Read an Excerpt
widows 101
How Not to Eat Moldy Bread
By Susan Barber
iUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2011 Susan Barber
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4620-3519-9
Chapter One
Identity who am i?
define widow. To me, it is half of a spider's name, or the small part of Gone with the Wind when Scarlett drank laudanum alone and was forced to wear black.
A widow lives in every neighborhood. She is small and very old but has no name or personality. She is someone to take cookies to at Christmas, but not someone to spend much time or effort on. As a widow, like it or not, you are now a project for someone. You are now a member of an elite group of women who are involuntarily in a difficult position. Just eat the cookies and smile.
Sometimes, people will want to give advice. But, oddly enough, they are the ones who are not widows. They will say, "You ought to ..." or the lame "If you need anything ..." The rule here is not to yell at that well-meaning person. Don't shout that if they want to stop your pain, they should bring your loved one back. Because then they would sigh, smile sickly, and tell everyone you have had the breakdown they always knew was coming.
When you are married, your identity is assured, even if you have personally accomplished nothing. You will be known as either Mrs. So-and-so or So-and-so's wife. When you got married, you switched from "Lucy's baby" or "Donald's daughter" (or, heaven forbid, "the spinster") to "Mrs. So-and-so." You perhaps were president of the Rotary or the assistant to the president of something. But when you become a widow, who are you?
The name game is totally unbalanced. You begin your life as, for instance, little Lucy McKell. Then, when you get married, you give up the use of your last name and substitute his last name. So then you are known as Lucy Baker. You know the McKell is still part of your name, but it is stuffed inside your other names, so you don't use it. Then, when your husband dies, you become "the widow Baker."
What? What happened to Lucy McKell? Now your whole name is changed. That is totally unfair! Let's imagine how it could work: Little Jimmy Baker gets married. Let's change his name to Jimmy McKell. Then, if you die first, he could become "the widower McKell." What happened to little Jimmy Baker? Do you ever see that happening? That scenario sounds way too far-fetched. How is that fair?
Besides the fact that, as a widow, you are now the female in the backseat. There isn't a real word for that seating-chart title. Do you remember how your schoolteacher would make a seating chart at the beginning of the school year? Sometimes it was done alphabetically at the beginning of the year. Then, later in the year, the teacher would revise it. Little did you know back then that she then organized the seating in the room by title. She would put Chatty Girl right next to Quiet Boy and Team Leader in the middle, so he or she could inspire and wake up everyone. There was probably Troublesome Kid up close to the teacher's desk, so she could watch him!
Well, life is like that, too. Parents have a seating chart in the car. The seating is usually arranged by age. It includes the older sister in the front seat, so that Mom has someone to talk with. The older brother usually sits in the backseat, so he can stare silently out the window. Youngsters are positioned in car seats or boosters throughout the car, but ... the widow is in the back or the very back.
Have you noticed that when a young couple starts to date, they sit at opposite sides of the car? Then they move closer and closer, until it's almost not safe. Then they get married, and the girl moves back over onto her side. She stays there, even when the married couple goes out with other married couples—until, for some unknown reason on no particular date, someone decides that the guys should sit in the front, and the girls sit in the back, so they can visit. It would look silly for the girl to drive and the guys to sit in the back, now wouldn't it? However, when the widow goes in the car with a married couple, she is—you guessed it—in the backseat. Who makes these rules?
It is now up to you to remake yourself. Maybe you still hold the same position at work, or you still have the notoriety you once had. Good for you! Think for a minute. When you make a telephone call, how do you identify yourself? "Hi! I'm Doug Barber's wife" or "This is Mrs. Doug Barber"!
For a while, it might be difficult. But eventually, you will learn to like yourself just as yourself! Then you will begin the call with, "Hi! This is me!" I don't mean to be trite, but you are special. You aren't unique, because many women are living a life unattached to anyone. It can be done. Some women are quite comfortable.
Redefining What You Want
The best way to lessen the struggle with this change of identity is to go slowly. Spend some time thinking about your life up to this point. What were the most pleasant times? You could make a list, if it helps. Put things in order, ranking the things about your life that you liked the most. Such a list might look like this:
• I loved the house on the first day of school, when it was all quiet, with no peanut butter or punch on the floor.
