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CHAPTER 1
THE SINISTER MINISTER
I'm in Luton airport, and the guy on security is rummaging through my bag. He keeps squeezing and prodding stuff. Checking if my pants are ticking or if my toothpaste contains a nerve agent. He asks me where I'm off to. Finally! I've been hoping he would ask that because I get punch-the-air excited when anybody does. I beam at him and I say, all chipper, "I'm going on holiday."
"Yes, but where to?"
[mental drum roll] "Transylvania!"
He drops the toothpaste, frowns, then eyes me up and down. "Really?"
"Yep."
"It's a real place?"
"Course! It's in Romania."
"You're going to vampire land?" He tilts his head. "On holiday?"
I want to slap my hands together like a sea lion. "I'm staying in a spooky old Saxon village. It's gonna be amazing."
He does something next that I've seen other people do in this situation: he slowly glances at my wife, as if she'll explain this anomaly. It's not like he's found cocaine in my bag, or a severed limb. He's not horrified by me, but I can tell he's confused. My wife shrugs: "He likes morbid stuff, and he's wanted to go since he was a kid." She looks apologetic. "It's his 40th birthday present."
His eyebrows spring up. "Yes, but why on earth would anybody want to go there?"
To be honest, it's the same reaction I've had from most people this last month, when I've told them where I'm headed for five days. I say the five-syllable word and they do a double take ... Transylvania. They don't exactly cross themselves and stumble backwards, like the gasping, creeped-out innkeepers from the first ten minutes of a Hammer Horror movie, but it's close. A mate of mine had a similar frown last week. All he could say was: "Why? Is Benidorm shut?" Another told me about her upcoming break in France, and when I mentioned my trip she burst out laughing, right in my face. "Wow, Peter," she said. "You are so weird."
I'm used to these sorts of looks. Like when folks come round my house and see my home office; they can't avoid the huge vintage drive-in posters of 70s movies like Dracula's Dog (1978) and Nightwing (1979). Or my badass Grizzly (1976) poster that screams 18ft of Gut-Munching Fury! Or maybe they spot my bookshelf, which is bulging with titles like Dreadful Pleasures, Ghoul Britannia and Everyone Loves a Good Train Wreck. Maybe they spot my signed collection of the complete soundtrack to all of the Friday the 13th movies (about a guy in a hockey mask who chops up teenagers), or if they're really observant, they might recognise a chunk of stone that I nicked from a supposedly haunted church, famous for grave desecrations in the 60s. I have a piece of it on my window sill. Next to that are the original storyboards from an 80s horror movie called The Mutilator (1985). And piles of magazines and books with real-life tales of the paranormal.
When guests see these morbid items, as I politely take their coats and offer them Earl Grey, they sometimes give me a look that says: Is it wise to accept this tea?
I've had the you're-a-bit-kooky glance a fair bit because I've loved creepy and macabre things pretty much my whole life. And by that I mean I've really loved them. The dark, the mysterious, the weird, the scary, they're valuable to me. They matter. I reckon if you slice my brain open, there'd be a whole section dedicated to the gothic and strange. Or more likely it's threaded all over, like when you spill coffee on your laptop and it gets everywhere.
One of the earliest places I noticed my love of the dark side was at theme parks. I'd always slap open the map and search for the ghost train first. The big rollercoasters? The thrill rides? I skipped them, because I get spectacularly motion sick. I braved the waltzer once just to impress a girl and ended up puking on her shoulder and chest. Yet I'll giddily push through cobwebs and hanging fake tarantulas in a fright ride because it clicks a pleasure switch in me that I don't always understand; I just know that it's there.
When Halloween comes around, I'm the fella in the supermarket lurking in the tacky novelty fang aisle. I'm trying on masks and chasing my squealing kids down the ready-meal section. I've got this compulsion to squeeze and prod every single prop to see if it makes a ghostly scream or a blood-thinning cackle. Often I set them all off at once, just so I can unleash 30 wailing witches through an otherwise jolly store.
My humour cortex has a little horror spilled on it too. I saw a photo the other day of a plastic baby-changing unit, one of those drop-down ones you get in public toilets. Somebody had written on it: PLACE SACRIFICE HERE. I'm not exactly "pro" baby sacrifice, but man, I laughed hard at that. When I showed it to others, they looked at me like I was insane. Which made me chuckle even more. So I looked even ... um ... insane-er.
Yeah, I'm that guy.
In the car, I sometimes listen to electro, sometimes kitsch lounge music — the type you'd hear in a 70s supermarket. And sometimes I even listen to normal everyday music that plays on low-number radio stations. But often it's the soundtrack to films like Creepshow (1982) or Tenebrae (1982), Don't Look Now (1973) or Pet Sematary (1989). And as the violins squeal (minor chords, naturally) I'm popping to the shops or doing the school run. Not feeling glum or depressed at all, just living my life like everybody else, only threading it with a little spook.
