Beyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms

by Matthias Roberts, Tina Schermer Sellers (Foreword by)

Overview

We all carry sexual shame. Whether we grew up in the repressive purity culture of American Evangelical Christianity or not, we've all been taught in subtle and not-so-subtle ways that sex (outside of very specific contexts) is immoral and taboo. Psychotherapist Matthias Roberts helps readers overcome their shame around sex by overcoming three unhealthy coping mechanisms we use to manage that shame.

Beyond Shame encourages each of us to determine our own definition of healthy sex, while avoiding the ditches of boundaryless sex positivity on the one hand and strict moralistic boundaries on the other. Define your sexual values on your own terms, overcome your shame, and start having great, healthy sex.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781506455662
Publisher:	1517 Media
Publication date:	01/07/2020
Pages:	250
Sales rank:	125,320
Product dimensions:	5.40(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.40(d)

About the Author

Matthias Roberts is a licensed mental-health counselor associate in Seattle, Washington, and host of Queerology: A Podcast on Belief and Being. He holds two masters degrees, one in theology and culture and one in counseling psychology. In his psychotherapy practice, he specializes in helping LGBTQ+ teens and adults live confident and fulfilling lives. He writes and speaks nationwide about the intersections between gender, sexuality, mental health, and theology.

Tina Schermer Sellers, PhD is an educator, sex therapist, medical family therapist, speaker, author, consultant, and thought leader. She serves as an Associate Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy and Director of Medical Family Therapy in the School of Psychology, Family & Community at Seattle Pacific University. Her popular blog is filled with inspiring ideas on marriage, parenting, spirituality, sexuality, and culture. Tina's community built website, ThankGodForSex.org, is internationally acclaimed. Inspired by the ItGetsBetter.org Project, TGFS brings video stories of people who are healing from religious sexual shame.

Table of Contents

Foreword Tina Schermer Sellers, PhD ix

Introduction: Don't Look! Sex, Shame, and Faith 1

Part I How We Cope With Sex and Shame

1 Shamefulness 17

2 Shamelessness 29

3 Autopilot 41

Part II Lies We Tell About Sex and Shame

4 "The Bible Is Clear" 53

5 "God Invented Patriarchy" 69

6 "Queerness Is Sinful" 81

Part III Moving Beyond Shame: The Paradoxes of Sex

7 Paradox 1: Sex Is Healthy and Risky 99

8 Paradox 2: Sex Makes Us Vulnerable and Helps Us Avoid Vulnerability 119

9 Paradox 3: Sex Requires Safety and Safety Is Not Guaranteed 131

10 Paradox 4: We Will Get Things Wrong and Right at the Same Time 151

Conclusion: The Final Paradox: Embracing Shame 165

Resources and Further Reading 177

Acknowledgments 183

Editorial Reviews

12/02/2019

Therapist Roberts debuts with a pithy dissection of shame that delivers useful insights for a coherent, healthy sexual ethics. He opens with a discussion of three ways people cope with the pervasive shame around sex that Christianity has encouraged. They can live shamefully by keeping their sexual desires and actions secret, they can attempt to leave their faith shamelessly (which only temporarily removes the psychic pain), or they can bumble somewhere in the middle with unclear ideas and ad hoc solutions. Before providing the resolution to these approaches, Roberts hastily unpacks various inaccurate views that have informed Christian sexuality, including that the Bible is unambiguously consistent, pro-patriarchy, and anti-queer. For Roberts, the way through shame is gaining comfort with four paradoxes about sex: that it is both healthy and risky, that it causes and covers vulnerability, that it needs safety while being inherently unsafe, and that one has to make mistakes to use it correctly. The author’s explanations of the physiological responses to sex, openness to many varieties of sex (including hookups), and personal stories of clients combine into a persuasive argument about honoring and understanding sex as connection. All readers, especially LGBTQ Christians, will come away feeling energized and equipped to deploy the suggestions for healthier sexuality without the weight of shame. (Jan.)

Publishers Weekly

"All readers, especially LGBTQ Christians, will come away feeling energized and equipped to deploy the suggestions for healthier sexuality without the weight of shame." —Publishers Weekly

"Beyond Shame cuts to the heart of our cultural shame around sex and sexuality and points us toward freedom from that shame in a way that invites readers of all identities and orientations toward health and love. This is an essential work." —Mike McHargue, host of Science Mike and author of Finding God in the Waves

"In Beyond Shame, Matthias Roberts asks questions and brings up issues that are difficult to discuss in our current sexual climate, yet so incredibly necessary. I'm so thankful for his contribution to the project of developing healthy sexuality after purity culture." —Emily Joy Allison-Hearn, cocreator of the #ChurchToo movement, embodied justice advocate, poet, and yoga teacher

"This book is an invitation to express our sexuality in a way that's free of shame and rooted in love. Roberts delivers fascinating research in a pastoral manner, giving us the resources we need to live with integrity in light of our values." —Julie Rodgers, writer, speaker, and advocate for LGBTQ Christians

"In Beyond Shame, Roberts eases us through the deconstruction of the sex-related shame that so many have grown up with, but he doesn't leave us in the rubble. If you're ready to start making something new, this book will offer questions and data you need to ponder in order to build that new structure: a model of ethical sexuality that takes all of who you are into account." —Austen Hartke, author of Transforming: The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians

"In Beyond Shame, Matthias Roberts sets up a theologically thoughtful and accessible framework in which to think specifically through the entanglement of sex and shame in our culture. His personal stories and how he lives this out make this work compelling, and it challenges me to actively live in the beauty of this struggle." —Mihee Kim-Kort, author of Outside the Lines: How Embracing Queerness Will Transform Your Faith

"Equal parts academic knowledge and experiential wisdom, Roberts has painstakingly and lovingly created a phenomenal resource for those wondering where to begin in rebuilding a new sexual ethic out of the ashes of their former fundamentalism. I am ecstatic to be able to offer this book as a resource to my clients, family, and friends." —Jamie Lee Finch, author of You Are Your Own: A Reckoning with the Religious Trauma of Evangelical Christianity

"Compassionate and intelligent, Beyond Shame is a step-by-step guide to reconnecting spirit and body, helping readers claim the joy and health of sex." —Rev. Elizabeth M. Edman, author of Queer Virtue: What LGBTQ People Know about Life and Love and How It Can Revitalize Christianity

"In Beyond Shame, Roberts invites us to first notice the shame surrounding our sexuality and then to step beyond it. This book is for anyone who has ever doubted if their sexuality is good or loves someone who has." —Hillary McBride, PhD, therapist, speaker, and author of Mothers, Daughters, and Body Image: Learning to Love Ourselves as We Are

"This book will make you fall in love with your humanity, your sexuality, and your true self all over again." —Sam Lamott, producer and host of How to Human

From the Publisher