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I Do ... Every Day

Words of Wisdom for Newlyweds and Not So Newlyweds

Abingdon Press

Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married. —J. Barry/E. Greenwich/Phil Spector

When we get married, we'll have a big celebration

Scripture: John 2:1-11

Cynthia

I knew Bret was an extraordinary guy when he came purposely to walk Nikki to her car that Thursday it rained. She had just gotten her hair done, and they were giggling under his umbrella, with him mostly getting wet. Two months later we celebrated their marriage and watched them kiss every time guests rang the miniature bells at their reception. Their happiness, mutual admiration, care, and respect were contagious as they began their journey together.

Their beautiful wedding reminded me of Roger's and my lawn ceremony that was supposed to be flawless but ended up anything but. First, it got started an hour and a half late because much of the wedding party got lost. (This was way before cell phones and GPS.) Of course, by the time they arrived I was a barefooted basket case because I had long since kicked off my cute, painful bridal shoes. Our reception, which would have been fine had we started on time, took place in the dark. When it was time to leave for our honeymoon, the lights on our "new" car wouldn't work, and we had to be dropped off and picked up from one of the seediest hotels in town since all the nice rooms in town that we hadn't reserved were sold out. Whew! In spite of the wedding day from hell, I am happy to report that we not only survived but also flourished!

Several years ago, a friend and I were at a women's conference, and we decided to attend the "keeping your marriage hot and steamy" session to get some updates and pointers. The couple who led the session asked, "How many hours this week did you work on your job?" The audience threw out numbers from twenty-five to sixty but didn't see what that had to do with the topic until the couple asked, "How many hours this week did you work on your marriage?" I sat there speechless because while I considered myself a pretty good wife, I had never thought about "working" on my marriage. The couple reminded us that you have to give your best efforts to your marriage, just as you do to your job. They reminded us that weddings last a matter of minutes, but marriage is fulltime. That session was an eye-opener, and one I immediately took to heart.

I'm sure Nikki and Bret would agree.

Here's What We've Learned

• Being married takes constant attention, long past the wedding day.

• Marriage takes everything described in 1 Corinthians 13 because love really is patient, kind, and not rude, does not have to have its own way, always trusts, protects, perseveres, hopes, and a million other things, such as allowing space and opportunity to grow without being smothered or thwarted.

• Liking is as important as loving each other—if you can do both, praise God! Love is the foundation; if you combine it with respect and admiration and a strategically placed umbrella on a rainy day, you'll get happily-ever-after every time!

Honey Do List

• Write down five things you love about your spouse, and leave the note in a prominent place tonight.

• Describe a fantasy rendezvous you're planning the next time you call your spouse's personal cell phone and get voicemail.

• Count how many hours you worked on your marriage last week.

Lord, let me show your love in all my actions and deeds. Amen.

Any kindness that I can show, let me do it now ... for I shall not pass this way again. —Henry Drummond

Guess who's coming to dinner

Scripture: Hebrews 13:1-6; Luke 10:25-37

Roger

I am introverted. Cynthia, on the other hand, is not; as long as she can have ample private time to recharge, she thrives on being around people and seems to gain more energy as the day goes on. Most days I really, really like people but don't care much for mobs. Huge conventions, workshops, and seminars drain me.

So we are radically different personality types, but we have one thing in common when it comes to building relationships—we both love having friends over. We enjoy entertaining, and plastic plates and cups are forbidden at our house. We set the table every day and use our best silverware and china for company, not to impress our guests (since they rarely seem to notice), but as a way of saying to each other and to them, "You are special, and we're glad to be with you on this journey called life."

When I was growing up, my parents and grandparents taught me the meaning of hospitality. My grandfather would say that when enemies sit and break bread at your table, they deserve the same hospitality shown to those we love. In Cynthia's family, her dad would often invite extra people home for dinner, usually unannounced. Her mother would shake her head, smile, perform the fish-and-loaves Bible story, and multiply what she had until everyone was too stuffed to move. Both of us were nurtured in an environment of generosity and lavish hospitality. We honor our ancestors and pay tribute to them for the values they instilled in us. I admit my children often tease Cynthia about her corny behavior. Sometimes they imagine that she sits around thinking up reasons to celebrate!

When our daughter, Angela, had her sixteenth birthday, Cynthia turned our dining room into a quaint little café and made a special luncheon for Angela and her girlfriends. Sixteen years later, Angela's friends still talk about how special it made them feel. When relatives or friends spend the night, Cynthia welcomes them with a gift bag, complete with her signature Barnum's Animal Crackers in the box with the pictures and string. When the party is over or the friends go home, we realize that our home has been blessed by good people and our lives are richer.

Here's What We've Learned

• Hospitality, graciously given, is received in the same spirit.

