What to Do If a Bird Flies in the House: And 72 Other Things You Ought to Know By Now

by Elizabeth Nix, Elizabeth Hurchalla

Overview

What to Do If a Bird Flies in the House is a girls' guide to solving life's most vexing problems

Everything You Thought You'd Know By Now (But Don't)

Don't be daunted by the daily dilemmas modern life throws at you! It may seem as though every able-bodied person you know can change a tire, eat a lobster and give a massage, but--believe it or not--it's not uncommon to reach adulthood with glaring holes in one's skill set. This sleek little book is the perfect manual to plug those holes, giving you everything you need on a subject in two or three efficient pages. Why not learn to:

--help someone who's fainted?
--prevent jetlag?
--look great in photos?
--avoid getting a speeding ticket?
--choose the right wine?
--find a bra that fits?
--parallel park?
--plus 66 other essential skills

All the information you need for a quick fix to a more fabulous life is right in these pages.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781429978880
Publisher:	St. Martin's Publishing Group
Publication date:	04/07/2003
Sold by:	Macmillan
Format:	eBook
Pages:	224
File size:	347 KB

About the Author

Elizabeth Hurchalla is the author of Getting Over Him: Cosmo's Complete Breakup Survival Handbook and a co-editor of Tagbook: The Book Of Questions And Answers.

Elizabeth Nix has written for a variety of publications, including Cosmopolitan and Mademoiselle. Together, Hurchalla and Nix are the authors of Why Don't You....701 Ways To Jump-Start Your Life.

Elizabeth Nix has written for a variety of publications, including Cosmopolitan and Mademoiselle. Together, Hurchalla and Nix are the authors of Why Don’t You....701 Ways To Jump-Start Your Life.

Read an Excerpt

What to Do If a Bird Flies in the House

And 72 Other Things You Ought to Know by Now

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By Elizabeth Nix, Elizabeth Hurchalla, Wendy Letven

St. Martin's Press

Copyright © 2003 Elizabeth Nix and Elizabeth Hurchalla
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4299-7888-0

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CHAPTER 1

HOW TO GET A STUCK RING OFF

Rings on your fingers, bells on your toes.... Although bells on your toes may cause you more problems in the long run (you're a real killjoy at surprise parties, aren't you?), that ring on your finger can be tricky too. Oh, it's swell when it's on — it's just when you try to take it off that things can get sticky. Here's how to get a ring unstuck:

1. Don't try to force the ring off, since this may just make your finger swell more. Instead, raise your hand to eye level. Then wrap some ice in a washcloth or a couple of paper towels and hold it around the finger the ring's on. This should reduce the swelling and help you get the thing off.

2. If the ring still won't budge, run your hands under cold water, soap them up, and rub above and below the ring. Then twist the ring like you're unscrewing it instead of just pulling it straight off.

CHAPTER 2

WHAT TO DO IF YOU SEE A BEAR IN THE WOODS

The bad news about bears is that they can run faster than you can. The good news is that they're solitary creatures who would much rather spend the day foraging for nuts and berries than bumping into you amidst the birches. Fortunately, you need never meet in the first place, provided you take a few precautions when hiking in bear country: travel in groups of at least three people; clap, talk, sing loudly, or hang a bell from your pack to avoid surprising bears; make sure any food and other scented stuff (like deodorant, toothpaste, and trash) is stored in Ziploc bags inside your pack; and hightail it the other way if you see any fresh tracks, droppings, or animal carcasses lying around. If, despite your best efforts, you still run into a bear, here's what to do:

1. Remain calm. Most bears don't want to attack you; they just want to make sure you're not a threat.

Even if a bear charges at you, stand your ground and try not to panic: chances are, the bear is bluffing and will turn away at the last second.

2. Don't run! Running can result in an attack — instead, back away slowly. If it's impossible to back away or if your actions appear to be pissing off the bear, wait until it moves away. Always leave the bear an escape route.

3. Avoid eye contact, sudden movements, yelling, and anything else that the bear might interpret as a sign of aggression. If the bear thinks you're challenging it, it might try to fight.

4. If the bear does attack — don't worry, this is very rare — defend yourself aggressively with your hands, a stick, a rock, or anything else lying around that you think might help. Do whatever it takes to let the bear know you aren't easy prey and make it give up. (If you've heard that you're supposed to lie down and play dead, you're right — but only if you're dealing with grizzly bears, which are much less common than the black bear found all over the United States. Grizzlies tend to be larger and more powerful; however, they're also quite rare and found in only a few northwestern states.)

5. Once the bear backs down and starts to leave the area, stay where you are until it's gone; if the bear sees you move, it might attack again.

