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CHAPTER 1
Understanding What Speaking Your Truth Really Means
As an experienced life coach and counsellor, I have the privilege of working with people who are proactively seeking to work through the difficulties they're experiencing in their everyday lives. I provide them with a safe, confidential, accepting space in which they can talk through the issues that are adversely affecting their sense of inner peace and well-being. My aim is to help them feel understood and less burdened. I support them to increase their self-awareness, self-confidence, and self-acceptance; to gain more clarity about their life situation; to enjoy healthier, more meaningful and fulfilling relationships; and to experience a greater degree of inner control. I also help them to gain an increased sense of personal power, joy, vitality, and fulfilment.
Many of my clients go through a process of personal transformation, and there often comes a point when I ask them if they speak their truth. Do they clearly communicate what they want? Do they tell their significant others how they feel? Do they make their expectations clear? From my years of working with clients, I've discovered that these questions commonly evoke two kinds of emotional response: confusion and fear.
It seems that many of my clients don't know what "speaking your truth" means, or else they misinterpret the phrase. Some assume it means being loud, forceful, and aggressive. Others think it means saying everything that comes into their mind with no regard for the consequences, no matter how inappropriate or negative it is. Some even believe it means revealing their private thoughts and feelings to everyone around them. Because these behaviours don't sit comfortably with most people, speaking their truth is a frightening prospect. They don't believe that this is who they are, and it's certainly not who they want to become, so they decide it's not for them.
However, speaking your truth means none of these things. It's certainly not about a hedonistic pursuit of your own needs to the constant detriment of others. It's not about insisting that you're right and others are wrong, or that your needs and desires are more important than anyone else's. Nor is it about arguing or acting superior in any way. It's not about telling everyone what you're thinking and feeling all the time. And it's certainly not about saying anything and everything that comes into your mind, with no regard for the repercussions.
Speaking your truth is essentially about being assertive. If we break it down and look at each of the constituent elements, it's about
• going inwards and connecting with your inner self;
• determining what your thoughts, feelings, and preferences are in any given situation (i.e., what you truly think, feel, and want);
• acknowledging the validity of these thoughts, feelings, and preferences;
• honestly communicating your thoughts, feelings, and preferences to others in a clear, calm, respectful way;
• choosing to communicate at a time that is appropriate; and
• not insisting that your preferences are the only ones that matter.
Assertiveness is very different to the misconceptions held by many. As Dr W Dryden and D Constantinou point out in their book Assertiveness Step by Step, lying right at the heart of assertiveness is the principle of equality and the regard for the delicate balance of power that exists between you and others in your life. Learning to be assertive means accepting that we are all equal in worth, that we all have the right to be heard, and that we all deserve to have our needs met. It also means recognizing that the "all" in these statements includes you.
Learning how to speak your truth is fundamentally about understanding the power distribution in your relationships. It's about being self-aware. At one end of the spectrum, we have passive behaviour. This is where a person disowns his or her own power and cedes it to others. At the other end of the spectrum, we have aggressive behaviour, where a person snatches power from others and forcefully gets his or her way. A person who gives away his or her power may believe he or she has little or no influence, or control, over what happens in his or her life; this person may not have the confidence and self-trust to decide for himself or herself. A person who takes away power from others may believe he or she should be in complete control of what happens, and of other people, at all times; the person may believe he or she is entitled to decide for others and is in the right. The former is passive; the latter is dominant.
Passive Behaviour
Let's take a look at the characteristics of these opposing behaviours, starting with passive behaviour. Sharon, the forty-two-year-old charity worker we met earlier, is a good example.
Sharon displays passive behaviour in virtually every aspect of her life. People often ask her to do things for them, and even though she doesn't want to (and recognizes the fact that she doesn't want to), she still habitually says yes to all these requests. She continually fails to express her true feelings and desires in a clear, firm way, choosing instead to put others' needs before her own. She regularly gives away her power to others.
For example, Sharon lives with a housemate, Keira, who is particularly disorganized. Keira frequently gets up late in the morning and struggles to leave for work on time. On these occasions, she will ask Sharon to give her a lift to work. Driving Keira to work involves a twenty-minute detour for Sharon and potentially puts her at risk of being late for work herself. Despite the fact that this causes her stress, Sharon can't bring herself to refuse to drive Keira because she worries about her friend getting into trouble and then acting out her frustration on Sharon. She always reluctantly says yes. Sharon finds Keira's confident attitude somewhat intimidating and finds herself agreeing with much of what Keira asks of her.
