Why Girls Are Weird: A Novel

Why Girls Are Weird: A Novel

by Pamela Ribon

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Overview

She was just writing a story.
When Anna Koval decides to creatively kill time at her library job in Austin by teaching herself HTML and posting partially fabricated stories about her life on the Internet, she hardly imagines anyone besides her friend Dale is going to read them. He's been bugging her to start writing again since her breakup with Ian over a year ago. And so what if the "Anna K" persona in Anna's online journal has a fabulous boyfriend named Ian? It's not like the real Ian will ever find out about it.

The story started writing itself.
Almost instantly Anna K starts getting e-mail from adoring fans that read her daily postings religiously. One devotee, Tess, seems intent on becoming Anna K's real-life best friend and another, a male admirer who goes by the name of "Ldobler," sounds like he'd want to date Anna K if she didn't already have a boyfriend. Meanwhile, the real Anna can't help but wonder if her newfound fans like her or the alter ego she's created. It's only a matter of time before fact and fiction collide and force Anna to decide not only who she wants to be with, but who she wants to be.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780743486408
Publisher: Pocket Books
Publication date: 07/01/2003
Sold by: SIMON & SCHUSTER
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 320
File size: 428 KB

About the Author

Pamela Ribon is a bestselling author, television writer and performer.  A pioneer in the blogging world, her first novel, Why Girls Are Weird, was loosely based on her extremely successful website pamie.com.  The site has been nominated for a Bloggie in Lifetime Achievement, which makes her feel old. Ribon created the cult sensation and tabloid tidbit Call Us Crazy:  The Anne Heche Monologues, a satire of fame, fandom and Fresno.  Her two-woman show, Letters Never Sent (created with four-time Emmy winner and Jay Leno Show favorite Liz Feldman) was showcased at the 2005 HBO US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen.  She has been writing in television for the past seven years, in both cable and network, including on the Emmy-award winning Samantha Who? starring Christina Applegate.  Using her loyal Internet fan base, Ribon sponsors book drives for libraries in need.  Over the years, pamie.com has sent thousands of books and materials to Oakland and San Diego, sponsored a Tsunami-ravaged village of schoolchildren, and helped restock the shelves of a post-Katrina Harrison County, Mississippi.  Ribon’s book drive can now be found at DeweyDonationSystem.org, which has sponsored libraries from the Negril School in Jamaica to the Children’s Institute in Los Angeles. 

Read an Excerpt


Chapter 000001.

The House of Smut Revealed

24 June

It's been a long time since I've played with dolls. I've never really thought back on my time with plastic humans before, but today, as I was watching a group of giggly young girls browsing Barbies in the Wal-Mart, I remembered that feeling -- that strange sexual energy and giddy shame of playing Barbies in my bedroom. It was a spinning, dizzy sensation. My friends and I spoke in hushed tones as we held these dolls in various stages of dress. If our parents had ever found out what we were doing, those dolls certainly would have been taken away from us. It wasn't our fault Barbie and her pals released our initial sexuality. We were young and full of questions and those dolls are shaped like handheld sexpots.

Barbie has big, incredible breasts with this soft spot between them that your thumb fits into just perfectly. She's not wearing anything underneath her clothing. You can put her in panties and a bra for a quick jog or you can have her make eggs in the Barbie Dream Kitchen wearing only a pair of spiked heels. You can pull her hair up or have it going down all the way to her high and tight ass.

Ken is big and bold and square. He's got a strong chin and jaw. His hair is blond, and sort of wavy. You can run your fingernail along the hard ridges on his head. Or can you? I can't remember if Ken had real hair. I think some of my Kens did. He is very muscular, and the bulge under his pants is impressive enough that you wonder if all boys polish their bulge as often as you'd polish Ken's with Windex. Ken has a nice, defined butt that looks good in a pair of swim trunks.

Barbie and Ken were very different from Donny and Marie. Yes, Donny and Marie Osmond. The fact that I loved Donny and Marie at three or four or however old I was might clue you in on the kind of childhood I had. I spent too much time in front of the television and I loved variety shows. What four-year-old loves variety shows? And were there so many four-year-olds in love with Donny and Marie that they had to make dolls of them? And why did I still have these dolls once I turned ten? Why didn't I get new dolls? I can't really start thinking too much about the hows or whys because it's all so fucked up that I end up wanting to go back in time to scoop up tiny little me and hold her and tell her about the Partridge Family. Anyway, I had these Mormon musical star dolls, but I had no idea what a Mormon was, so they ended up being gigantic sinners in my house.

