Emotions can kill your ability to accomplish your plans, fulfill your dreams, and attain the life you so dearly desire.
Think of Your Killer Emotions as your emotion-mastery kit, to be used in consistently making positive life choices; it will enable you to beneficially channel the supremely potent energy charges triggered by your potentially sabotaging emotions, impulses, and urges, thereby turning them into your allies.
Ken Lindner, “The Life-Choice Coach,” has counseled thousands of individuals over the past thirty years to make great, life-enhancing decisions. In Your Killer Emotions, he will show you how to identify your Personal Emotional Triggers (PETS), and empower you to nullify the energy charges from potentially sabotaging emotions. You will be able to think and reason clearly—destructive-emotion-free—so that you make life choices that reflect your most highly-valued life goals.
Your Killer Emotions will change the way you make your life choices—and your life —in the most positive ways!
|Publisher:||Greenleaf Book Group Press|
|Product dimensions:||5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.90(d)|
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YOUR KILLER EMOTIONSThe 7 Steps to Mastering the Toxic Emotions, Urges, and Impulses That Sabotage You
By KEN LINDNER
Greenleaf Book Group PressCopyright © 2013 Ken Lindner
All right reserved.
Chapter OneEnergy Charges
Generally, we tend to view emotions from an intellectual standpoint. Your Killer Emotions, however, is based upon the physiology of emotions, in that it focuses on the often highly potent energy charges triggered by them. For example, whereas we often think of the emotion of "love" in an intellectual sense, we rarely think of it as a catalyzing physiological force, and we almost never knowingly and strategically use or channel the exceedingly strong energy charges generated by this emotion to our advantage.
To illustrate what I mean by the physiology of emotions, think about the huge adrenaline rush that you feel when something or someone triggers your anger or rage; how sky-high you feel and how supremely motivated you are when you're in love; or how incredibly excited you feel when you secure or attain something you've been dreaming of. You're charged-up! For our purposes, what you feel in these instances are the energy charges generated by your exceedingly strong emotions.
With the information and Steps provided in Your Killer Emotions, you can learn how to identify, tap into, harness, and channel the awesome energy charges from your emotions, urges, and impulses, and strategically use them as your allies; as a result, when you are faced with intense, competing energy charges from your potentially toxic emotions, urges, and impulses, you can think clearly and choose to act in a manner that is consistent with the goals that you value the most. Instead of letting your emotion-triggered energies control you, you can control them—to your tremendous benefit! You will be able and, in every sense of the word, empowered, to attain what you deeply desire, to truly live the life you dream about, and to become the person you ideally want to be.
Mastering potentially sabotaging emotions and their energy charges is your Emotional Imperative.
1. The Steps, processes, and other information found in this book are based upon the physiology of emotions and, therefore, the energy charges triggered by them.
2. You can identify, tap into, harness, and channel the awesome energy charges from your emotions and use them as your allies, enabling and empowering you to think clearly and consistently with your best judgment when you make your life choices.
Chapter TwoThe Cognitive Versus the Emotional Components of Making Life Choices
Years ago, I gave a speech about the "Components of Constructive Decision-Making." I discussed the concept of Framing™, which we will focus on in great detail later. Framing is the formula that I developed in order to enable individuals to control, overpower, and ultimately nullify potentially self-defeating emotions when trying to make their very wisest decisions. At the end of my presentation, one of Oprah's producers approached me and basically said, "All of the decision-making theories that I've heard in the past focus on the intellectual component of decision-making. But you deal with the emotions. And, while most of us intellectually know what we should do in a given situation, when strong emotions come into play, we often make terrible decisions. If you can show people how to separate their emotions from their decision-making [processes], you will be able to help a great many people and [thus] make a real contribution!"
Besides offering much-appreciated encouragement, this magnanimous program executive also highlighted two distinctly different influences that can play major roles when you make your life choices:
1. your intellect or what you know or think; and
2. your emotions, urges, and impulses and/or what you feel.
As we shall discuss throughout Your Killer Emotions, these two influences can be at absolute odds when you make your life choices. However, as you will see, your intellect and emotions can work in concert, enabling you to attain your most dearly held goals, to live the life that you dream about, and to enjoy the tremendously empowering and energizing feelings of mastering your emotions. This harmonious collaboration is your goal. The key to accomplishing this goal is to diligently practice and effectively perform the skill sets that are presented herein.
There are two integral components of making life choices: the intellectual and the emotional.