CHAPTER 3

HOW TO GET TICKETS TO A SOLD-OUT CONCERT

So your all-time favorite band/opera singer/mime troupe is coming to town and you absolutely have to be there. Trouble is, the tickets sold out in ten minutes — and you didn't get one. But "sold out" doesn't necessarily mean all tickets are taken. Here's how to improve your chances of seeing the show (without succumbing to scalpers):

1. Check with the box office or ticket seller every day for at least a week or two after the tickets are "sold out." Most likely, some credit cards won't get approved and some orders will be canceled, so those tickets will go back on sale.

2. On the day of the performance, call or visit the box office a few hours before showtime, when many venues release extra tickets held for their own staff, the artist's guest list, and/or ticketing mix-ups. It's a long shot, but you could get lucky and score a seat.

3. Another option, although pretty pricey, is to try a ticket-broker service. These services acquire tickets for a variety of popular entertainment and sports events and then resell them for a premium. You can locate brokers by typing "ticket brokers" into any online search engine or by looking for ads in the arts or lifestyle section of your newspaper. Not all services are legit, however; check with the National Association of Ticket Brokers (www.natb.org) to find a trustworthy company in your area.

CHAPTER 4

WHAT TO DO IF YOU SPILL A DRINK ON YOUR COMPUTER KEYBOARD

Friends don't let friends drink and use hard drives. Hey, spills can kill your keyboard, so if you do knock a beverage onto it, don't waste time crying over spilled milk (or mochaccino, as the case may be). Instead, take steps to minimize the damage:

1. If the spill is on your desktop keyboard, make sure your hands are dry, then unplug the keyboard from the computer.

2. Dab the affected keys with a slightly damp cloth, being careful not to get any moisture underneath them.

3. Flip the keyboard upside down to drain and let it dry completely for at least twenty-four hours. If you can't function without your keyboard for that long, you can dry it off with a hair dryer, but use a cool setting — you don't want any of the keys to get hot.

4. Reconnect the keyboard to the computer and see if it works. If not, and it's water you spilled, look, you've done all you could; at least keyboards are relatively inexpensive to replace.

5. If it's coffee, soda, or another sticky drink, on the other hand, remove the keys that got spilled on. On most keyboards, you can pop off a key by wedging a screwdriver under it and pulling up. But first, make sure you know where to put the keys back — draw a diagram if you have to. And don't even try taking off the space bar, enter key, shift keys, or any other large keys, since they can be very tough to put back into place. Clean the detached keys with Q-tips dampened with water, then carefully swab the surface of the keyboard under the keys you've removed to get rid of any sticky residue. Allow the keys to dry completely before putting them back on, then reconnect the computer to the keyboard and hope it works this time.

6. If you spill something on your laptop keyboard, you are one unlucky lady, because liquid on a laptop can make its way into critical internal parts like the motherboard or hard drive and cause serious damage. Don't try to take the laptop apart and clean up the mess yourself. Instead, make sure your hands are dry, then turn off the computer, unplug it, remove the battery, and contact the manufacturer or a service representative for help.

CHAPTER 5

HOW TO FIND THE NORTH STAR

Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder where you are. For all the fame the North Star claims, few actually know how to find it. Most stars rise and set, just like the sun and moon. But the North Star, also known as Polaris, is like the hub of a wheel — it stays put in the northern sky while other stars circle around it. That's why if you're facing Polaris, you know you're facing north. And in the U.S., as long as the sky is clear, you should be able to see the North Star any time of the night, any night of the year. So, if you get lost and you've left home without your compass — again — here's how to find your guiding star:

1. Locate the seven stars that form the Big Dipper — look for the rectangular bowl and angled handle.

2. Draw a line from the bottom star on the outside of the bowl to the top star on the outside, then extend that line about five times its length up from the bowl, and you'll be very near the North Star. (If you look at the sky a few hours later, the Big Dipper will appear to have rotated to a new position, but the two stars on the outside of the bowl will still point to Polaris.)

3. To double-check that you've got the right star, find the constellation Cassiopeia, a group of five bright stars shaped like a lopsided "M" (or "W" when it's low in the sky). Cassiopeia revolves slowly around Polaris and is always almost directly opposite the Big Dipper. The North Star is straight out from Cassiopeia's center star, about the same distance as from the Big Dipper.

CHAPTER 6

HOW TO AVOID GETTING A SPEEDING TICKET

Want a surefire guarantee you'll never get another speeding ticket for the rest of your driving days? Don't speed. Look, speeding can lead to accidents — not to mention, uh, speeding tickets. But if you do it anyway and get busted, there are ways to sweet-talk the cops who stop you and decrease your chances of getting slapped with a serious fine:

1. If you're speeding and you suddenly notice a police car in your rearview mirror, gradually slow down and give the officer a little wave so he knows you see him, as though you'd like to thank him for helping you realize you were going a little too fast. Sometimes just that small gesture of acknowledgment and respect will be enough to get the police to move on.

