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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781481718158 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AuthorHouse |
| Publication date: | 03/20/2013 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 88 |
| File size: | 4 MB |
Read an Excerpt
Tiger Pause
Lost in a Jungle called AlcoholismBy Nancy L. White
AuthorHouse
Copyright © 2011 Nancy L. WhiteAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4634-3550-9
Chapter One
Now let me introduce you to the man I lovingly call –"Tiger"
I met him in the fall of 1958, and almost immediately we were inseparable. Dating was such fun. We could do anything, or nothing. We could talk, or just enjoy the silence. We could discuss serious subjects, or laugh about trivial things. It was more than I imagined it could be, and I was head over heels in love. I remember coming home from a date with him. I was bubbling over with excitement, and Mom was sitting at the kitchen table with a big smile and a cup of tea. I made one for myself, and though I don't remember, I'm sure we enjoyed it with chocolate. All our important conversations were over tea and chocolate. I told her I was in love. I told her how he made me feel smart and beautiful, and how he made me laugh. She understood - She and Dad had been married more than 30 years and were still very much in love.
First date in the balcony of the movie theatre
First kiss, holding hands - laughing
So many kisses at traffic lights
Car horns blowing behind us - laughing
Roller skating- me skating rings around you
You falling and tripping me up - laughing
Bowling - your ball knocking the pins down
Mine disappears into a black hole – laughing
Dinner date - you trying to get me to like lobster
I did, lobster for two is expensive - laughing
Going to football games and wrestling meets
Being competitive about our schools – laughing
"Our moments almost always include laughter"
Our mouths were filled with laughter
Our tongues with songs of joy
Psalm 126:2
Current Reflection –
It was an evening late in November 1958 - We came home from a date, and it was snowing – big, beautiful flakes that covered the ground, and made walking in high heels difficult. Instead of walking me to the door that night, he picked me up and carried me into the house. It was that romantic night he asked me to go steady. I said, "Yes", and we exchanged class rings. I wore his ring on a chain close to my heart, or wrapped it with tape until it fit my finger. He wore my ring on his little finger. It was a fun fad in the 1950's to let people know we were in love.
How do I know I love him?
I know I love him, because -
I thought I was in love before
But there was never a day, or even a moment
That I felt like I do now
What a mistake I would have made
Had I married a man then, and never felt the want, the need
The total feeling of peace that I feel when I'm with him
When I'm away from him, I count the minutes until he returns
Then I'm with him, I bask in the sunshine of his presence
My only need is to be with him
And when I am my day is complete
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart
Psalm 37:4
Current Reflection –
By December 1958, we were spending every moment we could together - and on New Years Eve 1959, he asked me to marry him. We knew people would think it was too soon, so we waited until April to announce it. In the meantime, he planned to ask my parents for their blessings. We laughed as months went by, and he still hadn't had the courage to ask them. Soon it was my birthday – the day we were going to pick out my diamond ring, and I told my mother we were going shopping. She smiled and asked, "Why don't you invite him to come for breakfast"? Finally, we had the opportunity to announce our plans, receive their blessings, and celebrate my birthday. It was the beginning of one of those perfect days you remember forever.
Born to see love - To be love
To share in love - To care in love
To live by love - Forgive with love
Lie beside love
Die in love
And
Want to always be remembered for our love
And now these three remain
Faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love
1 Corinthian 13:13
Current Reflection –
Autumn leaves surrounded us, family and friends joined us, and on October 10th 1959 we exchanged the vows that would connect us forever. As I walked down the aisle, I wore the pearls he gave me to wear on this special day – He said "Pearls connected were a promise of endless love". A small white bible was nestled in my bridal bouquet - A symbol of the faith we shared. Later that day when we were alone I presented him with "My Wedding Day Promise" - A celebration of our love.
