Babyhood

Babyhood

by Paul Reiser

Paperback

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Overview

The classic New York Times bestseller from actor/comedian Paul Reiser, a book that the San Francisco Chronicle calls “an out-loud laugh on every page,” is now available in trade paperback for the very first time. For fans of Reiser’s long-running sitcom Mad About You, with Helen Hunt and Hank Azaria, for readers of comic memoirs like Tina Fey’s Bossypants, and “for the couple considering parenthood as well as for parents who are decades past their days of diaper changing…this book hits home and hits the funnybone" (Chicago Tribune).

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780062098771
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 05/08/2012
Pages: 240
Product dimensions: 5.38(w) x 7.82(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

A seasoned actor, writer, and stand-up comedian, Paul Reiser has appeared in many films and television shows, including cocreating and starring in the critically acclaimed NBC series Mad About You. He is the author of the New York Times bestsellers Couplehood, Babyhood, and most recently Familyhood. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and two kids.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

In the Beginning

0kay, so here's what happened.

We're on a plane, my lovely wife and myself, sipping a tasty beverage, eating as many really salty nuts as we feel like, enjoying a perfectly bad movie together -- in short, having a grand old time.

We had been married several years, gone through the rosy early parts, through all the scary stuff that comes immediately after rosy, and navigated ourselves successfully through enough little ups and downs to land on our feet and know with confidence that we were very good together and very much in love. Life was very nice.

So we're on this plane, and across the aisle from us was another couple, about our age, traveling with their two children -- a two-year-old girl and a very new boy who, though tiny in stature, had a crying scream so piercing, it was annoying people on other planes. The parents looked like hell. No kidding, they just looked like life had taken them by the ears and twirled them violently around in circles until finally, exhausted, weakened, and drained of even the capacity to imagine joy, they were flung into the seats next to us.

The little girl was running up and down the aisle, tripping on people's luggage, screaming when anybody talked to her, and screaming a tad louder when everyone tried to ignore her and not talk to her. The baby was wailing literally without pause from the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream Waters.

Somewhere over the midwestern states, the two-year-old took a couple of bites of airline macaroni -- and then reconsidered, shooting the remains quite dramatically onto her daddy'sjacket.

The mom, whose hair was graying before our eyes and caked with baby spittle and something else puddinglike, was spending the last of her waning energy trying to shield her eyes from her squirming infant's fast-flying fists.

When not occupied roping in their children or apologizing to the growing numbers of irritated passengers around them, the dad was busy either bending or reaching to find one of a truly frightening number of carry-on bags, collapsible strollers, fuzzy toys, and assorted burdensome baby paraphernalia.

There was virtually no conversation between the two adults. What words were spoken were in the form of barked orders, desperate pleas for help, and bitter assignments of blame.

"Why are you letting her eat that?"

"I didn't."

"What -- she opened the jar of macadamia nuts herself?"

"No, she must have gotten it from the -- "

"Just take it from her."

"I will, if you just give me a second here..."

My wife and I, plastic champagne cups in hand, watched this circus for a good long while, then turned to each other and simultaneously said, "May the Lord protect us from ever becoming that."

Now, lest you think us unkind, let me point out that we're actually very nice people. And, in fact, we had always planned to have kids ourselves someday. Not Today, and not necessarily Tomorrow, but definitely Someday.

However, as we observed these people, we had all the reason we needed to push Someday back even later on the schedule. Watching this unfortunate display, all I could think was "Why? Why do that to ourselves?" Now that we had finally figured out how to successfully live together as two people, why would we want to jeopardize everything with a whole new human being for whom we'd be responsible every moment of every day for many, many years? I mean, the Couple Dance is tricky enough -- dancing as a threesome would have to be impossible.

Three has always been tougher than Two. Think of any of your famous threesomes. The Three Stooges? Look at the anger there. My bet is that before Curly was born, Moe and Larry could play together for hours without even a single poke in the eye. Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Donald Duck never had a moment's peace. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? I rest, my case.

0ver the years, my wife and I had each argued convincingly every reason both for and against starting a family, but had somehow managed never to share the same opinion on the same day.

"What if we want to travel?"

"You can travel with kids," I would counter.

"Not to Africa."

"Who's going to Africa?"

"I'm just saying, hypothetically. What if we wanted to pick up and go to Africa?"

"Do you want to go to Africa?"

"Not particularly."

"So?"

