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CHAPTER 1
Trauma and Traumatic Loss
Perhaps we think that trauma is trauma, and no one really cares (especially us), or that it is no big deal, and therefore, no one understands, or perhaps it is what it is and it is best to ignore ... But then ...
On September 10, 2001, a nation of people went to sleep safe in the knowledge that they lived in a country that would always protect them.
On the morning of September 11, 2001, that same nation was traumatized. The safest country in the world had been violated. We watched in shock and horror as the attacks continued. We were no longer "safe," our very lives had been threatened. We lost faith in our nation and trust in our neighbors. The fear that this was only the beginning grew.
Losses in the aftermath continued to accumulate. A safe, predictable world was turned upside down and was spinning out of control. Chaos reigned in our hearts and our minds. Fear heightened as we looked over our shoulders, becoming hyper-vigilant and increasingly vulnerable. Within hours we focused on finding someone or something to blame, a target for anger that was born of fear.
A nation grieved. Day after day, we were witness to others' pain and loss, and we felt our own. The grieving continued. Years later, there are still many people who cannot watch any recreation of the event. It remains too personally painful. We have mourned for years. We continue to see and feel the effects of a traumatic event that occurred in a moment in time and changed the world. Our nation, as well as others, still reverberates from the effects. Everything had changed; nothing was what it was before.
We see the loss of trust in a safe and predictable world. We mourn that loss. We see the effects of loss of trust, and we feel the fear. We know vulnerability, and we arm ourselves. We attempt to control the outcome, to protect ourselves from further attack. We are reacting to trauma as a group at the same time as we grieve it as a nation. We validate and witness the trauma with vigils each year. We know what has happened, as we make our best efforts to heal from it. It has been years, but the healing continues.
We continue to mourn the loss of a childish trust in a safe and a predictable world. We mourn that loss of trust, as we feel the fear that mistrust has created. We come to realize that our nation cannot control the world. We grieve and we heal as a people, still in our own personal way.
This, then, is trauma, the emergence of the legacy and the beginning of healing that pain. As a society, the experience of 9/11 has sensitized us to the existence of traumatic loss because we all lived it.
Now let us take a closer look at the face of trauma. The traumatic event that was the terrorist attack on 9/11/2001 began in the morning hours of 9/11. It also ended on 9/11. We know the times that those planes hit, we know the number of planes that hit, we know the number of people who were killed; although we have no statistics on the actual number of survivors. The events of 9/11 have a timeline and can be clearly identified as a distinct traumatic event in our lives.
Beginning on 9/12/2001, we faced the aftermath; which signified the emergence of the legacy. We felt the fear, the neglect of our needs for safety, the violation of our trust, the chaos in the unpredictable nature of events and the depths of our pain. We now see the way we have come to defend our nation and ourselves. It was the origin of the legacy of trauma for the United States of America.
Years later, our nation is still healing, not from the actual event, but from the aftermath, the legacy. We are slowly but surely healing from our fears that we are not physically or emotionally safe. We are healing from the anger and the need to retaliate that the fear generated. We are healing from the loss of trust and faith. We are healing from the void that was created as a symbol of freedom and strength became Ground Zero. We are healing from the cold reality that we are vulnerable and cannot control the world and all the people in it. We are healing from the pain of senseless chaos and our obsessive need to protect ourselves by any means possible. We heal from that which trauma generates.
That is what we live with today. We don't live with the event. We live with what was created the moment that the event occurred. We are in effect, healing as a nation from the legacy, the gift handed down to a nation of people by a small group of terrorists. 9/11/2001 is over; it is the legacy that we live with now.
On September 11, 2007, I sat and watched the television, along with millions of others; as there was a replay of all of the events of 9/11. It became clearer to me what had happened. I still felt very strong feelings as I watched it all. The horror remained, but the fear has lessened. The grief remained, but not as deep. We have slowly moved away from our original feelings as we have grieved and let go. We have picked up the pieces, and although forever changed, we have moved on. As we sit and remember each year, it is interesting that we come together as a collective. We validate, witness, and mourn our losses freely and with compassion. We feel the freedom to finish grieving. We don't preempt the process by turning to each other and saying, "So what's the big deal, get over it, it happened a long time ago". We do not turn to each other and minimize the events of 9/11 or our fears in the aftermath. In a weird way, if we actually did that, we would become the crazy people (you really need to think about that). We openly discuss how we felt then, and how we feel now. We honor ourselves and validate the courage and the strength we have and continue to exhibit as a nation.