2. If the cop stays right behind you and still seems to want you to pull over, do so before he turns the sirens on — if it's a big production just to get you to stop, he's already going to be pissed. Carefully drive onto the right shoulder and get over as far as you can. Remember, the cop has to approach the driver's side window. Making it dangerous to do so will not help your cause.

3. If you're wearing sunglasses, take them off. How are you going to convince the cop to give you a break if you can't even go to the effort of making eye contact?

4. If it's nighttime, turn on the interior light in the car so the officer doesn't have to wonder whether there's a gun on the passenger seat.

5. Turn off the radio.

6. Roll down your window all the way.

7. Put your hands on the steering wheel at ten and two o'clock. Although the cop is going to need your license and registration, don't reach for them until asked. Again, if your hands are in sight, you're obviously not reaching for a weapon, hiding drugs, or doing anything else a respectable citizen who should be let go wouldn't do.

8. If there are passengers in the car, tell them to put their hands on their laps and let you do the talking.

9. When the cop comes to your window, say, "Good afternoon [or morning or evening, obviously], Officer." A friendly greeting may put the cop in a more lenient state of mind.

10. If the cop asks if you know how fast you were going, say some variation of, "I'm not sure, Officer, but I know I must have been speeding or you wouldn't have stopped me. I guess I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been, but it wasn't intentional, and it won't happen again." Then shut up. If the officer launches into a lecture, sit there and nod your head. Most people who are pulled over pretend they have no idea why. This does nothing but annoy the officer, who knows damn well that you know damn well that you were doing your best Mario Andretti impersonation mere moments before. Instead, disarm the cop by showing respect, admitting that you screwed up, and promising to cut it out.

11. If you're feeling particularly nervy, you could even try this: "Officer, I know I was going faster than I should have been, but could you please follow me to the nearest rest area and give me the ticket there? I'm sorry, but I really, really have to go!" Then ask for directions to the closest place with a restroom. Chances are good that the officer will just give you a warning rather than waste time following you around. If you are let go, however, do in fact stop at the next rest area, just in case the cop's keeping an eye on you.

12. If the cop simply asks to see your license and registration (which you should always have easily accessible) before turning to head back to the patrol car, make sure you plead your case while you still can. Because each one has its own serial number, a ticket that's already written can't be ripped up, so it's imperative that you do whatever convincing you're going to do before the officer goes to fill out your ticket.

CHAPTER 7

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR NAME

A rose is a rose by any other name, but Rose by another name might be Anastasia. It's easy to change your name if you're getting married or divorced, since it can be an automatic part of the process, but switching your name for other reasons — because you want to take on a name that's easier to pronounce, go by a stage name, change your identity to escape an abusive relationship, or just be called something other than the birth name you've always hated — requires more work. Here's what to do:

1. Choose a new name that's legit. You can't pick a name that would interfere with someone else's rights or be intentionally confusing, meaning you can't legally call yourself Angelina Jolie or a punctuation mark, number, or symbol (Prince's little stunt notwithstanding). Don't get any funny ideas about making a name change for fraudulent purposes like to avoid paying debts, keep from being sued, or get away with a crime.

2. Contact the clerk's office of your local court (look in the blue government pages of your phone book) to find out if you have to get a court order to legally change your name. In some states you don't have to do anything except change your name by usage, which means you just start using a new name in all aspects of your life. However, getting a new passport or other types of identification documents can be tough or impossible if you change your name by usage only, so even if that's an option in your state, getting a court order is probably worth the effort.

3. If you are required (or decide) to get a court order, fill out the necessary forms and make copies of them for your records before turning them in to the court clerk. You'll also need to file a request for a hearing in front of a judge (which should take place about six weeks later) and probably pay a small filing fee.

4. Follow the court's rules for giving public notice of your name change by placing an announcement in a newspaper in the county where you live; you'll have to show proof of publication at your hearing. Generally, your announcement has to run for at least three consecutive weeks. However, if you're a victim of domestic violence or child abuse and don't want to be found, you're exempt from this requirement altogether.