Chapter ThreeYour Emotional Imperative and a Brief Discussion of Behaviorism
Let's hearken back to the classic stimulus-response experiment conducted by I. P. Pavlov. As you may remember, Pavlov would introduce a piece of meat to a dog, and the dog would react by salivating. At some point, along with the introduction of the meat, the dog would hear the ringing of a bell. With repetition, the dog began to associate the sound of the bell with the luscious meat. This led to the dog salivating on cue, even when there was no meat in the vicinity. Therefore, Pavlov, through the effective use of positive reinforcement, was able to "condition" a predictable response from the dog. This was very important early work in the field of behaviorism, and we will come back to it later in order to discuss its relevance in connection with mastering your emotions.
Thereafter, B. F. Skinner advanced the field of behaviorism by developing behavioral-conditioning theories for human beings that identify our ability to elicit, to teach, and to learn certain desired human behaviors through the use of positive and negative reinforcement.
Dr. M. Scott Peck enlightened us a good deal further in his brilliant work, A Road Less Traveled. Therein, Dr. Peck essentially discussed and celebrated the all-important difference between the automatic reaction elicited from the dog in Pavlov's stimulus-response experiment and a human's ability to not simply react but, instead, to consciously and knowingly act when a stimulus is introduced.
Peck discussed the concept of "bracketing," which means that when we are exposed to a stimulus, instead of automatically reacting as Pavlov's pooch did, we as human beings have the ability to take a step back, think, and decide on an appropriate response. According to Dr. Peck and to Dr. Stephen Covey in his landmark book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective Individuals, it is our gift and ability to think and choose—instead of simply automatically reacting in or to a given situation— that makes us human.
I wholeheartedly agree with both Drs. Peck and Covey regarding this point. However, it becomes quite obvious that thinking, alone, is just not enough when we want to make our most beneficial life choices, as we are often exposed to certain potentially poison-provoking people, events, thoughts, or situations. In these instances we are often helplessly "all too human," as we let our toxic emotions and urges flood and overtake our intellect, and we wind up making self-sabotaging choices and acting in an ill-considered, damaging way. Therefore, it is not enough to just (attempt to) think in these emotion-filled situations when our mental processes are severely weakened or totally dismantled. In these instances, it is essential for you to control and master your emotions and to make them work for you so that you can think and evaluate clearly.
So, while Your Killer Emotions embraces Dr. Peck's and Dr. Covey's optimistic perspectives regarding our gifts/abilities to think and objectively evaluate people, things, and conditions when we make our choices, as you will glean, Your Killer Emotions advances our evolution. It not only acknowledges the cognitive component of Your emotional imperative and a Brief disCussion of Behaviorism 11 making life choices, but it provides you with the essential addition of a set of tried-and-true Steps, so that you can make highly beneficial use of your most potent emotion-generated energy charges. As a result, your wisest and best judgment will prevail when you make your all-important life choices.
In many instances when you are called upon to make a life choice, you will be flooded with intense, battling, conflicting emotions. Therefore, when making positive choices, you must not only know what you want to secure or accomplish with your choices, but you must also be in control of your emotions if you want to make choices that reflect and are consistent with your most highly valued goals.
Chapter FourHow You View Your Emotions, Feelings, Urges, Impulses, and Compulsions
Emotions aren't necessarily good or bad per se; they are beneficial if they and their energy charges catalyze and compel you to make a positive and beneficial life choice. Conversely, emotions, impulses, and urges are poisonous and sabotaging if they and their energy charges lead you to make a self-defeating or self-destructive life choice.
As you know, in many instances, the emotion of anger can trigger self-sabotaging behavior from the person who feels angry. For example, there was a very talented individual, "Bill," whom I have counseled; he had tremendous potential in his chosen field. However, he also had persistent anger-management issues and suffered related setbacks. And, for as many good things as Bill had accomplished at his job, ultimately, way too often, when his emotional buttons were pushed, he would "lose his head" and viciously blow up at others. Here's Bill's story:
Bill's employer appreciated his considerable talents and often protected him by downplaying Bill's well-documented work-related blow-ups. But one day, when Bill yet again lost his temper in an exceedingly ugly, vitriolic, and rage-filled manner with a highly regarded employee who threatened to quit if Bill wasn't immediately let go, the employer—in light of the prior, valid complaints of other employees against Bill—had no choice but to terminate Bill's employment. In this instance, in spite of the fact that Bill had exceptional talent and loved his chosen field, it was clear that he couldn't control his temper when certain individuals or situations pushed his emotional buttons. Sadly, within a year, Bill lost another, lesser position with another firm for exactly the same reason: his anger-filled outbursts.
Bill then spent nearly two years applying for less prominent positions, at less desirable firms, with no success. Thereafter, with tremendous bitterness and regret, Bill continued to struggle, as he has had to accept far less rewarding and lucrative positions outside of the field that he loved and was, in many ways, perfectly suited for.
