Every disorder is well documented, including common symptoms, causes, and treatment options, along with a handy quiz for easy self-diagnosis. And in case you can't tell whether or not you're losing it, each entry includes a sample inner monologue detailing the thought processes at play—because sometimes you don't know you're crazy until you see it in writing.
This humorous guide to the nuttiness within all of us will have even the most rational thinkers second-guessing their sanity.
Every disorder is well documented, including common symptoms, causes, and treatment options, along with a handy quiz for easy self-diagnosis. And in case you can't tell whether or not you're losing it, each entry includes a sample inner monologue detailing the thought processes at play—because sometimes you don't know you're crazy until you see it in writing.
This humorous guide to the nuttiness within all of us will have even the most rational thinkers second-guessing their sanity.
The Paranoid's Pocket Guide to Mental Disorders You Can Just Feel Coming On
208
The Paranoid's Pocket Guide to Mental Disorders You Can Just Feel Coming On
208eBook
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Overview
Every disorder is well documented, including common symptoms, causes, and treatment options, along with a handy quiz for easy self-diagnosis. And in case you can't tell whether or not you're losing it, each entry includes a sample inner monologue detailing the thought processes at play—because sometimes you don't know you're crazy until you see it in writing.
This humorous guide to the nuttiness within all of us will have even the most rational thinkers second-guessing their sanity.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780760366318 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | becker&mayer! books ISBN |
| Publication date: | 10/01/2019 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 208 |
| File size: | 6 MB |
About the Author
Dennis DiClaudio is a humor and fiction writer, and also an improvisational and sketch comedian. He has had plays produced for the New York International and Philadelphia Fringe Festivals, is an online writer for Comedy Central, and spent several years in the editorial department of Elsevier, one of the world's largest medical and scientific publishers. He is an expatriate Philadelphian currently living in New York.
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
ANXIETY DISORDERS
Because life's too short not to spend it worrying.
CEREBROPATHY (ALSO BRAIN FAG, BRAIN FATIGUE)
Because there's only so much information your brain can handle before it just snaps.
QUIZ YOURSELF
* Do you sometimes feel intellectually overtaxed?
* Do you suffer from anxiety or nausea when called upon to think?
* Are you absolutely certain you answered these questions correctly?
INNER MONOLOGUE
You have to concentrate. Focus on this equation in front of you. You've been at this for hours. Days. But if you just concentrate hard enough you'll get it. It can't be that complicated:
[MATHEMATICAL EXPRESSION OMITTED]
Well, T stands for string tension. That's easy enough. And is the target manifold. What the hell is a target manifold? Who made this nonsense up? This can't mean anything in real life. They're trying to get to you. They made up this ridiculous equation with a bunch of squiggly lines just to make you squirm. But it won't work. You'll show them. You'll show them all.
They're watching you through the walls. They're watching through the book. They want to drive you mad. Well, would a madman take off all his clothes, slather himself down with cream cheese, and streak across campus, loudly professing his sanity? That'll show them.
DIAGNOSIS
Cerebropathy, often called Brian Fag, occurs when you push your intellectual energies to their absolute limit. Imagine a gauge inside your head with the needle wavering nervously in the red zone. Your brain reaches a point at which it can't rev any harder, so that the slightest additional input causes the gears to snap violently. Following this "snap," it becomes difficult to remember even simple details. Concentration on anything becomes nearly impossible. Your brain simply feels exhausted. Cerebropathy may also lead to an inability to sleep, extreme anxiety, depression, and possibly full-on dementia.
CAUSALITY
The disorder has been linked to severe mental stress resulting from intellectual over-stimulation and lack of sleep. It may also be caused by an overexposure to other people. It has been known to occur among Japanese office workers, who will sometimes spend more than 80 hours a week at their desks, as well as in West African students struggling to adjust to a Western educational system.
TREATMENT
Probably the simplest way to treat Cerebropathy is simply to remove yourself from the stressful situation in which you've landed. If you haven't returned to normal in a you may want to seek professional treatment, most likely consisting of psychotherapy and possibly anti-anxiety medication, such as lorazepam.
Of Note ...
While classic Cerebropathy is considered to be a psychological disorder, the name is sometimes used to describe Encephalopathy, a neurological disorder caused by any number of physical problems, such as liver disease, kidney disease, or a shortage of oxygen to the brain. The symptoms can be virtually identical; however, if left untreated, Encephalopathy may lead to coma and possibly death. So if you find yourself with a case of Cerebropathy, just remember to calm down and try to relax — otherwise you'll die.
HYPEREKPLEXIA (ALSO STARTLE DISEASE)
Because everything, everywhere, is always shocking.
