Rabbi's Daughter

( 18 )


In this honest, daring, and compulsively readable memoir, Reva Mann paints a portrait of herself as a young woman on the edge—of either revelation or self-destruction. The daughter of a highly respected London rabbi, Reva was a wild child, spiralling into a whirlwind of sex and drugs by the time she reached adolescence. But as a young woman, Reva had a startling mystical epiphany that led her to a women’s yeshivah in Israel, and eventually to marriage to the devoutly religious Torah scholar she thought would take...
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In this honest, daring, and compulsively readable memoir, Reva Mann paints a portrait of herself as a young woman on the edge—of either revelation or self-destruction. The daughter of a highly respected London rabbi, Reva was a wild child, spiralling into a whirlwind of sex and drugs by the time she reached adolescence. But as a young woman, Reva had a startling mystical epiphany that led her to a women’s yeshivah in Israel, and eventually to marriage to the devoutly religious Torah scholar she thought would take her to ever greater heights of spirituality. But can the path to spiritual fulfillment ever be compatible with the ecstasies of the flesh or with the everyday joys of intimacy and pleasure to which she is also strongly drawn? With unflinching candor, Reva shares her struggle to carve out a life that encompasses all the impulses at war within herself. An eye-opening glimpse into the world of the ultra-Orthodox and their elaborately coded rituals for eating, sleeping, bathing, and lovemaking, as well as a deeply personal rumination on identity, faith, and self-acceptance, The Rabbi’s Daughter is at its heart a universal story, a journey toward redemption that is an unforgettable read.
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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
“Sometimes shocking, sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes very funny, Reva Mann’s story is a fascinating glimpse into a hidden world.”—Elle

“Mann tells her story with genuine humor and self-deprecating wit, winning the sympathy of even disapproving readers. Mann’s coming-of-age story speaks directly to young people struggling with questions of family, faith and identity.”—Booklist

“A gripping book, harrowing and devastatingly honest, as well as an important book.”—Naomi Alderman, author of Disobedience, winner of the 2006 Orange Award for New Writers

Publishers Weekly

In her misspent youth, Mann, a journalist and daughter of a prominent London rabbi and granddaughter of a chief rabbi of Israel, was hooked on drugs and promiscuous sex, which led to hepatitis B infection and an arrest for drug possession. In her 20s, she went to Jerusalem, where again she disappointed her progressive Orthodox parents by marrying a born-again American Jew who had become an obsessive and separatist Hasid. Unhappiness and tragedy were Mann's constant companions: a retarded sister; the abortion of a brain-damaged fetus; the unraveling of her passionless marriage and her disenchantment with Hasidism; breast cancer; and her elderly widowed mother's suicide. Mann parades unsavory aspects of her behavior: she and her boyfriend, Sam, knowingly have raucous sex in earshot of her anxious children, and after Sam's brother is killed in a terrorist attack, Mann is upset that Sam isn't paying enough attention to her at the burial. While Mann's clever, fast-paced memoir offers an intimate glimpse of Orthodox Judaism and aptly demonstrates the human yearning for redemption, some of the events she recounts strain credulity, particularly her deflowering in her father's synagogue and a lesbian affair in an ultra-Orthodox women's yeshiva that is overheard by a religiously zealous tattletale. (Nov. 6)

Copyright 2007 Reed Business Information
Kirkus Reviews
Jerusalem-based newspaper columnist Mann recounts her struggles with men, procrustean religion, drugs, sex, motherhood, breast cancer and the loss of loved ones. Employing the present tense throughout-perhaps to add an urgency that the narrative doesn't always deliver-the first-time author reveals a profound sadness at her center. The daughter and granddaughter of prominent rabbis, Mann rebelled as a teen with drugs and bad boyfriends. Reeling out of a troubled relationship with a druggie, she decided to move from London to Israel, where she studied midwifery and was attracted to the most fundamentalist form of Judaism she could find. She married a Hassidic scholar and adopted a pious lifestyle that puzzled even her father, a more moderate Jew. As she desperately sought happiness, she found herself increasingly repelled by her husband and his ways. Then a hunk of a handyman came to remodel the kitchen. Leers turned to frantic, clawing, biting sex-there is much explicit detail about her romps with this kitchen aide and with other lovers-which, of course, eventually led to the dissolution of her marriage and anguish for their three children. Later, another relationship with another slovenly drug addict went awry, but not before the author describes some luscious nubile bodies on a nude beach with nipples "soft and pink like candy." Lying on that same beach, she felt a lump, learned that she had breast cancer and endured surgery, chemo and radiation. Along the way, her father died, then her mom, in most disturbing fashion. The author then decides it's time to reunite with her sister, institutionalized back in England with Down's syndrome, whom she hasn't seen in 20 years. She vows to visitonce a year from now on. A woeful life, related in prose that's largely hollow and unremarkable.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780385341431
  • Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
  • Publication date: 9/30/2008
  • Edition description: Reprint
  • Pages: 368
  • Sales rank: 296,508
  • Product dimensions: 8.18 (w) x 10.86 (h) x 0.81 (d)