Marie had short brown hair that was like Sally Field's helmet in Steel Magnolias. She was completely flat-chested. As bad as Skipper, if I remember correctly. Clothes just sat on her, and there was never a need for a belt. Her hand had a hole in it. You could stick her microphone there, but I knew just enough about Mormons to fit a diamond ring in the spot. I had Donny and Marie married, because I was young and thought anyone could get married as long as they loved each other.

Donny was wearing plastic tighty-whiteys. Seriously. There was an extra ridge of plastic that went around Donny's waist and legs. There was no bulge. His hair was dark and slicked down. A plastic shield -- there was no fucking around with Donny Osmond's hair. His smile was so bright and big. I think they painted stars in his eyes. He also had a hole in his hand, but if you did it just right, you could stick one of Barbie's spiked heels in the hole and have him sniff Barbie's shoe. Donny and Marie didn't have enough money for rent, so they lived off their love in a Buster Brown shoebox. Only a ten-year-old can create an incestuous Mormon celebrity relationship and have it be romantic.

Barbie's legs were very difficult to open. You had to jam Ken between them. Donny's arms were already bent at just enough of an angle that you could prop Barbie's legs on each one and they were good to go. Marie's head could turn all the way around. The hole in her hand could also hold a small martini glass. Most of my dolls had marks on their backs from being bound, gagged, and jammed into the bed of my Tonka 4x4.

The Barbie without a left pinkie was the fetishist and she'd often blindfold Strawberry Shortcake and sniff her all over. Custard wore a spiked collar made of toothpicks.

One day the Barbie without a head convinced Donny and Marie to put pink and blue Life pegs through the holes in their hands. The Barbies pretended the pegs were hits of acid and got the Osmonds to think they could fly.

The Barbie Town House had a pulley system for the house elevator. Ken and Skipper enjoyed a quick romp on top of the elevator while it was going up, jumping off on the third floor just before they'd be crushed to death.

I had to give some of my dolls distinguishing marks so I could keep track of all of their fetishes. I didn't want the nudist Barbies to end up bathing with the dolls that liked to sleep with Weebles. Barbie GreenHair liked to take baths in cotton balls. She also enjoyed wrapping herself from head to toe in toilet paper. Skipper MarkerFace enjoyed cutting the hair off other Barbie dolls and taping it to her back. One doll had hair that would grow if you pushed a button on her back or shorten if you twisted her arm. The other Barbies would torture her by pulling on her hair while twisting her arm at the same time. Then they'd eat her hair. Barbie BackwardsLegs enjoyed riding cats. She'd strap herself on and hang on for dear life while they'd buck and toss and eventually eat her head. She was a wild one, Barbie BackwardsLegs. I miss the hell out of her.

Boys loved girls, girls loved girls, boys loved boys, and boys loved girls that loved girls. Anything went in the Barbie Town House.

And, oh, man, they still talk about the day Jem and the Holograms showed up with six bottles of tequila and a roll of paper towels.

Love until later,

Anna K

Copyright © 2003 by Pamela Ribbon

Chapter 000002.

So that's how all of this mess got started. I wrote a story about sex kitten Barbies, put it online, and my life changed forever. From the best I can tell, this entry got passed around from co-worker to co-worker, friend to friend. Those strangers and friends of strangers kept coming back to see what I'd write next. What I thought would be a tiny little webpage that just a few people knew about turned into one that thousands of people read every day. I thought the web was supposed to be dead. Wasn't that what everyone had been saying? "The death of the Internet!" That was why I couldn't get a better job than my library admin thing. It was why I was so bored and started all of this. I was trying to find a time killer at work and decided to teach myself a little HTML. I soon realized that the more I was typing, the more it looked like I was working. Anyone passing by my workstation would think I was hard at work improving myself, but in reality I was writing story after story, creating an entire life on the Internet. Slutty Barbies (and the fact that e-mail will never be dead) took me from Anna Koval, a nothing-special-twenty-something, to Anna K: web celebrity.

I don't know what I thought would happen. In hindsight, I don't know how I thought nothing would come of it.

But I'm ending the story of Anna K -- right here, right now. I'm closing down this website. I want to explain everything before I take it all away. Some people have been with me from the beginning, and I'd feel bad leaving after a year without so much as a good-bye.