"My Wedding Day Promise"
Loving you is what I do best - Wanting you is what I do most
My entire being, with the exception of my soul that belongs to God
Is immersed in the presence of you
I come to you as innocent and as filled with love as a newborn
I am prepared to take my place beside you, forever with you
To fit with comfort and content
I want us to be one in strength - One in compassion
One in mind and body
This thing called love envelopes me
It melts me into a pool of dreams
Hold me and I am yours
Have me and I am you
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother, and be united to his wife
And the two will become one flesh
Ephesians 5:31
Current Reflection –
We settled easily into married life, and soon started our family – welcoming a baby boy in October 1960, and a baby girl in October 1961. Again we celebrated our most special moments surrounded by autumn leaves. Now we were not only in love, but also loving taking care of our two busy toddlers. Their precious presence made our lives complete. Their needs were more time consuming then we ever could have imagined. Our focus shifted to feeding, cuddling, loving, and caring for them. What fun it was reading bedtime stories and tucking them into bed at night – together. It was a magical time, and for the next few years the magic continued - but, by the mid 1960's he began stopping at a bar on the way home from work. If he wasn't too late, I kept the children up until he came home. However, as time went by - late nights became even later, the children started kindergarten, and early bedtime was imperative. I could no longer keep them up long enough to see him on those late nights. It wasn't until years later he realized what he had missed.
I'm trying to remember how many evenings I've spent alone lately
Then when he finally comes home
I'm saddened by the change in his personality
The man I fell in love with – brilliant, funny, and caring
Is now sometimes – stupid, silly, and obnoxious
There are excuses and apologies, of course
But apologies that don't change anything are meaningless
Most of the time things are great, and I know I shouldn't complain
But as less is expected, and more is accepted
My fears pour out in my journals
The clock ticks away the hours
And I wonder when he'll be home
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb
So you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things
Ecclesiastes 11:5
Current Reflection –
We loved living in the country where we enjoyed nature to its fullest with our children. We caught frogs, turtles, caterpillars and snakes. Actually, I'm afraid of snakes, so only he caught snakes with them - but we watched butterflies, and picked buttercups that we held under our chins to see if we liked butter. We blew dandelion's white fluffy seeds into the wind, and picked daisies that were supposed to tell us if someone loved us – or not. We took them fishing, and exchanged a glance and a smile when they caught a fish. Even as a little fellow, Danny loved to catch the big ones, but Cathy would jump up on the seat screaming, "Throw it out of the boat". Though Tiger's drinking was already becoming frustrating sometimes, our laughter and love were wrapping around our children, and wonderful memories were emerging that would last forever.
The children and I love to walk through the fields blowing dandelion's fluff
Picking daisies, removing petals one at a time, playing a childhood game
He loves me - He loves me not
Now it seems all too real, as I say to myself
"Does he love me?" "Does he love me not?"
And, as I bury my face in a bouquet of daisies
I wilt the petals with my tears
While whispering -
He loves me? He loves me not?
He loves me? He loves me not?
He loves me!
I pluck the petals from the daisy, and I lie or cheat or be discreet
But always - "He loves me!"
Now the Lord had planted a garden in the east, in Eden
And there he put the man he had formed
Genesis 2:8
Current Reflection –
How many times did I pray for sober? How many times did we argue, because he wasn't sober? Questions I asked myself as I tried to decide - Was it his problem or mine, and why was sober so important?
Only time, sobriety, and serenity Would prove the enormous importance of the word – SOBER
I wish I could look out the window, and see you - sober
I wish I could go to bed, and lay beside you – sober
I wish I could answer the phone, and hear your voice – sober
I wish I could read a good book, and share it with you – sober
I wish I could play with the kids, and you would join us – sober
I wish I could cook a meal, and you would eat with us – sober
I wish I could hear a song, and you would be singing – sober
Sober – such a funny little word with such a big responsibility
Wine is a mocker, and beer a brawler
Whoever is led astray by them is not wise
Proverbs 20:1
Current Reflection –
Romantic young girls dream of love and marriage, happily ever after, forever and ever. I was one of those girls - who thought about it, wrote about it, and when I got married was sure I had it all. However, by the late 1960's, though I believed in marriage and he believed in marriage - in the "Jungle Called Alcoholism" it was becoming more difficult to believe. My natural instinct was to pour my heart out in my journals, and it became a way to calm my fears, and dispel my anger. It gave me time to think and pray, and sometimes act on - rather then react to what I believed were impossible situations. I'm sure it helped to avoid some arguments.
