By continuing a cinematic dynasty based on a textbook, Rowling—or Mama Bear, as I like to call her—has shown once again how willing she is to dive right back into Hogwartsian hijinks. While I fully support Mama Bear’s post-Potter output (The Casual Vacancy and The Cuckoo’s Calling, as Robert Galbraith), it just follows that if she’s got the time and motivation to pen scripts for three films based on, once again, a textbook, she could maybe throw us a few more spinoff bones. There is only so much semi-erotic Regulus Black/Barty Crouch Jr. slash fic one can consume without feeling a gaping emptiness inside.
Few among the masses are clamoring for Harry Potter and the Middle-Aged Paunch—the contentious Deathly Hallows epilogue sated that thirst for the rest of forever—but there are more HP spinoff possibilities than you could shake a Crumple-Horned Snorkack at.
Basically, if she writes it, we will come. We’ll read a compilation of Quibbler front pages if that’s what you’re willing to give us, J.K. But here are some other launching points:
For the love of Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank, GIVE ME A MARAUDERS PREQUEL. The only times readers are actually witness to the legendary bromance of Sirius Black and James Potter are Pensieve flashbacks and postmortem meetups. Cool. And everybody and their muggle mom wants to talk to Harry about his angelic, beautiful, lovely, vivacious mother, but spoiler alert, she’s six feet under before we even read the first page. Awesome. C’mon, Queen Rowling, I’ve got a hankering for a new (yet familiar) display of adolescent frolicking, anarchy, and hormonal theatrics.
Rowena Ravenclaw, who, as she lay dying, dispatched the Bloody Baron to find her daughter, whom he stabbed to death before killing himself. Godric Gryffindor, the wearer of the salty Sorting Hat. Salazar Slytherin, who created a Chamber of Secrets in which he hid a goshdarn basilisk inside a school. Helga Hufflepuff, who probably had a charming laugh. These people were insane. Tell us their stories.
Do not the youths of Lagos or Tokyo create magical mayhem? If you prick an Australian wizard with a basilisk fang, does he not die? What about the Colonies—where are our wizards and witches? Newt Scamander’s Fantastic Beasts storyline will take place in New York, but this is America, dang it. We have more wizards, soccer-playing, right-side-of-the-road-driving, shorter-lunch-break–taking wizards than you could possibly imagine! How about exploring this wide, wide magical world?
The Ministry of Magic
That place is a looney bin. (Before Hermione straightened everything out, of course.) And the hiring practices, Arthur Weasley and Kingsley Shacklebolt notwithstanding, seem lax at best. I would settle for a bildungsroman of the third-floor janitor if it meant we could get a peek behind the Iron Magic Curtain.
It seems to me the booths at Hogwarts Career Day are somewhat limited. As far as I can tell, graduates can either: become a professor, train as an Auror, open a small business on Diagon Alley, publish propaganda in The Daily Prophet, ascend the professional Quidditch ranks, or settle for a menial position with the Ministry. There are other opportunities for employment, right? I know dentistry is out, but like, where are the social media specialists? There are always social media specialists. Explain to me the wizarding economy, J.K.
Could there be anything worse than being a squib? (Besides existing as one of the cats in Dolores Umbridge’s decorative plates, that is.) I don’t know. Maybe. But to be sure, a narrative on the plight of these nonmagical wretches would be enlightening. I see a Dickensian orphanage. And scrappy youths. And Argus Filch as a newspaper boy hawking front page headlines like: “STUDENTS OUT OF BED!” Or not.
What Harry Potter spinoffs would you like to see?