"But, someday, I might..."

The problem with this type of argument is that on closer inspection, when you list all the things you fear you'd have to give up if you had a kid, you can't help but notice it's actually a pretty pitiful list.

"What else? What specifically are you afraid you're not going to be able to do with a kid that you do now?"

"Okay -- sleep?"

"Fine. Are we really going to forgo being parents so we can nap?"

"Maybe...And what about going to the movies?"

"You can still go to the movies with kids."

"Yeah, but not whenever I want."

This is where the argument starts to crumble: When you realize you would consider not having a child just so you could take an occasional snooze and be available to see Batman Retires the same weekend it comes out, you have to take a good hard look at yourself and acknowledge, "I am a shallow, shallow person."

Which, if you need it, can be a perfectly valid reason for the "against" team.

"Hey, we can't have kids -- we're too shallow."

On the other hand -- batting for the "maybe we should have kids" team -- we both saw the appeal in creating an entire new person who would be, in essence, a tiny "us." We spent a lot of time deciding which features of ours we'd want to pass down, which ones would be better off to skip.

Babyhood. Copyright © by Paul Reiser. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Table of Contents

Author's Note xiii

In the Beginning 1

The Big White Elephant 15

Thank You for Sharing 19

The Power of a Two-Inch Paper Stick 23

The Morning After 29

Every Day, Every Day I Buy a Book 33

Peanut Butter and Lamb Chops 37

"Y'Know What You Have to Get…" 45

And Thy Name Shall Be … Something 53

One Sonogram Says a Thousand Words 63

This Is It 69

Whose Idea Was This? 81

Just a Few Things to Worry About 91

Translating Your Child 97

It's Your Turn 101

The Big Tired Elephant 109

I've Never Been This Tired, Ever 111

The Mad Patter 117

Step Aside, Please 121

Is That a Needle in Your Hand, or Are You Just Glad to See Me? 125

Look, a Fuzzy Tiger 129

Hey, There's Milk in There 137

Now That's Funny 141

Make Room for Daddy 145

Stepping Out with My Baby 149

Meanwhile, Back at the Office 159

The Baby and the Bathwater 163

Boy Meets Dog 167

Why Dads Aren't Moms 173

Tough Love 177

Veteran Moms 185

"Yes, but Can He Do This?" 189

Does This Come with Puppies Instead of Clowns? 193

Elephants Never Forget 203

Swingers 205

And in the End… 211

Acknowledgments 219

Customer Reviews

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Babyhood 3.9 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 12 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Ramblings from a comedian about having a baby. Didn't think it was funny at all.
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Guest More than 1 year ago
I loved it. I haven't laughed so much in ages. I enjoyed 'Couplehood', but I think this one is even better. Just hope he keeps writing. I can use more laughs--can't we all?
Guest More than 1 year ago
Baby hood is a fantastic read. one of the best. I laughed heartily throughout. As a mother of 2, this book spoke to me and my boyfriend. This book is second only to Dada by Michael Crirder. Sorry Mr. Reiser, but you cannot outdo Dada. But you are a genius comic.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This is easily my favorite book. I've read classics, but for my time, I like to laugh. And Paul Reiser writes in a tone you can just HEAR him speaking in. I have read my copy 9 times (and I'm not even a parent) and I buy it for all my friends when they find out they are expecting. Definitely buy or read this book.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Last weekend, I bought this book in my way to the airport. I was traveling from Albany, NY to Seattle, WA with a connection flight in Las Vegas to stay one single day with a friend of mine and I just wanted to kiss Paul Reiser for giving me one of the funniest times in my life and because reading his book was a complete blessing during this whole trip. He's the funniest guy telling the reader his story with his newborn and he also shares some of the great magic moments in a dad life. This guy is unique. He made me laugh, but he also moved my heart with his beautiful words reflecting his feelings toward his baby. On my way back, an hour or so before arriving to Albany I read the last page and I was complete convinced that having a baby is just awesome. Actually, I'm kind of thinking about having a baby with my hubby more seriously LOL. So, Hurry up, YOU CAN'T MISS THIS BOOK!!!
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book isn't just an insiders' club look at babyhood; it delivers equal-opportunity laughs for the baby-less reader, too. So funny, I've read it twice.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I still remember geting this book the first day and I remember reading up to page 60. It's really a great book. I can't remember reading such a good book in such a long time. I will definetly look for other books that were writen by him in the future.