Table of Contents
Introduction 1
Glossary 13
Lifestyle: How to Live Like a Betch 17
Talking Shit: Embracing the End of Nicegirls 18
Abbreviations and Linguistics: The Language of Efficiency and Humor 22
Diets: Talking Shit Was Never So Topical 26
Working Out: A Necessary Moral Dilemma 32
Getting Fucked Up: Yay! 36
How to Party Like a Betch 45
Vacations and Summers: It's a Hard-Knock Life 60
Image: How to Appear Unapproachable and Hot 67
Appearance: How to Present Yourself in Public without Being Mistaken for a Homeless Woman or Ke$ha 69
Clothes: How to Dress Like a Slut (the Classy Way) 76
Status Symbols: What They Say about You 82
Social Media Image: How to Look Like the Shit on the Internet 86
The Art of Being Late: How to Show People That Your Time Is More Valuable than Theirs 98
Appearing Down-to-Earth: How to Fool People into Thinking You're Not Superficial 100
Not Keeping Up with the News: How to Pretend to Know What's Going On When You Have No Fucking Idea 104
How to Manipulate Your Parents into Thinking They Raised a Normal Child 107
Social Life: People Who You Like Are Worthy of Your Friendship 111
The Bestie Group Circle 111
Guy Friends: A Fairy Tale 126
How to Text Like You're Kind of a Big Deal 129
People You Dislike: How to Deal with Them While Not Appearing Psychotic 135
Enemies: The Objects of Your Animosity 138
Managing the Outer Circle: Fake Is Better than Nothing 143
College: Using Higher Education to Get Ahead 149
Not Doing Work in College: How to Revolve Four Years of Your Life Around Drinking and Hangovers 150
Studying Abroad: How to Culturally Immerse Yourself in Foreign Alcohol 158
Spring Break: How to Go Hard without Going Home to Jail 163
College Social Life: How to Keep Friends and Alienate (the Right) People 166
Greek Life 168
College Bros: Athletes and Frat Douchebags 173
Graduation: A Survival Guide 183
"Career": A Word We Use Loosely 183
Career Paths: Picking the Least Toxic Poison 185
How to Apply for a Job Like You Give a Shit 192
So Now You Have a Job: How to Never Do Work at Work 195
How to Ask for an Undeserved Raise 198
Sex: Keep Your Legs Closed and You Too Can Rule the World 203
Navigating the Bedroom: It's Harder than You Think 210
Postcoital Conduct: Learning to Take a Hint 219
Sexting: Getting Fucked in 4G 221
Birth Control: Manipulating Your Period as if It Were a Man 223
The Game, Dating, and Love 229
The Game: Loving Shady Assholes and Hating Nice Guys 230
Winning the Game: The Scientific Method of Conquering Any Male 249
Dating: More than Just Free Dinner 256
The Groupies and How to Get Rid of Them 270
The Art of Getting to the Second Date 271
Delusional Dating: The Guide to Dating a Guy Who Doesn't Know It 275
On the Importance of Being Single 277
When Love Takes Over 280
The Long-Distance Relationship: A Recipe for Tears 287
Manipulating Men 291
Now That the Love Is Gone: How to Get Over Your Ex 296
Tying Up the Loose Ends: How to Get Rid of the One Who Won't Go Away 303
Happily Ever After Requires a Prenup-Getting Engaged 305
Conclusion: You Can Skip This Part 313
Acknowledgments 317