• If you don't like to entertain, don't. Do hospitality in a way you enjoy—call the caterer, make reservations, go to a restaurant or hotel, and get over it.

• If you don't get along with your in-laws, see entry #17 in this book.

You are not obligated to have people in your home who disrespect or dislike you.

• Only do what you can afford. Don't let misunderstandings about who's paying for what cause a rift.

• When friends come to visit for longer periods of time, agree on the exit strategy before they arrive, so overstaying the welcome won't be part of the equation.

• Remember that your home is just that—yours. It's up to you to dictate the rules no matter how old-fashioned, whether they include no smoking, no playing loud music, or no sleeping together unless you're married.

Honey Do List

• Try being a guest in your own home so you can see how things work—shower, lamps, bed, alarm clock. If you can't figure it out, how can they?

Lord, let us show radical hospitality to all who enter our home, and let us treat them as you would. Amen.

You got a smile so bright, you know you coulda been a candle. I'm holding you so tight, you know you coulda been a handle. —Robinson/Rogers

You don't sweat much

Scripture: Proverbs 25:11; Song of Solomon 1

Cynthia

The joke goes this way: a mother is helping her son find the right words to say to a beautiful girl he fancies. He says the girl is prettier than a set of new snow tires. His mother tells him that the tire analogy may not work. He thinks some more and finally blurts, "You don't sweat much."

Here's a fella who needs a course in the fine art of dropping compliments if I've ever met one! But he's not the only one who could use help saying the right things. From poems, plays, and songs about beautiful eyes, silky tresses, and Ivy League clothes, sweet words make the world go round. They help us know that we've still got it and that our special someone has noticed. People who are good at giving compliments are about as common as piano-playing bobcats, and those who accept the compliments with grace are nearly as rare. (How about a simple "Thank you for noticing"?)

So what's a body to do? Work at it!

Here's What We've Learned

• Genuine compliments from spouses raise our self-esteem. Certainly it matters what others think, but we really want to impress that special person.

• There is a big difference between compliments and back-handed remarks: "Woman, if you wear that dress tonight, we may not get to the dance on time if at all," is better than, "You'd look good in that dress, but your butt's too big."

• Try random acts of kindness (giving foot massages or shoulder rubs, or doing leftover chores) in addition to compliments, but if you want the honeymoon to last, make sure you do something every week. Show and tell—that's the name of the game.

• Look for things to compliment. If the meal is lousy, offer appreciation for the fellowship.

• Brag on your spouse; it builds confidence. We work to live into our spouse's expectations and never want to disappoint.

• Try singing! When Roger sings to me "You Are My Sunshine," I hear his most genuine self. He reminds me that I'm the only woman who never laughed at his singing! No, he's not Barry White, but when he sings to me, nothing else matters—he's my first, my last, my everything.

Honey Do List

• Practice your wolf whistle. (On me, not her!)

• Practice saying "Thank you for noticing" in response to a compliment. Use it next time one comes.

• Try at least one random act of kindness this week.

Lord, help us offer kind words, encouragement, and praise as testament to you and this awesome person you created.

You put me on a natural high, and I can fly. I can fly. —Merle Haggard

I believe in you; you believe in me too

Scripture: 1 Thessalonians 5:9-12, 15-18

Roger

Soon after we were married, I developed a serious addiction to yard sales. Every Saturday morning, armed with a stainless steel flashlight and Energizer batteries, I would jump into my car before the sun came up, hoping to grab the find of the century. One morning I approached a house that had a yard full of people looking up into a beautiful old oak tree with a small unidentified object wedged into it. A little girl was screaming at the top of her lungs as she tried to explain that the "object" was Arnold, her favorite doll, which had fallen victim to her mischievous little brother's antics. She kept asking, "Is Arnold still alive? Is he breathing?"

After another few frantic minutes, a yard-sale patron climbed the tree and rescued Arnold. She laid him on the ground and immediately began to gently blow into Arnold's mouth. When asked what she was doing, she said, "I'm giving him mouth-to-mouth rededication!"

I've learned that marriage partners sometimes have to give each other mouth-to-mouth rededication because the world can literally suck the life out of you and your marriage. There are far too many schemers and wolves in sheep's clothing, and too often we find ourselves as bloodstained steps leading to someone else's glory. We can find ourselves tainted by envy, jealousy, and greed because we have lingered too long in the wrong places. We may have had pure intentions but have gone along to get along and have lost our way.

In the movie The Way We Were, Robert Redford says to Barbra Streisand, "You expect too much from me." She shocks him when she says, "Oh, but look what I've got!" She reminds him that she knows who he is and what he is capable of. Cynthia came home in tears one difficult day during her doctoral studies and sobbed, "They're taking the heart out of my work." I held her until she was quiet and gently reminded her that "they" (the doctoral committee) couldn't take her "heart" unless she gave it to them. "They don't know who you are or that you come from a long line of warrior women. You are standing on the shoulders of giants, and I believe in you," I whispered.

