Read an Excerpt
Things I Wish My Mother Taught Me
15 Strategies to Uncover Your Happiness
By SUZANNE RIVARD Balboa Press
Copyright © 2014 Suzanne Rivard
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-8318-1
CHAPTER 1
Start with Gratitude
Gratitude is the best attitude.
—Anonymous
Everything starts with gratitude!
Too often we're caught up in our everyday lives. We're busy and never take time to slow down, to appreciate the beauty and all we have. Most of us in the western part of the world are extremely fortunate. We don't have to worry about food, clothing, shelter, or safety. Our fundamental needs are met. This is not true in other parts of the world.
Here we're trying to keep up with everyone else, acquiring material wealth for status, buying the latest gadget or upgrading our homes—all to make us feel better about ourselves. We feel the need to be the best, often at the expense of others. It's all about being number one and survival of the fittest. Having the lifestyle you desire is wonderful, but don't get lost in it or become defined by it.
Do you take the time to appreciate the people and things you're grateful for in your life?
You could be the most negative person in the world and think that nothing will ever change. That's not true. If you start being grateful for the people and things in your life, you'll begin to look at your life differently. Instead of seeing the negative in people or things, you'll start noticing the positive, the beauty. Your life will feel abundant. This is why you hear people talking about the importance of gratitude.
When you're great at noticing positive aspects in people and things, some may call you a Pollyanna. Don't let that deter you. Thank them for the compliment. Wouldn't you rather view your life as a place full of abundance and beauty than a place of negativity and despair?
I have had the privilege to travel to many places in the world. When I was in Indonesia, I was invited to a local Hindu wedding. It was in a remote village. Before the wedding my friend and I visited his family's home up in the mountains. The scenery was amazing, but that's not what stuck with me. Compared to western standards, the family has very little. Some would even say they're underprivileged and have a horrible life. Yet they were some of the happiest people I have met. They were grateful for the people and things in their lives and not focused on what they didn't have. They radiated happiness.
If you want to live a life of happiness, begin by noticing and appreciating the abundance and beauty that are already in your life; be in a place of gratitude.
Exercise
A great way to appreciate what you have is to keep a gratitude journal. You'll find many resources on what a gratitude journal should be or contain. I have pulled together what I believe to be the best of the best. Adjust the content to meet your needs and desires. For instance, a client of mine preferred to keep a happy journal rather than a gratitude journal.
1. Get yourself a journal and write down things you're grateful for.
2. For the next thirty days, every day write down five (more if you're inspired) people or things you're grateful for.
• It takes twenty-one days to form a habit. By completing this exercise for thirty days, you're giving yourself the opportunity to shifttoward a life of abundance and happiness.
3. Gratitude is not about you; it's about people and things in your life.
4. It's important to write down the gratitude.
• This gets you completely focused on one thought, the gratitude. It gives the gratitude power, a higher energetic vibration. The higher the vibration, the more you'll attract people and things to be grateful for.
5. The gratitude should be as specific as possible.
• The more specific you get, the more energy you put behind the grateful feelings you're having. Try to be specific to the point where if you read it in the future, you can remember the actual moment.
6. After you have written the gratitude, read it out loud to yourself and feel the gratitude.
• Feeling gratitude brings more of it into your life.
7. Some people struggle with this activity. If this is you, start small, but start. Write one or two gratitudes per day, in more general wording, and build up from there.
8. Challenge yourself to not repeat your gratitudes. Make each and every one of them unique.
When you're feeling ungrateful or down, pick up your gratitude journal and read to yourself out loud what you have written. It will remind you of special moments and people in your life. It will shift you into feelings of gratitude—a higher energetic vibration.
Esther and Jerry Hicks introduced the teachings of Abraham and the Law of Attraction in the book Ask and It Is Given. These teachings are the foundation of the movie The Secret. Based on Abraham's teachings, it takes seventeen seconds to start shifting your vibration toward gratitude, and sixty-eight seconds for the vibration to be strong enough to start attracting more people and things to be grateful for in your life. Take your time, read, and deeply feel the energetic vibration of gratitude.
Tip: A gratitude journal is a great tool to use all the time, not just for thirty days.