When we do not deny or minimize the legacy that we share; the result is that we call it forward and name it. We honor ourselves and we honor each other. We stand tall in the faith, trust, and belief that we survived by doing the best we could at the time. We look back with sadness, but look forward with hope. It is in this way that we have come to heal.
September 11, 2001 gave us all the experience of trauma and loss, as well as the insidious nature of the legacy that was born in a moment of time. September 12, 2001 set us all on the path of coming to understand and then later heal from the legacy.
For anyone reading this book, 9/11 was unfortunately not our first experience with trauma or traumatic loss. As a nation of people living side-by-side, it will not be our last experience either. However, we now seek to heal from our childhood histories of trauma and traumatic loss. We are on a personal mission, to look at our lives with greater understanding and compassion. We need to take what we have learned as a collective of people and apply it to the experience of a young child.
Looking Back
We will look first at trauma and traumatic loss, and what that can look like in the life of a child. We will do this for one reason only, to create an opportunity for each of us to become aware that we did in fact survive trauma or traumatic loss. Before we can heal from the legacy of trauma, which is our goal, we need to acknowledge that it happened.
This is a critical point in our journey forward. Most of us do not want to look back and feel that pain - one more time. Many of us don't validate the loss to begin with, so we see no reason to seek the truth. We would rather move on, move forward, deal with the "reality of today", rather than the memories of days apparently long past. Some of us think immediately of family of origin work, and run in the other direction. But, here we go.
9/11 taught us a big lesson. Our todays are powerfully woven from the fabric of our yesterdays. We cannot deny, minimize or forget. Otherwise, we live with the aftermath of a childhood gone terribly wrong and feel as if life is a confusing, difficult place. We still walk with the legacy in our hearts, minds, bodies and souls; whether we want to acknowledge that or not. Therefore, we have no choice but to revisit our past.
Living in a Coma
Let's go back to 9/11. Let's say that we were in the hospital and we were in a coma during 9/11 and the next several weeks. Finally we wake up, and no one thinks about telling us about 9/11. We wake up to a world where there are terror alerts, where people talk about buying gas masks, building shelters, and hoarding food. We wake up to the fear that our water will be contaminated, that our monetary system will crash. When we wake up, people are leaving New York City so that they feel safe. It is October in New York and Times Square looks like a ghost town. Tunnels are under alert, and police search cars and buses. The eerieness of that image alone is startling. Wherever we go, airports are backed up; anyone with a one-way ticket is searched before boarding a plane. People look fearfully at other passengers. No one is safe.
All of a sudden we are feeling fear for our safety and a pervasive feeling of mistrust. We feel that the world is crazy, chaotic, unpredictable and unsafe. Things are out of control, and we don't know why. We hear that we had to attack Iraq since war was the only solution. We know that people are angry. And we are swept up, feeling all of the emotions, grieving all the pain, and never, ever knowing why.
That is clearly a nightmare. We don't know that there was the 9/11 trauma and traumatic loss in this country. With nothing to attach it to, we live in the aftermath, in the legacy that we don't even know exists. We feel the legacy, but we cannot acknowledge it. To live in a legacy, and not know that we are is creating a world that is clearly and inexplicably unmanageable. We are living in the dark, with no view of the origin of fear. We see no cause, no reason and in the depth of the darkness, our fears grow. We don't know which way to turn. Lost and confused is an understatement. When we could get our bearings by identifying the events or situations that created all of this, we would be insane to say no, it is not really that important. That need for clarification and understanding, is what has been beneath our common search. Living life as a coma patient is no longer feasible or desirable. We have been given a key to unlock the secret door.
Discovering the Origin of the Secret
On that note, it is time to look back. We do this for only one reason, to come to know and therefore ultimately understand the source of our own fears, our pain, and our struggles. To come to know that we are survivors opens the door to the discovery of the secret. The hidden existence of the legacy has created the mystery and the secret- the total misunderstanding that has challenged us in our lives. The knowingness is enough. The trauma and traumatic loss that existed remains a part of our past. Acknowledging he existence of our past is a huge step, and perhaps a very frightening one. It is the only way to honor our self as a survivor.
In the Beginning- Traumatic Events and The Silent Trauma of Loss
We sit in a dark theatre, and a movie is about to play....
On September 10, 2001 a nation of people went to sleep, safe in the knowledge that they lived in a country that would always protect them.