QUIZ YOURSELF
* Are you easily startled?
* Do loud noises cause you to recoil more than they should?
* Do your muscles ever clench so tightly you become all but paralyzed?
* What was that noise?
INNER MONOLOGUE
Good idea bringing her to Count Dracula's Bloody Hellhouse of Horrors and Freakatorium for your first date. This is a good change of venue from that French bistro place; that hasn't always worked out so well. There was that one incident when you brought that cute redhead from the video store and the couple at the next table ordered champagne. Waiters should warn you before they pop those bottles open. Jeez, you really freaked out the redhead. Too bad she didn't let you pay her dry cleaning bill.
And there was the time you were walking back from les toilettes and the maitre d' brushed past you unexpectedly. That caused a scene. You'd think nobody'd ever seen a man freeze solid and fall sideways into a cart full of soufflé au Grand Marnier before.
And then there was the time you discovered what escargots are. I mean, come on, they should really mention that somewhere on the menu.
Anyway. Count Dracula's Bloody Hellhouse of Horrors and Freakatorium should be a blast.
DIAGNOSIS
A sudden loud noise, someone jumping out at you, a polar bear falling through the ceiling and into your living room — all of these things are likely to startle you. And you'll react, as well you should. Your muscles contract, your blood pressure shoots up, you scream, "Ah! A polar bear!" These are all very natural responses to unexpected and irregular stimuli.
But what if your reaction to unexpected and irregular stimuli was a little more ... exaggerated? What if every time a door slammed shut, you jumped into the air and jerked your limbs wildly? What if every time a salesperson at the clothing store appeared from behind a rack of coats to wish you happy shopping, you screamed bloody murder? What if every time your wife reached out to lovingly touch your shoulder, you froze stiff as a board and tipped over like a falling redwood?
That would be Hyperekplexia. And for people who suffer from it, even the smallest of shocks, the lightest of touches, will cause an incredibly overblown reaction. In rare cases, the stimulus will cause your muscles to clench up so tightly that you can't move. You can't balance yourself. And then comes the slightest breeze and ... timber!
CAUSALITY
Hyperekplexia is a genetic neurological condition (unlike Hypergraphia [page 96], which is psychological). Which means that when you hear a door slam, even your DNA gets scared.
TREATMENT
There is no cure for Hyperekplexia. However, anti-anxiety and anti-spastic medications may be prescribed to make the symptoms more tolerable. And you should probably avoid places like Count Dracula's Bloody Hellhouse of Horrors and Freakatorium.
Of Note ...
Latah is a culture-specific form of Hyperekplexia found in Southeast Asia in which the afflicted person, after being startled, will scream and curse, begin laughing uncontrollably, and sometimes even dance.
HYPER-RESPONSIBILITY (ALSO RESPONSIBILITY OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER)
Because if only you'd been paying closer attention, everything bad that's ever happened to anyone you know could have been prevented.
QUIZ YOURSELF
* Do you care about other people?
* Do you feel responsible when things go poorly?
* Do you spend a lot of time worrying and fretting about people you love?
* Do you need to tap your pencil on the table exactly 458 times to keep an asteroid from landing on your sister?
INNER MONOLOGUE
It's your fault. You know that, don't you? Your fault. You should have known. You should have made it your business to know. You should have been paying attention to the traffic reports in Tucson. The wind patterns. You should have flown out to Arizona and examined the brakes on his car. You should have taken a class in automobile repair and kept close tabs on all aspects of the steering mechanism. You should have locked him in his home that day and fed him through the mail slot.
If you had done that, he would still be alive right now. But he's not. He's dead. And it's your fault. This is blood you'll have to carry on your hands for the rest of your life. That guy, whatever his name is, who you met that one time at that party is dead, and it's all your fault. Murderer!
DIAGNOSIS
As you sit comfortably reading this book, a phenomenal number of terrible things are happening in this world. Buses are overturning. Airplanes are crashing. People are falling through poorly constructed sidewalk gratings. Man-eating radioactive tigers are exploding in kindergarten classrooms. If you could get a bird's-eye view of civilization, you would be appalled.
And what are you doing, reading? Relaxing? While all of that turpitude is turpituding? For shame! How dare you sit there enjoying yourself when you could be worrying. Brooding. Ruminating! With all of this horror happening right now, somebody should take some responsibility. Somebody needs to take some responsibility. Why not you? Welcome to the world of Hyper-Responsibility. You can pick up your hair shirt by the door, and the self-flagellation whips are being waxed at the moment, but they'll be ready by noon. From now on, everything bad that happens in the world will be your fault. When a friend is hurt in a car accident, you'll know that you could have prevented it if only you'd warned him not to drive to pick up milk. When a family member is diagnosed with cancer, you'll know that you could have held back the disease if only you'd been more diligent in thinking positive thoughts. When your wife's kindergarten classroom is consumed in a radioactive tiger explosion, you'll know that you could have saved her if only you'd touched the bathroom door handle 72 more times. It's a heavy burden you'll bear, but don't worry. You've got more than enough obsessive guilt in you to meet the challenge.
