18 Potter Villains We’d Love to Invite to Dinner

Listen, we all know Voldemort is super bad news, really not a very nice guy, Must Not Be Named, blah blah blah. But here’s the real question: what would he be like at a dinner party? And what about the rest of the gang? Who’s going to bring the sparkling conversation? Who’s going to be a bore? Who’s worse over cocktails, dementors or Vernon Dursley?
Well, get your nice invitation stationary ready, because here is your official Harry Potter Villain Dinner Party Ranking (it’s like U.S. News and World Report, but more scientific). Finally, as you plan your dinner party, don’t forget to pop over to your local B&N to celebrate the countdown to the release of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Parts I & II with a series of Potter-themed events, culminating in a release party on July 31st!
#1: Bellatrix Lestrange
Vicious sense of humor, great dramatic timing, fashion game on point—Bellatrix Lestrange is the ultimate dinner party companion (and I think she’d stack up well against the good guys, too). Sure, she’s a little unstable, but the 100 percent chance of someone getting wine thrown in their face totally outweighs the 10 percent chance of someone being murdered, right?
#2: Rita Skeeter
Another great option. Rita’s got all the best stories. “Enchantingly nasty” is how Albus Dumbledore described her, and that endorsement is surely more than enough to warrant an invite. Yes, she might write something really awful about you later, and yes, she might take the opportunity to bug your house while she’s there, but the gossip is probably worth it.
#3: Gellert Grindelwald
The second-darkest wizard of all time, Grindelwald was also reputedly very charming (so charming, indeed, that Albus Dumbledore himself fell in love with him.) Think of the stories he could share: “The time I dueled with Dumbledore…” “The time Voldemort killed me….”  There’s no doubt it would be an interesting evening.
#4: Barty Crouch, Jr., as Mad Eye Moody
Poor Barty Crouch, Jr., doesn’t get enough props for his performance as Mad Eye Moody. He was an excellent Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, for one thing, and also just a generally interesting, entertaining guy, and all the while, he was managing several evil, complicated plots. What that tells me is, he’s going to be a knowledgeable, funny guest who can follow multiple strands of conversation at the same time. An excellent addition to any table.
#5: Voldemort
He Who Must Not Be Named is witty, articulate, and intelligent: all good things in a dinner party guest. Unfortunately, there’s a chance his conversation might become a little repetitive—you know, Harry Potter this, Harry Potter that—so make sure you counterbalance him with people of diverse conversational capabilities.
#6: Argus Filch and Mrs. Norris
It’s true Filch is awfully awkward, and that his hair might shed all over the table, but cats are a surefire way to improve any dinner party. Uncomfortable lull in the conversation? Look at the cat! Need a rapid change of subject? Talk about the cat! Need a stress-relieving cuddle? Okay, well, probably don’t try to cuddle that exact cat, but you get the idea.
Note: If Filch and Mrs. Norris are considered separately, Mrs. Norris takes the #3 position, while Filch falls to #10.
#7: Gilderoy Lockhart
We all know the problems associated with inviting Gilderoy Lockhart to anything, but the ladies seem to like him, so if you can’t secure anyone in the top six, he’s an acceptable next-best choice.
#8: Lucius Malfoy
Lucius Malfoy’s a difficult one to rank. On the one hand: super evil, bigoted, and probably would want to have the party in some exclusive dinner club with carved wood paneling. On the other hand: the guy who played him in the movies looks pretty good in a blond wig. You decide.
#9: Professor Quirrell
Not much of a conversationalist, and prone to fits of fainting, but so long as he’s Voldemort-free, unlikely to cause too much trouble. A seat-warmer for when someone you like better cancels at the last minute.
#10: Draco Malfoy and Co.
This is probably the point in the list where the rankings become no longer a question of “who is better,” but rather “who is less bad.” Draco Malfoy and his friends are absolutely horrible, there’s no question about it, and they’re unlikely to have many redeeming factors as guests. They hold this middle position only because they’re teenagers, and it’s my understanding that you can bribe teenagers in exchange for improved behavior.
#11: Peter Pettigrew
Whiny, scared, and likely to bore you with stories about his famous friends. Very little upside.
#12: Severus Snape
Yes, Snape is supposedly redeemed in the end or whatever, and yes, Alan Rickman does play him with a sort of sneering sexiness, but listen: Severus Snape is not a good guy. He’s horribly abusive to his students, he’s a self-satisfied jerk with a severe cranial-rectal impaction, and he’s definitely going to just sit at the table with his nose in the air and silently judge everyone else you’ve invited. There are good mean people and bad mean people to add to a guest list, and he’s definitely in the latter camp.
#13: The Mountain Troll
This guy actually seems fine, but your fine china probably wouldn’t be.
#14: Dolores Umbridge
Absolutely horrible both as a dinner party companion and as a person. Umbridge’s bigoted opinions and irritating mannerisms ensure that your other guests would be escaping through the nearest open windows within minutes.
#15: Amycus and Alecto Carrow
Siblings, especially ones who are a little too close, can be tedious at a party.
#16: Fenrir Greyback
Obviously one should draw the line at inviting someone who would actually eat one’s other invitees, but if you’re really desperate for guests, make sure to at least provide a lot of very rare steak.
#17: Dementors
Likely to suck the life right out of a party.
#18: The Dursleys
With his aggressive networking, repetitive stories, and jokes told in very bad, but simultaneously very dull, taste, there is no one more likely to ruin your dinner party than Vernon Dursley. It is better to cancel the entire affair than to invite him or his family.
Which villain would you sit down to dinner with?