Kickstart This: 8 Crowd-Funding Projects By Fictional Characters
This week, it was once again demonstrated that irony is not lost on the internet, when more than 5,000 people donated more than $45,000 to a Kickstarter campaign for potato salad. A single serving of potato salad. (“Risks and Challenges: It might not be that good. It’s my first potato salad.”)
To this I say, OK, internet. You’ve had your fun. But there are much better ways to allocate your money. Like, say, to one of the 8 completely fictional Kickstarters below, created by your favorite completely fictional characters. Make it happen, people.
Unbreakable, Unpickable Locks for Your Private Notebook
Project by: Harriet M. Welsch
The Pitch: “Do you believe your private thoughts should be kept private? Do you want to ensure no one can read your secret journal, even if you happen to lose it during an unexpectedly boisterous game of tag? Help me develop my new line of unbreakable book locks, and ensure you’re the only one doing the spying.”
Backer Reward: Backers at the “Secret Agent in Training” level will receive an exclusive, personalized spying report on the subject of their choosing. Airfare not included. (Note: All rewards at this level have been claimed by backer H. Humbert)
Luxury Business Cards Sourced from Unsustainable Ancient Redwoods
Project by: Patrick Bateman
The Pitch: “You can tell a lot about a man by his business cards. The details speak volumes: elegant off-white coloring, tasteful weight and thickness, the subtle watermark. But nothing will express your total dominance and superiority like my line of luxury business cards, sourced only from the finest old-growth redwoods of California. Because nothing shows your control over the world like your ability to destroy an irreplaceable part of it.”
Backer Reward: Backers at the “Investment Banker” level will receive a specially curated mix tape of the very best of Huey Lewis and the News.
The Big Book of Unsolvable Riddles
Project by: Sméagol
The Pitch: “We hates it when we have a riddling contest with filthy hobbitses and we can’t remember our riddles, don’t we, my precious? Yes, yes, that is why we must self-publish an ebook of the most tricky riddles we have ever heard, yes. It will be our birthday present to ourselves, yes my precious, with DRM so the hobbits can’t read it on the smartphones in their nasty little pockets.”
Backer Reward: Backers at the “Filthy Hobbit” level will receive one partially chewed cave fish.
Aureliano’s All-Natural Ant-Away
Project by: Aureliano III
The Pitch: “Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father told him the secret of an all-natural ant-away that will repel even the largest armies of vicious red ants. That secret was passed down in my family for over one hundred years, and now I want to mass produce it for the world.”
Backer Rewards: Backers at the “Golden Chamber Pot” level will receive a large block of ice. International shipping add $200.
Central Park Duck Behavioral Study
Project by: Holden Caulfield
The Pitch: “You know those ducks in that lagoon right near Central Park South? That little lake? By any chance, do you happen to know where they go, the ducks, when it gets all frozen over? Do you happen to know, by any chance? I mean does somebody come around in a truck or something and take them away, or do they fly away by themselves, go south or something? I propose an intensive behavioral study to observe what happens to the ducks in winter.”
Backer Rewards: Backers at the “Bunch of Baloney” level will received a copy of “Little Shirley Beans” on vinyl and a bunch of bologna. Not responsible for items damaged during shipment.
Hand-Knitted Pistol Locks
Project by: Madame Defarge
The Pitch: “Long has my knitting served the righteous purpose of the revolution, but through all our struggles, I have always been mindful of the importance of gun safety. My expertly crafted, hand-knitted pistol locks will ensure that your weapon doesn’t discharge, even during a struggle with a meddling British governess.”
Backer Rewards: Backers at the “Jacques” level will receive a hand-crafted scarf featuring the name of the traitor to the people of his or her choosing.
Driving School for Dames
Project by: Jay Gatsby
The Pitch: “Driving is, safe to say, a man’s game, old sport, but sometimes, these crazy girls get it into their pretty young heads to get behind the wheel, and more often than not, that’s going to spell trouble for the owners of expensive yellow sports cars. My Driving School for Dames will guarantee any flapper can keep her wits about her, no matter what painful memories she’s just dredged up.”
Backer rewards: “West Egg”–level donors will receive an all-encompassing yearning for the past and one green lightbulb.
Whale Blubber Nametag Adhesive
Project by: Ishmael
The Pitch: “As a lifelong seaman, I have grown weary of introducing myself anew every time I take on a new commission. Therefore I have developed a prototype for a special adhesive, made only from the rendered fat of the mighty Great White, that sticks to any and all clothing without damaging the garment. Never again shall you have to tell another sailor what to call you, for it will be written upon your breast for all to see. A proper way to avoid ill humor when you unwittingly grasp your co-laborer’s hands after squeezing those gentle globules of whale sperm!”
Backer Rewards: Backers at the “Ahab” level will receive an unquenchable thirst for revenge at any cost.
What literary Kickstarter do you want to back?