On the morning of September 11, 2001, that same nation was traumatized. It was not the first time, nor would it be the last. When I say the word "trauma", we can see it in our minds. Vivid pictures in living color emerge. We see planes hitting towers. We watch the devastation caused by levies breaking, or a wall of water that was the tsunami. We picture smoke and ash, as Southern California burns. We are mesmerized by the pictures as hurricane after hurricane devastates our shores and as earthquakes, mudslides and tornadoes level communities.
We picture all of the young men and women jumping out of the windows as gunshots seek out victims. We visualize the innocents in a small school in Anywhere, USA and all the young soldiers gathering in the killing fields. We picture a bridge full of cars collapsing into the water below, and the senseless and random killings on our city streets.
We see horrific accidents, childhood illness, and the unfortunate victims of random violent crimes. We see trauma as schools go into lockdown; where children are not protected from each other or from adults in the educational system.
When I say the word "trauma", I personally envision the random and chaotic destruction of a tornado; that hits my house and destroys all, while my neighbor's home remains untouched. When I say the word "trauma", we all see a movie, marching across the screen, bigger than life itself. When I say the word "trauma", we all see innocents falling victim to insanity.
We can point a finger and we can see the event, the picture; the movie playing in our minds. It is real; it is readily seen and therefore easily identified. When I say the word trauma, we picture an actual event. We visualize the specifics. We see in living color, and we can therefore identify and point to it. There is a clear event, whether man-made or natural, that holds our attention. We can say, "There it is ... There is Trauma"! And we would find agreement, from all those who can easily point to it as well. When we can "see trauma" as an event, we understand trauma for what it The Secret, the Mystery and the Puzzle is. It is unpredictable, chaotic and fearful as it threatens our sense of trust in a safe and predictable world.
All of the traumatic events that I have presented were, just that, events. They were traumatic, but they do remain an event. They had dates, timelines, were newsworthy and attracted the attention of a nation, if not the world. There were victims who were extremely traumatized, as in all of the history of traumatic events. Their lives were turned upside down in one brief moment in time. The pain of traumatic loss runs deep. Some of the survivors healed. Some of the survivors of these devastating events (understandably) were unable to heal from the aftermath and for those survivors there now remains a trauma legacy, ever present in their lives.
The Now Silent Movie Continues
The movie continues; but this time in black and white. It is one of those old silent films, and we may feel restless as we watch ...
Now take a look at what we do not see. When I say the word "trauma", what we do not see is a small child graveside, or standing beside a hospital bed. We don't picture the little girl whose mother suffered illness or accident and never emotionally recovered.
We don't envision a scene where one parent walks out the door one day and never returns. We don't see the parents who only use their children as a bargaining tool in an ugly divorce.
When I say the word "trauma", the movie that plays in our mind does not include any scenes where we envision a scapegoat, or the child victims of emotional and verbal abuse. We clearly never picture emotional neglect. We never see the child thrown into the foster care system, or the one easily abandoned to the streets. We don't picture vicious abuse that is called bullying and we don't call the bully an abuser. We don't see the psychological, emotional or physical effects. We don't picture the lives of children growing up in a world where parents are so caught up in their own addictive lifestyles, compulsive behaviors and obsessive thinking, that their parent's legacy is now part of who they are. We may see the sexual and physical abuse victims, but since that pain is so personally painful, we often look away. We don't see the silent traumas, because we don't picture them. We do not naturally see these children's loss as part of the movie in our minds.
When we do not picture traumatic loss as traumatizing, we allow the silent traumas to remain forever silent. The pain goes underground one again. Silent trauma survivors cannot heal until they "see" their own loss. It is only in acknowledging the traumatic loss that we come to an awarenessof the legacy. It is the legacy that needs to be seen, felt and finally healed.
Like 9/11, we will heal from the aftermath, the aftershocks, and the legacy of loss. Unlike 9/11, there may not be an event that we can see, that we can point to. We will look for situational and cumulative traumatic loss, not just for a clear moment in time that dramatically altered our lives. We will look at the silent traumas and the deep feelings of loss due to abandonment. As we talk about trauma and traumatic loss, we will look closely at what it looks like in the moments or the days that follow. In this way we begin to validate the life of a child, and come to understand with compassion what it truly means to be a child survivor.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Secret, the Mystery andthe Puzzle"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Lisa M Yezzi, PhD.
Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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