It's been a year of strange choices and often embarrassing decisions on my part. I've made new relationships and lost others. Some people involved with all of this were more innocent than others. Those who weren't know who they are. There are others that will be shocked by what I have to say here. There are some who probably knew what I was doing all along. My only defense is that I never meant to hurt anybody. Looking back now, I know I was searching for something. I exposed myself until there was almost nothing left of me to hide. And now I'm removing the final bits of fabric, standing in front of you completely naked. It'll be our last time together like this, and I don't want to keep anything from you anymore.

It all started the night I watched my best friend, Dale, bathing. He had hurt his hand moving his new couch into his apartment and for the first time in a while he was asking me for help.

"You're very cute," I said as I stood over his bathtub.

He lowered himself and floated a washcloth over his crotch: "Just hurry up and then get the hell out of here." He tried to hide his rubber duck behind him, but I had already seen it.

Dale and I met at our first crappy jobs here in Austin right out of college. We waited tables at this restaurant over a Whole Foods store. Three good things about that job: an in-house masseuse, drinking smoothies between rushes, and meeting each other. Every other facet of that place sucked ass.

Dale's my friend who knows the joke I'm about to say because he was about to say it at that exact moment. Like this one time we were both in my car stopped at a red light and a girl wearing a miniskirt and enormous shoes ate shit right in front of us. We both busted up at the sight of those white platforms smacking up and hitting her in the ass as she made this face like she was on The Benny Hill Show. She fell to the ground and flipped back upright in almost one swift motion, her hands pulling the bottom of her skirt down as her purse knocked at her knees. But it was the moment when she walked back to stare down the crack in the street that caused her fall -- when she had to go back just to show all of us that it was the pavement's fault and not those gigantic shoes -- that we completely lost it. It's that laugh that's deep in your stomach where you're sure you'll never breathe again, and nobody else in the entire world but the two of you know why what just happened is the funniest thing that will ever happen in the history of funny moments ever. That's Dale and me.

"I still don't know why Jason can't do this for you." I wet my hands in the water, careful not to brush against his skin. "This is why we have boyfriends to begin with, Dale."

"He can't come over until at least tomorrow and I'm tired of feeling so dirty. I can't clean my hair with just one hand and I hate feeling like I'm wearing a wig."

I grabbed the shampoo bottle and squeezed the liquid into my palm. "A wig?"

"I have very thick hair. Now close your eyes and wash."

"You're not the boss of me," I mumbled. I didn't close my eyes. I watched Dale lean his head back into my hands. As I lathered up his head, I couldn't stop staring at his body in the water. It wasn't sexual. In fact, I was fascinated by how nonsexual it was.

"And why am I the one that gets to come over here and bathe you?" I asked.

Dale opened his eyes and moved his head from my hands. A stream of lather ran down his forehead, threatening to run into his left eye. "You aren't bathing me. You're just washing my hair. And you're the only one Jason trusts not to try anything funny." He ran his hand over his forehead and leaned back again, waiting.

I wiped my chin, tasting shampoo on my lower lip. I sat back to dry my mouth. "'Try anything funny?' When did you join the cartoon mafia? What if I pounced on you right now? I could do that."

"You wouldn't," Dale said, inching back toward my hands as I leaned over the tub again. "We both know it'd be gross, and even Jason knows you haven't touched a man since Ian moved out."

There wasn't much left to say after that. I knew Dale regretted the words. I could feel him trying to think of a way to lighten the air between us and get us joking again. When something that honest is said it usually needs a few minutes of silence to dissipate.

I was rinsing his hair when he finally whispered, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Dale. I know."

Ian and I had broken up six months ago. I tried to act like it wasn't a sore subject with me, but all of my friends knew that it was.

Dale changed the subject by talking about his screenplay. He'd been working on a film based on his ninth-grade science project. To this day he felt the contest was rigged and he should have taken first place. His movie will expose the inadequacies of state science fair judges and finally vindicate his second-place ribbon. It's going to be brilliant.

Dale was washing his underarms as he explained the love story between the girl who did her project on earthworm regeneration and the boy who determined the best metal for conducting sound.

"She's going to cheat on her project and he won't know if he can still love her."

Watching Dale in the water, I saw just how much a bathtub could emasculate a man. His body looked smaller than usual, even though it filled the tub. The water made everything look suspended. The washcloth had floated to the foot of the tub, bunched and soggy like a discarded bandage. Dale's body seemed younger and weak. I saw how his dick seemed completely powerless. It bobbed inside the water quietly. Wet like that, it didn't look like a "dick." It was a "penis" in that safe, Health class way. It was almost feminine in there, in the shadows of the bathtub. The water lapped around Dale's shoulders as he soaked, now silent in his thoughts of the lunchroom battle particulars, his wet head making him appear even more innocuous. He was a wet child in a basin. It was hard to see someone I thought of as a "capital M" Man reduced to a bobbing waterbaby. I was just about to look away when Dale popped his eyes open.

