excerpted by permission of New World Library.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Introduction
Part 1: Take Control of Your Future
Chapter 1: Preparing to Get What You Need
Divorce Hacks
Get Money Wise
Copy Financial Documents
Know the Three Ways to Get Divorced
Build a Winning Team
Find a Lawyer
Consider Your Work Life
Handling Issues Concerning Your Children
Consider Your Living Situation
Familiarize Yourself with the Fair Market Value of Your Home
Create a Mindfulness Practice
Part 2: From Filing to Divorce Decree
Chapter 2: Taking Action
Divorce Hacks
File First
Regain Control if Your Husband Filed First
Retain Counsel
When to Utilize a Divorce Financial Planner
Establish and Build Your Credit
Be Your Own Boss
How and When to Tell Children You Are Divorcing
Check Alternative Housing Options in Your Area
Seek Help
Chapter 3: Setting the Tone
Divorce Hacks
Consider the Options Regarding Notifying Your Husband and Serving the Divorce Papers
Divorcing a Narcissist
Establishing the Marital Standard of Living
Consider Working Remotely
Be the Grown Up
Considering What to Do About the Family Home
Essentials v. Nonessentials
Chapter 4: Digging In
Divorce Hacks
Preparing Your Financial Disclosures
Handling a Bullying Partner During Your Divorce
How to Handle the Suddenly Income Deficient Spouse (SIDS_
Vocational Examination
Deciding What to Do About the Family Home
How to Handle the Child Who is Acting Out
Moving Through the Grieving Process During Divorce
Chapter 5: Getting What You Need
Divorce Hacks
Temporary Support
Attorney Fees
Social Media
Parenting Plan
Handling Your Emotions When Selling Your Home
Gratitude
Chapter 6: Settlement
Divorce Hacks
Negotiate from a Position of Strength
Mediation
Forensic Accountants
Get to Work
Parenting Plan
Get Appraised
Radical Acceptance
Chapter 7: Taking Charge
Divorce Hacks
Take Control of Your Finances
Preparation of the Final Divorce Decree
Qualified Domestic Relations Order (“QDRO”)
Crank Up the Income
How to Handle the New Girlfriend
Downsizing
Grit
Part 3: Starting Fresh
Chapter 8: Moving Forward
Divorce Hacks
Organize Your Financial Affairs
After the Divorce Decree is Final, How to Avoid Ending Up Back in Court
Launch Your Own Business
Effective Single Parenting
At Home in Your Home
Be Better, Not Bitter
Conclusion
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Index