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CHAPTER 1
DAN AYKROYD
Dan Aykroyd had just signed autographs and posed for pictures for strangers on a New York City sidewalk. I complimented him on his graciousness. Danny: "Every time I do that, those people are someday going to go out and buy tickets to one of my shows — that's what I do, Davis. I sell tickets."
I was sitting with Danny in his SNL dressing room waiting for the next scene to be camera blocked. It was late November 1976.
Danny: "Davis — let's go somewhere for the break. Where would you like to be for Christmas?"
I: "Easter Island — and San Francisco for New Year's!"
Danny: "All right — you research it, make sure your passport hasn't expired — we're going."
Sunday the thirteenth, after the Candice Bergen Christmas show, Dan and I flew LAN Chile from JFK to Santiago. There was one flight a week to Easter Island, the most remote point on the planet in terms of distance and landmass. We had a few days to kill, so we wandered around the European-style metropolis, which impressed us with its wine and beautiful women. There were many soldiers with Uzis standing on street corners and loitering in front of banks and government buildings. Riot-control personnel carriers with water cannons were parked on the median of the boulevard in front of the university.
The snowcapped Andes beckoned us from our hotel window, so Danny rented a Fiat. Looking at a map, we found a destination high in the mountains, called Baños Caliente. Hot baths in the Andes — let's go!
As we went higher up into these mountains, civilization and other cars became less and less frequent. Finally there was a restaurant that looked like a house in Bavaria. Sure enough, it was German, our host was wearing lederhosen, and we dined on Wiener schnitzel and Spaten draft beer. Danny picked up the tab and left a generous tip, as is his custom, and we resumed our quest. Two miles up the road, the pavement disappeared. Twenty miles farther up, the road ended at some kind of mining operation with huge, yellow ore trucks that had tires taller than me, rumbling past each other like titanic bees. But there was a guy with a signal flag and red vest in the middle of the dust-clouded chaos. Danny jumped out of the car and strode up to him, trying to communicate by using the map. He came back and jumped in the car; he was laughing. "Davis — if there's hot baths here, it's probably for the ore. Hot, sulfuric acid ore baths!"
So, we turned around and began speedily retracing our route. When we reached the point where the pavement started, a soldier — an officer with an Uzi — stepped out of a small guardhouse and stood in the middle of the road, signaling us to halt. We complied, and he stuck his head in the window and blathered something in Spanish, to which we could only stammer, "No habla Espanol." He was more frustrated than we were in our inability to understand, and he opened the door and motioned for Dan to get out. Uh oh — we're in the middle of nowhere near a strategic mine, and the junta wants to talk to us. We had told no one where we were going; we'd "disappear" and they'd never find us. Dan got out, and the soldier jumped in the backseat — he wanted a ride! No problemo.
As we circled the island in the LAN Chile DC-8, we could see that Isla de Pascua, or Easter Island, was almost an equilateral triangle with a dormant volcano in each corner. Only a handful of us got off at Rapa Nui Airport, which had only one rusty fire truck parked alongside the single runway. Everyone else stayed onboard for Tahiti and points west.
The owner of the only hotel was a gregarious middle-aged German, named Gerhard, who threw our duffel bags in the back of his pickup truck and drove us to his single story hotel atop a bluff overlooking the shimmering Pacific. The first thing we did was run to the famous, restored monolithic figures that stand in a row, facing west, above the beach. We exulted in their majesty as the sun set.
We ate Pacific lobster tails and drank white wine in the dining room, which, aside from ourselves, was populated only by an older couple from Belgium. Our host, sensing we were game, invited us to go to the "disco."
Our pickup truck pulled up to a Quonset hut, where two or three other smaller vehicles and several bicycles had gathered. Inside were some young Rapanuians wearing T-shirts and flip-flops that glowed beneath two black lights. There was an old record player playing contemporary music, and a folding table where Pisco was served. Pisco is a tequila-like drink distilled from Quebranta grapes common in Central and South America. As we mixed company and drinks, it was clear that there had been a unique civilization that was rapidly evolving — linguistically, culturally, and genetically. Almost everyone was Catholic, Spanish speaking, and of Polynesian/Spanish descent.
The Pisco had a nice stone to it. Danny is a social drinker, but he was most social on this occasion. On the way back to the hotel, he and I were standing in the back of the pickup, holding on to the outside roof of the cabin, but in a rough section of road, Gerhard told us to get off as he traversed some huge potholes. Danny hung on to the back of the truck and let it drag him a hundred feet.
Back in the hotel room, our host produced his stash and a guitar. Danny played his harmonica, and I the guitar, as Gerhard danced enthusiastically while flashing a hunting knife. We wound up in the small swimming pool. I remember Dan took a running dive, clearing the edge by an inch or two. No problem.
The next few days were spent exploring. As we crossed an overgrown field, I stumbled over the nose on a giant stone face. There was a quarry where some of the huge statues (Moai) were unfinished and had yet to be removed from their volcanic beds. There were two small sandy beaches. As far as I could tell, aside from the fishing village that sold to Australian clean-and-freeze fishing trawlers, the only industry was tourism.
