People Pleasers: A Guest Post by Meg Josephson
People-pleasing much? Finally, there’s a book that offers practical tools to help you honor your authentic expression without the need for perfection. Sharing her much-needed wisdom, Meg Josephson delivers a reminder of what’s possible when you shift away from patterns of self-betrayal. Read on for an exclusive essay from Meg Josephson on writing Are You Mad at Me?
Hardcover $30.00
Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You
Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You
In Stock Online
Hardcover $30.00
From psychotherapist and social media star Meg Josephson, a groundbreaking “cure for chronic people-pleasing” (Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author) that explores the common survival instinct called fawning and offers “explanations, comfort, and best of all, solutions” (Christie Tate, New York Times bestselling author).
From psychotherapist and social media star Meg Josephson, a groundbreaking “cure for chronic people-pleasing” (Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author) that explores the common survival instinct called fawning and offers “explanations, comfort, and best of all, solutions” (Christie Tate, New York Times bestselling author).
Before I even started writing the book, I knew what the title was going to be: Are You Mad at Me?
It’s a question that puts words to a feeling so many of us carry: worrying that people are secretly upset with you, feeling like you’re constantly in trouble, having a harsh inner critic, avoiding conflict, morphing into who others want you to be, replaying a joke you made and wondering how it landed. It’s an exhausting way to live — and yet, for so many of us, it’s all we’ve known.
For me, it started in childhood. I monitored my dad’s moods by the sound of his footsteps on the stairs. His emotional state dictated the climate of our home, so I stayed attuned, constantly scanning for signs of anger, disappointment, or disapproval.
But once I left home, that hypervigilance came with me. I found myself spiraling when a boss said, “Can you chat?” or panicking that a friend secretly hated me. I shape-shifted in relationships, trying to be what others needed me to be.
Eventually, I found a name for this: the fawn response. We often hear about fight, flight, or freeze — our body’s instinctive reactions to threat. But fawning is another survival strategy, and it’s about appeasing the threat, trying to impress it, trying to be liked by it. Fawning isn’t bad, it’s self-protective. Sometimes, we need to fawn. But when it’s our default way of being and we’re doing it when we’re actually safe, it leads to burnout, anxiety, and disconnection, especially from ourselves.
After graduating college, I remember standing dumbfounded in the towel aisle at Bed Bath & Beyond and realizing I didn’t even know what my favorite color was. I was confronted with the question: who am I when I’m not trying to please other people?
Researching this book became a way to put evidence to that feeling. I include clinical research (in a digestible way!) alongside stories from clients and my own life. I also map out six archetypes of people pleasers — the perfectionist, peacekeeper, caretaker, performer, lone wolf, and chameleon — to show just how nuanced the fawn response can be.
To successfully fawn, we must abandon ourselves. I dedicated this book “for those who have kept the peace but lost themselves.” My hope is that it helps us all return — gently and slowly — to who we really are.
