An Interview with the Angstiest Cat on the Internet

In a world of naive kittens and overfed human-pleasers, Henri, Le Chat Noir, stands alone. He’s world-weary, he’s philosophical, and he’s just not that into boxes. I sat down with the depressive cat to ask about his love life, his petting preferences, and his book.
Why are you so suffused with ennui? The world is a beautiful place!
As a kitten, all of my toys rolled under the fridge. This led to a general disillusionment with reality that has never left me.
Does nothing bring you joy? What about chasing laser beams across the wall, or gorging yourself on Friskies?
The little red dot is a lie. It can only be chased, and cannot ever truly be captured…just like happiness.
What’s your stance on Maru? Are you jealous of his sunny personality and wild popularity?
Maru has found his bliss in boxes, and I wish him all the best. Personally I tried it myself, and felt nothing.
Are you in a relationship?
No.
Any advice for cats saddled with attention-grabbing, schlumpy owners?
Make sure the Party Mix clause in your contract is iron clad.
Where is your favorite place to be patted/scratched? Are you an ears man, or more of a torso guy?
My favorite game to play is where I’m left alone, undisturbed with my thoughts, until it’s time to eat.
Some YouTube commenters have pointed out that your French accent sounds fraudulent. How do you answer these critics?
In English.

Who are your favorite authors?
Sartre, Nietzsche, Descartes, Kierkegaard, and anyone else with a name that is hard to spell.
What would you say to those people who have not yet purchased your book?
Even if my insight into the world does not help you, having the book on your coffee table will certainly make you look smart.
Have you picked up Henri’s book yet?