When Love's in View: Finding Focus in Dating and Relationships

When Love's in View: Finding Focus in Dating and Relationships

by Dr. Conway Edwards, Jada Edwards

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When Love's in View: Finding Focus in Dating and Relationships by Dr. Conway Edwards, Jada Edwards

Dr. Conway Edwards, the singles pastor at Oak Cliff Bible Church in Texas, along with his wife, Jada, writes from the heart to Christian singles about the best way to prepare for marriage. Discussing courtship and dating from a biblical perspective, they also share their personal story- including the mistakes they made along the way. The result is a thought-provoking, encouraging manual on making the most of your single years, and getting yourself ready for marriage.

This hard-hitting manual is both warm and honest as the Edwards share their stories of singless and marriage, as well as unearth many gems found in God's Word regarding relationships and the importance of personal spiritual maturity. Treasures include:

  • Definition of a R.E.A.L. man
  • Six behaviors of a godly man
  • How women S.E.R.V.E. as a helpmate
  • Eight behaviors of a godly woman
  • Seven biblical truths regarding relationships and marriage
  • Using F.A.I.T.H. to identify lasting qualities in a mate
  • Seven-point character inspection
  • Frequently Asked Questions regarding Christian dating and relationships

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780802480873
Publisher: Moody Publishers
Publication date: 01/01/2008
Edition description: New Edition
Pages: 147
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.44(d)

About the Author

CONWAY EDWARDS (Dallas Theological Seminary, Regent University) is Lead Pastor of the church, One, which ministers to the evolving communities of Plano, Allen, Frisco, and McKinney, Texas. He is also the Executive Director for the US-based ministry Caribbean Choice for Christ and the president of the National Center for Christian Leadership-Jamaica. Conway is the author of Leading a Turnaround Ministry: A Process for Exponential Growth. He co-authored When Love¿s in View: Finding Focus in Dating and Relationships and The Undercover Woman with his wife, Jada. He and Jada reside in Allen, Texas.

JADA EDWARDS is an experienced speaker, Bible teacher, and mentor and holds a Master of Business Administration from the University of Texas at Dallas. She currently serves as the Creative Arts Architect for her church, One, where she seeks to serve the evolving communities of Collin County through creative expression and cultural relevance. She also works in new business development, partner relations and marketing for Caribbean Choice for Christ. Jada and her husband, Conway, have co-authored two books: When Love¿s in View: Finding Focus in Dating and Relationships and The Undercover Woman: A Guide for Single Women and Their Spiritual Fathers. Jada lives in Allen, Texas with her husband.

Read an Excerpt

When Loves in View finding focus in dating and relationships

By Conway Edwards Jada Edwards Moody Publishers Copyright © 2008 Dr. Conway and Jada Edwards
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-8024-8087-3

Chapter One the journey begins

This story began at a time in my life when God chose to teach me about spiritual maturity. You see, He was ready for me to grow in my character and went about capturing my attention in a very interesting way. I had been in America for about three years. I was pursuing my master's degree in business while serving as youth pastor for a church in San Diego, California. As far as I was concerned, life was wonderful. I was enjoying school, but most of all I enjoyed my role in ministering to young people. Little did I know-my life was about to drastically change.

One day while studying, a young lady ran up to me, crying. "You don't know me," she began, "but I know you. You're the youth pastor at our church. I just lost my thesis when the computer crashed. Could you pray for me?"

"I'd love to; let's pray," I replied. After all, I was a youth pastor at the church, and it was my duty to support any member during such an anxious time. That prayer began an interesting relationship between us. We started talking more at church, as well as spending time together outside of church. It wasn't too long before we became very good friends. She was a sweet young lady who loved ministry. We had great conversations. We laughed together, ministered together, went out on dates, and took trips together. She became an integral part of my life. I enjoyed her personality and her company; it was great being around a young lady who genuinely loved God.

Because she was a servant by nature, she often helped me finish papers for school. If I needed her to run an errand, she would do it. She would either bring me food or cook for me if she thought I was hungry, and she would even do my laundry without my asking. Whatever I needed, her main goal became to satisfy and serve me. It was not too difficult to see that I was the primary benefactor in our relationship. For a while, I considered whether she was the one for me, but I couldn't make up my mind. I was undecided and scared and did not want to make a mistake. Quite honestly, our friendship was great and very comfortable just as it was, so I never felt any urgency to make a decision. Deep down, it felt good to be around someone who really cared and had so much affection for me. I also knew that she respected me as a leader in ministry. However, I was too young, too selfish, and too prideful to even consider that her emotional investment in our relationship was far greater than mine.

