A Polar Bear Walks Into a Bar: 6 Talking Animals We’d Like to Grab a Drink With

You already know book nerds have 99 problems, but here’s one more: the strange, friend-alienating compulsion to have a pint with your favorite fictional characters. And I’m not talking about sitting Cathy Earnshaw down and splitting a bottle of wine as you gently convince her that her boyfriend is insane (although someone should totally have done that). No, these are all of the talking-animal characters I’d like to buy a drink. And I bet they’d have plenty to say—and that the smaller ones, at least, would be pretty cheap dates.

Iorek Byrnison (Armored bear from The Golden Compass, by Philip Pullman)
Drink: Vodka. Served in a bucket, with a side of reindeer jerky
Lyra Belacqua’s stalwart polar bear companion would have plenty to say about global warming, the best way to clean seal blood out of one’s fur, and the CNN documentary Blackfish—he’s not the biggest fan of SeaWorld, as you might guess (it cuts into his food supply). And there’s no better way to get home from the pub than on your friend the polar bear’s back.

Mr. Tumnus (Faun from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, by C. S. Lewis)
Drink: Hot toddy
Second round: Eggnog, because it’s Christmas!
Despite betraying the Pevensie children to the White Witch (and can you blame him? Edmund would’ve eaten the poor little faun out of house and home), Mr. Tumnus would be a reliable and entertaining drinking companion. I’m sure he’s as happy as I am the polar vortices are over, and we’re both super excited to see James McAvoy in X-Men: Days of Future Past.

Nicodemus (Rat from Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH, by Robert C. O’Brien)
Drink: Martini
It’s not every day I sit down for cocktails with an erudite rat engineer, so I’d ask Nicodemus how he feels about the New York City subway system’s expansion and repair plans (I’m sure he knows why it takes fourteen months to fix a tunnel), and if he thinks the health department’s restaurant grades really mean that none of his verminy friends have made nests next to the lo mein.

The Serpent (Snake from Paradise Lost, by John Milton)
Drink: Apple cider spiked with dark rum
The “subtlest beast of all the field” wouldn’t actually be the greatest drinking buddy: he’s duplicitous, self-obsessed, and can’t pick up the tab because he lacks both hands and pockets. But I’d love the opportunity to yell at him for making Eve—and, by extension, all ladies ever—the scapegoat for humanity’s failings.

Templeton (Rat from Charlotte’s Web, by E. B. White)
Drink: Mojitos
Let’s be clear: this drink is less about finding out what Charlotte’s rodent sidekick (again with the rats) has to say, and more about interrogating Paul Lynde about why he never wrote an insanely juicy tell-all autobiography.

Mr. Thundermug (Baboon from Mr. Thundermug, by Cornelius Medvei)
Drink: Wells Banana Bread Beer
The titular primate in Cornelius Medvei’s sad, slim novel has gained the power of speech and learned how to read, but his family has not, so he’s probably lonely and eager to chat about everything “from whether fleas can hear to the best method for making puff pastry.” We’d also discuss the failings of the legal system and where to find a tailor who’s sensitive to the needs of baboons (Mr. Thundermug fears his backside will lose its brilliant scarlet color if not exposed to fresh air).

Who is your favorite talking animal in fiction?