Sharon's behaviour and attitude are typical of a passive person:
• She's afraid to speak up and say what she truly thinks and feels.
• She outwardly agrees with what others are saying even when she inwardly disagrees.
• She speaks very softly, and often in a rambling, hesitant, approval-seeking way.
• She avoids looking directly at people, slouches, and frequently looks down.
• She shows little or no emotion when talking to others, keeping her face and voice expressionless.
• She uses self-critical statements to belittle herself, her opinions, and her preferences.
• She values other people's thoughts, opinions, and desires more than her own.
Sharon's submissive, reticent behaviour makes it difficult for others to grasp what she is saying. It's also the reason people either misunderstand her views or simply dismiss them.
I can certainly identify with some of these characteristics when I look back on my younger self. My voice was so quiet that, even when I did pluck up the courage to say something, people often wouldn't hear me. I persistently shied away from expressing my true thoughts and opinions about everything. Instead I'd either say nothing or hypocritically agree with the views that others were expressing, even if they didn't accord with my own. It was a very disempowering period of my life.
Aggressive Behaviour
So what is the alternative? In my personal and professional experience, many people initially believe that the only alternative to passive behaviour must be aggressive behaviour. People fear that speaking their truth means being confrontational, loud, and antagonistic. They think that standing up for themselves and their needs means having to argue and fight with others. It does not. Just as there is a fundamental imbalance of power with passive behaviour, with aggressive behaviour the distribution of power is also out of balance.
Not only do aggressive people put their own needs and wishes above other people's, but they also demand that those needs are met. They often speak loudly, interrupt, and talk over others. Their body language is intimidating, and they invade other people's personal space. They make intense eye contact by glaring and staring at whomever they're interacting with, often speaking in a rigid, cold, patronizing tone. They're known for using condescending language. They don't listen, and they ignore or dismiss other people's points of view. They like to control situations and people, and they're good at manipulating outcomes so that they can constantly have their needs met, often to the detriment of others. This is certainly not what speaking your truth is about.
Assertive Behaviour
Speaking your truth is about being assertive, and this is entirely different to both passive and aggressive behaviour. Let's look at the characteristics of an assertive person.
An assertive person
• speaks openly and honestly about his or her preferences;
• has a steady, warm, conversational tone;
• maintains good eye contact and has a relaxed and open posture;
• uses "I" statements, such as "I prefer to ...", "I'd like to ...", and "I feel upset when ...";
• states his or her preferences in a clear and succinct way;
• cares about the preferences and opinions of those he or she is interacting with;
• listens to and considers other people's responses in a non-defensive way;
• considers himself or herself to be equal to others in his or her life; and
• believes he or she has the right to be heard and exercises that right in a way that is considerate of others.
We all know that relationships are complex. Our behaviour in any given situation is determined by a wide variety of factors, and it changes depending on how we feel in the moment, where we are, the person we're interacting with, and the circumstances we find ourselves in. We can all be passive, assertive, and aggressive at different times.
There will be some people who put you at your ease so that you can fully and openly express yourself. There will be others who bring out the aggressive side of your character. And there will be some people who are intimidating and overpowering, causing you to go into passive mode.
Self-Reflection Exercise 1: Knowing Where You Are Right Now
This is a good place for you to take some time to reflect on what your general default position is at the moment. Where along the spectrum of passive, assertive, and aggressive behaviour do you mostly operate?
Here are a few questions to help you to reflect:
Q. In which areas of your life do you feel able to truly speak your mind?
Q. Who are the people involved?
Q. Do you share power equally with the people you've named, or is the power distributed unevenly between you?
Q. In which areas of your life do you find it difficult to speak your truth?
Q. Who are the people involved?
Q. Do the people you've named in the second group exert power over you, or do you inadvertently give your power away?
It's a good idea to write down your answers in a journal. Writing is more powerful than merely thinking about something. Also, as you read on, there will be other self-reflection exercises for you to work through, so by writing down your responses, you'll be able to map your self-development journey.
