The 10 Worst Places To Be Stuck Without a Book

If you are a reader (and if you’re here, that’s a safe assumption to make), there aren’t many places to which you travel without a book in hand, or at least in your bag or man-purse. Sure, the odds of having a chance to read in the grocery store are slim to none, but as a reader you want to be ready should the opportunity to get a page or 7 in present itself in between ordering deli meats and cheeses. That said, there are some places where it’s worse to be without reading materials than others. An escalator? You probably won’t need your book, you devil-may-care thrill-seeker, you. But that long line to buy Phish tickets (…for a friend…) would be moving a whole lot faster if you had your book with you. Here are 10 places where you absolutely don’t want to be stuck without a book:

1. Outer space

Oh sure, the stars are awesome and there’s that whole “lack of gravity” thing to contend with, but I’m sure even orbiting the earth, boredom strikes. After all, there are only so many times you can record videos of yourself covering “Space Oddity” a la David Bowie. ( I lied—there aren’t enough remotely enough times you can do that.)

2. The bathroom

There is not one thing more boring than going to the bathroom. If I stopped and tried to figure out how much time the average person spends in the bathroom it would break my heart. UNLESS that time was put to good use. Stock your bathroom with giant novels (War and Peace, The Golden Bowl, etc.), and though it may take thousands of visits, you will eventually be the most well-read person on the planet. Also the grossest.

3. The subway

I used to spend my time on the subway drowning out the sounds of urban life with my headphones jammed painfully into my ears. After the first (or eighth) time I missed my subway stop, I went back to reading on the train. A train ride without a book is like a movie without popcorn—also, books don’t get your fingers greasy. If they do, then you’re doing it wrong.

4. Camping

It is a little-known fact that nothing is more appealing to a rapacious and frenzied bear than a person who does not read. Doing the crossword puzzle doesn’t count. Sure, your friends may laugh at your complete inability to put up a tent, but you’ll be the one laughing when all of your friends are bear-food. I mean, hopefully you’ll keep the titters to a minimum. Because of how, uh, all your friends died? I’ll be real. This one has gotten away from me…and yet I stand by it.

5. The doctor’s office

Sometimes doctors like to test your ability to handle stress by leaving you waiting in their (aptly named) waiting rooms for upwards of 37 years. Show them that there’s life in the old girl yet: bring a book and the time is sure to fly by! Leave a book at home and enjoy passing the time by watching how the dust settles over your head and shoulders.

6. A restaurant

This is ideal if you’re dining alone. There is, to my mind, no more winning combination than the taking in of a new book and the taking in of mozzarella sticks. But if you try to read while out with friends, you might alienate them. Which you really can’t afford to do at this point. Since most of your friends have been eaten by bears.

7. A bank robbery

If it’s your first time robbing a bank, you don’t want to be without a book. This way, when people are all “stop, thief!” you can simply bop them over the head with The Poisonwood Bible. They will probably also start calling you the Bookworm Bandit, which is, I think we can all agree, the best.

8. Jurassic Park

Because let’s be real: you’ve never really been THAT into dinosaurs, right? But the camp-dramatic antics of the gang from Pretty Little Liars? That’s something you can really freak out about.

9. Speed dating

Works as a both a prop, proving your intelligence, and as a disincentive to those who might think two minutes of small talk has made excessive (or any) hand-holding their right. De-nied, weirdo.

10. A nudist beach

If you show up at a nudist beach without a book, you’re going to wind up looking like a sunburned pervert. Bring one with you, and you’re just another lover of the way the air feels tickling your belly button, not at all interested in gawking at fellow nudies because you’ve got the new Liane Moriarty to read.

Where are you most desperate for a book to keep you company?