8 Reasons Reading is Better than Watching Football

It’s nearly that time again, that moment every year when the whole country pretends we’ve always been huge football fans and sits down to watch the Super Bowl. The fact that half the people at any given Super Bowl party are there to watch the commercials, and another quarter are probably there for the chicken wings, doesn’t matter: for one shining moment, the Super Bowl makes it seem like football isn’t the most boring thing ever invented.
The facts say otherwise. What do you do when you’re not a fan of the game in any sense, but you don’t want to miss out on those sweet, sweet snacks? The answer’s obvious: bring a book to the party, make up a plate of the finest meats and cheeses, and go sit in a corner reading while everyone else pretends to understand the Illegal Leverage rule, or enters into hilarious arguments about whether or not deflating a football offers an advantage. Of course, you’ll take some abuse for choosing reading over football, so we’ve taken the liberty of preparing a few solid arguments for you to use against your tormentors. Here are 8 Reasons reading is way better than football.
No Commercials
Have we mentioned every football game on television is composed mainly of garbage time and commercials? We’re certain we have. The illuminati who secretly rule this world have yet to figure out a way to get commercials into books, meaning there’s no garbage time at all while reading.
No Waiting on Wings
Want some delicious party snacks? You don’t have to wait for a special day each week, or one day a year. Pick up a good book, heat up some nachos, and go to town. Treating Yo’self is what reading is all about, is what we’re saying.
Short Attention Span–Friendly
Something that happens 100% of the time at a Super Bowl party: you go to the bathroom and hear a roar from the living room, and rush back with toilet paper trailing behind you only to find you just missed the Greatest Play Ever or the Most Gruesome Injury Ever or a combination of both or perhaps an alien spaceship landing on the field (for the half-time show). When you take a bathroom break or a short nap while reading, you know what you miss? Nothing.
No Primitive Clan Behavior
We all know at least one person who hates a football team (usually the New England Patriots) with such a white-hot intensity they immediately hate that team’s fans on a simmering personal level that’s a bit disturbing. You might judge people for reading certain books, but you don’t hate them. Unless that book is [REDACTED], of course, but that goes without saying.
Expand Your Horizons
Football, like all sports, is ultimately ruled by math, meaning there’s a limit to how many ways a down can play out. In other words, you reach a point where football has nothing new to show you. You know where that never happens? In books.
Authors Need Your Support More
The minimum salary for an NFL player is $435,000 and increases each year. Sure, careers in sports are short, but you know you doesn’t get a guaranteed minimum salary over $400,000? Authors, whose average annual income was recently estimated at just over $15,000. Buy a book. Writers need the money way more than athletes.
Building a Vocabulary
Ever actually closed your eyes and listened to anyone, including professional broadcasters, describing a football game? Chances are you’ll hear these five words so often you could be convinced they were like that Shaka, When the Walls Fell episode of Star Trek: athlete, athletic, speed, strong, talent. Reading, on the other hand, actually expands your vocabulary.
No People
As we all know, every problem in the universe is caused by people, and football games tend to be watched by—you guessed it—people. Why not avoid all those stinky shaved goobers and stay safe and warm in a comfortable chair? Bonus: this advice works during riots and zombie apocalypses as well.