At the points in my journey when I didn't know who was on my side, Cynthia has been there—encouraging, supporting, pushing, believing, helping me find a new stride. It's what we do. Oh, and I went ahead and ordered my new graduation suit!

Here's What We've Learned

• There's always a conehead somewhere to put up roadblocks—keep stepping.

• Be your spouse's biggest cheerleader, and she will soar!

• Believe in God, yourself, and others. The rest is easy.

Honey Do List

• Dream big dreams for your future, and set goals this weekend to make them happen.

Lord, with you we know that anything and all things are possible. We claim and believe that you have plans for us—plans to nurture us and give us a future. Direct our paths to the right people, places, and things to help make our dreams come true. Help us be patient, prepared, and purposeful. Amen.

Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus. —Marijohn Willkin

Whose bed have your boots been under?

Scripture: Psalms 51:7-17; 103:1-12

Cynthia

"I haven't been good, and I'm not that good right now."

That's how the song begins, and it goes on to talk about Jesus, who is good all the time. I don't know that I'd have put the first part quite that boldly, but most of us have skeletons in our past that are just waiting around to rattle. Maybe your past is pure and uneventful, or it may be a little more colorful than you would care to discuss with your mother, but the wonderful thing about the past is just that—it is in the past. There's nothing you can change about it, and while I try not to live with regret, certainly there are times I'd like to erase the board and begin again.

Over the years, I have realized that if Roger discovers anything more about me, I'll have to banish him to a remote place with no cell phone or GPS. I didn't start out telling him my whole history; it simply unfolded over time. For instance, at a class reunion I had to introduce my high school sweetheart, David, after somebody else pointed him out. Another time, when Roger was about to be appointed to a new church, I had to explain why, of all the places on the earth we might go, that was my least favorite. And so on and so on. The next thing I knew, all my business had been shared and synthesized.

And you know what I discovered? I was none the worse for wear.

Here's What We've Learned

• With anything you're disclosing from your past, please include context and explanation so that ten years down the road, some misspoken word doesn't send your marriage into a tailspin.

• There are some things that you and Jesus should keep to yourselves. Seek discernment.

• Although your spouse won't want to make comparisons, it may be impossible not to.

• Your past is just that—yours—and you don't have to make apologies, excuses, or explanations unless and until you want to.

• Childhood scars are real, and if there's something or someone there that you need to face, do it today so you can live triumphantly. Forgive and seek professional help to work past the demons. Molestation, abuse, brushes with the law—if there's a public record, share it with your spouse. Don't let it be learned from the Internet that you were a spy in your other life or that you're wanted for murder under an assumed name in Arizona. Pretend you're running for public office and come clean about the cookies in first grade and the Popsicle scam you and your cousin Lillie ran in fourth grade.

Honey Do List

• Understand, celebrate, and appreciate all you have overcome and become.

• Plan your funeral. Write your obituary so you can include all the things you're proudest of. No, nobody's getting up a load to Gloryland in the morning, but preparation for this triumphant event should not be left to those who will be stressed, grief-stricken, and swamped.

Lord, create in us a clean heart and a right spirit. Forgive us for our transgressions, and let us move forward with hope and gratitude. Amen.

We may not have a cent to pay the rent, but we're gonna make it! —Steve Davis

Honey, I bought us a boat!

And a new truck!

Scripture: Habakkuk 3:17-19; Proverbs 23:4, 24:3-4; Matthew 6:1921, 25-33

Roger

When I was growing up and did something crazy or spontaneous that ended disastrously, my grandfather would say, "I don't believe you're in your right mind." Over the years I would like to say that my craziness has lessened and I'm usually in my right mind, but I do remember early in our marriage when I temporarily lost my "right mind" at a fishing and boating show. Fishing was my passion, and going to a boating show was like getting a preview of heaven!

I found myself in a room with the most beautiful bass boat I had ever seen. She was so seductive, I almost needed a chaperone! I was jolted out of my love affair by the salesman's voice saying, "May I help you?" He looked like an American version of Elton John, was slicker than a marble floor, and could have sold batteries to a firefly! After fifteen minutes of iron-willed bargaining, he finally threw in a life preserver. I left the boat show with plans to buy a beauty that cost more than my home. Now it was time to go home, put my foot down, and say in my manliest voice, "Woman, I have bought us a boat!" By the time I got home, my voice was down to a pitiful whisper as I tried to explain my plans to Cynthia.

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Excerpted from I Do ... Every Day by Cynthia Bond Hopson, Roger A. Hopson. Copyright © 2011 Abingdon Press. Excerpted by permission of Abingdon Press.
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