The falling stars, and stolen kisses
Soft moon's glow, a love delicious
Dreams of tomorrow, together to share
Tender caresses, whispers we care
Sunset and sunrise, unusually bright
Day and day dreams, reality at night
Plans of a marriage, made holding hands
Diamond of love, two wedding bands
Today was today, and forever would be
Time changes love, we couldn't foresee
Our acme of courtship, the first few years
Showed no free spirit, drowned in your beers
Sometimes I blame me, other times you
Why does it change things?
I wish that I knew
With man this is impossible, but not with God
All things are possible with God
Mark 10:27
Current Reflection –
By 1970, there were days my optimism and strength surprised me, and there were days my pessimism and weakness worried me. There were times I thought I needed to stay for our children's sake, and there were times I thought I should leave for our children's sake. There were times I thought, if I didn't move to save myself, we would surely be lost in "The Jungle" together – forever.
Whisper the words
Lest centuries of wasted loves
Add to its failures
Our love too
I cannot fathom the possibility
Or bear the insanity
Of going there
Where fallen relationships lie
And wait to die
God is our refuge and strength
An ever present help in trouble
Psalm 46:1
Current Reflection –
Years after I wrote "Three Beers" in my journal, he found sobriety. It was then he asked to read what I had written, and encouraged me to put my thoughts in a book to share with others. By sharing these thoughts, he was convinced we could help another family suffering from the affects of alcoholism. He admitted he always wondered how other people came into bars, had a beer or two and went home - while he couldn't leave until he had one last drink, and then another, and another, and another, and another. Only the next drink was important until it was gone, and then the next drink was important. At home I was learning not to ask questions. "How much did you have to drink tonight", always prompted the answer "Three Beers". I knew it wasn't true, and he knew I didn't believe him.
"Three beers", he says
"Three Beers"
And I see the years melt away
When did I first hear those words?
"Three Beers"
And when did I first stop believing him?
Was it before he stopped coming home for dinner?
Was it before he started falling asleep on the sofa?
Was it before I couldn't wake him up to go to bed?
Was it before he stopped kissing me "Good Night"?
Was it before I became impatient with him?
Was it before I realized he was an alcoholic?
Was it before I realized how many tears you can cry?
And not drown in the aftermath of
"Three Beers"
Along familiar paths I will guide them
I will turn the darkness into light before them, and make the rough places smooth
These are the things I will do. I will not forsake them
Isaiah 42:16
Current Reflection –
I was a typical co-alcoholic, still believing I could fix this thing, if I could just control our environment. The bars where he spent so much time were an easy target for my anger, so somewhere along the way I learned to blame them. I blamed the people who owned them, and I blamed the patrons that frequented them. Over the years I learned - the problem wasn't the owners of the bars, the problem wasn't the patrons who frequented them, and the problem wasn't me. The problem was addiction.
Journal Entry – Spring of 1972
Mr. Bartender,
There's a man in your bar: I'm sure you know him. He's the man who tells jokes, and makes you laugh. He's the one who shoots darts, plays pool, and sits in on your card games night after night, while his children wait for him to come home and play with them. He's the one who recently loaned someone in your bar his last five bucks, and never asked for its return - even though we can't afford it. He's the one who listens to your problems, but doesn't realize he has a problem of his own. He's the man who smiles when you need a smile, but by the time he comes home he's had too much to drink and neither one of us feels like smiling. You see, he and his family suffer from his drinking. To help you understand what that means, let me tell you some things about this man in your bar. He has so much love and pride in his family when he doesn't drink too much. He enjoys watching his children compete in sports, catch a fish, or paint a picture. He has a great sense of humor, and loves to make them and me laugh. He sits with us in church, and his voice sings the hymns loud and clear. He has a beautiful voice, and sings romantic songs to me, and sings wonderfully funny songs with our children. But when he stops at your bar and stays too long, all of these things are lost to him and to us. So please, Mr. Bartender, don't give him another drink. Please encourage him to come home safely to us, and we will be forever grateful.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition With thanksgiving Present your requests to God Philippians 4:6
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Tiger Pause by Nancy L. White Copyright © 2011 by Nancy L. White. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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