Obviously, this is a clear case in which rage flooded and overpowered someone beyond all reason, thereby obliterating good judgment. At Bill's original firm, he was reprimanded numerous times for his ugly emotional outbursts. Each time, during discussions with the firm's human-resources department, Bill claimed that he "clearly understood" that he couldn't vent his anger against his fellow employees; he knew that his outbursts were initially promotion-threatening, and that over time, they had become job-threatening. In one of his final meetings with human resources, Bill had calmly and with great contrition said to the head of that department, as well as to the company's president, that he had thought things through (after his series how You view Your emotions, feelings, urges, impulses, and Compulsions 15 of anger-related transgressions) and would be "smarter" the next time something or someone upset him. He had then convincingly argued that he truly valued being at such a well-respected firm and was pursuing his dream career there. Over and over again, Bill had said that he knew what he needed to do, which was to never again lose his temper or be demeaning or retaliatory toward others.
Because Bill had said all the right things and seemed to really grasp both what he'd done wrong in the past and what he needed to do right in the future, the firm gave him "one last chance" to shape up—an opportunity that he blew just weeks later with his vitriolic blowup with the well-respected staff employee.
The fact that Bill knew what his mistakes were and knew how he needed to comport himself in the future made absolutely no difference when the high-voltage energy charges generated by his deep-seated anger triggered his unacceptable and self-sabotaging behavioral pattern. In this case, the emotion of anger and the incredibly powerful charges of energy generated therefrom were indeed poisonous, because they derailed Bill's good intentions and best judgment, and fueled his self-destructive behavior.
On the other hand, years ago, when I was a member of the Eastern Junior Davis Cup tennis team, a teammate of mine, "Chris," was in the midst of losing a crucial match in a totally lackluster manner:
To our team's great dismay, he just didn't seem to care. But then, the most interesting thing happened. His opponent, "Tim," called a couple of Chris's shots out, although they were clearly in. To make matters worse, Tim apparently called the set score incorrectly, giving himself an extra game and taking one away from Chris. So, instead of the score being 4 to 2 in favor of Tim, he called the score as 5 to 1. By this time, Chris and everyone on our team thought that Tim was cheating.
You know the saying, "Let sleeping dogs lie"? Well, Chris became so angry with Tim that it woke Chris up from his apparent malaise and complacency. Chris's anger energized him enough to win the match, 3–6, 6–2, 6–1.
So in Chris's case, anger turned out to be a beneficial and constructive emotion. The tremendously potent energy charges generated by Chris's anger literally motivated, catalyzed, and fueled him to focus on the match, play his very best tennis, and ultimately defeat someone who triggered his ire.
The lesson here: In these two cases, the potent energy charges generated by the same emotion—anger—triggered two very different forms of expression. In Bill's case, it catalyzed and caused him to totally disregard what he knew to be the right choice and behavior for him. Conversely, the anger that Chris felt energized and caused him to act in a totally constructive manner.
So, the insight here is that it's not the emotion in and of itself that is positive or poisonous—it's rather the act that a particular emotion and its energy charges triggers that can be beneficial or self-defeating and self-sabotaging. Therefore, it's all in how you are able to use the very potent energy charges generated by and from your emotions that will dictate whether you will make a positive life choice or a poisonous one!
Let's now focus on the feeling of love. In many instances, love can inspire and motivate individuals to strive to do wonderfully constructive things, such as being thoughtful of and compassionate toward others, doing charitable work, and being an overall better person—all beautiful expressions of the energy charges generated by this emotion. However, there are also instances when the expression of the emotion of love can be self-sabotaging and self-defeating.
For example, I know a wonderful, kind girl, "Beth," who is blessed to have a tremendous amount of love in her heart and is very open about expressing it. The problem is that on occasion, because Beth is so very in touch with her feelings and so prone to sharing them, she can express her love at inappropriate times. An illustration of this occurred when she met "Kent" on a blind date, which was set up by their mutual friend, "Kiera":
This date was one of Kent's first since emerging from a long-term relationship with someone whom he loved very much. Before the first date, Beth was told very explicitly by Kiera that what Kent wanted and needed was to have a light and breezy dating life until he healed from his fiancée's breaking up with him (because of a lack of physical chemistry.)
The problem here, according to Beth, is that it had been years since she'd found someone like Kent with whom she connected so quickly and deeply. As a result, after her third date with the handsome, funny, and evolved Kent, Beth not only felt incredible love in her heart, but with great ardor, she also expressed it to him. At this point in Kent's life, this was the last thing he wanted to hear and experience. What Kent dearly wanted was air and space; nevertheless, with the best of intentions, what Beth gave him was love-filled smothering. And the more Kent retreated, the more Beth tried to become an integral part of his life—until he felt that it became necessary to have "the talk" with Beth and tell her that he really needed to cool it with her, as he wasn't at all ready for anything serious or structured so soon after his breakup.