As you go about your everyday life, notice how you feel and behave around different people and in different situations. Observe your emotions and behaviour as you interact with immediate family members, extended family, work colleagues, friends, and acquaintances when you're at home, at work, in social situations, or undertaking day-to-day activities, such as shopping. What do you discover about yourself? You may find that you identify patterns of behaviour that you weren't previously aware of. It is this self-knowledge that is going to be central to the transformation process you are embarking on, and therefore that will be our primary focus. Self-awareness really is the key to creating change. Our goal is to move you to a place within yourself where assertive behaviour is your default position, so it becomes the way you behave most of the time, irrespective of the situation and the people involved.
CHAPTER 2
The Origins of your Passive Behaviour
Have you ever wondered what makes you quiet and compliant? Were you just born that way, or is it a behaviour that you've learned? In this chapter, we are going to look at the possible explanations for passive behaviour. As with all human traits, it's often down to a complex combination of factors, some of which are rooted in nature and some in nurture.
Nature
People with certain personality types may be more likely to adopt passive behaviours. Elaine Aron, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in San Francisco, first identified the personality type "highly sensitive" in an academic paper she wrote in the early 1990s. She went on to write a bestselling book called The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, in which she estimates that highly sensitive people make up 15 to 20 per cent of the population. She also states that those people are neurologically hard-wired differently to the rest of the population. Their nervous systems are much more sensitive to subtleties in their environments than those of their non-sensitive counterparts. Consequently, they can quickly become overstimulated. While we can't conclude that all passive people are highly sensitive, it's not unreasonable to assume that many are. And the reason is as follows.
Although the type of neurological wiring that comes with being sensitive can be considered a gift, because highly sensitive people are often very empathic, creative, and intuitive, there is a downside. Sensitive people can easily become overwhelmed. Things like noise, crowds, bright lights; chaotic, complex, or tense situations; and strained interactions with other people can leave them feeling tense and agitated. They often find themselves having to battle anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem as well. Consequently, as a way of protecting themselves, they learn to exercise greater self-care than non-sensitive people. And herein lies the link with passive behaviour: the constant fear and threat of being overwhelmed.
Passive behaviour can be a form of self-care, self-protection, and self-regulation. Highly sensitive people often take the path of least resistance in any given situation simply because they dislike the physiological changes that take place in their bodies when they're tense. When faced with a perceived threat or unnerving situation, such as an argument or the potential for strong disagreement with someone, their feelings of fear and discomfort can instantly evoke the fight-or-flight response.
The fight-or-flight response in the human body has been well documented. In the face of danger, real or imagined, a series of instant physiological changes occurs. These changes are designed to give the body a burst of energy and make it more responsive so it can deal with the perceived threat. The heart starts to beat faster, pushing blood to the muscles and other vital organs. Blood pressure goes up. Breathing becomes more rapid. The smaller airways in the lungs widen to make more oxygen available, some of which is sent to the brain to increase alertness. Sight, hearing, and other senses sharpen. Temporary storage sites around the body release sugar and fats into the bloodstream to supply extra energy. The veins in the skin constrict to encourage more blood to flow to the major muscle groups, and muscles tense up, ready for action. Non-essential bodily functions, such as digestion and the immune response, temporarily shut down to provide more energy for the body to deal with the emergency. All these changes take place so that a person can either face the perceived threat (fight) or escape from it (flight).
The fight-or-flight wiring is so efficient that this cascade of changes begins even before the brain's visual centres have had a chance to fully process what's happening. This stress response is triggered so quickly that we're not consciously aware of it.
For a highly sensitive person, it is the merest perception of being under threat or in danger that can trigger this reaction, no matter how minuscule the risk may be. The instantaneous and involuntary nature of these physiological changes can be shocking, unpleasant and disorientating; it can bring on immediate and intense feelings of being overwhelmed.
Is it any wonder that a sensitive person would choose to avoid saying anything that another person might perceive as being confrontational? Either consciously or unconsciously, sensitive people perceive many situations and people as threatening. They figure it's wiser to smile and agree with whatever people around them are suggesting rather than disagree and risk a confrontation. It's easier to avoid difficult situations, ignore things, back away, and withdraw than to deal with people and problems head-on, because that way they don't have to deal with their own discomfort. It's easy to see how sensitive people learn at an early age that it's far simpler and less stressful to keep their heads down and their mouths shut.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Power of Speaking Your Truth"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Harinder Ghatora.
Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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