Meet the Author

Reva Mann lives in Jerusalem with her three children.

From the Hardcover edition.

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Read an Excerpt


How do you know if you have succeeded in repenting fully? You find yourself in a similar situation where you sinned in the past but now you do not sin.
­the Rambam, Hilchot Tshuva (Laws of Repentance)
I stare through the library window at golden sunlight reflecting off white
Jerusalem stone and long to be outdoors soaking up a tan. I want to head down to Tel Aviv Beach, strip off my baggy clothes, stretch out on the sands, and take a break from the rigid daily practice of soul-searching,
prayer, and study required of us at the seminary. It is scorching hot and I
imagine how cooling the Mediterranean waves would feel against my skin, how they would wash away the perspiration that is gathering on my scalp and dripping down my neck. But I know that sunning at the seaside is a pleasure from my old life, the carefree secular existence that I have willingly exchanged for the absolutes of ultra-Orthodox Jewish doctrine. Now I must keep strictly to the modesty laws and not reveal my body in public. Yet even though I pray and perform the mitzvot daily, I still find myself longing to wear blue jeans or worse, a bikini.
The bikini I brought with me when I moved to Israel is now stuffed into the back of my wardrobe, but I doubt it would still fit me anyway. I have put on weight gorging on the kugel served at every Shabbes meal and the plates of cakes and sweets at all the engagement parties and weddings which are part of my new life. My slim body is now encased in a layer of blubber, and I
hardly recognize myself when I stand naked in front of the mirror. My once flat stomach is protruding over formerly shapely legs that now melt into one another at the thigh, and chubby pads of flesh conceal what used to be high cheekbones. I have lost my looks. In the two years since I moved here from
London, I have changed from a skinny, sexy girl to a dowdy matron. Luckily,
the extra pounds are well hidden under the religious uniform­long, shapeless skirt, high-necked, long-sleeved shirt, and thick stockings­that I wear even in this August heat. I know I am comfort-eating, substituting food for sex,
chewing and swallowing for kissing and caressing. I feel a constant need for the solace of foods, even forbidden foods like succulent pink lobster flesh,
for which I still have a craving.
My gaze wanders to the far side of the library, past the lines of shelves housing the Five Books of Moses, the Prophets, the Talmud, the Midrash, and other scholarly texts to where Mrs. Hillman, my idol, role model of the holy
Jewish woman, is sitting reading the Zohar. Nicknamed “Hilly” by us girls of the Light of Zion yeshiva, married by an arranged match and the mother of fourteen children, she is unbothered by outward appearances, never notices the cornflakes stuck to her wig or her mismatched clothes, and devotes her life to teaching Torah. There is an ethereal quality about her that makes her seem disconnected from the material world. I imagine she lives in the world of Yetzirah or even Malchut, the higher worlds she has taught us about. Rumor has it among the girls here that she is a lamed vavnick, one of the thirty-six righteous people on whose merit the world exists. I want to be just like her and become a holy Jewish woman, but I doubt that I will ever be spiritually advanced enough to see beyond the externals to a realm where only beauty of the soul matters.
Hilly looks peaceful as she turns the pages of the sacred book. Watching her makes me forget the oppressive midsummer heat and my desire for the forbidden and inspires me to return to my own study. I pick up the heavy text in front of me, the Laws of Repentance written by the Rambam, and read the medieval philosopher’s advice with care because here, at the Light of
Zion, I am repenting.