I had brought along a paperback copy of Arthur C. Clarke's Childhood's End, a wonderful science-fiction novel in which alien spacecraft eclipse the sun, hover over major cities, and save mankind from itself. Because they resemble devils, and know what the reaction will be, they do not allow humans to see them for a hundred years. I finished it and handed it to Dan, who read it in one sitting.
I had some acid, and we wandered into the most remote place on the island, got lost, and sat down in the shade. A native girl came up to us. Her name was Merina, a sloe-eyed beauty. She guided us to some remarkable spots, and got us back to the town before sunset. Danny was cracking me up all day by grabbing his head and loudly moaning, "The Heads! The Heads!" We would write the Coneheads on the first show back.
As the DC-8 lifted off of Easter Island, I glanced at the in-flight magazine with a feature article about Easter Island's Cave of Skulls. Fuck. I should read about these places before I go to them.
We arrived in Tahiti, Papeete Airport, renting the only vehicle available — a surrey/golf cart thing with what seemed like a lawn mower engine. Danny always drove. We checked into a gorgeous hotel, put on swim trunks, and headed for the beach. I brought a Frisbee. Dan is many things — an actor, writer, musician, master of ceremonies, wielder of chain saws, businessman, rider of motorcycles — but he can't throw a Frisbee to save his life.
As I realized that, two beautiful girls in bikinis came walking up the beach. Honest to God, it was Jodie Foster and a friend. She had just hosted SNL a month before. Jodie could really throw the Frisbee. The four of us washed the sand off in a hot tub, nothing happened, and the girls disappeared.
Dan drove that poor surrey all over the island, with me hanging on. Black sand beaches suck during the day, because they're literally too hot to walk on. Papeete was filled with French sailors, but we had lunch with a French couple who invited us onto their yacht where we smoked their pot. As the sun set, we were sputtering through a funky village on the precipitous side of the volcano. We left the next morning, but as we approached the airport, the transmission froze up — the surrey died.
I: "What do we do now?"
Dan jumped out and hung his leather travel bag over his shoulder. "Get on the plane."
It was a six-seater seaplane that flew us to Rangiroa, a coral atoll 150 miles away. We got a cabana on the beach; there were only a few other wealthy tourists. The bar was on a dock over the azure water. There I met the pro who took people fishing and scuba diving, etcetera. I dubbed him Captain Largo and negotiated a water-skiing session to start and end right there at the bar. "Can I zigzag, or should I stay behind the boat?" Captain Largo: "Do whatever you want." So I got up on a slalom ski and made some nice cuts back and forth, jumping over the wake. This took strong arms, something I've never had. By the time I released the rope and glided to the bar, my whole body was shaking from the effort (I had been showing off). The next day, we tripped while snorkeling in the same area in which I had skied. There were immense coral heads that reached just two feet below the surface. Could've scraped my 'nads off. Captain Fuck-head Largo.
There was this old couple, he dressed in Indian white cotton carrying an expensive walking stick like Gandhi with bling. The bartender said the old guy was considering buying the whole island and operation. Apparently, he was the founder/owner of Club Med — got his start during World War II when the government paid him to create places where concentration camp survivors could recover. Good for him.
On our last day, we were the only ones drinking in the bar in the morning, except for one guy who could really knock 'em back. He had a boat with twin outboards, tied right there at the bar. It turned out he grew up in a suburb of Toronto. "Hi. I'm E. Buzz Miller. How you doin'?" He invited us to his place for lunch, so we hopped in the boat and sped to a nearby atoll, inhabited by natives, dogs, chickens, and pigs — no tourists. We entered his cinder-block house with a corrugated metal roof and met his pretty, native wife who smiled and fetched us each a cool one from the vintage refrigerator. They had a baby and a dog; she didn't speak much English, so the three of us chatted as she made sandwiches.
Dan: "E. Buzz ... how did you make it here from Toronto, eh?" E. Buzz: "It's a funny thing ... I had just graduated from high school, and a couple friends and I were under this bridge, drinking the last bottles of beer from two cases. As I drain it, I says, 'Christ, I'd sell my soul to the devil for a case of IPA [India Pale Ale],' and as soon as I said that, this guy pulls up in a '65 Chrysler, and pulls a case of IPA out of his trunk. After that, everything went to hell so bad, I had to flee the country for good."
E. Buzz now made money by taking pictures of topless native girls for advertising in an interisland tourist newsletter.
We took E. Buzz's name and inspiration to write the first in a series of popular sketches for Danny's character:
Announcer: "And now, Public Access Cable Television Channel D presents ... E. Buzz Miller's Art Classics "[dissolve to E. Buzz Miller and Christie Christina (Laraine Newman) sitting on a couch in a darkened room] E. Buzz Miller: "Good evening, welcome to Public Access Cable Channel D, this is Art Classics. I'm your host, E. Buzz Miller. And my lovely guest to my left here is Miss Christie Christina, and she's opening at the Coach & Pole Bar tomorrow night. But enough talk, let's get right to tonight's art classics." [E. Buzz holds up classic painting of a nude reclining on a bed] E. Buzz Miller: "Now, the first one here is called Venus of Irbino, and it was painted in 1538 by a guy in Venice. And, this is for real, his name is spelled T-I-T-I-A-N. Titian! Honest to God!" Christie Christina: (giggles profusely)
We flew to San Francisco for New Year's Eve with the Grateful Dead at the Cow Palace. I remember Danny dancing with this beautiful, smiling girl whose face was disfigured — probably went through the windshield once. Two years later, the Blues Brothers would open for the same event.
