Third Base Ain't What It Used to Be: What Your Kids Are Learning About Sex Today-and How to Teach Them to Become Sexually Healthy Adults
248
Third Base Ain't What It Used to Be: What Your Kids Are Learning About Sex Today-and How to Teach Them to Become Sexually Healthy Adults
248eBookDigital Original (Digital Original)
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Overview
“When it comes to sex, most of us are clueless,” writes sexologist and sexuality educator Dr. Logan Levkoff. “Yes, we know how to have sex, but we have no idea how to teach our kids about it.” With the cultural discussion surrounding sex growing increasingly charged, Levkoff’s insightful how-to book equips parents with the tools and perspectives necessary for navigating this complicated landscape and talking about sex with their children in a healthy and productive way. Covering everything from anatomy and puberty to pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, Levkoff offers the facts and candid advice that parents can use to bring their values and experiences into the discussion on sexuality.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781453262924 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Open Road Media |
| Publication date: | 05/08/2012 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 248 |
| Sales rank: | 913,710 |
| File size: | 1 MB |
About the Author
Dr. Logan Levkoff is a nationally recognized expert on sexuality and relationships. As a thought leader in the field of human sexuality, Logan regularly appears on such shows as Good Morning America andthe Today Show, and is a trusted source for publications such as Cosmopolitan, Seventeen, Esquire, and Men’s Health. She speaks on a wide range of issues, including sexual health and education, relationship hurdles, and the role of sexuality in pop culture—most recently speaking out in support of the bestselling book Fifty Shades of Grey. Levkoff lives and works in New York City.
Read an Excerpt
Third Base Ain't What It Used to Be
By Logan Levkoff
OPEN ROAD INTEGRATED MEDIA
Copyright © 2007 Logan LevkoffAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4532-6292-4
CHAPTER 1
BEFORE YOU CAN GET TO THE BIG TOPICS, YOU MUST BUILD THE FOUNDATION
SEX ED BEGINS AT BIRTH
If you have little kids, you are probably wondering why on earth you'd need a sex-ed book now. Well, sex education begins the second you bring your baby into the world. Everything you do and say matters. Even the environment you create sends implicit messages about gender roles to your newborn. If your son's room is decorated with planes, footballs, and guns, you are quietly teaching him about aggression. A soft frilly girl's room filled with dolls and kitchen sets conveys certain stereotypical roles to them as well. This doesn't mean that you need to turn tradition on its head, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to mix things up just a little bit. Giving dolls to our sons and cars to our daughters won't affect their sexual orientation later in life—it just gives them more options and lets them further explore their likes and dislikes.
Room decor aside, your use and choice of language is probably your child's first taste of sexuality education, and I have this pet (okay, more like a monster) peeve about using inaccurate terminology to describe your anatomy. Call me crazy, but I find slang terms offensive, particularly when they are coming out of the mouth of a toddler. I mean, honestly, do you really think it's less embarrassing for your little darling to ask, "Nana, do you have a wee-wee?" than "Nana, do you have a penis?"
I recognize that no one is perfect, not even my friends who know about my no-slang policy. My friend Sara invited me over to see her new daughter. When it came time to change her, Sara said, "Honey, Aunt Logan's never seen a baby giney before." I looked over at that beautiful girl and said, "Actually, Kate, your vagina is inside. Right now, Mommy's cleaning your vulva."
That's right—it's a vulva. And if we don't start teaching our kids what the real words are, they are bound to wind up as sexually screwed up as we are. Okay, so that's a little severe. But really, what's the harm in telling them the truth?
When I have my son on the changing table, I'll say, "Yes, sweetheart. That's your penis. Oh, yes, you have an erection. I know, isn't that great? And don't worry; there will be a time when Mommy isn't hovering over you when you have one." Don't we want our kids to know what's happening to their bodies? If you aren't sure of the answer, ask yourself this: Was there ever a time in your life when your ignorance about something sexual made you feel scared, embarrassed, or guilty? Is that something you'd wish on your own child?