The Rambam encourages a repentant to veer to the opposite extreme in order to fix himself. He gives the example of a greedy man who in order to repent should give lavishly to charity. When his weakness is under control, he can return to the golden middle path of balance.
The more I read, the more I feel the Rambam’s treatise has been written especially for me, Reva Mann, atoning for a multitude of sins, yearning to change my past ways and live according to Jewish law. I have learned that once I rid myself of my weaknesses, God will place me in a situation similar to one where I have sinned in the past. If I withstand the test and do not give way to temptation, I will have conquered my bad traits.
I have been celibate for nine months now, and I am determined that the next time I engage in relations with a man it will be with my husband, God willing a Torah scholar, on my wedding night. But today, even though I try to concentrate on study, the pages blur in front of my eyes and memories force their way into my consciousness. My longing for a breath of freedom has brought Chris, my old London boyfriend, into the forefront of my mind,
and I can see his tall body with its elongated limbs and long piano fingers,
hyacinth blue eyes, thin rosy lips, cheeks unshaven with a week’s worth of beard. His head is bare and he is wearing the fisherman’s sweater bought on holiday in Ireland. He is carrying his pinhole camera, the one that filters light in through an angle to give a distorted effect. He used it often to photograph me in the nude so he could enlarge my breasts and buttocks and play with my shape.
I shake my head trying to rid myself of these images and bring myself back into the present. I look around at the other girls here, who all seem to be engrossed in their work. Our common desire for repentance binds us together even if we come from different walks of life and have little else in common.
There is Dvorah, my study partner, christened Jane, born into a Catholic
Welsh family. She has told me how she was drawn by the stories in the Old
Testament, and claims to have heard Moses, Abraham, and Isaac calling out to her. In the final stage of her conversion to Judaism, she dunked in the mikveh waters and surfaced reborn as a Jewess. Then she declared her Hebrew name as Dvorah after the prophetess. She is engaged to Yonatan, also a convert and follower of the Toldos Aaron Hassidic sect. Once she is married,
she will shave off her long blonde tresses, don a wig and on top of that a pillbox hat to ensure that the synthetic mop will not be mistaken for her own hair.
Even though I am on a similar quest, I am different from her and these other girls from secular families, who traveling in the Middle East found themselves at the Western Wall face-to-face with a yeshiva student offering them a free Shabbat meal or a lecture on “Proofs of God,” who got turned on to the buzz of love and esoteric teaching and ended up studying here. I am the daughter of an Orthodox rabbi, the granddaughter of a Chief Rabbi of
Israel. This religious world is familiar to me. I already know that only an animal that chews the cud and has cloven hoofs is kosher and that’s why pork is forbidden. I know Jews can only eat fish that have both fins and scales.
I know how to read Hebrew and recite the prayers by heart. Yet I am also learning that there is far more to this world than I was aware of. I
certainly never imagined the intensity of the spiritual pursuit of holiness or the extent to which keeping one’s minds on the godly requires shunning modern thought and culture. I always thought that my father’s approach of straddling both the secular and religious worlds and integrating contemporary concepts with ancient customs was the Jewish way. But here at the yeshiva this kind of synthesis is frowned upon, as the ultra-Orthodox believe any outside influences will contaminate their carefully circumscribed and protected world.
Even though most of the girls studying here have a past, I would not want them to know about the memories of Chris that are flooding my mind. I have never told them that I had a non-Jewish boyfriend or that he was someone I
met at the backstage bar of the Hammersmith Odeon when he was taking photos for Melody Maker magazine and I was tagging along with a groupie who had backstage passes. And I would certainly never let on that he picked me up that night and cut crystal lines of cocaine on a mirror and offered them to me and that I sniffed one up each nostril and pulled him off the bar stool and led him to the ladies’ toilet, where he entered me from behind. I
shudder at the memory and breathe a sigh of relief that I have found this cocoon of purity in which to let go of the past.
My father often preached from his pulpit about the dangers of intermarriage.
He used to say that it only takes a lovers’ tiff to provoke the words “dirty
Jew” to slip from a gentile lover’s mouth. But I knew I could never marry a member of my father’s community, an empty-headed London Jewish boy who worked in Daddy’s business and blow-dried his hair. Chris was independent and deep thinking and I felt sure my parents would have liked him if only he’d been Jewish. But when they found out that I was seeing a gentile, they didn’t issue any ultimatums or beg me to give Chris up. Instead they threw me out of the house and threatened to sit shiva, the seven-day mourning period, for me as if I had died. I had never believed they would cast me out, no matter how serious my transgression. But my father erected an icy,
impenetrable wall around himself the night he informed me that I had twenty-four hours to leave, to pack my possessions and never return. There was no way I could get through to him. I felt completely abandoned and feared that I really would be dead to my parents forever.

From the Hardcover edition.

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Reading Group Guide

1. Discuss the narrative approach used in The Rabbi's Daughter. What is it like to watch the events in Reva’s life unfold in the present tense, with occasional flashbacks to the past? Why do you think she chose to write in the present tense? Is this approach effective?