CHAPTER 2
BEGINNINGS
August 7, 1994, a jungle-steamy afternoon on the Rolling Stones' stage in RFK Stadium. Danny is doing a promo for the Voodoo Lounge tour, which would begin the next night. We're all standing around, and Ron Wood and I are discussing the recently released movie, The Mask.
I: "Wow — Jim Carrey ... where did he come from?" Ronnie: "Well ... we all come from somewhere."
Both sets of my maternal great-grandparents were Swedish immigrants named Johnson. The family joke is that when Swann and Anna came over, they were Larsen, but they thought there were too many Larsens, so they changed it. Good Minnesota joke, but it has the ring of truth.
In 1945, dad was twenty years old and in the navy when he served at Okinawa. On the way in, a kamikaze flew over the bow and hit the troop carrier across the way; he heard the screams. He remembers hitting the beach and eating an egg salad sandwich. I don't believe him. He lies all the time. He's always claimed he never saw combat, or shot any Japanese, but he and his buddy were checking out the perimeter in back of the beach and shot a goat by mistake. I probably never would have existed if they hadn't dropped the bomb on Japan twice.
My mother is a twin. As children, she and her sister Jo each had a doll; Jean's was named Tom, and Jo's was Nancy. Jo's firstborn was named Nancy. Mom had married "the businessman" and Jo had married "the cowboy."
In 1951, "the businessman," Don Davis, drove a '49 Studebaker Champion on his rounds as regional Scotch Tape salesman in half of Montana out of Great Falls. But he had just been promoted by 3M, and reassigned to Minneapolis, his hometown. Jean Jacqueline Johnson was a waitress in the Skyroom restaurant on the top floor of Dayton's department store, which is ten stories high. As Miss Dayton, she became Queen of the Lakes, to reign for a year for the Aquatennial, a summer celebration in Minneapolis.
When they married, she was twenty and very passive, he was twenty-five and a controlling adult child of an alcoholic. I came a year later. As a tot, I grew up before a television. For The Mickey Mouse Club, I wore the mouse-ears cap while I watched.
My father started me skiing at age two. Before that, I rode in a rucksack on his back with my arms around his neck as he swooped down a snow-covered hill, something that would be frowned upon today. I still love him for it.
I have an early recollection — maybe age four or five. My mother, being a recent Aquatennial Queen, was going to be on a float in the Aquatennial Parade, and my dad was going to be a clown. Someone had given him a clown-makeup kit and he showed it to me — a laminate box with a handle and luggage snaps that opened like a fishing tackle box. He pointed out the sweet-smelling grease paints, brushes, face cloths, cold cream, and the mirror attached to the inside of the opened top cover. I remember sitting in the bleachers of Parade Stadium with my grandmother, watching fat Shriners on pimped Harleys followed by some clowns. My grandmother pointed.
Grandma: "Look, Tommy — there's your dad. See that clown?"
I: "No."
Grandma: "There — that one with the bald cap and orange smile."
I: "No!"
Grandma: "And there's your mom — see?"
I could see Mom fine, but I could not recognize my father. To this day, I dislike clowns, circuses, makeup, and sweet-smelling soaps and cologne.
Dad also taught me how to swim enough to take lessons (provided free for children by the Minnesota School System summer program). Dad taught me to play baseball, football, and tennis. He gave me a boxing lesson because some day I would come up against a bully, "and the first thing you do is punch him in the nose" (my father is a lifelong knee-jerk Republican). When I was afraid of being hit in the boxing lesson, my dad, who was kneeling (I was five), dropped his gloved hands to his side.
Dad: "Go ahead, Tommy, hit me in the face as hard as you can."
I (shyly): "No."
Dad: "Go ahead. You can't hurt me."
I: "I don't want to."
Dad: "I'm not going to hit you back. Go ahead — hit me!"
I was an athletic five-year-old, and I hauled off and clocked him with a right hook to the nose. He fell forward onto his hands and shook his head, then went back to his knees as he checked to see if his nose was bleeding.
Dad: "Wow! I didn't know you could hit like that."
I: "I'm sorry, but you told me to hit you."
Dad: "I know. It's okay." But that was the end of the boxing lesson.
At that time, we moved into a new house, and the next day my mother was bathing me when the phone rang. When she left to answer it, I thought it would be funny to play dead, so when she returned, I was motionless and floating facedown in the tub. She did not think it was funny at all.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Thirty-Nine Years Of Short-Term Memory Loss"
by .
Copyright © 2009 Tom Davis.
Excerpted by permission of Grove Atlantic, Inc..
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