"All right, Pervy. I need some 'me' time, okay?"

I went to the living room and watched a rerun of Friends.

Except for the bath, this was the usual Thursday night at Dale's: "Must See" TV followed by beers on his balcony. But that week the shows were reruns and his hand was hurting, so we decided it'd be bathing and beers. I watched him enter the room still in his bathrobe. He brought out a bowl of popcorn and almost stepped on his cat. Almost, as he and his cat have an elaborate song and dance. Dale and Trevor move completely in step, and although it looked like one of them should trip over the other, they never did. They danced perfect figure eights around the living room, both of them talking but never to each other. I hate that Dale named his cat after a member of O-Town. Dale hates that I won't bleach my hair again.

"You know if you tell anyone about this bath, I'll kill you." His hair was almost completely dry already. It was so much shorter than he kept it when we first met two years ago. Now he hated it when it grew past his eyebrows. When it was longer, I loved how it would flop in his face when he laughed because he'd look just like Paul McCartney. It only happened when he laughed and it only happened when he had his brown hair in that bowl cut, but it was one of my favorite things in the world.

"Hey, for my birthday will you write me a story?" he asked.

I threw myself down on the couch, a cloud of new-couch smell greeting my face. The fabric felt stiff under my arms, and the cushions weren't welcoming yet. "I'm too depressed to write," I said. This was the elaborate song and dance that Dale and I do. I pout while Dale primps me.

"Where is this big book about falling in love with India?" he asked.

"You never listen when I speak. It's about an Indian woman falling in love with a newscaster."

"It sounds wonderfully retarded."

"That's why I'm naming it after you."

"I like it when we're seven," Dale beamed.

"Me too. Being a grown-up is way dull."

"It's dorky."

"Crappy."

Dale hid his face in his hands and whispered, "Shitty!"

"I'm so telling!"

Dale giggled and then pretended to be quite serious. "Write me a story," he demanded with a stamp of his foot. "And I need some body gel. And an R.E.M. CD. Wait. Let me get some paper. I'll make you a list."

I went home and wrote the Barbie entry.

