A Love Letter to Breaking Bad

Dear Breaking Bad,

When I fell on some ice and broke my hip in January, my boyfriend turned on your first episode. No offense, but I’m not a rabid fan of TV, and watching even one episode of such a daunting series seemed like a major investment I wasn’t up for. But I was on so many painkillers (and I couldn’t move) so I didn’t even turn you off. And I was completely addicted from the moment I laid eyes on you. Your premise seemed so bizarre, yet the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was genius. You were so jarring and captivating and kind of right off the bat emotionally exhausting. You were distressing. I must admit that at first, I worried you were setting up some sort of buddy-comedy thing with Jesse and Walt, but that relationship ended up being one of my favorite parts of the series because it so wasn’t a buddy-comedy thing. It was more deep and painful and complicated, as the most tumultulous relationships real people have. Which makes me ask myself, are these characters real? Like maybe just a little? I have a hard time believing they 100% aren’t. But at that point, I didn’t yet know any of this, I didn’t have any of these thoughts. I didn’t know just how distressed I was about to get. I just started getting started.

After your first episode I was stuck. I was also slightly, oh, I don’t want to say depressed, just…bummed about being stuck on my couch with a broken hip. The weirdest part about the whole experience was that for a few months, I didn’t want to read books. It was like my brain could not digest the words. I couldn’t focus.

But every night after dinner, I would take my Codeine, prop myself up on a bazillion pillows, and go down the rabbit hole, sinking into the world of Walter White. His flaws and his brilliance, his devotion to his family, his self-hatred, his pride. Everything about you was rooted in these dichotomies that deepened the characters in a way I had never experienced in TV or film. Nobody could be easily explained away, so I thought about them a lot. In fact, I had never felt so invested in fictional characters before. I felt like they were living in a secret place that I visited each night in my painkiller stupor. Friends would come over to visit me with flowers and cookies and I’d say, “If you haven’t seen Breaking Bad you probably shouldn’t come over. It is all I want to talk about.” They’d laugh, thinking I was joking.

I loved you for your music, your colors, your symbols, and the fact that you rewarded me for watching at the end of every single episode. Every single episode except the “Fly” episode. What was up with that episode? Were you having a bad day?

My nightly date with you was the only time I wouldn’t be in pain, they only time I wasn’t focused on my injury. The Codeine would make me sleepy, and I would watch you until I could not pry my eyes open with my fingers anymore. And I would wake up the next day, looking forward to picking up where I left off.

But you also ruined TV and film for me. One night I cheated on you and watched American Hustle, which everyone had been raving about. I was disappointed. It is unfair to compare a television series to a movie, but when the twist in American Hustle was revealed, I rolled my eyes and thought, “Really? This is no Breaking Bad.” And I haven’t been able to watch another TV show since. “Try The Wire, try Boardwalk Empire,” people say. But those shows don’t feel like home. I don’t dream about those characters or get rattled when they die.

This is pathetic, but I miss you. I miss Walt and Jesse and Skylar and Hank and Saul and Marie, in that order. I now find myself wondering where they are. I want them to all have their own spinoff shows. I want to get drinks with all of them. How could this have happened to characters I love so much? I wondered when the last episode wrapped. How did we get here? Weren’t we just, only days ago, innocently cooking meth in a trailer in the desert? And though I’m heartbroken that you’re gone, I will forever be grateful that you were there when I needed you, when I needed an escape. And I hope and pray for a day that you will return.

Love,
Lauren

Breaking Bad, the complete series is available on DVD starting Tuesday, June 3.

What would you say in your love letter to Breaking Bad?