5. Go to your court hearing. The judge will review your petition and most likely sign a decree granting your name change.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from What to Do If a Bird Flies in the House by Elizabeth Nix, Elizabeth Hurchalla, Wendy Letven. Copyright © 2003 Elizabeth Nix and Elizabeth Hurchalla. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Title Page,
INTRODUCTION,
1 - HOW TO GET A STUCK RING OFF,
2 - WHAT TO DO IF YOU SEE A BEAR IN THE WOODS,
3 - HOW TO GET TICKETS TO A SOLD-OUT CONCERT,
4 - WHAT TO DO IF YOU SPILL A DRINK ON YOUR COMPUTER KEYBOARD,
5 - HOW TO FIND THE NORTH STAR,
6 - HOW TO AVOID GETTING A SPEEDING TICKET,
7 - HOW TO CHANGE YOUR NAME,
8 - HOW TO TWEEZE YOUR EYEBROWS,
9 - HOW TO OPEN A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE,
10 - HOW NOT TO KILL A HOUSEPLANT,
11 - HOW TO INTERPRET BODY LANGUAGE,
12 - HOW TO PARALLEL-PARK,
13 - HOW TO STAY SAFE IN A TORNADO,
14 - HOW TO SET THE TABLE FOR A DINNER PARTY,
15 - HOW TO TREAT POISON IVY,
16 - HOW TO CHOOSE A WINE TO GO WITH YOUR MEAL,
17 - HOW TO FOOL BURGLARS INTO THINKING YOU'RE HOME WHEN YOU'RE NOT,
18 - HOW TO MAKE YOUR PERFUME LAST,
19 - HOW TO WRITE A CONDOLENCE NOTE,
20 - HOW TO START A CAMPFIRE,
21 - HOW TO GET A FAMILY HEIRLOOM APPRAISED,
22 - HOW TO HOUSE-TRAIN A PUPPY,
23 - HOW TO GET BUMPED FROM A FLIGHT ON PURPOSE,
24 - HOW TO CHANGE A FLAT TIRE,
25 - HOW TO BUY A DIAMOND,
26 - HOW TO HEM A SKIRT,
27 - HOW TO CRACK A COCONUT,
28 - HOW TO GET THE SMELL OF SMOKE OUT OF A ROOM,
29 - HOW TO BET ON A HORSE,
30 - HOW TO BUY A USED CAR,
31 - HOW TO BREW COFFEE,
32 - HOW TO FIX A CLOGGED TOILET,
33 - HOW TO CARVE A TURKEY,
34 - HOW TO FEND OFF AN ATTACKER,
35 - HOW TO FLY AN AMERICAN FLAG,
36 - HOW TO USE CHOPSTICKS,
37 - HOW TO LOOK GREAT IN PHOTOS,
38 - HOW TO MAKE A TOAST,
39 - HOW TO WEAR RED LIPSTICK,
40 - HOW NOT TO GET RIPPED OFF BY A MECHANIC,
41 - WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE FAINTS,
42 - HOW TO RESCUE A BABY BIRD THAT'S FALLEN FROM ITS NEST,
43 - HOW TO SLEEP WITH A SNORER,
44 - HOW TO SHUCK AN OYSTER,
45 - HOW TO PLAY DARTS,
46 - WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CAR BREAKS DOWN AT NIGHT,
47 - HOW TO PREVENT JET LAG,
48 - HOW TO TIE A MAN'S TIE,
49 - HOW TO GET RED WINE OUT OF A RUG,
50 - HOW TO GRILL A BURGER,
51 - HOW TO JUMP-START A CAR,
52 - HOW TO FIND A BRA THAT FITS,
53 - HOW TO EAT A LOBSTER,
54 - HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR CREDIT RATING,
55 - HOW TO MIX A MARTINI,
56 - HOW TO SELL YOUR CAR,
57 - WHAT TO DO WITH AN ARTICHOKE,
58 - HOW TO CHOOSE THE BEST GLASSES FOR YOUR FACE,
59 - WHAT TO DO WITH A HALF-FINISHED BOTTLE OF WINE,
60 - HOW TO GIVE A BACK MASSAGE,
61 - HOW TO CUT A PINEAPPLE,
62 - HOW TO MAKE CUT FLOWERS LAST,
63 - HOW TO SIGNAL ON A BIKE,
64 - HOW TO PLAY POKER,
65 - HOW TO REMOVE CANDLE WAX FROM A TABLECLOTH,
66 - HOW TO RESCUE AN EARRING THAT'S FALLEN DOWN THE DRAIN,
67 - HOW TO MAKE AN OMELET,
68 - HOW TO HIT A POOL BALL,
69 - HOW TO RESCUE AN OVERBAKED CAKE,
70 - HOW TO CURE A HANGOVER,
71 - HOW MUCH TO TIP,
72 - HOW TO READ A PALM,
73 - WHAT TO DO IF A BIRD FLIES IN THE HOUSE,
Also by Elizabeth Nix and Elizabeth Hurchalla,
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS,
Copyright Page,