As a parent, everything you say and do makes a difference. Every time you say, "Honey, do I look fat?" in front of your child, she gets a crash course in self-esteem and body-image politics. Every time you make a joke about someone looking or acting gay, even if you are the least homophobic person out there, your child gets a message about judging people. Yes, everything counts.
PLAYING DOCTOR, BATHING, AND OTHER TRICKY SITUATIONS
When it comes to touching, babies and toddlers are experts in exploring their bodies and others'. What better way for them to learn about themselves? If you have a kid at home, you better get over your squeamishness! Young children love to be naked and both boys and girls will fondle their genitals out of pure curiosity and giggles, and not because they are deliberately trying to be sexual. They will rub up against toys, bedposts, anything that creates a "good feeling." Your naked body, too, will be a place of great interest, and this goes beyond breast-feeding. From your breasts and vulva to your penis and testicles, your children will want to touch, grab, and grope. Sometimes they will ask for permission, and other times they will take what they want. There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting them touch you—as long as you are not uncomfortable. If they are looking at or touching you, teach them the names of your parts just as you teach them about theirs. As for being naked, no harm will come from your children looking at your naked body.
Naturally, families have different rules about nudity; some are quite free and others are more buttoned up, literally. If you're not comfortable being naked around your children, then don't be! But if you are, know that that's okay, too. Whatever you decide, the only thing that all children need to know is that their own bodies are off-limits to certain people. You are going to need to explain that there are some people who can touch their genitals—for example, at an examination at the doctor's office—and some who cannot. That being said, a toddler who is mesmerized by naked bodies is just that, a toddler.
Now, there will come a time when you catch your post-toddler child and his friend half naked or fully naked in an effort to learn about each other's bodies. "Playing doctor" is a natural activity that exemplifies our children's innate curiosity rather than a deep-seated depravity. If you find that this is going on, ask your child why they were playing, what they are curious about, and what, if anything, they learned. Though there is nothing wrong with a little consensual role-playing, some parents may respond quite negatively to this scenario. If that's the case, explain to your child that though she didn't do anything bad, some parents are not comfortable with nudity.
It is important to keep in mind that sexuality education during toddlerhood and early childhood is less about sex and more about allowing our children to see the world through their innocent eyes. For example, a mom came to me about her two boys, ages four and seven, who had started to touch each other's penises when they bathed together. They realized that by doing this they would get erections, which they called "getting strong." This had been going on for months without her worrying about it, but one night her husband saw it and became incensed. "That's it," he told his wife. "No more baths together." She wanted to know if she had done something terrible.
As with playing doctor, panic is a very common first response to this kind of scenario. But take a breath, parents. Even though these boys were touching each other, it wasn't consciously sexual. They just thought it was cool that their penises could "stand up and be strong." The last thing you want to do is to make your children feel guilty or ashamed about something perfectly innocent. We shouldn't color their experience with our own issues. If you're uncomfortable with their behavior, there are ways to stop mutual bathing without scarring your children emotionally. One way is simply to say, "You are getting too big to fit into the tub," or that you're afraid they do too much playing and not enough washing when they're in the tub. A direct approach, such as "I don't want you touching each other's penises," may backfire, because your children are going to ask you why, especially if they don't see their behavior as sexual. Of course, if your kids bathing together isn't an issue for you, that's fine, too. At the end of the day, you need to parent by your own rules. The key is doing so without making your children feel bad about something they don't understand.
What about kids bathing or showering with parents? There is no evidence that it causes any harm to a child, as long as the parent feels comfortable. Five-year-old Marni usually took showers with her mother, but one day she asked if she could shower with her father. Both parents said yes, but at the last minute decided the father should wear a bathing suit. You can imagine what happened; Marni spent the entire time asking why her father was sporting a bathing suit in the shower. In hindsight, her father realized he might have felt less awkward taking a shower the "regular way."