Copyright © 2003 by Pamela Ribbon

Customer Reviews

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Why Girls Are Weird 4.2 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 35 reviews.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book started out hilarious with the chpater about Barbies. It really caught my attention. And then it got even better. I really felt connected to the characters. I liked the way emails were incorporated into the book. I read it in less than 24 hours!
Guest More than 1 year ago
I stayed up until 2:30 reading Why Girls Are Weird in one sitting, alternately giggling wildly and seething with jealousy at Pamie for putting so many thoughts and funny situations so darn well. She gets it right. The heady addiction of internet romance (which has revived the love letter in modern society). The quarter-life crisis, where you can be bright, funny, well-educated, and talented, from a loving family, surrounded by friends, and have no clue what you want to do with your life. The solitary joy of writing turned into a social activity, as instant gratification from readers pours in over the 'net. So yes, she gets it all right in this fun, sexy, often sad read that never insults the intelligence of her readers. Well done.
miyurose on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
This book was great. It grabbed me right from the beginning with a not quite PG-rated missive about Barbie dolls. The characters were believable and easy to relate to. The situations were 100% realistic (which I find rather rare in books that talk about the Internet). And if you've ever been 25 and lost and lonely, something in this book will speak to you.
tronella on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
A reread: found this while I was unpacking. So this woman starts writing a blog, but claims to still be dating her ex-boyfriend. And she meets some of her blog-readers, and everything is awkward and weird. It's pretty amusing, but I'm kind of over the "omg, New Yorkers are all so quirky!" thing.
lyssrose on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Highly recommended for anyone whose ever written (or read) a blog, been dumped and just couldn't move on, or met someone through the internet.
cms519 on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
I enjoyed the author's writing on Television Without Pity. While I found parts of this book very funny (likely the parts that were right from the original journal) I was a bit disappointed.
spongeforknowledge on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
I found this book while meandering through the aisles of Barnes and Noble. The color and the title grabbed me (who says you can't judge a book by its cover?). I started reading the Barbie entry at the beginning and it grabbed me from the start and made me buy it, but I still have to say that the How to Fake a Football Orgasm, and the I Give You a Rack for the Day are my favorite of her entries. Sometimes I pull the book out just to reread those just for kicks. I've also lent it to each of my friends, and they all enjoyed it the same.
safetygirl on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
i felt like this character could be one of my friends. it's definitely a book that sums up my experience of my late 20s. i really identified with so much in this book.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Girls are very weird. But this isnt even a manual about how to tell why they are or how to avoid an attack. Girls are just plain weird.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
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sillyramone More than 1 year ago
I started reading Why Girls Are Weird yesterday and I could not go to sleep until I finished the book! It was so addictive, I couldn't put it down and stayed up till 1:30am, enjoying every minute of it. The story is written so well, and the characters and situations are so real and accessible. I found myself truly captivated. I flew through this book so fast! I couldn't wait to find out what would happen next, at the same time not wanting the story to end. Why Girls Are Weird is a modern coming-of-age story of a young woman that is truly hilarious, heartfelt, witty, sexy and intelligent. A must-read for any young woman. This is a quick, light read but the story and characters will stick with you for a long time.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
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Peachball More than 1 year ago
This book was hysterical. The voice of the main character was like a friend. I laughed so much and quickly ordered the sequel. I am dying for a new Pamela Ribon book.
SONYAREELUCAS More than 1 year ago
I enjoyed this book very much and how the characters grow. It had me laughing with it's candid humor and crying with the character's losses. It is a quick read because the writing flows well.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guest More than 1 year ago
Anna Koval is living a pretty average life. She has good Friends that adore her, an ex-boyfriend that she hasn't stopped trying to figure out, a job in a library that she could do in her sleep. Anna has dreams of acting, her friend Dale loves the stories she used to write before she and Ian broke up. At this point in her life, Anna Koval is bored. In an attempt to be proactive in her life Anna decides to teach herself HTML, a skill she thinks could help her in her career. By starting an online journal she can put HTML to use, Make Dale happy by writing again and perhaps express herself along the way. With that, her alter ego Anna K is born. Anna K is creative and has an opinion about everything. It was really only a small stretch to give Anna K a devoted boyfriend named Ian. It couldn't really matter it wasn't like it was real anyway. Anna is surprised to be inundated with e-mail from fans that read her blog everyday. There is Tess that wants to know everything about her and seems to have a few secrets of her own. LDobler is a male admirer that switches between sounding like the perfect man and a creepy stalker. Fact and fiction entwine until Anna herself has a hard time telling them apart and is forced to decide what it means to live a truly authentic life. Why girls are weird reads like the diary we have all tried to keep at one point, funny, insightful and intelligent. Anna Koval rings true to me in a way most characters don't. She is flawed, thoughtful, loyal, confused and unhappy with her waistline,. Anna will steal your heart on her journey and make you laugh along the way.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Definitely a must-read! This book had me laughing out loud and made me never want to put it down.. or for the book to end. Definitely recommended to everyone. Especially, of course, girls!
Guest More than 1 year ago
This is one of my favorite books, and probably the best one I've read in a long time. I was laughing on Page 1 and stayed up until 5:30am finishing it (not kidding!). This book is *great*!!!
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book had me laughing out loud from Page 1. It's not only hilarious but also very heartfelt and extremely easy for anyone to relate to. I would HIGHLY reccommend it.
Guest More than 1 year ago
The novel i'am reading is called 'WHY GIRLS ARE WERID' By Pamela Ribon.I decided to read this novel for a lot of different reasons. One of those reasons is because the cover of this book grab my attention. I wanted to know the story behind the lady with the brown paper bag over her head. Was this a statement she was trying to get across to her readers or was this a cry for help and us the readers figure it out by reading this book.The second reason was something else caught my attention and that was the title. Do people really think girls are werid? What would make someone name a book this?I really like this book because she does something kind of normal and doesn't think shes going to get feed back.But she does and it changes everything. Now it's only one thing to do about it and that is to just go with it and thats what she does. If i had to recommend this book to someone it would be to those readers who dont believe in there self.Or to those readers who sometimes see life a little different then others sometimes. I think they would really enjoy this book like i have because it breaks all the rules when it comes to letting your mind go where ever it wants to go but in the end coming back to earth.Sometimes everyone wants to let lose for a while and get a little crazy. With this book you can do just that.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Made me Laugh out loud,& at some parts cry. Finished this book in 1 day. The writer is very talented, i hope she continues writing more books!
Guest More than 1 year ago
Most people would be like 'you're not old enough to read this book', but forget them! i am so glad that i bought this book, it was the best book that i have ever read. everything is very understandable and you won't go 5 seconds withour laughing. i definitly recommend this book to everyone that wants to laugh at some of the things that we will do for love.