Being Mean: A Memoir of Sexual Abuse and Survival

by Patricia Eagle

Overview

Being Mean is about learning how to acknowledge and live with incomprehensible experiences in the healthiest ways possible. Told in vignettes relative to markers of age and experience, Patricia Eagle reveals the heartbreak and destruction of sexual abuse, from age four to thirteen, by her father. Eagle uses dissociation and numbing in response to his abusive behavior, her mother’s complacency, and as a way to block her own sense of self.

How does a child come to know what is safe or unsafe, right or wrong, normal or abnormal? How does a young woman learn the difference between real love and a desire for sexual pleasure stimulated by abusive childhood sexual experiences? Careening through life, Eagle wonders how to trust others and, most importantly, herself. As a mature woman struggling to understand and live with her past, she remains earnest in her pursuit of clarity, compassion, and trust.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781631525193
Publisher:	She Writes Press
Publication date:	06/11/2019
Edition description:	Reprint
Pages:	376
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x (d)

About the Author

Patricia Eagle discovered language with her first word, “bird,” later finding great solace in nature. Six decades of journaling served as a life buoy―tangible evidence of a life explored in earnest while being tossed by experiences of childhood sexual abuse. She followed her undergraduate degree from the Universityof Texas-Austin with graduate studies in Multicultural Education at the Universityof Houston-Clear Lake, completing her master’s research on using journaling as a method to better understand self and others. Patricia maintains an unyielding commitment to excavating and acknowledging what is resilient about her life and the lives of others. She lives in south central Colorado where she watches the Milky Way splash across night skies. Being Mean is her first book. www.patriciaeagle.com