A year and a half later, after consulting with mentors and spending a lot of time in prayer, I felt the call of God to attend seminary in Texas. A few of my friends, this young lady included, flew with me to Dallas to help me get settled. When they were leaving to head back to California, I pulled her aside and began talking with her. I knew that if I was struggling with the direction of the relationship when we were in the same city, there was no way we would be able to maintain our relationship while we were apart. As a result, I had decided that it would be best for both of us if we just went ahead and ended the relationship.

"I don't think we can have a long-distance relationship," I said.

She responded, "What do you mean? I thought it was just a matter of time before we got married. We've spent so much time together, and we've gotten to know each other so well." I could see the hurt in her eyes and hear it in her voice. But I continued.

"No," I replied. "I think that God is calling me in another direction, so I'm just going to follow Him." I tried my best to be sensitive and even justified my decision with God's leading. Surely she could understand.

After what seemed like an eternity of awkward silence, she spoke. This young lady, whom I had known to be so gentle, tender, and caring, spoke a very bold statement to me. She looked me square in the eyes and said, "God's got great plans for you, but if you don't fix this issue, it's going to derail you." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Instead of being overtaken by emotion, she was calling me out! She was basically saying that the way in which I was choosing to deal with our relationship was a warning sign. If I didn't learn how to relate to women in a healthy way, I was going to run into big problems for the rest of my life. I appreciated her concern, but I didn't think much of it beyond that.

I thought that was the end of it; however, several months after she left Dallas I received a phone call from her.

"Conway," she said. "I care about you too much to leave this problem unchecked." I didn't know where she was going with this, but I wanted to hear her out.

"All right; then let's talk about it," I responded.

"No, I don't think you'll listen to me if we talk one-on-one about this issue." Again, I didn't know where her thinking was, but I could not have imagined what came next.

About a week later I got a call from one of the elders at my former church. He said, "Conway, I can't believe what I'm hearing about you from this young lady, We want to fly you back to San Diego and hear your side of the story." I was absolutely shocked and thought, Has she gotten the elders of my church involved? Was it that serious? I mean, I knew that I could have handled it better, but this seemed a bit extreme. I couldn't believe they were going to fly me from Texas to California just to have a conversation about a relationship.

I decided to consult some counselors from school and at the church I was currently attending. I asked them if they thought I needed to go back to meet with my former elders. Of the ten people I consulted, nine said the San Diego church was no longer my authority. Therefore I was under no obligation to go back. But one person said, "You need to return." The Holy Spirit used that individual to convict me. I was being led to go back even though I was not looking forward to it.

My former elders paid the plane fare and flew me back to San Diego. Seemingly in a matter of seconds, I found myself in a room with ten elders from the church. The worship leader, who had been a spiritual mentor for me, the young lady, and her best friend were also in attendance that day. I still wasn't quite sure about what was to transpire, but it was suddenly clear that my charm and charisma weren't going to help me in this situation. It felt like I was about to be interrogated by a congressional committee.

The elders started by asking the young lady to share her story. Over the next hour and fifteen minutes, she told about everything that had taken place in our relationship. Virtually every interaction, conversation, and act of service she afforded me came to the light. Hearing her perspective was startling. She remembered the events in grave detail. Almost every date and every trip we had taken had all been etched in her memory. Although I had never had sex with this young woman, I had gone as far as I could go. In other words, I pushed the envelope regarding physical intimacy.

As she spoke, she shared her heart and deep hurt. By the end of her story, there was not a dry eye in the room, including mine. I was blown away as I listened to her describe our interactions. She bared her soul and talked about how she had expected and anticipated marriage based on the nature of our relationship and my actions toward her. She told everyone in that room how she had trusted me and looked up to me as a boyfriend and a ministry leader, and then she told us all how I had shattered her heart.

With tissues being passed around the room and everybody drying their tears, I was asked if I had anything to say.

"No. Everything she said was true," I managed to respond.

In a word, it was devastating. I had never before understood that my behavior was so irresponsible, and I definitely didn't anticipate how it could adversely affect a woman's heart. The potential impact of what one man's casual actions can do to a woman's heart is astonishing. I had never realized how different the emotions of women are from those of men or how easily they trust us. The weight of what it meant to be a responsible man who loves God came crashing down on me.

The elders of this church are some of the most godly men I know to this day. One of them said to me, "Conway, here's what we need you to do. We'll pay for Christian counseling for you, but we need you to understand that you are responsible for your actions when you approach one of God's precious jewels. We don't want this to happen to another woman, not by your doing. Here's a calling card. Anytime you need to talk, call us at our expense because we care for you; we want to prepare you for what God has in store for you."

When I left that room, my mind was heavy with questions for which I had no answers. How in the world was I supposed to make this right? I cared about this young lady and had never meant to hurt her-but I did. I had wanted us to be able to enjoy a special friendship without the pressure of commitment-but this wasn't possible.

How does a man who's truly in love with God handle this gift called "woman" in such a way that protects her heart and refrains from hurting her in the dating process? Can a man and woman truly just be friends? What are the positive things that a man can do to encourage a woman's emotions in a healthy way?