Or to feel guilty about not meeting it, anyway.
CAUSALITY
Medical evidence supports the theory that Hyper-Responsibility, like other forms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, is the result of low serotonin levels (which affect mood), as well as abnormal brain activity in the cingulum and the frontal lobe (which organizes behaviors and regulates emotions).
TREATMENT
Hyper-Responsibility is one of the most difficult forms of OCD to cure. Because sufferers are so consumed by guilt and what is perceived to be others' fates, they are deeply reluctant to let the disorder go. However, cognitive behavioral therapy can help victims realize they don't have nearly as much control over events as they think. And serotonin reuptake inhibitors — such as fluvoxamine or sertraline — may help to regulate brain activity.
Of Note ...
Say what you will about Hyper-Responsibility, but a thorough internet search turns up a startling zero results for reports of man-eating radioactive tigers exploding in kindergarten classrooms throughout the world. The Hyper-Responsibles must be doing something right.
SCRUPULOSITY (ALSO RELIGIOUS OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER)
Because God is watching everything you do ...
QUIZ YOURSELF
* Are you religious?
* Are you really religious?
* Shouldn't you dress a little more conservatively?
* Are you definitely going to Hell?
INNER MONOLOGUE
You must remember to keep Jesus in your heart. Please, for the love of everything that is good and holy, keep Jesus in your heart! Do not become distracted. This world is a cesspool of sin and temptation. Satan is waiting around every corner to trip you up. Speaking of which, check out this girl coming around the corner. Can you believe she has the indecency to wear a skirt that small? How disgraceful. That's exactly the kind of thing you should avoid. Look, it barely covers her ...
Oh no. Were you judging, or merely looking? Check for lust in your heart. Check for lust in your heart! Okay, there doesn't appear to be any lust. Just antipathy. But wait — antipathy is not a Christian virtue. Antipathy is a tool of the Devil! You should fill your heart with love for that misguided young lady with the very short skirt. But not lust.
Look at you. How can you claim to have Christ in your heart when you can't even keep your mind off lust for five seconds? What must Jesus think? What would you think of you if you were Jesus? Hold on, are you actually comparing yourself to Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior? You're a thousand times worse than that unfortunate girl with the short skirt and the incredibly toned thighs! You'd better get yourself to confession immediately. Never mind that that's where you're coming from. Just turn around and go back. Do you think Jesus worried about being inconvenienced when he was dying on the cross for your horrible, horrible sins?
DIAGNOSIS
Scrupulosity is a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, in which the obsessive-compulsiveness manifests itself through exceedingly pious behavior. You will find yourself plagued with fears that God is judging you as sinful, that he's watching your every move, just waiting for you to trip up so he can mark your ticket for a bus ride to Hell.
Those with Scrupulosity will find themselves offending Him in any number of ways, including during patently religious actions. Is there a better number of candles you should be burning? Probably. Did you just have an impure thought about the pretty young clerk at the Bible store even though you were trying your best to feel Christ's agony while He was nailed to the cross for your sins? You're done for. How will you make it up to Him? Light more candles? Will you have enough? Can you risk another trip to that store?
Scrupulosity is usually considered a problem of Catholics, who excel at guilt, though kosher-conscious Jewish people have been known to holdeth their own.
CAUSALITY
Despite conventional wisdom, extreme religious devotion is probably not the cause of most Scrupulosity; rather, the disorder is a manifestation of an obsessive personality. Your brain wants very badly to find something with which to torture you, and if you happen to be religious, that works as well as anything else. Perhaps better. Religion has been used as a mechanism of psychological torture for millennia.
Like other forms of OCD, it is likely caused by an imbalance of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood, sleep, appetite, and other functions.
TREATMENT
Tendencies of Scrupulosity have been found to respond to certain mood-regulating medications. Also effective is exposure and response prevention therapy, which teaches you to accept the compulsive thoughts as a function of the disorder, understand their cause, and allow them to pass.
No serious religious organization accepts Scrupulosity as a healthy form of religious expression, so most churches, synagogues, ashrams, and Zendos will offer counseling for it.
Or you could just pray really, really hard and see if God will change His mind about you.
Of Note ...
Technically speaking, simply holding this book is a venial sin.
