“Wherever I go, I am hit repeatedly by the same question: where can I read your monologues? It should be easy to find these little nuggets of knowledge.” Well, now it is.
In the past few years, Fox News host Greg Gutfeld has covered everything from crazed academics, to unhinged celebrities, to the wildest election in recent history on his shows The Five and The Greg Gutfeld Show. In The Gutfeld Monologues, he brings together his best and favorite monologues in this funny, unconventional collection for new and longtime fans alike. Scored through with marginal edits, scratch-outs, 20/20 hindsight, and up-to-the-minute commentary on what he got wrong, this book isn’t your typical anthology collection.
With his signature humor, wit, and insight, Greg explains it all in this memorable collection about some of our country’s most crucial—and not so crucial—modern moments.
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About the Author
Read an Excerpt
The Gutfeld Monologues
Now and Then, and All the Crap in Between
It’s a humbling experience to have written a book called How to be Right, and to then begin a new book by explaining how I got something wrong.
That something was, more precisely, the election of Donald Trump.
Granted, nearly every other living breathing human being got the 2016 election wrong. Hell, even Donald Trump himself wasn’t planning on winning, according to some sources. But I assumed Hillary had it wrapped up—as did Hillary herself, judging by her lethargic behavior. Instead of hitting the places that mattered, she chose to nosh with the most elite, out-of-touch person of them all, Gwyneth Paltrow—which is the equivalent of making out with fruit bats during a rabies outbreak.
But yes, I was wrong on the election.
But oddly right about it, too. How is that possible?
First, because I’m the one writing the book here. When you write a book—it’s absolutely amazing how right you can be, after the fact, about everything!
Note to young writers: The key to becoming a bestselling author is to never write something BEFORE something happens; always after. Good example: the Bible.
Second, I was exactly right on the issues that set the table for the most dramatic, surprising political story since Tracy Flick beat Paul Metzler by one vote at George Washington Carver High School in 1997. (Look it up.) For the past five to six years, on the hit television show The Five, I would deliver a monologue on the issue that I found most important on that particular day. In that monologue, I’d address why that issue was important, break it down, and offer, if not a solution, at least a new way to look at it—which is a solution in itself!
On rare occasions, I might have been wrong—but, like I said ten words ago—it was rare. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, a phrase I coined in the early 1970s.
My batting average was high, when you observe the repudiation of the previous eight years of governance before 2016. That repudiation was a reflection of the issues that I perceived as troubling during that period. I knew what was getting on the average American’s nerves (besides me), and it was stuff that the rest of the media ignored. That was mainly due to the fact that I know what gets on people’s nerves (for the most part, it’s me).
Donald Trump watched Fox News—so he had a firsthand look at the same stuff I was yakking about. I’m not saying he cribbed from me—I’m saying we were both on the same page on a lot of stuff. Not on all stuff—but on some of the big stuff.
Now, some of this introduction is going to feel a little like déjà vu, especially since Trump’s election may be the most revisited topic since the (alleged) moon landing.
But forgive me if we revisit it yet again.
Table of Contents
1 Identity Politics 27
2 Law and Order 45
3 Hollywood 84
4 Islamic Terror 141
5 The Environment 201
6 The Campus 231
7 The Sexes 272
Epilogue: This Is the End, My Friends 295