CHAPTER 2
Change Your Perception of the World
If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
—Mary Engelbreit
Let's face it—there's lots of negativity in the world. You only have to watch the news or read the newspaper to see stories of murders, wars, and tragedies. Lots of people start off their day reading the newspaper and setting their tone for the day. If they read some negative stories, they carry those with them for the entire day. They talk about them at coffee break, over lunch, with friends and family. Some people choose to watch the news at night before they go to bed. What do you think they dream of?
What do you think reading and watching the news does to your perception of the world? It's a scary place, right? Well, it doesn't have to be. You can choose what you allow into your world and what you focus on.
You might be saying, "I need to keep informed of what's going on in the world," and "There are positive, uplifting stories." You're right. In fact, keeping informed is a good thing, but you don't need to inundate yourself.
The focus on negativity has an impact on how people operate in the world. Deepak Chopra says that on average we have fifty thousand thoughts per day, with most of those being negative in nature. If most of those thoughts are focused around negativity, life appears bleak.
A few months ago I was out for lunch with my mother. She started telling me about a tragic accident that happened on the highway, in which a young lady lost her life. A young man was driving the vehicle that collided with the young lady's. There was question as to whether or not alcohol was involved. Bless my mom's heart—she is a deeply compassionate and caring person. When she was telling me all of this, her entire body was feeling it. Her energy was low. She felt the pain of the loss of the young lady and the judgment against the young man. Her body language clearly showed the emotions she was feeling. I asked her, "How does focusing on this make your life better?" She was kind of jarred and replied, "It doesn't." So I said, "Why focus on it, then?" She chose to let it go. Her entire physiology and energy shifted back to enjoying the lunch and conversation we were having.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that having empathy for people is bad. All too often we're empathetic with attachment. We're reacting to the distress of another human being. We feel their pain, and we also take on that pain emotionally and energetically. At times this can be appropriate. However, it can also be very disempowering to an individual. If you're a deeply caring person and you take on everyone else's pain, you're suffering more then you need to be.
What you focus on impacts you, your mood, and your energy. The choice is yours.
Exercise
To notice the impacts of negativity on you from the world around you, start by eliminating the news sources from your awareness.
1. For seven days, don't read any newspapers or watch the news.
2. After seven days, notice how you feel.
• Do you feel you're missing out?
• Do you feel better, worse or the same?
• Has not keeping up with the news had any impact?
After seven days, if you want to remain informed, limit the amount of time you read the newspaper or watch the news. You may want to completely eliminate those sources and selectively choose the news stories you want to read on the internet. My preference is to hear about the news through conversations with people. You choose what is best for you.
CHAPTER 3
Get Rid of the Negative Self-Talk
The body, like everything else in life, is a mirror of our inner thoughts and beliefs. Every cell within your body responds to every single thought you think and every word you speak.
—Louise Hay
Most people have a very negative image of the world and, worse, a negative image of themselves. They've never fully learned to love or embrace themselves; they don't live to their fullest potential. Learning to love yourself for who you are can change your life.
We're hardest on ourselves. We limit and sabotage ourselves with labels like "I'm stupid!" and "You idiot!" or saying phrases like, "Why did I have to do that?" and "It's never going to get better, so what's the point?" Would you treat a good friend that way? Remember: fifty thousand thoughts per day. Just imagine how all those limiting thoughts and beliefs are impacting you.
Religion can be supportive but can also be detrimental to an individual. My own experience of being raised within the dogma of a religion negatively impacted my self-esteem and self-worth. I was taught, for instance, that I was born a sinner and was not worthy. These limiting beliefs about myself created many challenges in my life. I no longer accept them as true.
Believing I was a sinner caused me to second-guess myself. I couldn't make any mistakes. Yet I always seemed to and had to repent for them. I never believed that I was a truly good person. I now know this is not true. Every day I strive to be the best version of myself, and that demonstrates my goodness. Everything is an opportunity to learn and grow from; mistakes don't make me a sinner.
The belief that I was not worthy held me back from achieving my potential and fully embracing who I am. I held myself back because I didn't deserve. I kept myself small. Nowadays I stretch myself all the time. I'm deserving of the best life I can create.
