A Book Nerd’s Perfect Day at the Bookstore

If we had our druthers, bookstores would be open 24 hours a day, like all the best diners. They’d also serve waffles like all the best diners. The maple syrup would flow like wine and be specially formulated so it never made our precious pages stick together. But let’s not use up all our druthers for the sake of this post (unless you’ve unearthed an endless supply of them, in which case, knock yourself out). For the rest of us: let’s instead agree our bookstore is open from approximately 9 a.m. to 11 p.m. Let’s also agree that during this “perfect day,” at said bookstore, you have no job/kids/laundry to fold/seasons of Portlandia to watch. You’re independently wealthy, entirely free of obligation, and living the life of leisure you’ve always imagined you’d be awesome at—one that will allow you to crush 14 hours straight in a bookstore. SEE? This is why you shouldn’t use up your limited amount of druthers on waffles, and instead save them for taking care of business. Check it out.
8:55–9:20 a.m.
Take a few moments outside to deep breathe and mentally prep yourself for the luxury that awaits you. You will be the first customer today to cross this sacred threshold and thus, you’re bookstore royalty now. Your nose gets first dibs on all the book smells. Everything the light touches will be yours. Do a slow walk around the premises knowing this is your space for the next 13 hours and 35 minutes and none shall take it away from you.
9:20–10:30 a.m.
Oh what joy! A coffee bar entirely for one! All the pastries are nestled in their glass case like buttery, flaky jewels. The tables and chairs are perfectly grouped, just waiting for you to take your pick. No monsters here taking up three or four chairs despite the fact that they only have one body. Grab a Wired or a Popular Mechanics or a Cosmo or even a fancy Italian fashion magazine you’ve never heard of. Grab ’em all (those Cosmo quizzes aren’t gonna take themselves in jest)! Wave to the baristas and let the morning wash over you and your epic pile of magazines.
10:30 a.m.–Noon
Time to get down to business, sort of. You have coffee and free reign, sort of. (Ignore any hubbub that has grown around you). Head on over to the new fiction table and read the first five pages of every book on display. Decide which of the authors would become members of your inner circle based on how much you like said pages. Only buy the ones that hook you immediately.
Noon–12:15 p.m.
Hungry? Go for croissant part deux. Why not? They’re America’s favorite French bookstore pastry. More coffee? SURE. You need to get your strength up, because you have three solid hours of reading ahead of you.
12:15–3:15 p.m.
The good news is, it’s still early enough that you can score the most comfy chair in the joint. But first, you’ll need a book. One that’s on the short side so you can finish it in a single sitting upon the aforementioned comfy chair. May we suggest: The Ocean at the End of the Lane, The End of the Affair, We Were Liars, or Seconds? May we also suggest: a tufted leather club chair or an overstuffed loveseat just like grandma’s? Feel free to disregard all our suggestions, though. This is your perfect day.
3:15–3:35 p.m.
You have to rest your brain now from that epic binge-read. Go browse all the lovely literary merch and stationery crafted from only the finest cardstock. Touch all the bookmarks. Make a mental note of all the gifts you plan to buy other people (but will probably end up keeping) and all you things you will treat yourself to (and definitely will end up keeping).
3:35–4:45 p.m.
And speaking of treats for yourself: time to make the ultimate, most epic book list ever created. Search out your favorite authors and see which of their novels you’ve never read. Add a few classics you told your high-school English teacher you finished but never did. Explore the graphic novel/true crime/psychology/whatever-subject-matter-you-don’t-normally-choose section for a change. Take photos of the covers and collect them all in one photo album on your phone so you’ll never again have to tax your brain to remember that book you were meaning to read—because when there are so many books you’ve been meaning to read, it’s hard to keep it together. Maybe also pick up a book on strengthening your memory?
4:45–5:30 p.m.
Eat that sandwich you snuck in (you can’t live on croissants alone!) while you peruse the travel section to find new cities you’ve maybe never heard of that you can maybe one day go to. Mayotte. Cluj. Dominica. All real places…but see for yourself.
5:30–5:45 p.m.
More coffee? Don’t mind if you do.
5:45–6:30 p.m.
It’s time for your fortune to be told. Play this fun game we sorta made up:
• Choose a song you like.
• Say the lyrics to the chorus in your head and take a step with every word. Wander around as you do this, but don’t choose a specific direction.
• Stop when the song is over and walk to the shelf nearest you.
• From the left, count the books until you get to number 23. Pick it up and turn to page 45. Find the seventh line. This is your fortune.
• Do this over and over again until it works to your satisfaction.
6:30–8 p.m.
You’ve got gorgeous notebooks and fancy pens for sale. You’ve got an entire section of cookbooks at your fingertips. Start planning your meals for the next week. Even if you hate to cook, you know you gotta eat—if only to undo the nutritional deficit you’ve entered into by eating multiple pastries* in one day.
*But if doing this makes you hungry, why not grab a third croissant? No one will judge you, and the damage has already been done.
8–9 p.m.
What’s that? Our perfect fake day at our perfect fake bookstore also happens to be the same day David Sedaris is going to be giving a (fake) reading? A hilarious reading of (fake) never-before-heard essays that he wants to try out before including them in his (fake) newest collection? And there’s a seat available right in front, just for you? What a dream.
Alternate plan: Go to the humor section and read pages 25–30 in every book there that strikes your fancy. Hopefully they’ll make you laugh as hard as a suprise Sedaris performance.
9–10:30 p.m.
All the kids are gone because it’s past their bedtimes. You know what that means, right? Time to hit up that children’s section. Pick up your favorite series from back in the day, and feel free to be appalled that they’ve updated the cover art with bright colors and high-res photography of tweens looking at iPads or whatever. Then take a second and realize that whatever turns the youths onto physical books is a good thing. Relent. Sit down in a tiny chair. Read your favorite for old time’s sake and surprise yourself at how fast you can get through it. (You’re an adult now, you know all the words.)
10:30–11 p.m.
What. A. Day. Take one last victory lap around the entire bookstore and relive every favorite moment. The reading! The touching of the merchandise! Fake David Sedaris! The croissants! Now go home and sleep, if you can. You had a lot of caffeine today. Probably a mistake.
What would your perfect day at a bookstore look like?