10 Sneaky Ways to GET YOUR BOOK BACK From a Friend

Dear Literary Lady,
My friend borrowed one of my favorite books eons ago and has yet to return it. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get it back, but still nothing. Please help. Any ideas?
—A.C., Burlington, VT. 
Dear A.C.,
Oh dear. I’ve lost many a good book that way. I’m glad you reached out because, when you’ve tried everything to get your beloved book back from a friend, it’s time to take some drastic measures.
I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to protest, “But, Literary Lady, they’re still my friend.”
Don’t worry, these are nonconfrontational drastic measures, because, ostensibly, you still want to be friends with them. You just want your book back, and you’re never, ever, ever, lending them another. So here, to help you rescue your purloined literary property, are my suggestions for the best passive-aggressive ways to get a borrowed book back:
1. Create “Missing” posters for your book. Describe the book and when it went missing. Place posters everywhere. Include strips of paper with your phone number for added dramatic effect.
2. Invite your friend to a night of karaoke. Sing songs dedicated to your book and how much you miss it. Sing a duet with your friend, maybe the ’90s R&B classic, “The Book is Mine,” by Brandy and Monica.
3. Send your friend monthly letters notifying her of library fines. Step it up to weekly letters if your friend shows no sign of contrition.
4. Text your friend every night at 10 p.m. saying, “It’s 10 o’clock. Do you know where my book is?”
5. Take a photo of the empty spot on your bookshelf where your book used to be. Send it to your friend everyday. If that doesn’t work, post it publicly everyday.
6. Call your friend whenever you’re bored. When they ask why you’re calling say, “I’m bored. I have nothing to read…ahem.”
7. Leave a Yelp review of their apartment. “1 star. Would not try again. A place where books go to die.”
8. Host a game night. Play Pictionary, Charades, or Scrabble. Find opportunities to draw, act out, or spell “Where’s my book?” When guessing, always guess “The Book Thief!”
9. In fact, take a photo of The Book Thief and tag them in it.
10. Whenever you go out to eat with them, always place your order with the waiter like so, “I’d like to have my favorite book back, please? Oh, you don’t have it? Ok, then just the salmon.”
Try a few of these suggested shenanigans, and your friend will return your book to you the next time they see you. Be warned: they may throw it at you in exasperation. Because nothing says, “I love you but I want something from you” like an onslaught of passive-aggressive pranks!
Love and paperbacks,
Literary Lady