I know Kent well, and a year or so later, he confided to me that had he met a "warm, sweet, pretty girl like Beth years earlier," he would have been much more ready to consider being in a serious and committed relationship. He then added, "The timing [of meeting Beth] so soon [after my engagement ended] was terrible!"
Excerpted from YOUR KILLER EMOTIONS by KEN LINDNER Copyright © 2013 by Ken Lindner. Excerpted by permission of Greenleaf Book Group Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Part 1 Your POWER BASE: Some Essential Core Concepts of Emotion Mastery 1
Chapter 1 Energy Charges 5
Chapter 2 The Cognitive Versus the Emotional Components of Making Life Choices 7
Chapter 3 Your Emotional Imperative and a Brief Discussion of Behaviorism 9
Chapter 4 How You View Your Emotions, Feelings, Urges, Impulses, and Compulsions 13
Chapter 5 How You Treat Emotions, Feelings, Urges, Impulses, Compulsions, and Addictions 23
Chapter 6 Your Killer Emotions Timeline 27
Chapter 7 The Importance of Being Ready to Grow 29
Part 2 The 7 Steps of Emotion Mastery 31
Your 4 Prevent Offense Steps: The Steps That Prepare You to Mai Future Golden and Truthful Life Choices 35
The Prevent Offense 37
Step 1 Identify Your Most Potent Personal Emotional Triggers™ (Your PETS™) 39
Your Gold and Your Truth: Their Extraordinary Energy-Charge Potency 41
Your PETS (Your Personal Emotional Triggers) 43
Know Your Truth and Gold- Stone Cold! 50
PET Identification 59
The Importance of Being Consequence Cognizant- Identifying Some of Your Most Potent Gold 65
Step 2 Be Anticipatory: Effectively Anticipate That You Will Have to Make Certain Future, Conscious Life Choices 69
The Conscious Life Choice 71
Come Up BIGI-When It Counts the Most 74
The Art of Being Anticipatory 75
Event Visualization 85
Step 3 Construct Your Future Frisuals™ 91
Pushing Your Own Personal Emotional Triggers (Your PETS) 93
The Frisual™ 99
Some In-Depth Study of the Frisual 108
Step 4 Adjust the Voltage of the Energy Charges That You Will Channel into Your Frisual(s) 117
Step 4A Amp Up the Energy Charges That Will Lead You to Make a Golden and Truthful Choice at Crunch Time! 119
Step 4B Dissipate the Potency of the Energy Charges That Can/Will Lead You to Make Self-Destructive and/or Self-Sabotaging Choices at Crunch Time! 125
The Complementary Process of Your Proactively Instilling Positive Feelings into Your Heart-of-Hearts When You Utilize Toxic-Energy-Charge Dissipaters 144
Destructive, Generational, Emotion-Triggered Scripting 146
Toxic-Energy-Charge Dissipation™/Destructive, Emotion-Triggered Scripting Negation 148
Your 2 Crunch Time! Steps 171
Step 5 When Possible, Review Your Crunch Time! Reminder List 73
Step 6 Make a Golden/Truthful Life Choice 199
Your Post-Church Time! Step 211
Step 7 Review Your Life-Choice Process 213
The Stumble 217
Correction Day 219
Part 3 The Finishing Touches 221
Chapter 1 "PET Care"-The Importance of Continually Checking Your PET Potency 223
Chapter 2 Pitfalls to Avoid at Crunch Time! 229
Pitfall #1 Do Not Opt for an Inappropriate Quick Fix: Failure to Use Appropriate Discipline and Delayed Gratification When They Are Called for 229
Pitfall #2 Do Not Make Important Life Choices When You're Tired: The Importance of Adequate Rest and Being Free from Intellect-Dulling Influences 231
Pitfall #3 Do Not Put Yourself in a Position to Fail 233
Chapter 3 Develop Your Quick Frames™ and Quick Pics 237
Chapter 4 A Final Thought and Wish 245
Chapter 5 Some Suggestions for Your Therapist or Counselor Regarding Extra-Strength, Toxic-Energy-Charge Dissipation™ and Destructive, Generational, Emotion-Generated Scripting 247
Chapter 6 Your Killer Emotions Glossary 249
Chapter 7 Continue Your Emotion-Mastery Education at yourkilleremotions.com and lifechoicepsychology.com 253
About the Author 259
Los Angeles, CA