There is no right or wrong answer to this situation—you have to do what you are comfortable with. I don't think that being naked would have been a big deal. In fact, it would have provided Marni's parents an opportunity to talk to their daughter about the differences between men and women. I am afraid that by covering up, we inadvertently send the message that there is something wrong (and something bad) about our bodies and that we should be ashamed of them. You know your children and yourselves best, however, and as long as you are prepared to talk them through their questions, how you choose to parent is up to you.
There are also situations that emerge that parents find almost impossible to handle calmly—including what to do when your child (or God forbid, teen) walks in on you and your partner or spouse having sex. It will happen; it almost always does. But how you respond has a great deal to do with whether your child winds up in therapy later on in life (I'm totally kidding). If you should find yourselves in the throes of passion and your child shows up in your doorway, ask them first if everything is okay and then tell them that you are sharing some private time and that you will see them later. If it is later, and you feel the need to explain what you were doing, this is the time to talk about how people express love in many ways and that you were sharing a private moment with your partner, emphasis on "private." Teens will probably be freaked out entirely, but that's okay. They need to know that adults can have active and fulfilling sex lives no matter how old they are.
SO WHAT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO THEM?
The harsh reality is that if we choose to ignore our kids' questions and concerns, especially those about sexuality, we're sending the message that they are not worthy of the information. Once kids believe that they are less worthy, they make unhealthy and uninformed decisions. By not supplying our youth with accurate information, we unintentionally send them off into the world unprepared and at risk. And that's when the media, and the kids on the school bus, take over and become their primary sexuality educators.
The bottom line is that sticking your head in the sand when it comes to discussing sex doesn't cut it. Even if you think you turned out fine without a parental heart-to-heart, realize that in the twenty-first century sexuality has new meanings and new implications. Even if we consider ourselves "cool parents," there are trends in childhood and adolescent sexuality that may be beyond our comprehension or experience. Back when we were in high school, the girls who had oral sex were called sluts, if we even found out that anyone was actually having it. Today, girls and boys are having it, and the old label may not apply. When we grew up, MTV showed music videos; now it shows raunchy dating games. Today, music is filled with sexually explicit lyrics, popular dances simulate sex, our celebrities are photographed without underwear, and billboards frequently show models without any clothes on, even if they are advertisements for a fashion house. We cannot deny that society is much more explicit now, and wherever you live, sexual imagery is omnipresent. If you haven't yet begun to talk to your kids about sex, I can assure you, your television has. Though this is alarming, it's never too late to make a difference.
Though some kids would rather run naked through their school than bring up sex with you, children of all ages are full of questions about sex. I know this firsthand, as I have had the privilege of working with hundreds of kids and teens each year discussing issues pertaining to human sexuality. What comes up first is confusion about the concept of sexuality—and what makes it different from "sex." Though it is commonly tossed around, "sexuality" is something we are all consumed with but really have no idea what it's all about. By defining sexuality—and understanding that it is more than just who we are attracted to—parents can begin to present a holistic picture of sex to their children. After I gave a lengthy explanation of sexuality, a child recently said to me, "Sex is what you do, sexuality is who you are." She couldn't have been more correct. Sexuality encompasses far more than how you have sex, or if you have it at all. Sexuality is a central part of our identity, and includes our feelings about our gender, how we express ourselves, our sexual orientation, our body image, and, yes, our sexual behaviors.
Tips for Talking
In almost every one of my classes, someone asks me, "How come you aren't embarrassed talking about s-e-x?" Maybe you've been wondering, too. I guess it's because I believe so strongly that the more comfortable we become talking about sexuality, the better we will treat ourselves and the sooner we will begin to make better decisions regarding our sexual choices.
I know that's what you want for your kids: for them to have the self-confidence and self-esteem to make good choices that will keep them safe and healthy. Sure, talking to your kids about these issues is scary. But it is so, so worth whatever slight discomfort you may feel. I always have my students collaborate on "group guidelines" to make our class discussion more comfortable. The following is a set of guidelines for you that may make these conversations less stressful.
1. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. It is perfectly normal to feel anxious or nervous. Just know that you are not the first person to have to do this, nor will you be the last. Instead of ducking a question that makes you nervous or tongue-tied, practice saying, "Even though this may be difficult for me to answer, I will do the best I can."
2. MAKE IT SIMPLE. Don't feel obligated to provide every last scrap of knowledge you possess. Make sure that you understand exactly what your child is asking and answer it. Then stop! For example, my mentor in graduate school used to tell the story of a little boy who came home and asked his mother, "Where do I come from?" The flustered mother racked her brain to come up with the appropriate answer. Finally she spilled her guts and told the boy about sexual intercourse, sperm, eggs, and the birthing process. The child looked up at her and shook his head. "Mommy, Joey comes from New York. Where do I come from?" Before answering a question, find out what your child knows and what specifically she is trying to find out. Keep it simple.
3. NO CLUE? NO PROBLEM. It's okay if you don't know the answer to a question. It's impossible to be an expert on all subjects. Let your child know this. Instead of covering up or getting upset, say, "Let's try to find the answer together." If it isn't appropriate that you make this a joint effort, assure your child that the question was a good one and that you will find the answer for him. Never let your children believe that their questions are bad or stupid!
4. TIMING IS ESSENTIAL. Sometimes a question is asked in an inappropriate setting or at an inappropriate time. It's perfectly reasonable not to answer, but assure your child that you will talk about it at another time. (Of course, this means that you need to follow through.) Timing is also important to kids. Some children tell me, "I wish my parents wouldn't talk about sex in front of my siblings. That's embarrassing!" You know, those children have a point. For them, the dinner table may not be the best place to get them to talk to you. It's your job as a parent to come up with a more comfortable, and convenient, learning environment.
5. BE PATIENT. Children ask lots of questions and may ask the same thing over and over again. Instead of becoming frustrated or angry, give the answer as many times as necessary. Sometimes a repeated question is a sign that a child is confused.
6. PRACTICE MAKES ALMOST-PERFECT. There's no such thing as the perfect conversation. No person can possibly conduct these kinds of conversations without any glitch ... and you know what? That's okay.
7. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS ... SOMETIMES. What you don't say sends as many messages to your kids as what actually comes out of your mouth. So does your body language. If you are physically uncomfortable, your kids will see this and know that they have found a way to push your buttons. If you get up from the table, look away, or nudge your partner every time your child brings up a question or makes a comment about sex, you can be assured that the same question will be asked at your next family . gathering, if not in front of your boss.
8. DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS! No matter how young or old your kids are, they are going to have questions about sex—all types of sex. Just because they ask doesn't mean that they are doing—or have any interest in doing—what they inquired about. It's just a question. If you jump to conclusions and start freaking out or lecturing, they'll never come to you for information or advice again.
Remember: Take advantage of all the opportunities available to talk to your children about sexuality. Share your beliefs and values in a nonthreatening way. If a sexual issue is in the news, on TV, or in a movie, use it as a springboard for discussing that issue with your child. Ask your child for his or her opinion —it will be a good litmus test of their values.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Third Base Ain't What It Used to Be by Logan Levkoff. Copyright © 2007 Logan Levkoff. Excerpted by permission of OPEN ROAD INTEGRATED MEDIA.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Introduction,Chapter 1: Before You Can Get to the Big Topics, You Must Build the Foundation,
Chapter 2: Sex and Values: The Tough Questions Are Still Tough ... and May Be Getting Even Tougher,
Chapter 3: Anatomy and Puberty,
Chapter 4: Masturbation: Why Boys Do and Some Girls Don't,
Chapter 5: Sexual Orientation,
Chapter 6: Sex: Oral, Anal, Vaginal, and None at All,
Chapter 7: Sexual Health: What You Need to Know Now,
Chapter 8: Pregnancy,
Chapter 9: Techno-Sex: Pornography and the Media,
Chapter 10: Talking About Sex: Why It's So Tough,
Acknowledgments,
Appendix A: Sexually Transmitted Diseases,
Appendix B: Contraceptive Options,
Appendix C: Resources,
References,