10 Moments from the Battle of Hogwarts, Ranked in Order of How Hard They Made Me Cry

Remember when you first cracked open Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, fresh-faced and pie-eyed with visions of magic and adventure? And then you got halfway through and realized what you were in for? And by the time you got to the end you were but a husk of the person you used to be? Yeah. Me, too. And since today’s May 2, otherwise known as the anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts and the day my heart died, I thought we could look back on some moments from the battle and rank them not chronologically but rather in order of how much sorrow water each called forth from my eyeballs. Are you ready?
#10: When Lupin and Tonks’ bodies were lying side by side.
I did not cry during this part. You may think I’m a monster, but the truth is I did not have tears left in me to cry. I was already broken; my gaze was haunted. I had ascended to a higher dimension of tearless grief.
#9: When Colin Creevey was tiny in death.
The tears I shed in this moment were so good and pure I suspect they possessed magical healing properties. I only wish they could have helped poor Colin, who was too young and brave and kind for this terrible, godless hellscape of a world.
#8: When Neville refused to back down, even though it looked like all hope was lost.
I cannot describe the noises that came out of me when Voldemort put the Sorting Hat on Neville’s head and set it on fire. It was like a mix between a car alarm and a poorly played violin, but soggier, and with more emotional dry-heaving.
#7: When Harry heard McGonagall cry out at the sight of his body.
Minerva McGonagall is my rock. She’s the only thing that makes sense in this crazy world. The idea that she briefly lost control because of Harry’s death? I can’t even talk about it. I can’t believe J.K. Rowling made me read this with my very own eyeballs.
#6: When Hagrid had to watch Harry die and then carry him back to the castle.
Hagrid was the one who brought Harry to Privet Drive as a baby, so it only seems right that he was the one who carried Harry out of the Forbidden Forest in death. Life isn’t fair. Nothing’s fair. Wake up and smell the suffering.
#5: When Harry used the Resurrection Stone and James, Lily, Sirius, and Remus appeared.
Every time I get to this part, my bruised and fragile heart dies a thousand painful deaths, and I invariably cry a never-ending saline river.
#4: When Harry asked Sirius, rather than James, if it hurt to die.
Remember when Sirius was alive? Me, too. That was pretty great. He’s not anymore, but that’s okay, because now we get to read THIS scene which really underscores the tragedy of Sirius’s early demise while simultaneously reminding us Harry never got to know his own father as a parental figure to whom he would reflexively turn for advice. I’ve never been hit by a bus, so I can’t compare the sensations, but I imagine this is what it feels like.
#3: When Fred died laughing.
At least he had time for one last chortle before his untimely death ruined my entire life. Everyone’s favorite twin didn’t die for me to be ugly-sobbing at the mere memory of him, but too bad, because that’s something I do at least twice a week.
#2: When Harry understood, at last, that he was never supposed to survive.
This made me cry so hard my tears also started crying. I used to think there was only so much I would put up with as a person with self-respect and a vested interest in my own emotional well-being, but that was before Harry started walking calmly into death’s waiting arms. I didn’t ask for this, J.K. Rowling. I didn’t sign up for this. If I didn’t worship you like a goddess I would cast a curse upon you, and your children, and your children’s children. But I do worship you, so instead I’m just going to come to terms with some harsh realities and then weep forever.
#1: When Harry finally defeated Voldemort and I realized there were only like ten pages left in the series that had consumed my life for upwards of nine years.
I think at this point my soul left my body and then my body just burst into flames. Honestly, I’m still recovering.