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By Rodney Carrington Bret Witter
Center StreetCopyright © 2007 Rodney Carrington
All right reserved.
Chapter OneHANGIN' WITH RODNEY
Hi. I'm Rodney Carrington. I'm a comedian from Longview, Texas. That's in Texas. I live with my family in Tulsa, Oklahoma. That's in Oklahoma. Before we get too intimate, I thought it might be a good idea to tell you a little bit about myself. So put your panties back on and listen up for a minute.
I like George Jones and Frank Sinatra, but not necessarily in that order. I like a quiet night out with my family, just dinner and a movie. If I have a beer, it's no more than six, and usually more like two. If I have a fancy drink, it's a frozen strawberry margarita. I'm not ashamed; there ain't nothing wrong with it.
I like cowboy boots. I've worn them all my life. But I'm not a cowboy. I have 194 acres and four dogs, but I don't ride horses or know anything about cattle. I drive a truck, but that doesn't mean I'm hauling manure to the back forty. My favorite leisure activity is golf.
I don't like people who don't like things. I don't like people who like to talk about not liking things. Life's short. Why be negative? Of course, I hate beets. I don't even like people that like beets, that's how much I hate them.
People sometimes accuse me of being blue, meaning my humor is on thecutting edge. But I'm not blue, I'm true. People sometimes accuse me of being red, as in a redneck. But I'm not red, I'm suburban country. People sometimes accuse me of being white. But ... well, that is true. I'm white.
The reason all this is even mildly important is that this book is about me. I'm not a comic that does observational humor. I don't say, "You know what's weird? Every time you go to the urinal in a public bathroom, there's piss on the floor. Who the hell misses the urinal?" (In case you're wondering, ladies, that is true. There is always piss on the floor in men's bathrooms. We are disgusting creatures.)
My humor is about my life. I tell stories about myself, my wife, my kids, and my friends. I figure if it's happened to me, it's probably happened to you; let's all drink beer and laugh at ourselves for a while.
If you like my comedy, you're going to like this book. But since reading is a lot harder than listening, I've thought long and hard about the best way to make this experience as painless as possible for both of us.
My first idea was a coloring book. I'd color in the pictures, then you could just cut them out and stick them on your refrigerator.
Then I thought of a bunch of naked pictures of women, but I found out they already have those kinds of publications. They're called porno magazines.
Next I tried "Rodney's Pamphlet." Fifteen pages long, so it should only take you five visits to the shitter to get through it.
Finally, I came up with this book, which has a lot of words in it, but at least I've kept the chapters short. Since you're going to be wasting a lot of time reading, I even included an important lesson. But just one. And near the back. Anything else you learn from this book is completely by accident. I apologize in advance.
My father always tells me, "I cannot believe you get paid to drink beer and give people your opinion on things. I've been doing that all my life, and nobody's every paid me a dime."
My sixth-grade teacher put it a different way. One day, I decided to turn in an English test without answering any of the questions. Instead, on the bottom of the test, I drew a picture of a donkey with a human head and a big turd coming out of its behind. Underneath the picture I wrote: Shit a brick.
I did it because I was bored, and I thought it would be funny. Apparently I was wrong, because Ms. Anderson wasn't laughing when she jerked me out of class and said: "You cannot always be a disruption, Rodney Carrington. You cannot just do what you want all your life. You cannot make a living entertaining people with crude humor."
Fortunately, Ms. Anderson was wrong. I've made a living out of entertaining people. And the reason is you. All you people who have seen my shows and bought my albums and even bought this book-you've given me the greatest gift in the world: your time.
So thank you to my fans-all two of you. Larry, Curly, I really appreciate it. And from here until the end of this book, I'm going to try as hard as I can to tell it like it is and make you laugh.
"When you write a book, they tell you to start with something truly important and meaningful, so here goes nothing ..."
Excerpted from Coming Clean by Rodney Carrington Bret Witter Copyright © 2007 by Rodney Carrington. Excerpted by permission.
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