Now, other fans of the morbid don't have any issue with this at all. They slip into the passenger seat, hear the music and say, Wow! This is The Omen soundtrack, cool. But let me be frank, and perhaps obvious: most other people don't say "wow" or "cool." When they gather in my kitchen for my 40th birthday and see the cake has meticulous icing replicating the hotel carpet from Stanley Kubrick's 1980 film The Shining (complete with sugary axe embedded in the centre) they say Oh yeah, you like those things don't you? And there's a nervy little twitch behind the awkward smile. A flicker that makes a statement: Maybe it's not just odd to love morbid culture, maybe it's odder than odd. Maybe it's twisted, dangerous even, to be so into the dark side of life.
Thing is though, I've been like this my whole life. I even remember the reports from my Parents' Evenings. They consisted of a lot of "yes ..., but ..." phrases from my teachers:
English: Yes he's good, but does every story have to have a werewolf in it?
Art: Yes, he tries hard, but aren't there other things he'd like to draw apart from skulls with chomping fangs? Plus, we're running out of red crayon.
Music: Yes, I appreciate he's teaching himself the glockenspiel, Mrs Laws, but he's eight and he's playing the theme from The Exorcist over and over. It's creeping Mrs Bates out.
My mum even says that when I was born (during a storm that blew the lights out, apparently — how ominously cool is that?) I grabbed a pair of scissors and held them aloft. She immediately decided I'd either be prime minster or a mass murderer. Thankfully, her bizarrely polarised prediction never came true, but, at the same time, I have always felt a bit different. But then, doesn't everybody? You probably feel odd sometimes, in those quiet moments in a coffee shop when you wonder if you're the only person in town listening to that piece of music, reading that particular book, thinking that specific thought.
Some people use culture to make them laugh, others only watch tearjerkers that'll guarantee a good cry. I'll take those too — I'll happily watch a romcom. But my heart beats fastest when I read a spooky tale of hauntings or watch a scary movie, or when I sit on a plane that's slicing through the clouds towards Transyl-bloody-vania! My wife Joy sits next to me. She's watching some BBC crime drama on her tablet while I devour The Bedside, Bathtub & Armchair Companion to "Dracula." I'm reading a wild fact about the real Dracula (and national hero) Vlad the Impaler. He once nailed turbans to the skulls of a group of Turks because they refused to take them off in his presence. He got all sarcastic and said, "I'll help you keep your custom," and then the whacking began. It's a barbaric incident, and I despise real-life violence, yet for some reason my brain notes the long passage of time since this incident happened, then files the story under "cool'.
Saying that out loud probably sets warning bells off in some people's heads. For example, I recently read about a vintage issue of Cosmopolitan magazine which told women that the "video store" was a great place to meet men ... unless they were in the horror aisle. In which case, such a man would obviously have "questionable feelings about women" and would be clearly, "a man to avoid'.
Is that really what people think? Is it what you think — that there's a monster crouching inside me, waiting to unzip my chest and climb right out? And what about the other fans of the macabre, the millions scattered across living rooms, trains and airport terminals, libraries and swimming pool loungers, watching or reading grisly forensic crime dramas, or playing out ghostly visitations or murder in video games? Are all these people death-obsessed freaks? Violent time bombs, even?
I'm especially conscious that people's frowns deepen when they hear my profession. I might be wrong, but I suspect that it's this that makes people think I'm really off base.
You see, I love darkness, but I'm also a church minister.
* * *
We've landed in the Transylvanian city of Sibiu.
The airport has strip lights, clean floors and industrial strength hand dryers which shine little blue lights on my wrists before trying to blow all the skin off. It's like any other airport I've been in. I'm not sure what I expected really: large oak doors creaking open? A shuffling hunchbacked man with a sheet over his arm, holding a candelabra and grunting: Passport, sir? Did sir pack his satchel hisself, sir?
I'm not disappointed though, because as we're collecting our bags from the conveyor belt all I keep thinking is: I'm in Transylvania, I'm in Transylvania. I catch Joy's gaze. She winks at me. This is a cosmic wormhole away from her ideal holiday. She'd rather be on a city break, eating fish in a glam restaurant, but she knows this matters. She understands that I have a bucket list like anybody else, only mine's scrawled with Gothic swirls and thunderbolts.
There are supposed to be three other English couples on the same trip as us, but we haven't seen them yet. I start scanning the crowd looking for people who look like they'd choose scary castles over poolside karaoke. There's no guy with studded boots and a long leather jacket striding about; no top-hatted pseudo-Goth, creeping to the Coke machine in a "dark and epic" way. Everyone just looks normal. But that's the thing about us fright fans. We can blend in. Some of us even wear fleeces. We lurk in unexpected places.
We brush past the rest of the world on the Tube; we write prescriptions in the doctor's office; we help kids finger-paint at pre-school; and we serve skinny lattes with dainty sprinkles. We clean public toilets, and we own multinational corporations. You'll even find us wandering the corridors of power and running the country, like the Conservative MP John Whittingdale. During his time as Culture Secretary, he admitted that he liked "really nasty films'.