• I loved Christmas Eve, when the children were all snuggled in their beds, having been dosed with mild sleeping syrup.
• I loved vacations in fun new places. I really liked places with room service!
• I loved the smell of fresh bacon in the morning.
• I liked being busy with civic committees.
(Note: Don't leave the lists out for anyone to see. You don't want them to find themselves listed in importance after the bowling team or the parakeet.)
When I review this list, it looks to me as if I don't mind being alone. I like to have a good breakfast, I like to travel to nice places, and I want to stay busy with my civic work. These are the activities I focus on now that I am a widow.
Another list you could make is a list of the things in your life that weren't quite perfect, to put it gently. These would be things you might want to do differently as you define your new normal.
For example,
• You may never have woken up at your preferred time in the morning.
• You may not have spent much time enjoying your favorite TV or radio channel.
• You may not have slept on your preferred side of the bed (this is a whole different subject).
• You may find that you like to eat ice cream late at night right out of the carton.
• Maybe you don't care if the dog sleeps on the bed or the bills aren't paid until the seventh day of the month.
So, you try some of these changes, and the strange thing is, you might change right back to the old way. It may seem the right thing to do. But whatever life routine emerges will then be your idea and your plan. Don't allow anyone to tell you the way to do things. This is a time in your life when you have the power to decide for yourself.
Please don't decide to be content to sit in the chair alone and feel sorry for yourself. Your friends and family will feel sorry for you for a time. Then they will figure out that this is the decision you have reached for yourself, and they will move on without you. It is your decision.
No one knows how long you will be alone. How you spend this part of your life is entirely up to you now. You will now define a new normal for yourself. One Friday night, I stood in the hallway of my house and said to myself, "This is how my Friday nights are going to be from now on." My husband and I had almost always planned something for Friday night. Sometimes we went out with friends; sometimes we invited friends in. But we loved to be able to look forward to that time. Now, this was my new normal: I would have to plan to stay home and do something.
Your life as a widow doesn't have to be terrible. It's just going to be different. Whether it's good or bad is up to you.
Your Appearance
How you look is also part of your new identity. There used to be a rule that said widows wore black. This used to be the conventional attire for widows for twelve months. What a great rule! Most people look great in black; it is very slimming. Except, as with most rules, when it is a rule, it takes all the fun out of the style. Instead of planning to wear that great-looking black sweater that sets off your creamy skin tone, you have to wear that black sweater, and now you think it makes your skin look gray ... just like your mood.
This might be a good time to experiment with your look. I hate to think that I did this, but many women dress for their husbands. There is nothing wrong with trying to please your partner. But now you have the freedom to do some experimentation. Try a new haircut or color. If you don't like it, it's no big deal. Hair grows back, and hair color can be changed. Perhaps you might like to try a different dressing style. You could go from the "professional" look to the "trailer-park queen." Just kidding. You could try for a more athletic look or even become more refined. Just try it. Leave the sweatpants in the drawer for a week or two.
If you like lists, you could make one that will help you discover what you want your purpose to be in life from this point. Perhaps you want to be the neighborhood grouch, or the nicest mitten maker. Whatever. When you die, do you hope to hear your friends exchange funny memories or heave a sigh of relief? (See, I personally want to be able to hear stuff after I am gone.) Do you want people to notice your absence? Identifying the types of things you might like to try will help you grow and discover yourself in this new phase of life.
One personal observation: my dad was a great communicator and an honest businessman. My mother lived in the fifties. That should tell you a lot. She stopped what she was doing each day at four thirty, changed into a dress, and made sure dinner was on the table when my dad came home. Dinner was complete with pickles in little dishes and an ironed tablecloth with matching napkins. That was her reality. Every conversation in our home centered on my dad and was led by my dad. I don't remember my mother expressing a strong opinion about anything in his presence.
However, after he died, she became a new person! She joined the Kiwanis Club, which should have been a male-only club, according to my dad. She became very active in civic events, both in the city and in the state. She could actually carry on a complete conversation without any coaching! To me, it was like seeing a new person. As I finally got to know my mother, I realized she was a very interesting person. Now, I know times have changed ... we only use matching napkins on holidays now. Just kidding.