2. The Rabbi's Daughter explores many levels of intolerance. For example, Reva’s father, who is a religious man, has contempt for what he sees as the overly extreme religiosity of her husband, while the ultra-Orthodox look down on everyone who does not share their beliefs or their rigid adherence to the elaborate rituals and codes of behavior that govern their every act. Discuss how Reva reacts to these forms of intolerance, and how they shape the life she eventually chooses to lead.

3. Do you think being pregnant and becoming a mother changes Reva? How so? How does it affect her relationship with her own mother?

4. What do you think are the most important lessons that Reva carries over from her ultra-Orthodox life into the quite different way of life she has created for herself by the end of the book?

5. Men play a prominent role in Reva’s life. Discuss Reva’s romantic/sexual relationships with Chris, Simcha, and Sam. How do these relationships differ from one another and what does each bring her? Does Reva change through her encounters with each man? How so?

6. Why is Reva’s relationship with her father so strained? Why was it easier for her to relate to her grandfather, despite the fact that he was even more pious than her father?

7. Why is Reva drawn to Simcha? Do you think her initial doubts about him are well-founded? What role does Simcha play toward the end of the book? Do your initial impressions of him change?

8. When her mother dies, Reva decides to visit the sister she had not seen in twenty years. Why? Do you think her mother’s death played a role in that difficult decision? How did Reva feel about the visit?

9. During the course of the years described in this book, Reva must come to terms with the illness and death of both parents, and must face up to her own mortality as well. How do you think these experiences change her?

10. Describe your thoughts on the following passage that opens the third chapter (p. 58): “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make a helpmate for him (Genesis 2:18).” How does it illustrate the woman’s role in society according to the Old Testament? How does Reva feel about being a “helpmate?”

11. Do you think the chapter titles are appropriate? Do the Scripture and Talmudic writings present each chapter effectively?

12. Reva says, “I am jealous of his ability to study the holy books into the night while I have been trashing the very values written there” (page 234). Is this inner conflict ever resolved? Does Reva find a balance between her spiritual self and her sensual self?

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 18 )
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Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 18 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 8, 2007

    Painfully exquisite...

    The Rabbi's daughter mirrors life's struggle for so many of us in so many ways. My heart responded to this book and even though the writer's life and mine are so different, we walk the same path. I think it is a well traveled path and Ms. Mann's memoir gives us so much to identify with. It ultimately has to do with the constant challenge each of us faces of identifying, understanding, and living our authentic selves. The book is also a window into the customs and ways of the secular orthodox jew and the hassidic jew. This was a beautifully written memoir with a lot of lessons shared and learned.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 23, 2012

    Eyeopening story

    A woman's journey into finding peace and closeness to God and the futile marriage with a man from a super strict sect within the Hassidic Jewish community.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted May 6, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    great book

    This book reads like a novel but is a bitingly honest memoir. This almost manic account of drug abuse and wanton, anonymous sex, swings to ultra-conservative Orthodox Judaism, and as the story closes, the pendulum is swinging back again. I pray it doesn't swing "way far". I was given a glimpse into a world that is a part of my children's heritage and found it intriging as well as scary with it's religious stance. We all have our journeys in this life. I'm interested in reading the sequel to the rest of Reva's story.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 6, 2014

    Very good

    The only thing I didn't like about this book was the crude language used far too often and wasn't necessary for the flow or meaning of the story.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 25, 2013

    Highly Recommended!!!

    Excellent book!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 15, 2012

    This book was so honest!!

    I absolutely loved it

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  • Posted September 9, 2012

    Good Book - 3 1/2

    Repenting of ones sins is always hard but in doing so one cannot loose themselves in the process. That is the core of the Rabbi's Daughter. In the long run, she becomes a stronger stronger women and finds a balance in her religious life. Through her trails she finaly begins to understand her parents and what made them the people she always felt so seperate from. The subject matter was presented in a way that let you feel the main charaters turmoil.

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  • Posted August 17, 2012

    I really enjoyed this book and its honesty !!! An exceptional re

    I really enjoyed this book and its honesty !!! An exceptional read

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  • Posted March 28, 2012

    Good read!

    Interesting life, kept my attention from start to finish.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 12, 2012

    Great insight to the Hasidic world

    I've read this book 9 times and fall in love with it again and again each time, it really give you a look into the hasidic community. defintiely a MUST READ!

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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