Each and every one of us is amazing! We all have unique gifts to offer the world. We all matter and have value. It's said that for every person born there were a thousand souls that wanted to take the body, competing for the job. The fact that you are here, that you got the job, means that you have value. Yes, you have value!
We all are meant to be here. You're here for a reason. What you offer to the world is up to you. You may not have figured out what your gifts are yet. That's okay. Life is a journey. It's all about the journey and not the destination. You'll figure it out. In the meantime, stop being so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can from where you are and what you've been taught.
Have you ever thought, "What's the point to my existence? I don't matter. Life would be better without me. Nobody would miss me. I don't make a difference in other people's lives." Well, I have, and it's not a great space to be in. When I'm in this space, I focus on something in the future that I'm looking forward to or some happy memories. I keep doing this until I shift out of it.
One of my favorite movies that reminds me of the role we all play in the world and how we make a difference in other people's lives is It's a Wonderful Life, starring James Stewart and Donna Reed. In the movie, George Bailey, played by Stewart, experiences some great challenges in his life. He gets to the point where he feels like the only choice is to end his life. An angel comes down from heaven and gives him the gift of seeing the world as if he had never been born. All of the people whom he cherishes are all living out different realities. He realizes the difference he has made in all of their lives and asks to have his life back, woes and all. It's a great movie; watch it if you get the chance. It's on every Christmas.
Listen to the language you use with yourself. Do you often notice the words should and need? These are expectations you're putting on yourself, and when you don't follow through, you feel bad. Many people have too many "should's" and "need to's." They're never meeting expectations. How do you think this impacts them? They constantly feel like a failure.
Lots of negative self-talk is about disappointing others. We think that we should be this way or that way. We should be doing this or that. When we don't live up to those expectations, we get down on ourselves. We're trying to live up to other people's expectations of us, not our own. Are you living your life according to your expectations or someone else's? Start living by your expectations.
Everyone seems to be worried more about what other people think of them than about what they think of themselves. That often defines their behaviors, thoughts, and actions. Out of fear of judgment, they don't truly express who they are at the core. Learning to love yourself and embracing all that you are is foundational in leading a happier life.
I have heard said, "What others think about you is none of your business." It's their perception of you and not who you truly are. When you learn to honor yourself first and be respectful of others at the same time, the fear of judgment will disappear. Remember, if you don't want to be judged, then don't judge others. Everyone is doing the best they can from where they are in life.
When I was eight years old, my grade three teacher held a math quiz. All the students had to stand at the front of the class while she asked us math questions. If you got the answer wrong, you sat down. One by one, students took their seats until I was the only one leftstanding. She kept asking me question after question. I was up there for a long time. You'd think that was an awesome experience, but that's not what I held inside me. After the quiz, all the other students made fun of me and called me keener, goody-goody, and names of that nature. The experience left me scarred and terrified of standing in front of a crowd. Now I overcome the fear and do it anyway. Have you ever had a similar experience?
Through our experiences we take on limiting thoughts and beliefs about ourselves.
Exercise
To discover the negative language you use with yourself, your labels, and the limitations you put on yourself, start paying attention.
1. For seven days notice the language you're using with yourself. Pay close attention.
• Writing down your negative and limiting language will help you identify patterns. Don't judge yourself harshly; it's simply where you are right now. You're changing that!
2. Ask yourself the following questions.
• Are many of my words negative?
• Am I labeling myself?
• Am I putting any limitations on myself?
• Do I have negative beliefs about myself?
3. Challenge any limiting thought or belief you have about yourself by asking the following questions.
• Is it true? Is it absolutely true?
• What does holding onto this serve me?
• Who would I be without this?
• What would my life be like without this?
4. Compile a list of all the negative words you're using.
5. Cross out the negative words, and replace them with empowering ones of your choice. For example, instead of saying "should," replace it with "choose."
Carry your empowering words with you as a visual reminder. When you catch yourself using a negative word, repeat what you said with a more empowering word. Over time, you'll express empowering words naturally without effort or thought.
Tip: A great tool to bring you acute awareness of your negative thoughts is to wear a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you say negative or limiting words, snap the rubber band. It works!
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Things I Wish My Mother Taught Me by SUZANNE RIVARD. Copyright © 2014 Suzanne Rivard. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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