Table of Contents

Foreword Kate Munger 1

Author's Note 5

Introduction 7

Part I Forgetting and Remembering

Ready, 2017 15

Don't Leave Them Alone With Me, 2009 & 1953 18

A Stormy Night, 1957 22

A Bike Vibrator, 1962 23

A Little Dabb'll Do Ya, 1961-1965 25

Is What We Do Sex? 1965-64 30

One Last Time, 1965 34

My Dream Team, 1967 38

False Alarm, 1968 41

To Thine Own Self Be True, 1968 46

Palm-Readin' Patty, 1969 49

A New Beginning, 1970 52

Determined, 1970 57

Desperate, 1971 61

Chance Encounters, 1972-73 67

Late for My Wedding, 1974 74

Running Naked, 1975 80

An Open Marriage, 1977 84

At the Last Minute, 1978 87

Careening, 1978 90

Grand Canyon Birthday, 1978 93

Wouldn't I Have Known? 1979 97

Part II Try and Try Again

That Won't Work for Me, 1980 107

Good God, 1981 111

In the Care of An Angel, 1982 119

What's in a Name? 1982 123

Shallow Roots, 1983-84 128

Do You Feel What I Feel? 1984 132

Bird Song, 1985 135

Nature's Wisdom, 1986 137

Baby Blues, 1986 141

The Dam Breaks, 1989 144

Part III Not Easier But Better

Denial, 1990 151

Lift Your Eyes, 1993 155

Gotta Have a Dream, 1993-94 158

Getting Better at Life, 1994 165

On the Mexican Border, 1995 168

Bury the Babies, 1996 173

Magic in a Bottle, 1996 176

The Canyon Takes Me In, 1997 179

All Cleared Out, 1997 182

The Hole in My Head, 1998 185

Once in a Lifetime, 1999 189

Firefly Fields, 2000 192

Charter Challenges, 2001-2002 197

Paris Rendez-vous, 2005 202

Velvety Ears, 2004 205

Flying Hog Saloon, 2006 209

Part IV Go Home

A Frightening Notion, 2010 219

Flicker Encounters, 2010 223

Night Music, 2009-2011 226

Snow Geese, 2010 229

Ding Dong Blues, 2011 231

Into the Petri Dish, 2011 233

Diabetic Coma, 2011 237

Taking the Time, Making the Space, 2011 241

Graced-land, 2011 244

Prayer Anyone? 2011 246

The Help Me Prayer, 2011 249

Part V Searching for Your Heart

A Good Visit, 2012 257

The Last Visit, 2012 263

Eulogy for Dad, 2012 266

Two Teardrops, 2014 269

The Last Song, 2015 274

Mom's Eulogy, 2015 283

Just Like That, 2012-2017 288

Having the Space, Making the Time, 2017 291

Epilogue: Mornin' Blanca, 2017 297

Helpful Resources for Navigating Sexual Abuse 302

Credits 305

Notes 307

Gratitude 311

About the Author 313

Editorial Reviews

2020 CIBA Journey Book Awards Finalist
2020 Colorado Independent Publishing Association (CIPA), 3rd Place in Memoir
2019 Foreword INDIES Finalist in Adult Nonfiction: Autobiography & Memoir
2019 Colorado Author's League Finalist in Adult NonFiction: Historical, Autobiographical

“Being Mean excavates the caverns of the author’s childhood trauma to expose how its tendrils tormented her long after the horrible fact. Eagle’s account is harrowing in its honesty. Traumatic as the shaping circumstances of her childhood are, she never uses them as a shield. Such frank analyses are refreshing and may provide empathetic assurance to other victims who are still in the gauntlet of recovery.”
—Foreword Reviews

“A deftly written work of commendable honesty, exceptional candor, and impressive personal courage, Being Mean: A Memoir of Sexual Abuse and Survival is a riveting, honest, and ultimately life-healing memoir with a highly relevant underlying message given today's #MeToo climate that is slowly bringing to justice even the most powerful and wealthy of pedophiles and sexual predators.”
—Midwest Book Review

“Being Mean: A Memoir of Sexual Abuse and Survival is a painful story with a message of hope for readers; a message that tells readers that they can heal and that they can reclaim their lives after sexual abuse. It's a captivating story that makes a powerful case for the millions who suffer the pain of sexual abuse in silence.”
—Readers' Favorite

“Not since Alice Sebold’s Lucky have I read a memoir that leans into the soul-shattering experience of early sexual trauma with such courage and intelligence. Patricia Eagle elevates the difficulty of her subject matter through her clear prose and a cohesive narrative that weaves recurring themes of betrayal, devotion, the secrets that keep us, and the redemptive wisdom of love. I wept real tears at the complexity and beauty of the healing. This book will rinse you clean.”
—Kathleen Adams, LPC, author of Journal to the Self and Expressive Writing: Foundations of Practice and founder/director of Center for Journal Therapy Inc

“Patricia Eagle’s extraordinary memoir, Being Mean, is a testament to the power of the human spirit to prevail over childhood sexual trauma, heal itself in the act of truth-telling, and emerge from the depths of confusion with survivor’s wisdom and an open, generous heart. Eagle’s humor, candor, and determination to bring compassionate understanding to the darkest of crimes separates this book from the majority of abuse memoirs; so does her spirited refusal to sacrifice sexual freedom and pleasure to the fire of childhood incest. Daring, beautifully written, and filled with unforgettable moments, Being Mean is one brave woman’s story of soul retrieval and finding her way through the mysteries of love. It deserves a place on your bookshelf next to Kathryn Harrison’s The Kiss, Eve Ensler’s The Vagina Monologues, and Bass-Davis’s The Courage to Heal. I could not recommend it more highly.”
—Mark Matousek, author of The Boy He Left Behind and When You’re Falling, Dive

“When I first began speaking of my sexual abuse, I looked for just one woman who had relived her experiences and her feelings, and who had survived and thrived. I became that woman whom I was looking for, and Patricia Eagle can now count as another.”
—Marilyn Van Derbur, author of Miss America by Day

“Being Mean is an incredible piece of writing, reconciling the most harmful aspects of the author's life to make a story she carries forward in strength and compassion. I appreciated how Patricia Eagle not only detailed her childhood experience but how that confusion/sexualization/trauma impacted the decades of her adult life. This is a teaching book that I hope gets to many therapists for understanding and to many survivors for validation.”
—Christina Baldwin, author of Storycatcher: Making Sense of Our Lives through the Power and Practice of Story and The Seven Whispers: A Spiritual Practice for Times Like These

From the Publisher