This experience was the springboard to an extensive personal journey that God was about to take me on so that I could learn the answers and share them with every unmarried person I know. I couldn't even imagine how many men had no clue how their casual behavior could have such a painful impact on women.

Over the remaining chapters, I will share the principles God brought to light during my journey. He showed me how important it is to know myself', know who I am becoming, and how a godly man should interact with women in a way that brings honor to God.

Chapter Two the man you are becoming

I really enjoy seeing good leadership in action. It was game six of the NBA finals. The Dallas Mavericks won the first two games at home, and everyone thought the series would be a sweep. The Miami Heat, however, rallied to win the next three games in Miami and led the basketball series three games to two, with the last two games to be played in Dallas. Most sportscasters still favored the Mavericks to come back and win the championship, but Pat Riley would have none of it.

Pat Riley, coach of the Miami Heat, told his team that he had packed one suit, one shirt, and one tie. There were two games left, but if Miami won game six, the series would be over and the title would be theirs. Riley saw the victory; he created the vision and the environment so that his team could see it and believe it, as well. He then laid out a strategy to get the team to their destination. Now that's leadership!

Just as Riley led his team with vision, strategy, and a sound model, God is asking Christian men to have a vision for our lives and our relationships. God desires men to develop a strategy that will lead us to our destination-with a willingness to model Christ along the way.

For Pat Riley, that was a one-time event, but God is calling you and me to consistently lead with vision throughout life-with all of its ups and downs.

So what does it take to lead in a godly manner? What does it mean to be a godly man? Since the essence of manhood is to initiate and to lead, you must ask yourself if you are on the way to becoming a leader and a godly man. These are the questions I had to ask myself after what happened in San Diego. Since I wanted to be sure that I would never make that mistake again, I needed some answers.

In the biblical hierarchy of authority, 1 Corinthians 11:3 informs us that God ordained man to be the authority in the relationship between a man and a woman: "But I want you to know that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ." God created man with an innate sense to operate in that role and to make the first move, to start, and to lead, which implies that a man must be headed in some particular direction. It is therefore inherent in his established role of authority to be a leader.

Just as Christ made the first move and initiated, or led, a relationship with mankind, so it is that man must take the initiative and lead. I know that the verb "lead" can be thought of negatively, especially for contemporary woman. Women today are more in control of their education, careers, and well-being than ever before; consequently, the whole idea of being "led" makes them a little skeptical. This skepticism is supported when, after a cursory glance, they realize some men don't even know why they exist or what journey they are on-let alone how to take someone with them. But, men, if we will step up and really seek to find out who God has called us to be, we can begin to rewrite the many sad stories of failed dating relationships and broken marriages that currently prevail.

In Ephesians 5:25, the Word of God commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Christ loved relentlessly. Moreover, Romans 5:8 reveals that He initiated His love in the midst of rejection. As a single man, how are you preparing yourself to love like this? How will you learn to initiate and lead regardless of potential rejection? What's the first step in taking this kind of serious action?

The first thing we must do to redefine ourselves is to become R.E.A.L. men. Do you want to know what makes a R.E.A.L. man? Here's my take on the idea of being a R.E.A.L. man.

Reject Passivity

First of all, a R.E.A.L. man has vision. If you're a R.E.A.L man, then you know where you are going. In order for a man to know where he's going and move toward that vision, a real man must reject passivity. In Genesis 2:15 we read, "The Lord God took the man and placed him in the orchard in Eden to care for and to maintain it." Passivity, or laziness, is not implied anywhere in this passage because God expects men to be active, dynamic, and energetic reflections of Himself. Just as a farmer has to know what vegetable or fruit he wants to grow, then sows the necessary seeds and tends the crop to produce those fruits or vegetables, so a man should know where God wants him to go in life and take the necessary steps to get there. That includes sowing good habits by cultivating and tending the possessions that God gives him; for example, a job, home, physical body, and other resources.

To be successful, every man needs a valid model of what a healthy, godly man looks like. One of the most devastating realities in our culture today is that, for a variety of reasons, many men do not have a viable picture of genuine manhood to use as a frame of reference. In other words, they don't know who they are trying to become. Notice I said who they are trying to become, not what. Wanting to become a great businessman, an athlete, or a husband still doesn't say who you want to be. It simply defines what you want to do in life. Having a knowledge of who you are as a person should take precedence over whatever it is that you do as an occupation.

Becoming a healthy and vital man requires you to have a vision for your life, and it means you must be actively pursuing the call of God in your heart. Men, rejecting passivity means we don't just wait for life to happen; we make life happen! We can't allow ourselves to just blend into the scenery. God did not create man to simply exist; we were made to contribute! How will your life make a difference?

