Meaningful Conversations: A Guest Post by Charles Duhigg
If you’re struggling to connect more effectively, this is the book for you. Charles Duhigg expertly examines how to understand others and be understood, better. Backed by an impressive array of case studies, it will have you ready to deepen your connections and feel confident doing it. Read on for an exclusive essay from Charles on writing Supercommunicators.
Paperback $20.00
Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection
Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection
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Paperback $20.00
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • From the author of The Power of Habit, a fascinating exploration of what makes conversations work—and how we can all learn to be supercommunicators at work and in life
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • From the author of The Power of Habit, a fascinating exploration of what makes conversations work—and how we can all learn to be supercommunicators at work and in life
I began writing Supercommunicators when I realized I had a serious problem.
I’m a journalist — a professional communicator. But when I was at home — among the people care about most — my communication skills would occasionally go off the rails. I’d return from work and start complaining about my day, about how my boss didn’t appreciate me, or my coworkers didn’t realize what a genius I was, and my wife, very reasonably, would offer some good advice: “Why don’t you take your boss to lunch, so you can get to know each other better?”
At that moment, instead of appreciating her counsel, I would get upset. I would say things like, “Why aren’t you outraged on my behalf?”
Yes, it was childish. And yes, it was predictable. But I fell into this trap again and again (and, likely, occasionally you do as well).
I began contacting researchers — neuroscientists, clinical psychologists, and others — to ask them why I kept making this mistake.
They told me about a core discovery: When we’re talking to someone, we think we know what that discussion is about. But researchers have found that every discussion actually contains multiple different kinds of conversations. There are:
Practical conversations, where we aremaking plans and solving problems together.
Emotional conversations, where we describe how we feel. In these conversations we don’t want solutions; we want empathy.
And social conversations — which are about our identities, values, and how we interact with people.
All three of these different kinds of conversations, the researchers said, are important. And all three may occur during the same discussion.
But problems arise when two people are trying to have different types of conversations at the same time. With my wife, I was trying to have an emotional conversation, and she was responding with a practical conversation. Both conversations are valid, but because we didn’t match each other — because we weren’t having the same kind of conversation at the same moment — we couldn’t really hear each other. We couldn’t connect.
Communication works best when use the skills that allow us to detect what kind of conversation is occurring, and then to match each other — what’s known, within psychology, as The Matching Principle.
These skills aren’t hard to learn. In fact, we’re all supercommunicators at one point or another. When you know exactly what to say to a friend to make them feel better, or you know precisely how to pitch your idea in a meeting, it’s because you are supercommunicator at that moment.
There are some people, however, who are consistent supercommunicators. They can connect with almost anyone, make any conversation better. These people aren’t necessarily extroverts, and weren’t born with the gift of gab.
Rather, they’ve recognized that communication is a set of skills that can be learned, practiced, and made into habits. They’ve realized they can speak to everyone the same way they speak to a friend, and that others will respond in kind.
That’s why I wrote Supercommunicators: To help us all get better at connecting with each other. To explain the skills that allow us to understand how others see the world, and to speak in such a way that others can understand us.
Every meaningful conversation is made up of countless small choices. There are fleeting moments when the right question, or a vulnerable admission or a kind word, can change everything.
Some people have learned to spot these opportunities. They have learned how to hear what’s unsaid and speak so others want to listen. My hope is that Supercommunicators helps you recognize how to communicate, and connect, with the people who are most important to you. Because the right conversation, at the right moment, can change everything.