The process of redefining our identities includes many aspects, from what we do in our daily routines to how we look. As women today, we can choose from many avenues. We could choose to enter (or re-enter) the professional world. The choice itself doesn't matter; the important thing here is to make choices that appeal to you. Keep revising your list. Write down what makes you happy and where or who you want to be in five years. When you see or hear of a person doing something great, you can think, I could do that!
Chapter Two
good grief!
grief is as simple and as individualized as a smile. No two are alike. Some people are taught how to smile. Some are even paid! But there is no such thing as grieving correctly. Certainly, no one pays us. As there are different types of people, there are different types of grievers. No pattern fits all. In my opinion, the several different types of grievers include the following:
• One type is the organizational griever. This type likes to be in control of the details. To her, it is important that the obituary is the correct length and contains the pertinent details (but not too many). The music, flowers, pictures, callers, pallbearers, and so on must be perfect, according to her. This is much more important to her than anyone else, so just let it go.
• Another type is the agnostic griever. She believes (senselessly, I know) that if there is no funeral, then there was no death. So, she just goes through the motions of the funeral, emotionally detached. Please just give her time and space. This might not be the clinically condoned opinion. However, such things can't be forced. Then again, if she remains on the couch for ninety days, someone will have to take her by the hand and lead her through this.
• Another type of griever is the agreeable griever. Be very careful with this one. She will agree with any and all suggestions. She could end up with a funeral on the beach in December while everyone is dressed in kilts. Then she would move into a commune and give all her belongings to the cat. This girl needs gentle guidance—I emphasize gentle. Get the picture? There is no perfect way to handle this. A good friend or gentle relative should be consulted.
Grief can sometimes feel so overwhelming for everyone. In this day and age, we are so lucky to have many avenues for grief resolution:
• Grief support-group attendance is included with some health plans. Perhaps you might contact the human-resources person at your work.
• The Internet offers sites for counseling and information.
• You might want to turn to your church for help.
• Many books cover this topic.
• It may help to talk to your family and friends and have a session together.
Grief groups are real people talking about their grief. That might be enlightening.
One warning: I heard about a girl who married someone from her grief group. It didn't work out. We've all been warned to make life-changing decisions very carefully for a while.
Some funeral plans offer grief counseling. Try it; you might like it. I personally didn't like it. The young girl was very nice. She validated everything I said and let me talk, for the most part. I wanted her to give me hints to help me get through the Christmas holidays. Her main advice was that I should let people hug me. I don't like to be hugged. It is a personal thing; I don't do it. My husband didn't do it. She practically scolded me because I didn't like it! So I quit going. Hershey's make a great treat called Hugs. They are chocolate candy drops with white chocolate swirled around them. You can hand them out and say, "There's a hug for you." I bought a package of Hershey Hugs and would toss one to someone if they looked as if they were heading toward me to give me a hug.
I looked into some grief sites on the Internet. Online, you don't have to hug anyone, but you are still able to communicate with people who have some idea of what you are going through. One such site is called griefnet.org. You can remain as anonymous as you want. People talk about what they are experiencing and how they feel about it and ask for advice. They communicate with each other. For instance, one person was just having her first birthday without her husband. People on the Internet wished her a happy birthday and offered her advice for the day.
If you type "grief counseling" into an Internet search engine, you will find a list of directions you could take. For instance,
• Lifehealinggroup.com
• Grievingasoulmate.com
• Counselingforless.com
• Thegriefblog.com (this is a blog, a place to read and write your feelings)
Many books offer assistance with the grieving process. One book I highly recommend is Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen. It's written like a children's storybook—it even has pictures! But the message is wonderful and very helpful for all ages.
Loss Extends to Others, Too
In most cases, you aren't the only one who has experienced a loss. Think about your family members, siblings, extended family, or best friends. Their loss is of the same person, but for a different reason. Thus, their grieving will not be the same as yours, but it might be just as intense. You might be angry because they just don't get it. They don't know how you feel. But you probably don't know how they feel, either. Perhaps this might be the time to have a serious grief session together.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from widows 101 by Susan Barber Copyright © 2011 by Susan Barber. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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