The Game of Thrones Awards, Season 5, Episode 5: Tag, You’ve Got Greyscale!

When I saw this episode’s title, my first thought was to schedule a therapy session, or maybe hide under the bed. Thankfully, I didn’t have to end my weekend by watching children get butchered.
But, then again, that was the problem with this one: in the end, nothing really happened. I realize the occasional pause and regrouping is necessary to set up more eventful hours of television, but that doesn’t make the viewing experience any better. Even when the Stone Men attacked Jorah and Tyrion (a welcome break from people sitting in dim rooms talking about stuff), the end result was the loss of their boat and a significant delay in their ETA at Meereen. Even greyscale, the disease that Jorah catches during the skirmish, is slow moving.
Elsewhere, Stannis is finally leaving the Wall, and so is Jon Snow. The former is embarking on the war he’s been talking about since the beginning of the season; the latter is somehow being entrusted with Stannis’ fleet as he attempts to convince the Wildlings to make peace and pitch in. (Tormund believes when he tells his people of the idea, they will likely rip out his guts and make him eat them. So, that sounds promising.) I’ve already got my eyes ready to roll for Jon Snow’s improbable ability to makes this work thanks to his “awesome leadership skills” or whatever.
Elsewhere in the North, Sansa isn’t doing the best job pretending she can tolerate the Boltons—and can you really blame her? Roose talks about hanging people as casually as you or I would talk about the weather, and Ramsay is quote possibly the biggest psychopath in Westeros, which is saying something. It’s not that I mind the Bolton family getting screen time, as I think they are excellent antagonists, but this week’s scenes didn’t do much to move the plot along.
But even the worst GoT episodes are better than almost every show on television, so things weren’t all bad: in Meereen, the dread from last week’s slaughter lingers. Grey Worm is shamed, Barristan is dead, and Dany is freaking out. And how does one freak out when one in in possession of a pair of pet dragons? Why, one feeds people to the dragons, of course! Dany’s ancestry lends interest to her ultraviolent reaction to adversity. What if George R.R. Martin is playing the ultimate trick on all of us, and one day she completely gives in to the dark part of her heart? But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Her decision to re-open the fighting pits—and marry into one of the great families of Meereen—should make for good television.
In the end, one of the best parts of the show is the way that the whole world connects together. Maester Aemon, at the Wall, expressing dread over the plight of Daenerys, his only living relative, is surprising, yet makes complete sense.
Quoteable Quotes
“Like a hundred year old man, slowly freezing to death.” – Aemon Targaryen, after being asked how he’s feeling
“Long sullen silences, and the occasional punch in the face: the Mormont way” – Tyrion
Awards!

• This week’s “We Missed You” award goes to every Lord, Lady, and peasant in King’s Landing. Since the city was introduced to us early in season one, you can count on one hand the episodes that skipped over the capital completely. I’ve got royal drama withdrawal.
• The “Possible Burger King Ad Campaign Crossover” award goes to the scene where the dragons killed and ate that Meereenese royal. I can see it now: “The best lunch is a flame-broiled lunch.”
• The “How I Met Your Mother: Creepy Westeros Edition” award goes to the anecdote that Roose shares with Ramsay about his origin. Without getting into too much detail, let’s just say that it was a lot less adorable than the story Stannis had for Shireen last week.
• The “This Can Only End in Unbearable Sadness” award goes to Grey Worm’s fondness for Missandei. I mean, seriously.

And Now, a Haiku
Off to War They Go
The Strategy is Simple
Selyse nags to death
I will be back at it next week. In the mean time, try to avoid getting touched by weirdos with flesh-rotting diseases.