Keep Eternity in Mind

Second, a R.E.A.L. man lives for the world that is to come, not for this world. In other words, a R.E.A.L. man lives his life with a view toward eternity. Ecclesiastes 3:10-11 (NRSV) states, "I have seen the business that God has given to everyone to be busy with. He has made everything suitable for its time; moreover he has put a sense of past and future into their minds, yet they cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."

All of humanity will forever be restless. The question one must ask is, Why? It is because a man can never be content with simple existence; he must always look deeper for purpose and meaning. According to verse 11, the wisdom of God has "put a sense of the past and future into their minds." This simply means that no experience in this life on earth-no matter how varied, stimulating, or memorable-can provide true contentment because God has placed a restless longing for something eternal in the minds of men.


Excerpted from When Loves in View by Conway Edwards Jada Edwards Copyright © 2008 by Dr. Conway and Jada Edwards. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Preface: Take the Lead

1. The Journey Begins

2. The Man Your Are Becoming
One Man's Experience

3. The Woman You are Becoming
One Woman's Experience

4. Who's Your Comforter?

5. Experiencing Healthy Relationships
One Couple's Experience

6. Got F.A.I.T.H.?

7. Our Story: He Said, She Said

8. Frequently Asked Questions

About the Authors
Discussion Guide
Suggested Reading List

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

As a family man it hurts to see the increasing divorce rate among our people. This book was designed to teach single people how to begin the dating process in a healthy and wise way. If you want to get the girl and keep the girl without compromising your values, then you need to go “cop” this book. 
–Kirk Franklin, Gospel Recording Artist

Sticky. Hurtful. Draining. Words like these should never describe a relationship. But the 21st-century’s definition of dating has made it so. Thankfully God has sent us Conway and Jada, lifelong friends of mine whose integrity causes the message of this book to speak loud and clear. Prepare to be challenged, convicted, and most importantly compelled to be different as you prepare to embrace the relationships in a way that brings God glory.
-Priscilla Shirer, Bible Teacher and Author

Sincere Christian singles are looking for a refreshing, practical, and godly perspective on relationships. It’s time for Christians to establish a healthier norm for relationships to ensure a future with more Christ-centered families. This book is a priceless and proven path to that end. I have found great inspiration and encouragement through the wisdom Conway and Jada offer and it is a wonderful tool for discipling Christian singles.
-Lekesha R. Barnett, Assistant Pastor, New Faith Church, Houston, TX

Finally, my friend has put to paper a manual for dating and courting. In 2003, the words in this book were only thoughts that were passionately communicated around a lunch table. If you’re single, read it, if you’re a married, read it. Men, he calls us to lead and lead we must! Buy this book and read it, repeatedly!
–Pastor Rick Cooper, Associate Pastor of Married Couples & Single Adults, North Dallas Community Bible Fellowship, Richardson, TX

When Love’s in View is truly a thought-provoking and soul-stirring book. This book discusses relationships in a way that is often felt by most people but never, in truth, verbalized by anyone. It is remarkably informative, yet astonishingly realistic; it gives real-life solutions to real-life struggles. Not only should every single person, both male and female, take the time to read this book, but every pastor or counselor-of-singles should read it. After reading the book, you will be equipped with the “antidote” on how to see a clearer picture of Christian “dating” and the roles that God destined for the man and woman.
-Eric L. Alexander, Senior Pastor, St. Luke Baptist Church, North Little Rock, AR

Every now and then, God gives you a friend that you instantly connect with at a deep level. Conway is one of those friends for me. His vulnerability opens the door for honest spiritual exploration, and his insight turns on the light of wisdom so that I can see my heart more clearly. More than anything, though, he helps me see Jesus’ heart for me in the midst of my soul-searching. I have no doubt that as you read; he will do the same for you.
-Jeff Lawrence, Equipping Pastor, Northwest Bible Church, Dallas, TX

Guarding the heart is an ancient principle with modern applications. Conway and Jada take this principle and apply it to the fastest-growing population in America. Every unattached person would do well to ponder these principles and potentially save him or herself a great deal of pain. You should seriously engage the principles of this book before you allow anyone else to engage your heart.
–James R. Womack, Senior Pastor, Destiny Church, Fort Worth, TX

Helen Keller was asked, “Do you know of anything that’s worse than being blind?” She thought for a moment and then said, “Yes, there is one thing worse than being blind—having sight with no vision.” Unfortunately my wife and I were once visionless college singles pursuing dating relationships by sight alone. Lacking a vision for singleness proved detrimental in much of our relational decision making as collegians. We needed a guide! It is with great delight that I endorse Dr. Conway and Jada Edwards, When Love’s in View: Finding Focus in Dating and Relationships, as a progressive blueprint for guiding singles with real issues to the destination of healthy relationships.
-Rev. & Mrs. Curtis Woods, Kentucky State University, Campus Ministers

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