Whittingdale cited stuff like Eli Roth's Hostel (1985), which is a pretty brutal movie. One scene has a Dutch businessman cheerfully drilling holes into the legs and chest of an American backpacker. Then the Dutchman slices the guy's Achilles tendons, followed by his throat. It's a film that centres on lingering, protracted violence. But get this: Whittingdale didn't admit to watching this stuff after some sort of police sting on his property. He wasn't contrite about it. He happily admitted his morbid tastes to a newspaper journalist, and the public didn't seem that bothered — perhaps because so many of them had gone to see the film themselves. It was a multiplex hit, across the world. The fact that a high-profile politician can publicly admit he's into films like this, without being socially lynched, suggests that we're living in a world where even extreme horror is slipping into the mainstream.
Take Halloween, for example, Christmas for spooky folks. It's more popular today than ever. I grew up in the 1980s, in the North East of England. Back then I'd be lucky to find a set of glow-in-the-dark fangs in a high-street shop. I'd trawl the streets searching for Halloween masks, but it'd always be those crappy plastic ones with the twangy white elastic. They came in three flavours: Witch, Frankenstein's Monster and Dracula (or the Mummy if you found a really swanky place). Yet the plastic would often crack apart, and it'd cut lines into your cheek. It felt less like Halloween and more like "the annual strapping of a margarine tub to your face'.
But there was another world, a horror Shangri-La: the seaside town of Blackpool and its joke shops. I stood in one of them during a break at Pontin's Holiday Camp, when I was ten. The shop had this amazing latex werewolf mask hanging from a high hook, with crazy big fangs and a mass of wild grey hair. The type of get-up Michael Jackson might wear on a date. I was desperate to buy it, but the price was so high my parents nearly vomited. At £70 I couldn't blame them. Remember this was mid- 1980s money. Back then you could probably buy a hovercraft for that. As a British kid, I quickly learned that decent, morbid merchandise was a "speciality" product. A mailorder thing. It certainly wasn't mainstream.
Today though ... wow.
You can buy proper werewolf masks in Asda supermarket for twelve quid, along with a mahoosive range of screaming skulls, rubber knives and fake severed hands. As a kid I was so itchy for scares that I swapped a cardboard box full of rare comics for a single, floppy, chopped-off hand prop. That box could have probably paid my mortgage off these days, but it wasn't stupidity that made me do that deal, it was the era. In my hometown, fake severed limbs were rarer than a Sasquatch. Not anymore. Asda do a super-cool hand for £10, which crawls by itself. Tesco do a severed zombie's foot for £2.99! Morbid kitsch is a lot cheaper these days, and the reason for this is simple: demand. In 2015 Asda met this demand by tripling its stock of Halloween costumes. They upped their supplies of scary makeup by 60 per cent. Sainsbury's creepy costume stock went up 30 per cent that same year. UK marketing analysts have even claimed that Halloween is now the third biggest sales "event" for retailers — behind Christmas and Easter.
For some, just dressing up in white sheets and trick-or-treating doesn't cut it. Growing numbers want more intense, scarier Halloween experiences. Something's been quietly exploding these last few years in the tourism and leisure world that's not just scratching the world's horror itch, it's tearing it open and digging deep inside. Theme parks, farms and warehouses are being converted into seasonal horror houses so that visitors can crawl through pitch black mazes while live actors with fake knives hunt them down. This is the "Scare Attraction Industry', where people are paying real-life money to be petrified.
A few years ago, events like this would have been incredibly niche. These days, you could visit one and be back home for bedtime. The continual growth of the scare attraction industry means it's even breaking free from the Halloween season. Scare events are cropping up all year round, with names like "Night of the Killer Rabbit" at Easter, or "Jingle Hells" at Christmas.
I tried one in March called "The Pit." For £3 some bloke yanked a sack over my head and I was forced to clamber through a maze while people grabbed and pushed at my body. Unseen mouths of actors screamed into my ears, saying they were going to kill me. Two hissing women dragged me down saying, "Oooh, we like you. We're gonna keep you here ... forever!" To which I said, "At least buy me a drink first." It was all quite fun really, although I saw others come out of The Pit shaking and unable to speak. The same company helped organise much more extreme events like Survival: Cracked, where paying guests have their heads rammed into troughs of water and are force-fed slop. Yep, this is happening today. This is a thing.
Horror conventions are also on the rise. There used to be a time when Star Trek fans were the only ones who had those. Now events celebrating scary movies are cropping up all over the place. In May 2017, I was a presenter at the biggest one in the UK: HorrorCon in Sheffield. The place was rammed with thousands of fans over two days. There were constant streams of people lining up to pay big cash to get posters signed by sadistic onscreen killers. Merchandise tables sold teddy bears with entrails hanging out and severed witches' heads in glass bell jars, ready for the mantelpiece at home.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Frighteners"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Peter Laws.
Excerpted by permission of Skyhorse Publishing.
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