SUSTO (ALSO FRIGHT SICKNESS, ESPANTO, PASMO, TRIPA IDA, PERDIDA DEL ALMA, CHIBIH)
Because you'd lose your soul if it wasn't attached to your body.
QUIZ YOURSELF
* Do you sometimes feel listless or sad?
* Do you have trouble maintaining an appetite?
* Do you suffer from involuntary muscle tics and/or diarrhea?
* Do you scare easily?
* It's ten o'clock; do you know where your soul is?
INNER MONOLOGUE
Wh-whoa! That was close. You almost fell right on your face! Those goddamned kids, leaving their toys out in the hallway for somebody to trip over — hold on ... Where's your soul?
Is it in there? Anywhere? No? Oh, for Pete's sake! You lost your soul again. It's gone. Great, just what you need. You've got those executives coming in from St. Louis for that meeting tomorrow, and now you're going to be sleepwalking through the whole presentation. Muscle tics and trips to the bathroom every five minutes. Marketing's going to be pissed if you don't make a good impression. Of course it's too late to get a curandero over here tonight. You can't find a decent shaman healer willing to make house calls anymore anyway.
Damn those kids!
It's always something, isn't it? Toys to trip over in the hallway, strange dogs barking out of nowhere, dead relatives visiting in the middle of the night, and poof — your soul just goes!
DIAGNOSIS
The good news for people with Susto is that it's unlikely the soul has actually been displaced. The bad news is, maybe it has. A soul is difficult to pin down. Merriam-Webster defines it as "the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life." The online Urban Dictionary defines it as "the Godson of James Brown and princess of Aretha Franklin." Neither definition is helpful in this case.
Ultimately, however, if you believe you once had a soul and now believe it to be gone, that's a problem — and a defining characteristic of Susto.
Studies show that a lack of soul can cause anxiety, loss of appetite, involuntary muscle tics, diarrhea, depression, and insomnia. In severe cases, Susto can even bring about death. If your brain can convince your eyes they can't see, it stands to reason that it can convince your body it's not alive.
CAUSALITY
Seen predominantly in Latin America, Susto episodes typically occur following a sudden shock or trauma to the victim. People have lost their souls after waking up and finding themselves in bed with a dead person, but the cause needn't be that extreme; you can lose your soul if you fall off a horse, or if a dog barks unexpectedly near you, or if the corner store is out of your favorite flavor of ice cream.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Paranoid's Pocket Guide to Mental Disorders You Can Just Feel Coming On"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Quarto Publishing Group USA Inc..
Excerpted by permission of The Quarto Group.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
6 INTRODUCTIONANXIETY DISORDERS
10 CEREBROPATHY
14 HYPEREKPLEXIA
18 HYPER-RESPONSIBILITY
22 SCRUPULOSITY
26 SUSTO
30 TAIJIN KYOFUSHO
DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS
36 CAPGRAS SYNDROME
40 CONFABULATION
44 COTARD’S SYNDROME
48 DEPERSONALIZATION DISORDER
52 DISSOCIATIVE FUGUE
56 FREGOLI SYNDROME
60 MICROPSIA
64 MIRRORED-SELF MISIDENTIFICATION
68 PROSOPAGNOSIA
72 REDUPLICATIVE PARAMNESIA
76 SYNDROME OF SUBJECTIVE DOUBLES
80 SYNESTHESIA
FACTITIOUS DISORDERS
86 MUNCHAUSEN SYNDROME
90 FOREIGN ACCENT SYNDROME
IMPULSE-CONTROL DISORDERS
96 COMPULSIVE HOARDING
100 HYPERGRAPHIA
104 INTERMITTENT EXPLOSIVE DISORDER
108 JUMPING FRENCHMEN OF MAINE DISORDER
112 KLEPTOMANIA
116 PATHOLOGICAL GAMBLING
120 PICA
124 PYROMANIA
128 TRICHOTILLOMANIA
PERSONALITY DISORDERS
134 EROTOMANIA
138 HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER
142 NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER
PSYCHOTIC DISORDERS
148 CLINICAL LYCANTHROPY
152 JERUSALEM SYNDROME
156 SHARED PSYCHOTIC DISORDER
160 WINDIGO PSYCHOSIS
SEXUAL DISORDERS
166 KLÜVER-BUCY SYNDROME
170 KORO
174 SEXSOMNIA
178 VAGINISMUS
SLEEP DISORDERS
184 EXPLODING HEAD SYNDROME
188 SLEEP TERROR DISORDER
SOMATOFORM DISORDERS
194 BODY DYSMORPHIC DISORDER
198 BODY INTEGRITY IDENTITY DISORDER
202 DELUSIONS OF PARASITOSIS
206 APPENDICES & ACKNOWLEDGMENTS